Why would the ex send a GIFT?? Major setback!

[stumblingup8]

So heres some background...together for 5 years, recently graduated and went separate ways career wise. I am unemployed, still job searching...he into the military. He ended it 3 months ago callously, over the phone, whilst I was at my lowest point in terms of no job, no money, no friends, living back with my parents etc, he on the other hand, was travelling the world with his job, earning a lot of money and basically enjoying life to its all.

 

Literally immediately when he ended it I went NO CONTACT....blocked him everywhere, changed numbers...the whole shabang. But GMAIL is a and wont actually let you block emails just divert them to the trash soooo yes I do still check this everyday for emails...he has emailed me twice saying he wants to stay in contact/asking how I am, hes also had someone else ring me asking me if im ok and he contacted my friend asking them. After about 7 weeks into the break up I met someone else just dated twice or so, which helped to take my mind off my ex immensely! But this ended and bang...mind right back to the ex.

 

Then low and behold near xmas time, after 8 weeks No contact, a huge parcel of chocolates (statement huge) arrive at my door with a card from my ex stating Merry Xmas, hope all is well. 'Hope all is well'... let me tell you...all would be well if I could strangle the f****r.

 

WHY WOULD ANY DUMPER DO THAT? GUILT, SADIST?? Anyone received gifts? ?

 

Since this I feel like Im right back to square one...I feel despair...i dream about him every night...I cant find a job still which makes me feel even more depressed and its just this whole cycle of despair,depression, obsession which always comes back to him. Literally 4 weeks ago i felt healed and now...now, it may as well be day one! Him sending the gift definitely ignited my hope that maybe he regrets it which in turn has led me to keep thinking about him...its just horrible.

 

I think partly he dumped me because he felt like he could do better than me, which makes me feel so, SO much pressure and drive to get a really great graduate job like him, but this isnt happening which makes me feel more depressed. Unlike him I am sat around all day just thinking about him, theres only so much gym etc you can fill the day with.

 

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance it does get easier and I'm not the only one going through a total roller coaster of emotions...one week feeling fine then one week like you've lost this amazing person and will never be happy again.

[wilyone 11]

Definitely not sadism or guilt. He is having some regrets and missing you. Men process break-ups a bit differently than women do. They can dump someone and feel totally fine for about a month, and then suddenly feel all this love and longing 4-12 weeks out. This doesn't mean he wants to get back together.

 

I would probably send him a message asking him not to contact you unless he wants to reconcile. I'm sure someone here can point you to guidelines regarding the proper language to use. Or you can just completely ignore him unless and until he begs you back, but then you might get more messages/gifts that set back your healing.

[mbee]

Have you contacted him since the gift? It's been a month since that point, so if you haven't contacted him, I think you should continue to not contact him and just leave it be. You have no idea what he was going through. It was the holidays so he likely was just missing you and having some regrets. Like wilyone said... it does not mean he wants to get back together with you. If he did, he would have done more than just send a gift.

 

3 months past a breakup is just not enough time to get over this and heal. You need to give yourself more time for healing, and continue to just leave him alone. Emotions are just too fresh at this stage and it's clear you have a great deal of healing ahead of you.

[wilyone 11]

Good points mbee. If the OP has gone a whole month without any additional contact from him, she should probably leave it alone.

[No1]

There could be a thousand reasons why he sent them to you. Guilt, love, missed you, thankful, thinking of you, fishing, hate, spite, power play, who knows and who cares. If you want to know why he sent them to you, ask.. I think he would say 'just because I felt like sending them to you"

I think you probably are putting too much pressure on yourself regarding the breakup. You have way too much energy devoted to your X. Think about it, you said you wanted to have a job on par with him. You think that you were not good enough for him and you want to do whatever it takes to be on the same level.

Quit thinking that way. Get rid of the guilt that you have strapped to your shoulders. You are back at day one because in your mind the score is 4,593,050 to 0 in his favor and you keep thinking that you will never catch up. Who cares! Love is not about keeping score, its not about one advancing more than the other, its not about taking, its not about seeing who can get the last word, or the most hurtful sentence, the best gift, the most money, or anything like that. Love is about accepting, giving, sharing, growing, understanding, supporting, listening, endulging.

So what if he is out traveling, he is in the military, its not all glamor. Believe me, I was in the Military and there is A LOT of BS that one has to deal with...uuugh..

This is not a race between you and him. You are on a different path, a different time line. Your time will come. Dont worry what others are doing. Who cares, they are not you. What you have to worry about is you...you and you..Youll heal faster and sleep better when you stop worrying about the score and remove the guilt.

[stumblingup8]

No1 thanks so much for this post...it has really helped me and is pretty much spot on! Mbee I have not contacted him since he broke up with me full stop...nothing would make me contact him...although recently I have had to fight the urge.

 

I find it so hard to get through to myself, I should be looking for a great job for me not to get even with him...but I do think he ended it because he was on a power trip/thought he could do better (officer military ego boost) which really really hurt me. But I take comfort from your words No1, I am on a different path

 

I have had the worst past 4 months though and every bad thing that happens, every job rejection seems to just reopen the wound of being dumped. I feel like he should have waited for me to get a job before ending it! Oh well....i guess people are out for just themselves.

 

From now on Im going to really focus on healing again...I know its not linear, it just gets so hard and bad luck seems to strike when your at your lowest...never say life couldn't get worst....because it always can from my experience. Thanks for the replies guys

[No1]

When I went into the Military some years ago, I was given the advice of not to enter having a girlfriend. And it was really some great advice because of all the deployments, the travel, the uncertainty of when youll be home and where youll be stationed at. Its hard on a relationship. The breakup had nothing to do with you. In fact its a good thing because you would have the added worry about him, what is he doing, where is he, why don't I hear from him, is he out getting drunk, did he cheat on me?

Being in the military is hard enough, unless you are in the US Air Force, and I remember being deployed and saw tons of marriages and relationships break up over the distance and cheating. The military life is hard on both so don't think that it had anything to do with you.

If he just graduated from OCS and became an officer, sure he is going to be on a high, its a big deal and yes he is going to have a moment where he is all mighty and feels like he is king of the world. That's just being an officer but eventually the every day monotony will bring him back down to Earth. And if worse comes to worse and you have a degree, you can do the same thing and be an officer in the military. If you want an easy life, then join the US Air Force.. ha ha..

You are on your own path, don't try to jump on his or compare his life to yours. We are all different. Look at some of your friends from High School or Prep school, some are married, had kids or are miserable, you have a bright future ahead of you. You are smart, hot, single and its just a matter of time before you land that job so don't get down on yourself. Have you had interviews or any call backs? What was your major and what kind of job are you looking for?

Sounds like that guilt is shedding off of you.. feeling better?

[stumblingup8]

I feel a lot better today thanks No1! I think sometimes I confuse my despair about not yet having a job to being caused by no longer having him in life. It is really hard not to compare my life with his because when he ended it he knew I was at a real low point...he was very condescending about my life actually...saying things like if I didnt get a job soon I was lazy, whilst also bragging about his time on his deployment...and accusing me of being jealous...I was never ever jealous...I was proud of him actually, just sad we were apart. I definitely made him my everything...when the navy was his everything...oh well...live and learn!

 

Your right though when you say its a blessing really, because he was going to be a submariner which meant months and months apart......I dont think I could handle that, I was miserable when he went in...just in denial really, clinging on to something that had ended the day he entered training.

 

My major was History but then I did a Masters in Business....I am looking for Marketing positions mainly...but Im quite flexible really....I'm volunteering abroad in Bangladesh in 4 weeks for 3 months...so hopefully can gain some experience in development as this is something im also very interested in! I dont think i'm quite right for the military lifestyle...plus I have terrible eyes haha! So you enjoyed the US air force?

 

 

 

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[No1]

Oh, I was in the Marines, so we make fun of everybody ha ha. But everyone makes fun of the ChAir Force. And he is going to either love or hate being trapped in a tube for months on end. My good friend was one and he loved/hated it because you could go weeks without seeing sky or the sun. Wait until reality hits him. He will be miserable soon. It takes a crazy person to be a submariner.

And I don't think what he said was personal, yeah he was mean but he felt a sense of entitlement, look what I did blah blah blah... eventually he will reflect on what he said and know that he treated you badly. He might not ever say sorry, but he will know that he was mean to you.

And the Marines and Navy have always had their friendly bickering, the Navy will say that the Marines are part of the Department of the Navy and Marines will say "Yep, the Mens department of the Navy" we all know that being a Marine is better than being a Navy Squid.. LOL.

Okay enough of that.... yes you will be better off.. you will get your dream job and you will find a guy who is more in-line with you, who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Life removed this Squid to make room for someone better... so believe that.. Youll be happy in your time. Like I said, just focus in on you. Life will take care of the rest