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For those of you struggling, there is hope


ElPhantasmo

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I just want to share a brief version of my story in hopes that it helps some of you out there who may be having a hard time. I won't get into all of the back story, but my long time girlfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me in November. Trust me, whatever any of you think you did wrong in your relationships, i'm sure I have done worse. Other than those that have cheated since I've never done such things. Anyways, I was devestated. I did all of the wrong things.. pleaded, begged, but that was it, it was over. I felt like my life was over.

 

The first week was utter hell. It was like a sinking pit in my stomach that would never go away. Besides a few text messages here and there, there wasn't much contact between the two of us. For that first week I did nothing but sulk in my own self pity. Then I turned to reading, and reading posts on this very forum. Hearing other people explain that I will be ok and that others are making it through the same thing I was facing. After 2 weeks, I found out she was seeing someone else. Which as you can guess, turned my world upside down. I wanted her back so badly. I finally came to terms with it and realized that it would never work out if we tried again due to the man I had become.

 

So I decided to keep my mind busy and focus on me and the man I want to be. The key thing during no contact, is to not just do no contact, but also use that time to better yourself and your life in every possible way. I personally got in shape again, started eating healthy, I joined a church, I joined a program to help mentor kids, I started seeing a counselor to face deeper things from my past that I needed help letting go. 3 months later and I feel like a new person. My outlook is different and I'm happy again, the person I was when her and I first met.

 

And then contact started. To make it short, we decided to get a simple dinner just to catch up on each others lives. And the dinner went fantastic. It was nothing but positivity because I loved myself. Remember, you have to love yourself before you can love another. The night ended with us together, and spent the following day together. We have plans for dinner and some fun activities this week as well. She even made comments like "you have changed so much." And that is because I have. If you want them back, you have to become the person you are supposed to be, the one they fell in love with. Don't fool yourself into thinking you have changed if you aren't physically bettering yourself and making changes. Don't tell them "i promise I have changed" if you haven't. It will only set your future meetings up for failure.

 

I just wanted to drop in here and share my story of a guy who was broken, had no hope, and turned no contact into bettering myself, and finding hope. For those of you struggling, use this time for yourselfs and make the changes you want in your life and good things will follow.

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I find it a little contradictory, we should believe there isn't hope... it stunts growth thinking our loved ones will change their mind and come back. If you go into situations expecting more than what you're probably going to get, you'll come out broken! I think hope is actually really damaging when looking to get back together with someone, you should give up hope as cynical as it sounds. You'll move on a lot faster and I know it's not as easy said than done but if they decide they want to give "the two of you" another shot the dumper should be the one to make first contact. But if you go on not expecting that to happen then you'll feel a lot better a lot faster!

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I agree as well. This is the kind of blind pumped-up optimism they preach in those "how to get your ex back" systems.

 

It's great to focus on self-improvement after a breakup as a way to help you NOT focus on your ex and start to embrace your own life. Throwing yourself into working out and eating healthy is just good for you on every level.

 

But whether or not two people reconcile after a breakup has to do with the dumper, not anything the dumpee says or does. Those "how to get your ex back" systems make lots of money trying to convince people they can *control* how their ex feels and change the outcome of a breakup by *self improvement* and *becoming the person they fell in love with*..... but REAL love -- true lasting love -- has nothing to do with that.

 

I would say the story described above has a chance of reconciliation IF it was the dumper who initiated contact and told the dumpee "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together."

 

Otherwise, if OP is the one who initiated contact and is now working to win over his ex with his *new improved self*, I would say it's most likely not going to succeed as she ended the relationship for a REASON. Even if she's temporarily manipulated into taking him back on that basis, the true reasons for the breakup will surface again sooner or later.

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Yes, she initiated contact. As I stated I came to terms with the thought that things would not work out with her because of who I had become. Very selfish and neglected her. Also I knew things would not work in any future relationships I start without improving myself. I improved for myself not for her. That just so happened to make me the man she fell in love with. I wasn't saying change for the other person. I was saying better yourself for you and your future. You should never give up hope in bettering your lives and your future because good things will follow if you actually act on it and better yourself. If it gets them back then it does. If not, your future relationships have a better chance of success. In my case she reached out and the timing just fit. I don't believe in giving up hope. Hope for a better future worked for me.

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People who follow those "how to get your ex back" schemes generally sound like they're in a cult....

 

You think "self improvement" and "becoming the man she fell in love with" is going to change things longterm? You think people who are married 20, 30, 40 years need to jump through these hoops and superficial 3 month transformations to stay in love? REAL love isn't about appearing "confident" and losing ten pounds at the gym. It's about loving someone FOR REAL -- flaws and all -- through thick and thin, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.

 

What YOU see as negativity might just be a realistic view -- and an optimism about moving on to create a REAL future with someone new who loves you enough NOT to break up to begin with!

 

Someone here had a wonderful quote once, from their grandmother, who said: "If someone wants to leave you.... help them pack."

 

Amen to that!

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I'm a woman and I wouldn't break up with someone I love. What was the reason for breaking up? How are you able to trust her after all the pain she put you through? How do you know that she is truly genuine? The thing is she may not even herself realise if she doesn't love you anymore, she may have felt sad or nostalgic and thought she would try again. But that's not real love.

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So much negativity. Too each their own I guess. I know the situation and how things were recently. I'm wasn't posting for advice on my current situation. I know where I am and where I am going. I wish you all the same.

 

I agree with you, sometime people can be negative here, but I believe the most people just want make sure you are not getting hurt again, good luck and stay positive and clear!

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I'm a woman and I wouldn't break up with someone I love. What was the reason for breaking up? How are you able to trust her after all the pain she put you through? How do you know that she is truly genuine? The thing is she may not even herself realise if she doesn't love you anymore, she may have felt sad or nostalgic and thought she would try again. But that's not real love.

 

well, I am somewhat disagree with your statement, I have been dumper(if you want call that) most times in my life, not because I don't love my exs, but something about my ex, I cannot accepted, look back, if they changed for better, I will get back with them(if I still have romantic feeling ), sadly they are not, therefore I moved on in the end, but I remember when I broke up with them, I still in love with them, but I know if they are not change, I cannot be with them…

 

Also I do believe, relationship is two parties thing, both parties have to want to working on the relationship, otherwise it is not working, just bear in mind “romantic love” is different from “love”, you can love someone, but not romantically love that person…

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It is not negativity, it is being realistic and looking at the alternative possible outcomes

 

Realistic? I am not judge here, really.

 

I am not sure, I have advised my best friend on her BU when she want to get back to her ex, I told her it will not work, he BU with her (not very good situation), but she did not listen to me, they get back -married and have baby boy last year, if she listen by realistic advise, she will never get married and have baby...

end of day, OP have to make decision, I know everyone means well and want help. but when it comes love, you are on your own...

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yes, realistic as looking at the existence of two possible outcomes:

 

successful and lasting reconciliation or,

a short reconciliation until she changes her mind again.

 

I would be speaking differently if OP has been in reconciliation for a long time but it is just starting so he needs to be careful.

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yes, realistic as looking at the existence of two possible outcomes:

 

successful and lasting reconciliation or,

a short reconciliation until she changes her mind again.

 

I would be speaking differently if OP has been in reconciliation for a long time but it is just starting so he needs to be careful.

 

Agree with U!

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Realistic? I am not judge here, really.

 

I am not sure, I have advised my best friend on her BU when she want to get back to her ex, I told her it will not work, he BU with her (not very good situation), but she did not listen to me, they get back -married and have baby boy last year, if she listen by realistic advise, she will never get married and have baby...

end of day, OP have to make decision, I know everyone means well and want help. but when it comes love, you are on your own...

 

Sweetie, just because two people get married and have a baby doesn't mean it was right for them to get back together or that they'll stay together!

 

The story doesn't *end* with marriage.... or with reconciliation, as in the OP's case, especially if HE was the one to instigate it. The odds are much better if the dumper comes to this conclusions themselves. I was a dumper who changed my mind and reconciled with my ex ... and he didn't have to *improve* ONE SINGLE THING about himself to make it happen! And we were happy together for many years.

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