Jump to content

Will it ever go away? It's a little long, but please help me if you can...


Recommended Posts

I'm hurting, and not sure if I'm really hurting, or just hurting myself...

 

I'm a 28 year-old woman. I wrote in the divorce forum I think a few years back about my impending divorce. To clue anyone who is kind enough to read this and help me, I'll re-explain with a shortened version of my story: I was in a 14 year relationship with D. (Let's just call him that). D. and I met when I was a freshman in high school, he was a junior. It was love at first sight. We were the couple in our high school that made everyone want to puke with how perfect we were...years marched on, our relationship stayed strong, and we were married when I was 22. We had four years of almost glowing-happy-ecstatic marital bliss...then he changed.

 

He began to act strange. By strange I mean, saying weird things about freedom, things he didn't get to do, blaming me for his not getting to do things that I had no idea before that he had wanted to do. He became listless, rarely laughed or smiled, when he was usually blissfully happy just by being with me. It had been that way for 10 years by that time...so happy. So very happy in our own, unique world that we created just for us. D. never before even raised his voice in anger or annoyance at me, but he began to over the smallest, pettiest things...I could feel him changing. He became downright depressed. He was unexplainably not my baby anymore.

 

I searched for what it would take to pull him out of this painful funk. I asked him if he would like to move to a big city to study art (he had originally wanted to do that before meeting me, then decided not to when we got together, despite my telling him to go. He had refused and had me convinced he was happy to stay in our hometown and just be together). He said no that wasn't it.

 

Finally, through heated and intense discussions, fights, tears...we found that he is, at heart, a polyamourous person (for those who don't know what that is, it's someone who feels that they are happiest in a relationship with more than one person, essentially not being tied down to one person). He wanted to start by experimenting with swinging with other couples, but told me what would make him happiest and what would be the truest to hisself, would be if we each brought in another person (another guy for me and another girl for him), and live like a family and share.

 

At first, I was just devestated. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel...we fought about it for a long time, and it was a long time before I was willing to go that far to make him happy and allow him to be himself....but eventually I just couldn't STAND seeing him so depressed and...just so not-himself. It literally hurt me, because i loved him so damned much. So...I said okay. I was willing to do it if it meant keeping him, and if it meant making him his old self again, even if things had to change...He PROMISED me that I'd still be the most important thing in his life, that his love for me wouldn't waver no matter who we added, no matter what unconventional things we had to do to keep him happy...He swore that I was still his "soulmate, wife, love of his life, baby-doll" all of the things he always called me. He promised I'd always come first...

 

God, was I naive. For about three years, we (or I tried, he thrived on it) struggled trying to grasp how to handle relationships, or family units that work like that. I tried, and it was very painful. The situations nearly killed me. I was emotionally bankrupt within the year. It was just so hard to do...it was him, but it just wasn't me...but I was willing to do it until the end of time if it meant keeping him. I loved him that much. He was my world, my soul-mate, my...everything.

 

But one day he came home and said "We need to talk". He sat me down and unceremoniously told me that he'd been lying to me for the last 14 years and that he never wanted children with me (something he always told me he wanted and something he knew I desperately needed out of life. We'd even picked out names for our future children and he always told me he was so excited to have them in the future). He told me that he only told me that to get me to marry him and that he never really meant it, but now that his life-style had changed, and he could have other women, he didn't need me anymore...he wanted a divorce. He wanted out of our marriage.

 

As I sank to the floor and cried, he then added blow by blow, by also telling me that not only was it the issue of not wanting kids as to why he wanted a divorce-- he said he didn't want to have to take care of a sick wife for the rest of his life (I had recently been diagnosed with about four different illnesses that made me chronically ill and required a lot of bed-rest and medication. He did take care of me a lot, the same as i had done for him when he was sick for a couple of years)...he told me that it's not the 1950's anymore and that a man shouldn't have to stay married to a woman if she becomes ill, and definitely shouldn't have to take care of her. Another point, connected to that idea was that because of my illness and the severity of it, I had had to drop out of college for the time being and I was unable to work.

 

Now, he made enough money with his career to support both of us quite comfortably, enough so that it wasn't even necessary for me to bring in an income-- but he went on again to make the comparison that I must think it's still the 1950's because in his ideal marriage a woman should have to bring in the same amount of income to the household, whether it was needed or not, purely on principle of being "modern" and "fair" and "progressive", and that if the wife couldn't do it, even if it was because of illness, then he should have the right to divorce her, so he could live a "modern" life and not be stuck in a "1950's mind-set".....This was all so shocking...I'm literally crying as I'm writing this because it all hurts and it just...I still sometimes can't believe it. He never felt that way before. He always told me he LOVED taking care of me. That I was his little "wifey-bear" and that he'd work hard to give me the world and enjoyed every second of it...and now this? He just kept going on and on about being "progressive", he needed to be in a "progressive" live style without the "normal" gender roles...

 

I was so shocked. This wasn't him at all. He always told me he'd take care of me if I got sick, and that he'd stay by me in sickness and in health. It was even in our vows...and here he was telling me that he was being "repressed" by having to be the sole bread-winner, even if we made more than enough to support ourselves and that my sickness made me "useless" to the "modern" lifestyle he wanted to live...he actually said those words. I was useless to him, and unable to be modern and enlightened if I was too sick to work.

 

He then told me that he wanted the divorce also because I was "selfish" to want kids. He said he couldn't believe I would have expected him to actually support me AND children...when I reminded him that he told me for 14 years that he deeply wanted children with me and would be happy to work to support us to have a family, that that used to be his goal, he once again reminded me that he lied the entire time and never meant it and it was an act so that I'd stay with him...and then-- and here was the biggest shock to my heart-- he BLAMED me for believing him. He said that another reason for wanting a divorce was because, and I quote him, "A good wife would have KNOWN that I was lying when I acted excited and happy at the thought of having children. If you were really a good wife, you would have been able to read my mind and know that I didn't mean it".

 

That was it. That broke my heart to peices. It shattered. He then added insult to injury by telling me numerous other horrid things like he hated the way I had sex (he always told me our love-making was special, amazing and full-filling. Up until we became polyamorous we had only had sex with eachother-- on our wedding night, for the first time!) and that he needed someone better in the sack (again, his words). He said he couldn't stay married to someone who couldn't give him exactly what he wanted in bed, and that he needed better than what I had. He was also displeased with my body, and told me so-- I'm only 90 lb.s with small breasts, and he said that though he once found me the most beautiful woman in the entire world, for some reason he couldn't explain he now wanted someone curvier and "with actual ". My soul shattered...my husband hated my body, and the most private things I shared with him....when he told me he loved them....

 

He also told me that a lot of the girls he was talking to on the forums and websites for polyamorous relationship advice that I was "abusing" him by not letting him sleep with other women sooner than I did, and by expecting him to raise a family with me like he'd promised me for over a decade...

 

He then forced me, and I'm not exaggerating when I say forced-- me to sign divorce papers. I begged, I cried, I got on my knees and wrapped my arms around his legs, I held him and whispered the lyrics to our song that we danced to at our wedding...nothing. He was so cold and told me that I had a duty to keep him happy by giving him a divorce and that, in fact, he resented me for not doing all the work myself (meaning going to get the papers at the court house, all the paper work etc.) when I was fighting tooth and nail to save our marriage. I begged for counseling, to go talk to our pastor, anything , please don't leave me I love you, but his response was..."Well, I don't love you anymore and I don't want you and you're signing the papers if I have to drag you in front of a judge to make you do it."

 

My love, my soulmate, my D.....he'd just become someone else. He went from being the most sensitive, kind, gracious, loving, intelligent man who loved and doted on me, who gave me the world and glowed from doing it, to being a cold, heartless monster forcing me to sign away our marraige and insult who I was as a person, as a wife while doing it. He admitted he changed and that he was cruel and told me he couldn't tell me why...he admitted to it all, but it didn't stop him from saying the cruel things. He told me that all of the things he once cherished about me, he just didn't care for anymore and his "needs and tastes just changed, so I had to move along".

 

"Don't beg, you're not a dog", he said....God, it feels like a punch in the stomach just to remember him saying that as I was on my knees telling him I loved him and not to leave me....

 

You guys, I just...it's been about two years now and I...I just can't breathe when I think about it all. I feel like such a failure. I failed. I was so stupid....

 

I am now in a good relationship with a guy, a good guy, who I share a rental home with now, and I AM happy with him...I do see a future with this new man, but WHY does the pain, the memories make me feel so awful. Does it ever, ever go away? Why do I feel like the failure when it was all his choice and I did everything I could, and he was so cruel about it...

 

I was going through some boxes from moving into my new home with my new boyfriend and found the box I had forgotten about-- it was all of D. and I's Valentine's Day cards, birthday cards, Anniversary cards, Wedding cards, little notes we'd written to eachother from high school up until the divorce, such loving and special things. Every word so very us, so unique to how we were...I think I literally drenched them in my tears. I just feel so much regret. I feel like it's all my fault somehow. He even said he blamed me...blamed me for not reading his mind, blamed me for not being better in bed, blamed me for not having bigger breasts and being curvier, blamed me for being sick and being a 1950's girl for expecting him to take care of and support his wife...I threw them in the trash, but I couldn't shake the memories. Where did I go wrong? How did I make him stop loving me and only me?....

 

Has anyone else gone through this? Have any of you had someone you loved so dearly, someone who completed you, that you lived your life FOR and had them change...had them fall out of love with you...have them reveal what you thought was, was never really there?

 

And from all the divorcee's out there...does the sense of guilt and failure-- the soul-killing sense of failure that hangs in my heart no matter how happy I am with my new love...does it ever go away? How do I be okay? How do I heal? I'm trying so hard to get back, what he took away...I really am...but I just need some kind words. I don't know, someone to tell me it does get better. That it wasn't my fault. That that feeling of failure at life will pass...Everytime i think I'm better, I'm okay and over it...another wave of sorrow, or hurt feelings comes crashing upon me and I feel worthless as a woman, as a person...unlovable...If we could have such a relationship that was so wonderful, so blissful and...I mean it when I say it was heaven for the first decade...the whole decade full of love, devotion, support, being best friends and lovers...and if all of the things about me could make him want to sever our marriage, whats WRONG with me? Am I even lovable? Am I even worth it? Am I worthy of love? God, I tried so hard to make him happy...sacrificed so much...

 

D. crushed my soul. He took it away. I gave him me, my all, everything I had, 14 years of my life and all of my love...and he destroyed any self-confidence that I built up through-out my life and I'm pathetic now, or at least I feel so. My heart never really put itself back together...please help. Help me. I feel so broken, and I'm starting to hate myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My God OP...I had a very hard time reading this. I am really sorry you are still dealing with these feelings, especially since you say you're with a good guy right now.

 

I think it's absolutely horrible that your ex has tried to pin all of this on you. How dare he. It seems like HE is the one who changed...after 14 years together, he changed, and became someone that basically just wanted to sleep around. I think, even though you guys were both in love at one point, he got into something too serious too soon (when you guys were in high school). But this is NOT your fault! It's NOT your fault that he chose to stick around...he could have left you in year 3, year 7, hell even in year 10! He is the one who chose to stay all of those years, despite not getting what he needed.

 

OP, I struggle with self-blame too. I still kinda blame myself for losing my ex just over a year ago. But you have to understand (and so do I, but of course, I never take my own advice) that it takes two to kill a relationship...you clearly were devoted to him and really wanted to work through your problems (as did I). The mere fact that you even tried to accommodate his swinging lifestyle speaks volumes to how much you loved him.

 

I think you need to try and let go of all of this pain, knowing how much of a devoted and loving person you are. Trust me...there are MANY men out there looking for someone like you, and you may have already found one of them. Focus more on your future...I know you probably still have feelings towards your ex, but he isn't worth it. Let him have his empty swinging lifestyle. And please, throw away all of those cards!! Trust me, I used to have a box of all my ex's stuff, it was too painful to even look at the box, let alone the contents.

 

Hang in there OP.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't really have a lot of experience in relationships and marriages but I think you still feel that way because on a level you betrayed and compromised yourself in order to save your relationship. We all make mistakes and you need to forgive yourself for them. Your soul is not crushed, please don't think that. There are so many people in this world, just look around. You are not unlovable and nothing is wrong with you. Your ex husband sounds horrible, the thing is you two met very young and he changed into a different person.

 

Destroy everything that reminds you of him and try to move on. I think you really would benefit from counselling as well. You need to let this out and talking to a professional will help you a lot. Darkest nights produce brightest stars. Try accepting and loving yourself, you only wanted to be happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, I am so sorry for all you have had to go through. But as one divorcee to another, please let me tell you that it DOES get better. I understand completely how you feel. I never wanted to get a divorce, I too tried everything I could to save my marriage, and when I finally came to the realization that I just couldn't- it hurt. I felt like a failure, I felt that I had done something wrong, I felt like maybe if I "just tried this, just said that, if only I did, I did, I DID!" The problem with this logic, OP, is that YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE.

 

Say it with me, " You cannot control someone else". Stop beating yourself up. YOU TRIED!!!! What many people do not realize, especially people who have never divorced and love to judge those that are , is that BOTH people have to be willing to save the marriage. If one person is not trying, if one person has decided to leave no matter what, if one person's heart is not in it at ALL, there is nothing- I repeat, NOTHING you could have done to stop it. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. If they want out, they are going to get out. There is nothing more that you could have done.

 

Please stop hating yourself. He's the one who should be ashamed, not you. You should hold your head high and know in your heart of hearts that you did everything you could to save your marriage. You didn't quit, you didn't give up, you tried. And at the end of the day, that's all you could have done. You aren't a failure.

 

I understand your pain. My ex-husband did a lot of the same things to me. Lied to me about wanting kids until much later in the marriage. Changed his personality in many major ways, and when I questioned it, he was quick to respond with, " I haven't changed, I've always been this way. I just hid it from you". It's excruciating to feel lied to, taken advantage of, discarded. But OP, people DO change. People sometimes can't admit who they really are, and it comes out much later. It's tough when you don't even recognize the person you fell in love with anymore.

 

I know it's a hard thing to get over, and it took me a while. However, please please know that you are not the only person this has happened to. There are many of us out there. The best advice I can give you- Stay positive. You can still be happy. You can still find a man who DOES want what you want. There are a lot of good guys out there who won't treat you this way. Don't focus on what he did wrong, think about what You did right. You were a loving wife, you tried to compromise, you tried your best to make your husband happy, you tried to save your marriage. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, so get that out of your head right now. Don't listen to people out there who have never been through a divorce and love to throw out phrases like, " Divorced people are quitters, they just didn't "try hard enough", etc" Not only is it a complete lie, those people haven't lived in our shoes. I know in my heart that I was not a quitter. Sometime you can put your whole heart and soul into a marriage and do everything you are supposed to, and it STILL doesn't work out. And why? Because, say it with me, " You cannot control the other person".

 

Take some time for yourself. Spoil yourself a little. Do things that you love. Remember, you had a life before him and you will have a life after him too. Allow yourself to forgive yourself. You aren't a failure or a quitter or anything like that. Divorce is not the end, it's a new beginning.

I've been in your shoes, and now years after my divorce, I am the happiest I have ever been. Four years ago, I wouldn't have thought it possible, so I KNOW that it is possible for you. Hang in there, take it easy on yourself. Let go of the negative and concentrate on the good in you.

 

All the best to you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It does get better. 14 years is a long time. It will take a long time to recover from the depth of betrayal that you went through... but you will. If you want to. Even really, really wanting it isn't going to make it an overnight process.

 

You should go to counseling for your own sake. You are internalizing his words in a way that isn't all that uncommon, and I really think therapy would help you work through that. He blamed you for his changing...changes that he couldn't explain beyond that it was somehow your fault. Do you not see the irony in that? You're still blaming yourself when it was NOT your fault... just because he told you it was. In a way, you're still living for him...still letting him have the control. We can't force another person to do anything, to become anything. They make their choices, just as we make ours. He tried to pass his own guilt on to you... and he succeeded. I don't know what you need to do to drill that into your psyche, but do it. People are responsible for their choices. No pointing fingers. No blame. No guilt.

 

You have got to work to heal your heart, hon. You have got to live for you. You deserve it, and if you will do it for no other reason that that, it will be enough. If your current partner is as wonderful as you say... ask them for help. It is in his best interest for you to be whole and healed and healthy as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Say it with me, " You cannot control someone else". Stop beating yourself up. YOU TRIED!!!! What many people do not realize, especially people who have never divorced and love to judge those that are , is that BOTH people have to be willing to save the marriage. If one person is not trying, if one person has decided to leave no matter what, if one person's heart is not in it at ALL, there is nothing- I repeat, NOTHING you could have done to stop it. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. If they want out, they are going to get out. There is nothing more that you could have done.

 

All the best to you

 

Well said. While I haven't gone through a divorce, I share the raw emotions you are going through. Likely a lot older than you, it still happens when we get older. My ex said he needed to explore his feelings for his ex-gf who dumped him a year prior. Similar to your pain of him saying he doesn't love you and wanting out. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! Like you, I had to let him go. I knew I couldn't change him. (This advice coming from his ex-wife/mother of his kids who I became friends with). It was hard to hear, but I knew that I had to start the process to move forward rather than beating myself up - and knowing in my heart of hearts it was NOT MY FAULT. While my situation wasn't as long as yours, the pain feels very similar. And I am ready to learn from it as I work through the stages of loss. I feel your pain all too well. And encourage you to continue to post, read, share, listen, go to therapy.

 

My heart aches with you. You sound like a very well-spoken woman and recognize what you went through. Continue to recognize all your feeling and look forward. I'm doing what I can to tell myself the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, he was your first love. You were children when you met. It's pretty unusual that you actually married your high school sweetheart. It's romantic and it's sweet -- but it's also a lot to expect two people who come together in their early teens to spend the rest of their lives together. Not in ANY WAY to excuse the way your ex-H treated you, But neither of you were able to experience being independent single adults, which is an important life stage of exploration and self-discovery that most people are able to go through before marriage.

 

You're NOT a failure, not at all. I just think your situation was pretty much stacked against you.

 

I also met my ex-H when I was young -- not as young as you, I was 18. We were together for over 20 years. I was fortunate that he wasn't my first relationship and I've had relationships since we broke up. I'm only giving you the specs here so you can understand my perspective -- which is, you spent a chunk of your life with this guy, but he's not *the one great love of your life*. He might seem that way right now, because you're not over him yet. And yes, he represents a significant part of your life -- your teenage years, your young adult years -- but you have SO MUCH MORE ahead of you.

 

Seriously. The relationships I've had since my divorce have been SO much better -- in so many ways. I mean, knock-it-out-of-the-park, pie-in-the-face, full-on LOVE affairs.

 

I question whether you're really IN LOVE with this new guy you have in your life right now. It's only been two years since your divorce and you're already living together.... how long were you on your own before getting involved with him? I get that you think he's a great person -- but do you think he's a rebound?

 

It sounds to me like you're not really over your ex. And that's perfectly natural, it can take a few years to recover from such a long relationship. I can remember breaking down in the condiments aisle of my local supermarket in the months following my divorce -- because as I stood there, I realized it had been so long that I bought everything based on what my husband and I agreed we liked, that I didn't even know what kind of mayonnaise I preferred as a single person. Worse -- I couldn't decide if I even LIKED mayonnaise. I honestly didn't know. So I stood there like an idiot for half an hour in the condiment aisle, crying like a baby because of how little I knew myself. I can't imagine being in a relationship during that time, I couldn't even handle the mayo!!

 

I'm wondering why you're not taking more time to be single right now? To date other people? And to just get comfortable being back in your own skin, reaquainting yourself with who YOU are, independent of a relationship. You can't really go through life living it FOR another person. You relied on your ex to take care of you -- to always be there for you -- to support you and a baby one day... these are comforting ideas but in real life, we need to learn self-reliance. Another person can't really COMPLETE you. That was a good line in a movie -- but movies aren't real life and they're not meant to be. They're meant as ESCAPE from real life.

 

It sounds trite, but it sounds to me like you need to fall in love with yourself right now. Are you in therapy? I agree that counselling might really benefit you at this stage of your life. You sound like you're suffering so much... but you really have so much to look forward to and SO MANY years ahead to recover from this divorce, to heal and move on, to meet someone you love even more and start a family with and have a whole other life together!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, it is not your fault. There is no mistake either. It's just that you were together from such a young age, neither one of you really knew who you are, but you stayed together, got married without really exploring that.

 

You stayed who you are, he changed or perhaps acknowledged to himself who he really is deep down at long last. The thing with that is that it was not workable for you two. You were both living in hell. You tried to be someone you are not for his sake, but he knew well it was destroying you and wasn't working. Realize that internally he wasn't happy either seeing the misery the situation is bringing to you. Basically, to stay together, one or the other of you would have to live a life you could never be happy with. Which means neither one of you could ever be truly happy. You HAD to let each other go.

 

It may be hard to understand, but he did very much love you and meant the good things he told you. At the same time, he had to break all that and destroy it in order to move on. Seeing you putting on a brave face and trying to be someone you are not, clinging dearly to the relationship...in a way he was too....it had to end. He was cruel because in his mind, it was the only thing that would make you leave. You were willing to live in misery otherwise, clinging to the past and to the dreams promised no matter what. So he smashed them not just for you but for himself as well. You never gave him reason to leave you other than you two were just not compatible and you were trying so hard, too hard, so he had to make up reasons, cruel reasons to end things. I hope that I'm making sense in what I'm trying to say.

 

Please forget the cruel words, he didn't really mean them, he needed them to end things with you. Don't blame him or yourself either. The most important thing sometimes is acknowledging that you two are too different to ever work. It's OK to let go of someone who is not compatible, to part company, to say I love you, but WE can never work this way. For a marriage to work, both people have to be able to be true to who they are and still fully mesh with each other. When that's not the case, it's better to shake hands and part company. That is not failure. Failure is spending a lifetime pretending to be someone you are not and trying to live a lifestyle that is not for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

You're NOT a failure, not at all. I just think your situation was pretty much stacked against you.

 

 

Seriously. The relationships I've had since my divorce have been SO much better -- in so many ways. I mean, knock-it-out-of-the-park, pie-in-the-face, full-on LOVE affairs.

 

 

 

Sharky, your post made me cry and smile. Thank you for sharing your story. I keep telling myself, things happen for a reason. And looking forward to that pie-in-the-face LOVE that you describe. (Hold the mayo)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To all of you who posted, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I read each and every one at least twice over and thought about them deeply. You are all so kind and insightful, and that is just what I needed and asked for.

 

DancingFool-- You seem to know what you're talking about. I never really thought about it that way, or considered that as an explaination. But it's definitely something I'll think on more, and it helped lift my heart a little. Thank you, very much.

 

MCJD4ever-- Thank you, you are incredibly kind. And it helped a lot to hear someone had gone through similar things. You are very empathetic and that's a comfort.

 

Sharky-- I would love to go to therapy, but have no insurance and having a hard time finding something I can afford, but I do know it's my best bet.I thank you for your kind but honest advice. I value honesty in people very much, and you have that great quality and give good advice. I will say, that while I understand why you'd question my relationship with the new guy, I do love him-- at least I believe I do-- I guess who ever really knows why you feel a way about someone..

 

I can promise you he's not a rebound, he really is so kind and it was kind of a love at first sight thing. Despite the divorce and the grief I was under, I literally fell in love with him as my marriage was ending, so it was strange timing...But when I met him, I just looked at him and he looked at me and it was like the world just stopped and we fell in love...It was kind of like falling off of a building, and having someone open one of those fire-man parachute thingys (lol, sorry I don't know what they're called) right before I hit the ground. He saved my life, and made my heart beat again...

 

I guess, though, I can take to heart what you said about it being too soon to be in that kind of a relationship...you may be right, because I feel, sometimes, like I'm no good to my boyfriend or anyone because of the ensuing depression, anxiety, and my physical illnesses. But...were it not for him, I would have...and I feel so pathetic saying this...I maybe would have killed myself after D. shredded our marriage (in fact, when D. first started all this and told me about the lifestyle he needed to live, I made an suicide attempt, that's how much it hurt me for him to change like that. I lost my mind and tried to end my life)

 

...If I had been alone, I think, and I don't know why, that I would have been worse off, for some reason... this man gave me a reason to live, loves and takes care of me (I'm still very physically ill, and he has been an angel about taking care of me in that capacity), we share such an intense bond, that is actually reminiscint of what D. and I had before he changed, back when we were happy. He makes me forget about D...for the most part, and I say "most part" because when a relationship was as long and as deep (like you said 14 years, we were children together and he did have a huge chunk of my life), and then ends painfully I do'n't think anyone ever completely gets rid of ALL the hurt and ALL the scars. But he brings me pretty close...though there is still pain like when I found the box of mementos. The memories just seared me, and drowned me...do you think this means I'm not over him, or that it's just natural to still be so hurt by the loss of my marriage still? I have a hard time, and second guess myself...I really don't know.

 

But my boyfriend-- he's so kind, and supportive even when my tears are about what I went through with the divorce. He's been here every step of the way.

 

I think right now, at least I feel in my heart of hearts that my new boyfriend is good for me.

 

He provides stability, and that's been the biggest allieviator of the pain of the divorce, sickness, depression...I thrive on stability (something else my ex hated about me and told me was another reason for wanting a divorce-- that I need too much stability, and don't do very well without it). I wonder if I'm one of those flawed people who just can't be alone? I don't know, I wonder about that myself...Do you think I'm being naive again? I mean by dating this new guy? I'm not being angry or sarcastic at all, I hope it doesn't read that way, I'd really like your honest opinion, Sharky. i need someone else to help me see what i can't sometimes...

 

Do you think I'm naive to trust this man, and continue the life he is giving me? Because one thing I will be completely honest about is that I do now have trust issues because of my ex...I get so scared my new guy will change suddenly and rip my heart out just like D. He shows no signs of doing so, and treats me the way someone you love should be treated, but there's that irrational fear now, and I know it comes from D. It's so hard to trust...

 

Sharky, how do I have complete faith in someone ever again? I would like a family with this man, really, truly I feel this way about him. I love him and he touches and warms my heart so deeply. I really truly am in love, I do not guestion that. God, the second i saw him...time stopped.... and he makes me happy, and I know he intends for us to work towards marriage and a family and he isn't lying. We both want and cherish the same things. But the faith, the trust...did it ever come back for you, Sharky? And if it did, how long did it take? Because that's where I think any of my trouble is. This man is no rebound, he is a deep, deep part of my heart and I feel passionately for him. I love him...so, I'm terrified I'll screw it up by not trusting him enough and by letting my emotional baggage from my ex's betrayal hurt us...

 

.....He really has become my best friend, and he is really great, I can't say enough about him, really, and about how much I loved him from the moment our eyes met...but how do I trust again, and how do I tell when I'm moving on with life and accepting love and a good relationship, or just being naive in thinking that it could last or will work....I guess, I could use some advice or opinions on that....I'm sorry, I know I'm repeating myself and basically saying the same thing and asking the same questions over and over, but these are huge worries for me and I get repetetive when I'm scared or emotional. Thanks for listening, I know it's a long reply.

 

SilverSoul-- Your words were very uplifting. Maybe you're right, maybe my soul isn't shattered, not completely, because I came to love again with my new boyfriend. You are right there are so many people out there to add good to my life...I'll try to remember that when I feel that kind of anguish. Thank you also for telling me I'm not unlovable...I feel that way so much sometimes. I lost so much self esteem, the irony being that D. helped me build it up to the point I just exhuded and embodied happiness and confidance after a horrible life growing up and being bullied to the point of a break-down as a adolescent. It felt like he just reached in and grabbed all that self-esteem he helped me build, and...god, I'm starting to cry again...I just hate looking in the mirror sometimes and his painful insults echo when I do. I used to feel so beautiful and loved myself. How did I let him drag me down that low?...

 

PearHarbor-- Thank you for opening up and sharing your grief with me. It is heartening to know I'm not alone and that you got through it too. I need that in a major way. You made me feel loved. I'm so sorry for what he did to you, and I feel with you...it sounds crushing, so I send you love and hugs for what you went through. Thank you for aching with me, I mean it. I echo your thought that everything happens for a reason, and a better life is waiting for both of us, like Sharky said.

 

Same for you, RedSwim-- thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel in good company and comforted. I did. I did try...I tried so hard to save our marriage, to do what I thought was right...I'll try even harder not to believe him when he blames me...you're right, I couldn't just force him to love me again or stay with me or not change. It's encouraging that you made it and are happier than you were. I aspire to be where you are.

 

Liraele-- Thank you, I needed to hear that as well. I need to know, hear if from someone else that it takes time, that it will ease...it's just so hard to endure, right now...My family and friends are not so patient...I don't think they understand how much I'm hurting and how much time I need before I "Stop whining" and "Just choose to be happy"...that hurts a lot and I need more support. It was a three and a half year battle, and it left me depleted. You can't build up a destroyed building in just one day, and I'm no different because of the extent of the damage done to me...I just wish they could empathize and not be cruel about having to work through it.

 

Again, thank you all so much...I needed this. I needed to hear all of this. Sorry again for the extremely long post and long reply...I've just got so much pouring out of my heart at once.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, I'm so sorry. So sorry this happened to you.

 

I mean this in the nicest way possible, BUT he didn't change, he was always that person. Why he waited 14 years to find his true self (someone who wants to out and have sex with lots of people -- the polyamorous thing is nonsense) won't change anything. Why he couldn't man up and admit his true self to you is not on you. It doesn't speak to your character, it speaks to his. He is a childish confused man-boy. Do not waste another second of your life on this person. You'll never find the answers.

 

Take all the old notes, photos etc and either give them to a trusted friend to go through at another time in your life -- like way down the road when you've healed from him or throw them out. Seriously, I'm so sorry he was so terrible to you and put his crappy behavior on you. ITS NOT YOU ITS HIM. Seriously.

 

Please take time to heal in your own way. If your family/friends tell you to "just be happy" or whatever non-support "support" then come here or talk to a therapist. Find the outlet you need. Sometimes when the chips are down, only then do we find our true friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jane9-- First, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. I know it was a long one, so I'm equally suprised and delighted that people took that much time....as for him always being that way...I've feared that.

 

I guess I can never really know for certain, because even he says contradicting things, such as "Well, I was always going to be this way, it just took time to realize," to "I just changed, I know that. People just change, get over it!" So...maybe it's a bit of both? Perhaps that tendency was always there, or maybe his parents instilled something in him to be that way, but it always lied subconsciously until something triggered it...I don't know.

 

I honestly don't know which one's more of a comfort-- that the whole time, he wasn't who I thought he was and those things he said and did for me were NEVER real...or he changed so much that those feelings for me are as gone as dust all for a bunch of girls who can't make a commitment, and the person I loved is practically dead.

 

I guess, you are right-- I will never find the answers. It does make it hard to grieve. I don't what I'm grieving for. A lie or a death? Was there ever anything there to cry about in the first place, or did HE just lose enough feeling and love for me that he turned to that?

 

I have gotten rid of all of the cards and mementos I can find. The problem is, it was a long relationship with lots of boxes of things hidden, and they keep popping up and suprising me when I didn't know there were any left to find, like some tragic Jack-in-the-box going "surprise! Remember your failure! Hahaha!"

 

I have found out the hardest way possible that you find out who your friends are when things get really dark...it's depressing how many people I THOUGHT were there, as compared to how many actually were even when we didn't ask anyone to take sides, didn't drag anyone into it and asked everyone to be kind to the other one-- that was one thing he did that was decent for me-- he didn't try to turn my friends against me. But they just...I don't know, maybe it was too much for them. I have no idea. It was nothing we all hadn't been through before together, honestly-- deaths, break-ups, illnesses....you name it, we congregated. But for some reason, I was different...that's what hurt so much.

 

Again, thank you so much for posting and for taking the time to help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...