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This is my story, i feel i should and need to say it.


stronglikebull

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Hi,

 

I was with a girl for a few years, she showed interest in me and is very attractive. She first came round and we talked for hours, nothing happened except we had such a nice time chatting and finding out about each other. We had lots in common and i felt a real connection with her, she felt the same and not too much longer after this we got together.

 

At first things were really good, you know, sex and laughing and the like but i started noticing things with her. She always seemed uncomfortable around people and shy'd away alot from groups and seemed quite private in that sense although she was constantly on facebook and it was almost like she was a different person on there. She would say she was coming round but often would be much later than the time she stated and also cancelled on me alot. Im not stupid, i felt this girl had alot going on, more to her than meets the eye. I picked up alot on these things and eventually we talked about some stuff and she revelaed she suffers with anxiety and strugggles with certain things. I didnt pry to deep but speaking to her sparked up a light inside of me and i wanted to find out more.

 

As time went on we spent more and more time together and it was fun and lovely but she started snapping at me about my ex (we split up about a month before i met her after a long relationship which just fizzled out, we was friends by the end and tbh it was a good ending). She would accuse me of still loving her and wouldnt take the TRUTH as an answer. So i then thought she is anxious and insecure. She put alot of pressure on me about deleting this girl from my life in every sense of the word, facebook, phone number etc, i thought fair enough as an ex is an ex but the way she shouted in my face and didnt believe what i told her was too much, warning signs started to go off. After i made every effort to PLEASE her (i will get to me later) and do as she pleased but she didnt stop there. It was any girl that she thought was attractive on FB etc had to go out of my life (these people were my friends), it started to become awkward as my ex knew alot of my male friends and the girl friends i had started to talk and were getting annoyed because they was getting the bullet, i was distancing myself from my friends. I just thought this girl is anxious, insecure and has trust issues, she revealed to me her ex had cheated and it was her 1st true love so i felt for her and tried to support her and reassure her.

 

We continued to spend alot of time together and she moved into to my place after only 4/5 months. I was blew away by this girl because although she was insecure and had issues with anxiety and trust she was a sensitive loving human being and i wanted to PROTECT her (again i will get to me later). Now the day after she moved in which i was so happy and excited about, we woke in the morning and was cool and having a nice time being in love and living together until she suddenly just exploded on me. The verbal abuse was nothing i ever experienced, she told me i was a useless c##t and would never amount to anything and how did i ever believe i could support her with my s##t place and low paid job. I was gobsmasked and couldnt believe what i was hearing, i was in shock and tried asking her what she was talking about. After 20 minutes of this abusive outburst and me leaving the room she finally txt me appologising and crying about how sorry she was. I tried to understand and empathise with the fact she obviously has alot going on and also i came from a very loving home and felt i was strong enough to cope and HELP her. This event was just the start........................

 

The outbursts became more regular and her MOOD would drop all of a sudden, there was days she wouldnt get out of bed, she was down and anxious most of the time and i got to realise she was very POORLY. I felt bad for her although she would blow up on me emotionally and even physically at times i believed i was the man to SAVE her. I spoke and listened to her intently about her life and had the feeling she had been abused, she woke up in the night alot with nightmares and so frightened it used to break my heart and i wanted to protect her. Eventually my gut instict wass right and she told me the horrendous truth about her life.

 

Unfortunatley i lost my father about 9 months in and i was a mess, i left my job and couldnt function and was grief stricken (my dad is my hero). She was lovely to me and supported me and was there for me and was many nights she would just hug me and tell me things was going to be alright. Although i was going through such a horrendous time the abuse continued and consistently she was up and down and i i couldnt cope with it, it started to make me feel low and worthless and it would cut deep. I tried to do anything i could to make that girl happy when all i wanted to do was die. She convinced to me to get credit cards and she also left her job, then she wanted me to borrow 30k and go bankrupt so we could have a few years off and enjoy ourselves (i refused thank god but still manged to get into 7k of debt). She would constantly slate me for having a s##t hole place, no money and compared me to her rich ex who took care of her better. My life became looking after her and treading on egg shells trying to make sure i didnt speak out of turn. She was messaging boys and being a flirt online and constantly on fb and never spent anytime with me. She used to say i was 'too needy' when i tried spending time with her and if i thought f##k it and just played poker online she would say 'i miss you, why are you not here with me'....who is the needy one? She made it clear my daughter from a previous relationship was not going to be a part of her life and when her mood dropped she would say the most awful things about my little girl.

 

FInally over time going through burying my dad, taking her abuse of how ugly and not good enough and flirting with boys, being up to my eyes balls in debt (in my name) my confidence was knocked and i began to lose myself. Everything i was doing was to please her and make sure i was GOOD ENOUGH. The stress started to build and was killing me. She could be truley evil and knew my weaknesses and used them against me. I snapped, she mentioned that my dad deserved to be dead (he died very young and after a 6 weeks of being poorly died, the shock lasted for a year for me), she told me the most horrendous things and on that comment i hit her. Im ashamed of that and it was a reaction (honestly i could have killed her, 2 weeks after he died!!). It only hapenned once and from that point on she never let me forget about it, she would goud me when she was in a low mood and use it to remind me of how much of a piece of s##t i am. I tried to talk to her when she was calm and say we need to leave the room when she is in a bad place so i can keep calm as i didnt want a repeat of that event and that i cant take the abuse. She didnt care, she used to shout at me from the bedroom insulting every ounce of me and ripping my psyche apart.

 

Being a fool and by this point unknowingly being controlled and in an abusive relationship i started to believe it was my fault and all this and more abuse rained down on me until my confidence was gone, after every episode she had she would appologise and cry and tell me she loves me and will change and i would believe her. I started losing it and when she hammered with abuse i would give her it back and also say awful horrible things that i knew she couldnt handle, i could take no more and things got incredibly toxic. Eventually i got her to got to therapy.....she left me after she started and for 6 months has played me along telling me the same old stuff that she wants this but needs to get better on her own which again i believed. Thing is while she was saying this she added her ex boyfriend and no less than 30 boys on facebook, liking their pictures and flirting with them and telling me im crazy and im the reason she left as im paranoid, haha. Finally she made the mistake of actually going on a date with someone i knew which she denied unitl i told her i know the man and had spoke to him. Throughout the relationship she lied, not just to me, to herself, her family about everything, little and large, men, flirting, anything. Even me fighting back when i was going through the worst part of my life in losing someone very close i loved she used against me and would say i hated her and didnt love her properly throughout the relationship.

 

So what the point of this story? Well im out of this relationship now and its dawning on me what i have been through...HELL. Pure abuse and putdowns and lies until i didnt know what was real or otherwise. Men get abused, i know that now. She is a girl who is incredibly poorly and has lived a terrible life in which she is in denial about to this day. Did i play a part? YES, I have questioned why i was attracted to this girl after all what did i actualy get out of it apart from a nervous wreck and a shell of my former self? Did i add to her s##t? Sure. She pushed me beyond any limitations or boundaries i have ever been. Why? Because i love her. LOVE!! I know now that i wanted to help SAVE her and Protect her becuase i wanted to feel good enough because i obviosuly didnt. That resulted in me being becoming a wreck and also her getting more poorly. SO, i have learnt alot about myself? I feel stronger than ever and will never forget the time i spent with her. It educated me on how important it is to have a wonderful upbringing and be loved when your young like i had. I wish her all the best in her life but i will never ever go back there again. Imagine what it must be like for that poor girl in her head if thats how she treats those that she loves. Incredible shame. Be good to yourself and never tolerate any form of abuse or try to support someone who isnt going to respect your boundaries.

 

Thats my story. 3 years trying to save someone and i nearly lost myself and only become the problem. Be careful out there.

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Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

We have a saying where I work (mental health field): Crazy people can make you crazy. You have lived the proof of this. A perfectly emotionally healthy, sound, rational person can be driven to depths they never thought they would go, when their partner is abusive or mentally ill.

 

I hope you are beginning to heal from this and also from the loss of your father. Please post more here if it will help you.

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Thanks for the replies, yes i would be interested in finding out more and learning about experiences you have had. I looked quite deeply into the mental health field to try and find out what could be the issue.

 

Diagnosis is an awkward word and sometimes can do more harm than good although sometimes it is a relief for some to understand more about how they feel, react, think etc. Borderline personality is probably the closest diagnosis to the way she is but the way i see it is she had a horrendous upbringing not only by the abuser but also her mum who is so cold and distant and manipulative and hurtful towards her. Her dad has always been there physically but not emotionally (strong silent type) so she hasnt really had any great attachments early in life. As far as the lies she tells, i could be wrong but no doubt she was told at a very early age if she told the truth she would be punished badly (abuser) so that would be enough to mess anyone's mind. She has been diagnosed with PTSD which was pretty obvious from the start but i doubt whether she tells the truth even to her therapist as he is one of the best and she hasnt told me about any futher diagnosis of personality disorders although she could be just not telling me.

 

Just like to add it wasnt all bad in the relationship and she actually encouraged me to follow a career in counselling and psychology as she said i was a really good listener and quite bright. At times she was inspiring, she is very smart and has a gentle soul if she could just get past all the s##t. So far im in my second year of my psychology degree and i love exploring why people behave the way i do.

 

Please feel free to share your experiences or any knowledge or insight

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Hi Poppa,

 

My ex has serious problems trusting people, she does the old black and white thinking, there is no middle, its she either loves me and im wonderful or she hates me and im the worst person on the planet. As far as discussing things rationally, there is no chance. If i approach her to talk (im a very open honest person and hate things not being sorted if there is a problem) she just blows up, blames me for everything and then shuts down i.e hangs up the phone or leaves my place. As i have said, her mother is a piece of work, also very manipulative and cold and can be very nasty (i was around there once and she sniped at my ex about being overweight numerous times when she is a size 8 ). She is incredibly controlling of me, at the moment she keeps saying she wants us to be friends and try really slowly to build our relationship, i said there is no way im ok with you dating boys (which she has already done) and flirting with others while you try with me. I think that is fair (she makes me question myself) but she refuses when i say i need commitment in some way, as you said about engulfment it makes sense why she pulls away from it. Currently she wont leave me to mend my broken heart, she is abusive and blaming and if i try and reason she will say im too 'intense' or 'yawn' but when i ignore her and try to move on she is all over me being kind. Its like she will never let me go although i know it can never work. Finally risky behaviour/impulse control - gambling (big time), stealing from the shop at times even tho she earns good money, flirting and messaging boys when in a relationship with me. She is forever the victim, she never admits she is at fault...ever. I woud love to hear how you finally left this person and how long when you pulled away did she try to get you back, sometimes i feel like im going insane and dont know whats real, its too much. Thanks for your posts, they really do give me hope and finally i feel someone understands where i have been and unfortunately still am.

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Hi Poppa,

 

Today i deleted her number, it hurts alot but i can no longer go through feeling like im going crazy and taking the abuse. She said she just wanted to hang out and i explained that its not as simple as that as i have feelings for her. She replied by saying ok and then saying cant you even try. I responded by telling her i have tried but i cant be friends while she dates others as it hurts too much and she replied by telling me i should be a woman (put down number 1) and that im a weirdo. Nice. I told her i was deleting her number as i cant carry on like this which she then replied that she is seeing someone i know well just to get the last insult in. What can i say, its been a rollercoaster and i feel dreadful today but believe its for the best. She couldnt even say something nice to end things, she had to be insulting and hurtful. Life will get better.

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  • 1 month later...

I can't get over how similarly my last relationship of 2.5 years played out. My ex was diagnosed bipolar, but she had a lot more in common with BPD. I had never dated anyone diagnosed with this before and believe me I understand the abuse, that can be inflicted by a BPD/bipolar person on all aspects of your life. At the end I was having panic attacks and had to be prescribed blood pressure pills to tolerate her.

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  • 5 months later...

I'm sorry for your loss of your father. Im sorry for what you went threw with your girlfriend I was also in a relationship like yours only it was with a guy I stayed for seven years until I could no longer take it. I'm still trying to find myself I still can't believe or speak about some of the things that happened I feel to ashamed. I kept believing he would get better but it only got worst it's like a roller coaster of mind games it feels like, but your story gives me hope. Thanks for your post.

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