somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Girls when you have been dating your guy for a while do you expect to be invited on his family vacations? Why or why not? If so how long before you guys have been dating do you expect to be invited? I feel like if they live together then it is assumed that both get invited. I kind of think it is weird if a couple has been together for a while and they are like in their mid twenties and they go on a family vacation and don't include the SO. I don't know I guess I feel like at that stage especially if they live together they are their own family. I read a post on another message board about some girl who has been dating her boyfriend for 3 years and they live together and she wasn't invited on her boyfriend's family vacation and she knows the family really well and she would have completely paid her own way and everything. Link to comment
MsCodeMonkey Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, and I wouldn't necessarily expect to be included in family vacations or be hurt if I wasn't included. I usually invite him along, but sometimes we go on a trip just my mom, my sisters, and I. Now, his parents probably would invite me. They told me at Christmas that I was pretty much a part of the family and now got Christmas gifts which was pretty cool XD I got a blender from them lol. As for how long, I didn't meet his parents until we had been dating several months. I wouldn't expect to be invited on vacations until you really got to know them. I've helped them build a shed, paint fences, cook meals, debug computers, etc. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Yes and no. I am a huge proponent of giving each other space and personal time in a relationship and think that is crucial for the health of a relationship. So that would include family time that is just family and no significant others tagging along. I think it's fine for a family to decide that this trip will be just them or that trip will include SO's. I think the only time where it may change is that you are married with kids. Even then, there may be variations of adults only vacations, etc. Ultimately, I think when you are not married, you shouldn't expect to be treated like a spouse regardless of your living arrangements or how well you think you get along with family. At the end of the day, you are not family. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Living together is not the "just like family"...you are their sons gf. And while you may be living together....they might not really cotton to the idea of the two of you sleeping together in front of the rest of the family. I think your expectations of inclusion are a bit out of line at this stage. You and he can vacation alone. He does not have to go on family vacations with his parents. Intact, at age 23+ (post college) it seems kinda odd. When you are engaged...yes. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Living together is not the "just like family"...you are their sons gf. And while you may be living together....they might not really cotton to the idea of the two of you sleeping together in front of the rest of the family. I think your expectations of inclusion are a bit out of line at this stage. You and he can vacation alone. He does not have to go on family vacations with his parents. Intact, at age 23+ (post college) it seems kinda odd.When you are engaged...yes. Yeah that's kind of what I was thinking which was by that age (23 like you said) you shouldn't be going on vacations with just like your mommy and daddy and that if you are going to spend money on a vacation and take time out to go on a vacation that it would be with your partner because if you are going on family vacations still at the age of 23 when does it stop in your 30s, 40s, how about your 50s you know what I mean? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Well...if mommy and daddy want to take their boy and not you...you can't do much about it. And if he doesn't have the $$ without them... Your original post sounds as though you think its fine...as long as you are invited. My parents could not stand my sisters fiancé. They held Xmas outside the country and invited my sister (of course)...but not him. Do his parents like you? Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Yes and no. I am a huge proponent of giving each other space and personal time in a relationship and think that is crucial for the health of a relationship. So that would include family time that is just family and no significant others tagging along. I think it's fine for a family to decide that this trip will be just them or that trip will include SO's. I think the only time where it may change is that you are married with kids. Even then, there may be variations of adults only vacations, etc. Ultimately, I think when you are not married, you shouldn't expect to be treated like a spouse regardless of your living arrangements or how well you think you get along with family. At the end of the day, you are not family. I agree that people need time away but I would think that by this age and this stage of the game that you would want your SO incorporated in your family if you really want to make the relationship work. I would be kind of hurt if my partner was like, "hey we live together and all just like a family I share my life with you but I still don't consider you family enough to include you in my family time." I mean when I say I am going on a family vacation I also mean my boyfriend when I say family time. I believe that once you reach a certain age that you start creating your own family and in that inclusion that means that you include your partner and involve them in family things. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 You are confusing living together and being engaged. They are no where near the same thing. Does your family invite your bf on vacations? Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Well...if mommy and daddy want to take their boy and not you...you can't do much about it. And if he doesn't have the $$ without them... Your original post sounds as though you think its fine...as long as you are invited. My parents could not stand my sisters fiancé. They held Xmas outside the country and invited my sister (of course)...but not him. Do his parents like you? Well if his boy by his mid twenties give or take doesn't have enough balls to stand up to his parents and say, "look my gf and I live together and we are very serious and she is part of my family so you either invite her or I'm not going" well then that says a lot about the relationship and the level of importance he places on his girl in terms of priorities and being put first. This didn't even happen to me this happened to some other girl I read about on another forum I was just curious as to what you guys thought if you guys thought it was weird or not. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 You are confusing living together and being engaged. They are no where near the same thing. Does your family invite your bf on vacations? This didn't even happen to me I just read about it happening to some other girl on another forum but to answer your question yes my family invites my bf on family vacations and his family likes me a lot. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Each family has its own culture. Not sure I'd be that judgmental about it. I had many friends back in college and some even later into adult years where family vacation is kind of a tradition thing like Thanksgiving or some such. They are not bad people or attached to their parents in an unhealthy way. It's just something they do and unless you are a spouse, you are not considered family and therefore would not be invited. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Well...if mommy and daddy want to take their boy and not you...you can't do much about it. And if he doesn't have the $$ without them... Your original post sounds as though you think its fine...as long as you are invited. My parents could not stand my sisters fiancé. They held Xmas outside the country and invited my sister (of course)...but not him. Do his parents like you? Well no offense but that is pretty immature of your parents to exclude your sister's fiancé. They are ENGAGED and especially since they are going to be married your parents should learn to include him or else they might not see their daughter. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Each family has its own culture. Not sure I'd be that judgmental about it. I had many friends back in college and some even later into adult years where family vacation is kind of a tradition thing like Thanksgiving or some such. They are not bad people or attached to their parents in an unhealthy way. It's just something they do and unless you are a spouse, you are not considered family and therefore would not be invited. I get that but that is where the partner is supposed to stand up and put their partner first and say look they are family to me so you should include them since we are both adults and we are each others family. I think their partners feelings should come first but apparently people don't think that way on here sooo... Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Well no offense but that is pretty immature of your parents to exclude your sister's fiancé. They are ENGAGED and especially since they are going to be married your parents should learn to include him or else they might not see their daughter. The guy was a grade #A a$$ and my sister married him anyway. My immature parents paid for her wedding....and her divorce. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I get that but that is where the partner is supposed to stand up and put their partner first and say look they are family to me so you should include them since we are both adults and we are each others family. I think their partners feelings should come first but apparently people don't think that way on here sooo... You. are thinking about that a relationship is thicker than family ties...and until you are married, it generally is not. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 The guy was a grade #A a$$ and my sister married him anyway. My immature parents paid for her wedding....and her divorce. Woah no need to get your panties in a knot. People get so testy on here sometimes when people state their opinion which I'm not changing BTW. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 You. are thinking about that a relationship is thicker than family ties...and until you are married, it generally is not. So you are saying that even two people in a relationship who are in their twenties and have been living together a while looking to start their own family shouldn't for the most part put each other first. I always thought part of growing up was shifting priorities meaning you find the person you are spending the rest of your life with and creating a life with them in which you put them first. I am not saying in every single case they come first and that you forget about your family but that they naturally take a different role as you get older and start your own life. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Since you never met my parents...calling their behavior immature was unnecessary. I think you might want to prepare yourself to call your bf's parents immature because your sense of entitlement to be included in their family....isn't going to play out the way you think. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Since you never met my parents...calling their behavior immature was unnecessary. I think you might want to prepare yourself to call your bf's parents immature because your sense of entitlement to be included in their family....isn't going to play out the way you think. You're right that was out of line and I apologize but in regards to the other issue this is how I view it So you are saying that even two people in a relationship who are in their twenties and have been living together a while looking to start their own family shouldn't for the most part put each other first. I always thought part of growing up was shifting priorities meaning you find the person you are spending the rest of your life with and creating a life with them in which you put them first. I am not saying in every single case they come first and that you forget about your family but that they naturally take a different role as you get older and start your own life. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 So you are saying that even two people in a relationship who are in their twenties and have been living together a while looking to start their own family shouldn't for the most part put each other first. I always thought part of growing up was shifting priorities meaning you find the person you are spending the rest of your life with and creating a life with them in which you put them first. I am not saying in every single case they come first and that you forget about your family but that they naturally take a different role as you get older and start your own life. When you are engaged...that is planning a life together. Living together is playing house. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 When you are engaged...that is planning a life together. Living together is playing house. Not everyone believes in marriage though. What about people who have been together years and years and years and who aren't engaged or married should they not put them above their parents/siblings just because they don't have a piece of paper. Just to clarify I mean couples who have been together like 10+ years Link to comment
Throwaway999 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Would you even necessarily WANT to go on vacation with the in-laws (or, if you aren't married, your significant other's parents)? I mean, when I've been in relationships, I feel like it is awkward just meeting the parents, much less going on an extended trip with them! Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 That is completely different than a couple in their 20's playing house. In their first cohabitation. Apples and oranges. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Not everyone believes in marriage though. What about people who have been together years and years and years and who aren't engaged or married should they not put them above their parents/siblings just because they don't have a piece of paper. Just to clarify I mean couples who have been together like 10+ years You may feel that way, but majority do not hold that view. A gf is generally seen as not really there whether you like it or not and whether you agree with it or not. Society and the law still sees you as dispensable and disposable and very much without rights. Basically here today and easily kicked out tomorrow. You don't have to like it or agree with it, but at the moment, it is the world you are living in. Link to comment
somuchcooler Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 That is completely different than a couple in their 20's playing house. In their first cohabitation. Apples and oranges. Why is it different though to them it may not be "playing house" where is the line drawn in your mind between where it would be considered "playing house" and an established long term relationship, in their 20s, 30s, 40s? Someone in their twenties especially 21 and above is just as much as an adult as a 40 or 50 something year old so why should it be considered any different for them. When does a partner get put first for a couple who may not believe in marriage after 5, 10, 15, 20 years or never? Link to comment
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