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I want kids, She doesn't.


Smomez

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So here's the situation: We've been together for 15 years, married for 10. In the early days of our relationship we would frequently talk about having kids however we lived in an urban setting and kids really wouldn't fit in. While we lived there we talked about being people who never had kids, but I always figured once we left the city we would have them. So in 2010 we moved out of the city into a bigger place and I really started getting the itch. She on the other hand went the other direction and became firmly against the idea. In the last 1-2 years it has really escalated and changed our relationship but we've tried to work through it. I'm still sad though and feel resentment towards her. She feels so much guilt and really thinks I should have kids. She's said she's willing to set me free, but I don't think she's really serious. If she was, she would leave me. So I'm wondering a few things. Can we ever recover from this? And secondly, I've met a woman who potentially would want to have children with me. We've known each other for almost two years and get along very well. She's married but very unhappy in it and has a 7 year old son. Her and I have shared a lot of emotional intimacy but we've never actually talked about the possibility of us being together. But we get along amazingly well and it feels natural. We were talking recently and she said that she doesn't want any more kids with her husband, but if she met the right person and he really wanted kids, she'd want to also. I can't help but think she was telling me she would have kids with me without actually saying it. The whole situation has me very confused as to what I should do. My wife and I do get along very well and love each other very much. I also worry that me leaving would completely devastate her emotionally. She's also completely financially dependent on me and i could never cause so much pain to someone I love. So do we work through it and live with resentment and guilt? Do we see a counselor? So many questions in my life right now. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and I look forward to your thoughts.

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No. I don't think your wife will change your mind about kids. And you should not have to change your mind either. That is more of an irreconcilable differences.

 

However you should not embroil yourself in somebody else's marriage. Whether that woman is unhappy or not is not your problem or concern. Don't break up that marriage and bring pain to a seven-year-old child. You would certainly not appreciate someone doing that your future children.

 

If you want to have children divorce your wife ,get that all that cleared up. Then find a woman who is free to be with you.

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She's said she's willing to set me free, but I don't think she's really serious. If she was, she would leave me.

 

What difference does it make what she should/would do? You're the one who wants kids, not her. If she doesn't want them then it's your decision to make. Having kids is obviously a huge decision.

 

STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED WOMAN!!!!!

 

Have the balls to divorce your wife if you want to mess around. Again, leave the married woman alone.

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Welcome to ENA

 

You said "i could never cause so much pain to someone I love" but having an emotional affair is causing her pain.

 

Your wife will be fine financially because you will be paying her alimony for a very long time so don't worry about that.

 

You want children and she doesn't. If neither of you are willing to change their mind then divorce is the only option available. Pretty simple really.

 

Married people that have affairs (emotional or physical) always tell the other person they are unhappy in their marriage. Don't be fooled into thinking you are somehow different that all the other cheaters in the world. Stay away from married women, respect the vows you made and sit down with your wife and talk about the elephant in the room. Just because she hasn't left you doesn't mean she isn't serious, it just means she is okay with the way things are going and if you want to go then the door is open and she will not fight you.

 

Add up how much a divorce and alimony will cost you and then decide how much you want children.

 

Lost

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Believe me, I haven't done anything to break up her marriage. I've always been supportive of her and in fact encouraged her to stay for the sake of her son. But he's very verbally abusive with her and controlling and she is only staying with him for the sake of her son and I've supported her in that.

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I understand and am completely fine with paying her alimony. I guess it's just hard for us to both to let go of a marriage we love because we can't come to a agreement on an issue. I think we both know it's the right thing to do, but neither of us want to take that terrifying step of leaving. I know I've been cheating by having an emotional affair and should probably end that first to make sure it's not clouding my views of my wife.

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I understand and am completely fine with paying her alimony. I guess it's just hard for us to both to let go of a marriage we love because we can't come to a agreement on an issue. I think we both know it's the right thing to do, but neither of us want to take that terrifying step of leaving. I know I've been cheating by having an emotional affair and should probably end that first to make sure it's not clouding my views of my wife.

 

Exactly! You need to end that thing with your coworker. And deciding to have children is not just "disagreeing on an issue" it is completely different lifestyles you're talking about. And that is why it won't work.

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Stop all contact with the other woman and see how you feel. Far to many make choices when they think they have something better waiting for them instead of making a decision on the facts at hand only.

 

Cut contact with her, start a honest discussion with your wife about your future together and then make a decision together on what you should do. It doesn't have to be her choice or yours, ending a marriage should be a combined decision in this case.

 

This is a scary thing to do but what else can you do now? You are having an affair....what next?

 

Lost

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If the other woman has offered to have kids with you, then yes, you are doing something to break up her marriage by getting in the way of reconcilation. You need to stay away from her. you are a MARRIED MAN. You need to work through things with your wife only - and decide to divorce or stay together - not just because you potentially found a willing woman. That willing woman might not be there when you are available and does she really value a marriage with you if she is cheating on her husband?? I think that when you are completely away from the other woman for at least a month or two, then you talk to your wife very seriously - perhaps in counseling and tell her that you have a strong desire to have children and whether she is a total "no" or would she consider adoption - if she just doesn't want to give birth. Or if there are issues in the relationship that make her not want to. You need to seriously sort that out and not just in passing convos. You exchanged vows with her and owe it to her and yourself to not just fly out of the marriage for a woman who is still married.

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I understand and am completely fine with paying her alimony. I guess it's just hard for us to both to let go of a marriage we love because we can't come to a agreement on an issue. I think we both know it's the right thing to do, but neither of us want to take that terrifying step of leaving. I know I've been cheating by having an emotional affair and should probably end that first to make sure it's not clouding my views of my wife.

Yes. and if your marriage is wonderful except the kid thing - can you feel satisfied with volunteering for Big Brothers/Big Sisters or mentoring a young person or being an uncle? There are couples who try to have a baby and it doesn't work out and they don't divorce over it. It is just life. I hope that when young men come to you for advice, you tell them to nail down the kids thing early on.

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You are handling this all wrong. Turning to another woman and potentially lining up a plan B is no way to end a 15year relationship. This emotional affair needs to end now.

 

If your wife doesn't want kids then get a divorce. Stay away from taken women, take some time to heal and grieve the loss of your long term marriage and get over your wife BEFORE you start dating again.

 

And stay away from taken women. If her relationship was that bad and she really wanted out-she would have left already..

 

You cant just hop from one relationship to another. That is dysfunctional. Everyone needs time and space to find themselves again after a long term relationship or else they will literally go from the frying pan into the fire

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You know what - i hate to see marriage so disposable. I get that you want kids - but you took her in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. The vow wasn't "to have kids or not have kids." What happened in the past, let's say, 5 years that made you not talk about your desire to have kids and how strong it was? I mean - you got married, you talked about kids - and then life happened. You didn't jump into a 2-5 year plan after marriage to have kids. And thats not ONLY her fault. I am truly wondering if your desire to have kids is stronger than your desire to fulfill your vows because you met this other woman and she has a child and is hinting that she would be open to making a baby with you. If this woman hadn't come around, you would have accepted that your wife's mind was changed and you also didn't help matters either. If this woman didn't come up, you would have accepted that there would be no kids and you love your wife deeply perhaps.

 

Honestly, if your wife says to let her go - just like that - i wonder if there isn't other things going on besides the kid issue. If that were me and I was crazy about my husband, I would try to work it out to see if we can be happy with no kids and his feelings will pass in a year or two (after all this is year 15, not year one with her) and he is going through the realization that he might not have kids, much like I am doing approaching 40 (i have to accept that just maybe it won't happen. It could. but the liklihood is slimmer). I know that i will make peace with it. If i really wanted to badly, I would have made different choices. OR I would explore whether my diswant of kids was not wanting to carry a child and give birth or was it children completely. And if then his desire was to take a gamble and leave me - well at least i tried to give it a fair shake if we were together that long.

 

At any rate - i hope that you make the right decision and cut the other woman loose so that you can really hash things out in your marriage and make it work or not

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Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. I agree that the other woman does cloud my thinking and I have to keep reminding myself that our life together would be very difficult, especially taking step children and ex husbands into account. I guess I've had a difficult time because we work together once a week and there is no avoiding that. Our project will be completed in about 8 months at which point we will no longer work together, but it's difficult when we have this natural chemistry. We have never acknowledged that we are having an emotional affair, but we're obviously having one. Should we talk about it and set new boundaries with our relationship or continue to ignore it? It feels like ignoring it only stokes the fire and eventually we'll do something even more regrettable.

 

As for my wife, I feel like we've really sustained damage because of the kid issue. It's affected so many parts of our life together and we can't really seem to feel close anymore. There's this giant wall between us and it's built out of my resentment and feelings of loss and her guilt. I agree that this other woman is not the answer, but I guess I'm afraid that my wife and I will divorce but I'll never find someone I want to have kids with. I guess I'm afraid we'll split up and then I'll realize that being with her but not having kids is better than being without her and having them with someone else. It's difficult and requires more faith than I think I have.

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You are correct about the other woman but don't put to much stock in the chemistry you both feel. Right now you both are lacking something in your current relationships so anything seems great right now. Like a man dying from thirst walking through the desert that comes accross a shallow puddle of filthy water, at that moment that water seems like the best water he has ever had.

 

I think if you can define WHY you want children so badly and if your wife can explain WHY she doesn't then you both may begin to see the others side. Your wife may have some hidden fears that she doesn't want to express to you. She may also fear being stuck at home all the time raising the kids while you are off at work so in the end she will carry most of the burden.

 

This is where a good therapist can help cut through all this and get down to the core issues. No matter what happens you need to act now and stop the slow death of your marriage. Seek out a good therapist you both feel comfortable with and face down your fears and be brutally open and honest in the sessions. Leave out the emotional affair though. Don't hurt her like that.....just end it now.

 

This is very tough but you can find the strength to face the fear of the unknown and make the hard choices ahead of you both.

 

Lost

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Thanks for your thoughts and your analogy about the water makes a lot of sense. We're using each other to make up for what's missing in our own marriages. She gets support and understanding from me, I get the hope and optimism of perhaps having children. But just because we fill in those gaps doesn't make it a good relationship or genuine chemistry.

 

I've always had a strong desire for children. I feel like it's my deepest natural instinct to be a father. I have an awesome dad and I would love to have that kind of relationship with my own child. I feel like I have a lot to share with a child and could bring a wonderful person into this world. My wife has admitted to me that she doesn't want children because she is selfish and lazy. Those were her exact words. She doesn't want to sacrifice her time or effort on a kid. Even though she completely smothers the dog with time, attention, and love. She also works with kids and loves them. But why not her own? She thinks she'll be a terrible mother. We've really hashed out all the reasons why we each want or don't want children and they're not issues that either of us can change because they're just part of who we are down to the core. I've also always thought that it may have been the fact that she didn't have the greatest parents that have made her not want them. She has an older sister who is also very against having kids.

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Let me ask you this. Do you want your children raised by a selfish lazy mother? I know you think that if she had a baby she would devote herself and be a great mom but if she doesn't feel that it doesn't matter.

 

I am sorry you are in this spot but I don't see any way of compromise here. Becoming a foster parent crossed my mind but that would be using a needy child to test things out with your wife.

 

What are your ages by the way? That makes a difference.

Lost

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My thoughts exactly. I like to think she'd be a good mother but just doesn't realize it, but in reality she probably would be a lazy and selfish mother which is not at all what I would want for my children. Yeah, people always talk about foster or adopting, but if she doesn't want her own child then she definitely doesn't want someone else's. She's 34, I'm 33.

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If you know not having kids is something you'll never get past (and will always want), then you should quit wasting time with this decision. You're already starting to look at other women and forming emotional affairs because you are so unhappy with this situation. But you don't want to add a big load of betrayal and pain by cheating just because you are too squeamish to make a decision and move forward. if you decide to stay, then you need to remind yourself that it was a choice, that your wife was worth making the sacrifice of not having kids. But if you think that sacrifice is too much to make, then don't shilly-shally and get on with the divorce and setting yourself and your wife free to find someone new who has the same objectives as you do

 

so you need to make a decision and move forward. And this other women is a BAD option and choice. you and she will never trust each other because you both started your affair by sneaking around on your current spouses. So you'll never fully trust each other, and that is a bad foundation for a relationship. There are a million women out there who would love to marry and have kids, and you shouldn't just grab the first woman who appears to be remotely interested in that, when she is already married and this involves emotional infidelity.

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Yes that is/was my dog. He died suddenly in November. He had been bitten by a rattlesnake in the spring and barely survived. The massive hemorrhaging that happened due to the bite must have weakened a blood vessel or something as he was running around happy as can be and then minutes later was gone. Only 8 yrs old and the best dog I have ever had. He was an awesome companion for my disabled son and a great friend.

 

Well you are still pretty young so you have a very tough choice ahead of you. From what you have described this is doing a lot of damage to your relationship and you are both growing apart. I am sorry but unless you can somehow get over (really get over) your desire for children I think your marriage will eventually end. If you end it now before something worse than emotional cheating happens it will be so much better.

 

It would have been better if she would have told you right from the start that she never wanted to have children but that didn't happen so now you have to decide how the next 50+ years will go for you.

Look at it this way. If you do split up and don't meet anyone you could always adopt a child by yourself. There are so many out there that need loving parents.

 

Lost

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lostandhurt the OP in his very first post said they both wanted children initially, but decided to wait because of the area they were living in. Then when they moved all of a sudden his wife changed his mind, that is what I understood from what he had written. OP I am not really an advocate for divorce except on the grounds of infidelity and as somebody said it's like marriage is so disposable these days. Fact is you married this woman for better or for worse. I don't think she is lazy, does she not go to work, take care of her dogs, take care of the house, take care of you (a truly lazy woman would not do that, you have been married 10 years, from what you have written of this woman, I strongly believe she would make a good mother), you said you have a wonderful marriage aside from this issue. You have to weigh your desire against your marriage and decide which one is pulls at your heart more, which could you not live without, your wife or children? What happens if you meet a woman and try for children only to find out that she cannot have children will you leave her again? What if you find you try for children and find you have a fertility issue, what will you do?

 

One thing with life and it is a cycle, we get married, we have children, the children grow, go off to uni, get married and technically leave you (mum and dad), You are left with your wife who is your companionship, whom you grow old with. You do not grow old with your children, they grow up into mature adults and effectively live their own lives in their own homes. If your lucky they might call you once a week (loool) or visit you once a week, if you are lucky. You married your wife, your companionship to grow old with for better for worse. Your wife whom has always been there for you and will always be there for you when you are old and grey, when these children you so desire will not be. They will be there for you, but not to the extent your wife will be. It's impossible. 15 years is no joke. There are underlying issues that your wife has and she should be encouraged to at least see a therapist.

 

Also with regards to this other woman, like others have said please end it before you do something you really will regret. If you choose not to end then admit to your wife that you have met somebody who you are having an emotional affair with and who is willing to give you children, then let her decide what next, since right now you are in the wrong here. You can not sort out your marriage if you are investing that time into another woman. This woman is having marital issues and you're just a distraction, something different that enables her not to deal with her current issues. You claim to be in love with your wife, so please do not hurt her, because believe me she will be gutted when she finds out about this other woman, despite the fact that she states that she is ready to let you go, she is not and she will be so gutted. It is better for you to leave her and then do whatever it is you like with whoever you like, than to cheat on her and then leave her... You both seem to have had a beautiful marriage bar this bridge of children that you are unable to cross, so if you are going to end it end it with integrity, she will love you all the more for it.

 

"I guess I'm afraid we'll split up and then I'll realize that being with her but not having kids is better than being without her and having them with someone else. It's difficult and requires more faith than I think I have. These are your words Smomez, and this is what you really need to weigh. 10 years of marriage is no joke. Before you throw it away really weigh it.

 

According to your post, you and your wife when living in an urban area wanted children, but decided the area was not conducive, you then moved and your wife suddenly changed her mind. Point is there was a time she wanted children, if you get to the root of the issue as to why she all of a sudden changed her mind then that is a start, but you cannot do that while having an emotional affair with another woman.

 

I wish you the best with it all.

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