For those of you struggling, there is hope

[beingawesome]

Sweetie, just because two people get married and have a baby doesn't mean it was right for them to get back together or that they'll stay together!

 

The story doesn't *end* with marriage.... or with reconciliation, as in the OP's case, especially if HE was the one to instigate it. The odds are much better if the dumper comes to this conclusions themselves. I was a dumper who changed my mind and reconciled with my ex ... and he didn't have to *improve* ONE SINGLE THING about himself to make it happen! And we were happy together for many years.

 

A reconciliation isn't doomed to fail just because the dumper initiates it, just as a reconciliation isn't fated to succeed if the dumper is the one who comes to that realization. And while it's great that you were able to reconcile with your ex, that is not the only path to reach the same result, in my opinion.

[Monkey ai]

Sweetie, just because two people get married and have a baby doesn't mean it was right for them to get back together or that they'll stay together!

 

The story doesn't *end* with marriage.... or with reconciliation, as in the OP's case, especially if HE was the one to instigate it. The odds are much better if the dumper comes to this conclusions themselves. I was a dumper who changed my mind and reconciled with my ex ... and he didn't have to *improve* ONE SINGLE THING about himself to make it happen! And we were happy together for many years.

 

I am not sure if we are talking about samething, I never believe to settle just because you want marriage, it is about love, "romantic love" is most beautiful thing, but also it is most unreliable and self-fulfilled act. I think in order for longtime relationship, you have to have “love” and “romantic love”, that is why so hard …

 

BTW- my friend and her Husband, they to do love each other, not because marriage.

 

Ideally it is better dumper ask be back 1st. but sometime after BU, you don't know other person's mind, onetime I get back with one of my ex( I was dumper), I was very happy about it, as I do miss many things about him, when he ask me after almost 1 year apart, we end second time, because he want to moved back his home country, I cannot do it, as i don't speak their language and I have my career here...I am not sad, we become real good friend.

 

what I am trying to say, you never know what in the future, but you have to move on, not expecting the outcome… everyone is different, and situation is different,

[Lucha]

Many people on here seem to state that it doesnt make a difference if reconciliation was initiated by the dumper or the dumpee. As much as I would like to believe that (I'd call her right now if I thought my chances were good) I do not agree.. I mean, you (dumpee) can be putting yourself out there for A. More hurt bc yeah, they're really sure about the breakup, B. Be strung along another six months bc dumper gets that you're still available and madly in love with them, C. Dumper realizes they love you too and want to give things another go. I think for most dumpees, unfortunately odds are against them.. But hey, let's assume option C also happens sometimes and that there is in fact (albeit little) hope.

[toby4]

I think this sums it up nicely... When you first fall in "love" you're infatuated and the other person is perfect, Then once you can see that they are not perfect and you still want to be with them then that is real love! They call it falling in love for a reason, you didn't see it coming and you fell into the pit of "love" as if you tripped! Unfortunately a lot of people break away once they think they're with someone who isn't perfect for them.

[Twidom]

I'm happy for you. It's good to see you want to improve yourself. However this is a rare case. Getting back does happen, of course it does. But it's not a common thing.

 

I'd watch me back if I were you.

[Lucha]

I think this sums it up nicely... When you first fall in "love" you're infatuated and the other person is perfect, Then once you can see that they are not perfect and you still want to be with them then that is real love! They call it falling in love for a reason, you didn't see it coming and you fell into the pit of "love" as if you tripped! Unfortunately a lot of people break away once they think they're with someone who isn't perfect for them.

 

Well said. indeed that is the core problem of many relationships. While I am sure a lot of people just aren't compatible, and therefore decide to go look elsewhere for a more suitable partner (or in case there had been domestic violence or cheating involved), I am also convinced that a lot of compatible partners get dumped bc the dumper isnt mature enough to understand the dynamics of relationships. For many people, unfortunately, infatuation = love and therefore you should keep looking for it (and never be truly happy)

[doicare]

I agree for the most part with what Sharky says. I think true real love, is for better or worse, and you don't want to be with a fair-weather partner, who will leave you at the first sign of cloudy skies.

 

That said, if you as the dumpee, had any part in your ex falling out of love with you, lets say you got lazy, lost your ambition and became super co dependent, these characteristics are very unattractive. Hitting the gym and taking care of yourself are signs of someone who loves themselves, and yes that is attractive. Can it be expected that you'll stay in 100% shape your whole life and be a millionaire? Definitely not, but having confidence and a good attitude, and being supportive is something that I would value in a relationship.

 

For example I know I wouldnt want to be with someone who stopped trying, stopped taking care of themselves, gave up on life and contented themselves that i was the center of their world. I wouldnt expect them to accept the same of me either - how can you love someone who doesnt love themselves??.... In some cases (not generalizing here) I think we need to take some (not all of course - say 50%) responsibility.

 

Again, it's a balance.

 

As for my situation I see where I could have been a better boyfriend, but for the most part I know I was pretty awesome. Could I have listened better and handled my reactions with her a little better? yes and that is something i want to be better at.

[sharky988]

I think what turns my stomach about threads like this is that "HEY IT WORKED FOR ME, DO THIS AND YOU'LL GET YOUR EX BACK!" used car dealer quality.

 

You know, once every now and then, someone really DOES reconcile. And usually, it has nothing to do with anything the dumpee does. It's because the dumper missed you and realized they wanted another chance. And to those fortunate few people: congratulations. I don't think this is the case with the OP and I'd say his chances are pretty slim that a lasting reconciliation is going to happen here. If it does, it probably has nothing to do with those pounds he lost at the gym or his 3-month self-improvement plan. It's because his ex missed HIM, the old fat lazy flawed REAL him, and wanted him back. People make A LOT of money trying to sell the concept that you, as the dumpee, can change things about yourself and that this will somehow make your ex change their mind.... and that's a scam. Worse: it causes many people to live in a state of false hope and delays their healing.

 

It's just pure bull, imo, to be telling people who are in such a vulnerable emotional state that if they do A, B and C they can get their ex back... I just think it's cruel. Just my opinion.

[Brotherhood67]

I have to give Sharky a point on this... Among other points ;-)

 

Just think about that for a moment : If you had a meaningful relationship with someone, it is pretty obvious that he ou she loved you for what you truly were when you were together. Attraction is something extremely volatile and indeed tends to depend on many factors including emotional ones (the way you talk, your attitude etc.) and more "physical ones". By improving those things, you indeed might improve your chance to attract the lost loved one but also might push them even further : real change takes time and 3 months is obvisously not enough...

Beyond attraction, there's something I like to call "love". That's a feeling of wanting to be with you and to stay with you whatever you might do or not do. It's deep, it's profound, it's (supposedly...) durable. So, when your SO leaves you, I tend to believe that they just lost not only attraction but also some kind of love for you.

 

Really, it's like some kind of chocolate-wrapped candy bar : you might change the taste of the outer wrapping by adding more chocolate to it, changing the quality of it but in the end, it's because of what's inside the chocolate that your ex left you (picture a licorice stuffed candy bar... Bwahh !! No offense for licorice lovers !). And changing the licorice for something else takes time. A REALLY LONG TIME. Your ex will maybe take a bite in the new "you" but as soon as he or she realizes that licorice is still inside, Off they will go !

 

The only legitimate and believable solution in this case is that, down the line, your ex finally discovers that licorice is not so bad and even tastes good (pretty rare...) or that after a long time, you indeed traded licorice for something else. But in this case, it's like playing russian roulette : you might also evolve into someone they might not care about... Or you might not even care anymore for them. And trust me, that's also a good thing, but for you !

 

You're the only one that counts ! Your past relationship died and you should work on improving yourself for you. Don't change FOR someone who left you. Change for yourself if you want to. And if you don't want to change, then that's okay too.

 

Go with the flow ! ;-)

[Twidom]

Can we please put this inside a display with big lights and signs?

[Kinderblut]

usually, it has nothing to do with anything the dumpee does.

 

Actually, it does.

If I'd had followed my intuition, I'd still be talking to my ex, which wouldn't give her chance to miss me in the first place.

 

It's because his ex missed HIM, the old fat lazy flawed REAL him, and wanted him back

 

While this may be true physically, it is counter-productive in terms of mentality. These flaws that are supposedly a part of your "individuality" will still exist, even if reconciliation happens (and will also carry over into relationships to come), and it's likely that the new relationship will suffer the same fate it did initially because of them.

And besides, an integral part of making yourself look attractive is your physical appearance. So altering your physical appearance to be more desirable is a win in the long run, regardless of whether it's for your ex or not.

 

Let me give you an example:

I received an epiphany about a week ago that my ex broke with me because I became complacent and simply didn't push myself enough. This gave me the opportunity to be more motivated, and thus enforce discipline upon myself that didn't exist prior to BU, whether this be physical (started the gym) or mental (started volunteering).

 

Of course, following instructions won't necessarily win your ex back, as many breakup cases are circumstantially miles apart. However, it will give you guidance and hope in a dark time, which will make your ex easier to forget if need be.

[lisapoynter]

what kind of first contact did you make? did you initiated them all?