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Is it just me or are married men asking for trouble?


bittersweet871

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Alright so, I don't know what my problem is. I am in no way looking for any type of relationship beyond friendships at this point. I guess you could say I am a naturally playful, but I try to keep it to a minimum when I feel like things are crossing lines. I have a hard enough time with my single male friends, but what I really am concerned about is the married guys I know.

 

So here is my issue.

 

I have already had one married man blatantly hit on me. It got really awkward and I barely speak to him now.

 

So this past weekend a friend and I decided to go on a ride along with the city police department and we had a blast with the cop that drove us around. By the end of the night he asked for our numbers so we could just call him specifically for our next ride along.

 

Now he is texting me, which is fine I guess, but then we started talking about redoes and bull riding and he says "you'd look good doing it that's for sure". He's married with a 1 year old.

 

Would this bother you guys, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong and it's really making me annoyed. Is it me or is there something wrong with these guys?

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It isn't anything to do with you or what you're doing beyond you are there, you are attractive, and you talk to these guys. There will always be cheaters in the world, every time a pretty girl or a good-looking guy is at all nice to them or friendly in any way they will take that as a chance to possibly get more. It's more about how you react once you realize a married or taken man is showing interest in you beyond the norm. For instance I wouldn't have responded to the married cop's texts at all except a text back, "Let me know when the next ride along is coming up," then no response to any of his other texts. Sorry, there's no reason to be friends someone like that and really what reason does he have for just texting you to chat you up? He's got a wife, a child and he's a cop, he should be putting his energies elsewhere.

 

You'll learn to spot the signs pretty fast and you'll learn that the best way to deal with these guys is not to seek friendships with them or anything, but a polite disinterest the moment the red flags are raised. Then if they still try to talk to you or come on to you shut them down and don't have anything to do with them, it's the only way since any sign of friendship to them means there's a chance they can get you into bed. Because serial cheaters are also usually notoriously dumb and clueless about anyone else except their own selfish desires. So yeah, just be polite and keep your distance. Also pointed reminders sometimes help, "By the way, how are your wife and baby doing? I hope you help her out with him, your wife deserves some TLC from you." Things like that sort of put them on notice that yeah, you know they're married and they best be minding their own business and not yours. And then if they continue to pursue you stop being polite altogether and tell them to get lost then go NC.

 

Also keep all convos or interactions to the social cocktail party level--i.e. no confessions or deep talks or letting them complain to you about how hard married life is or how the wife/fiance/girlfriend/guy doesn't understand them or they just need someone to talk to. Or they need a friend or they have some other excuse to talk to you. In short, you'll come up with your own strategies for spotting these losers and shutting them down fast before they ever get started. Draw your own boundaries, don't care what anyone thinks of you, don't worry about hurting their feelings since they obviously aren't worried about hurting another woman or child.

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More generalization from me; but hes a cop.... they are notorious for being cheaters. I know many women who will not date a cop unless he was really someone that didnt set up any flags.. and i mean ANY. But, being married doesnt stop someone from being a dirtbag, that includes any gender or profession. Marriage has quickly drifted away from a religious statement and rule to something just based on government paperwork.

 

Any women do this too... so its not candy roses on the other side. I was in a relationship with a woman that was oops... still married.

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No, it's not just you.. there are LOTS of married people who are bored with the domesticity and familiarity of marriage and are just cruising for stimulation and something on the side if they think they can get away with it, and that you'd be willing.

 

But here are some guidelines that will help: First, you're single and he's not. So it is not appropriate for him to go into the weeds trying to turn you into his 'best buddy' or fling. Most married men who care about their wife's feelings and respect marriage are honorable and won't try to strike up these kinds of friendships with single women. So the fact that he is texting you and trying to engage you at all is a sign that he's up to no good. He's trolling to see if you'll bite and start up a flirtation with him, and possibly a whole lot more. And because he's married, you shouldn't, and you shouldn't take things like that offline into texts etc and the second he starts to get personal with you, you cut him off and don't respond. The world is full of people for you to be friends with, and married men are not appropriate candidates.

 

So him texting you is not fine. And you had your little ride along and enjoyed, but now move on and find something else fun to do. Try rock climbing, or self defense classes or anything else, but do not keep going deeper into situations where you are getting more enmeshed with doing things with married guys. The ride along (once) was fine, but the second they try to take it offline into a social situation or meet ups that is not a group activity with other people, shut them down and either don't respond or give a polite response or two, but then respond less and less, and DEFINITELY not to any text that is flirty or suggestive, and cut him off entirely if it heads in that direction.

 

Remember, cheaters play a numbers game. They know that they will not appeal to a single woman who is honorable and savvy, and that they can't offer a 'normal' dating situation or a real future with you, so they are trolling LOTS of women at the same time just to see if any of them bites, or is naïve (or immoral) enough to engage with them. so it happens most single women because there are lots of married guys trolling for affairs, and you just need to not take it personally, establish good boundaries, and shut them down and cut them off the second they do it.

 

I remember working with one married guy who I *thought* we had a nice friendly normal work relationship, until one day the comments started shifting to things like him saying he was never a butt man until the day he saw my butt in a pair of jeans and other clearly provocative comments. then he started asking if I wanted to go for a drink after work. I knew where he was trying to head, and that was basically the end of our formerly comfortable work relationship. I was polite to him when I encountered him in the hall etc., but if he tried to engage in conversation I would instantly be 'busy' and head off away from him at a determined pace, and if he showed up in my office trying to chat, i'd suddenly 'need' a bathroom break. So I just shut him down in a polite but hard way, as in no longer allowing him access to me and private conversation. You just need to do the same, and not feel the least bit guilty about it because they shouldn't be behaving that way to begin with, and there's nothing in that supposed 'friendship' for you, so shut it down.

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