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Will I wait or give up and move on?


Lulu101

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I was with my ex for nine years. He ended it two months ago. We argued a lot and he felt unappreciated.

 

However he wants to spend time together, text, know what I am doing etc. We hang around a lot and enjoy each others company.

 

When I mention the relationship he gets angry, says I messed it up, that we would be together still if I wasn't so controlling and that he wants to be friends.

 

Do you think he's leaving the door open for a reconciliation? When ever I talk about issues we had, he says they couldn't have changed already so I almost feel like he has set a time scale in his head for when we will get back together if we ever do.

 

I know logically the most sensible thing to do is end all contact, let him miss me and hope he comes back. But I'm afraid he won't and I will have ruined my chances of allowing us to connect again without the pressures of a relationship.

 

Any ideas on why he wants to stay on contact so much? I mean daily, calls, texts, visits?! Anyone been in a similar situation?

 

He tells me he isn't ready to move on and see other people, that he still loves me, but doesn't see a future at the moment. His words are 'Never say never, but at the moment no'

 

Any advice?

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You need to listen to what he's actually saying and not what you hope he means. If he's saying that there's no chance of getting back together now, then that's what he means.

 

Also, a relationship is a two-way street, and both people need to be able to take responsibility for it. By saying it's all your fault, he's simply using you as a catch-all scapegoat for why things didn't work out. That indicates that he would have no intention to work on the relationship to make it better a second time around - and any reconciliation that doesn't have both people invested will not be strong enough.

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I think that you should suggest talking about it, and if he refuses then say that you can simply not be friends. Because he is stringing you along right now, but not making a commitment. He will realize once you're not around to comfort him that he needs to step up, and figure out what he wants. I know it's hard, but you need to start replying less, and start No Contact. It will be very hard! But if he isn't willing to talk then he needs space away from you to figure out what he wants. You need to show him that HE chose this breakup, and you WILL NOT be around to comfort him.

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It's obvious at this point that staying friends will just hurt you. The chances of you getting back together by staying friends at this point are 1/100.

 

This is near-exactly the same thing I'm going through right now, don't worry. It's painful, I know.

Go NC for at least 30 days, without mentioning that you're going NC. If he tries to contact you in any shape or form, do not reply or pick up the phone. Make sure there's no (or little, at least) reminders of him in your house, like pictures, cards, etc, that'll resurface memories good or bad and stunt the healing process. As they say "out of sight, out of mind".

Find new hobbies to fill the void (I've chosen a gym membership and volunteering), and/or hang out with friends a lot. If friends aren't available (like is the case with me), feel free to vent on websites like this one, or watch the plethora of youtube videos available on this subject (this one immediately comes to mind).

 

IF you feel you were destined to be together, first wait, then give up.

But try to think of him as little as possible in the mean time. This is also worth a read:

 

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However, if he's unwilling to change, then even if a reconciliation happens, you may be unfortunate on this one, and it may not last long.

 

Best of luck to you. Be strong.

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"You need to listen to what he's actually saying and not what you hope he means."

 

^^^^ This times a thousand!!!

 

I think he cares for you and after 9yr you of course share a bond but he is very clear that its friends only so please listen!!! The moment someone else catches his attention he will be spending less time on your sofa with you.

 

Be kind. Be polite. Tell him of your feelings and your desires to have a relationship and tell simply that if he doesn't feel the same you both need to move on. Of course if he changes his mind he is free to come find you but no guarantees you will be available.

 

I know how much it hurts but the game you are playing with him will only lead to a bigger world of hurt when he actually cuts the cord.

 

Hugs!

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He tells me he isn't ready to move on and see other people, that he still loves me, but doesn't see a future at the moment.

 

And when he is ready to move on, he will. And leave you standing there wondering what happened.

Because he has finished and moved you to the friend zone.

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