Jump to content

Is it normal to have feelings of hope after a breakup?


Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, I'm sure you know of my story and I know everyone on here thinks it's not possible for my ex-boyfriend to change.

 

I don't think there will be a day where we will get back together and live happily after. It's just too good to be true. But for some reasons, I keep on having hopes that this could pan out differently for the both of us, such as a "happy" ending, in that he will realize his family is overbearing, he loves me, and wants to be with me, and no one's going to stop that.

 

He will start making all the changes, plan for our future, and realize I am the one.

 

I know this is all wishful thinking, but is it normal to have this hope after 1.5 week of the breakup? If so, will it go away soon? How soon? Any past experience?

 

Thanks

Jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If so, will it go away soon? How soon? Any past experience?

 

It all depends on how soon. Some take longer than others. I'm in the category where it probably lingers a little longer than it should.

 

But, I can tell you, it will get less and less over time. Some days will be better than others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

the hope is the last thing to go.

 

This. It'll will come with time. Focus your energy on you at this point. If he's going to change, if he wants to be with you, he will have to see it on his own. Become a better version of you in the meantime.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hope will eventually pass. I held onto hope for 4 months... I still have little pangs of hope that come and go 5 months later, but I remind myself that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and he wasn't the person I thought he was post breakup. The hope then goes away and I continue to focus on myself.

 

When you finally let go of hope, you will move onto bigger and better things! (it is what I tell myself)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hope is the enemy and should be destroyed as soon as possible.

 

It is just a security blanket to keep you from facing reality, healing and moving on with your life. From learning how to make it on your own. It's a denial mechanism.

 

If you rid yourself of hope, focus on yourself and he eventually sees the light, you will be far better off than if you cling to hope for months, putting your life on hold as you wait for his return. You will be a better, more attractive person after 3 months of scenario 1.

 

There is ZERO downside to giving up hope and getting on with things. It is harder but well worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you just can't get rid of hope quickly and it is normal, it is a way your organism trying to defend itself. It is very good that you realise that there is no chance of getting back together, but you need to acknowledge this feeling and not act upon it. It took me around 2 months to get rid of it completely.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As long as you don't feed it, it should go away "soon". Some people take 3 months, others 6, others a year.

Just don't feed it.

 

Would an ex trying to contact you (more than likely as 'just friends') fall under the feed it - category? Should I ask her not to?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is very normal only a couple weeks after a breakup. Denial is a psychological mechanism that is protective... i.e, the truth/reality is so painful/shocking to you, that denial kicks in for a while in order to help your emotions absorb the blow. Denial is a primitive self defense mechanism though, and can be quite strong. It works for a while to prevent the full awareness of what has happened from knocking you on your keister, but it can be counterproductive when it is too strong or goes on too long, or in the face of overriding evidence that reality is far different than you hope it to do.

 

But it is usually the first line of defense when grieving a loss as you move thru the stages, as in denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/depression, acceptance. So that irrational hope is really a form of denial, and it is your brain's defense mechnanism from trying to deal with the total loss all at once.

 

You will cycle thru the stages of loss/grieving, and eventually will be fine. It is still early on, so don't be too hard on yourself and try to be kind to yourself and distract yourself to give yourself time to move thru these stages and heal. I think the only big trouble arises when you get stuck in one stage for months on end, or just cycle endlessly but never really move into the final stage of acceptance. If you're not feeling better or haven't made progress thru the stages and out of denial in a few months you might consider counseling to help get you 'unstuck' and moving towards acceptance

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Would an ex trying to contact you (more than likely as 'just friends') fall under the feed it - category? Should I ask her not to?

 

Hi Lucha, I'm not sure about your situation, but during my healing process, if my ex continues to contact me during this period with no intention of getting back together and just send me crumbs such as "I miss you", "I love you", but not doing anything about it, yes this would definitely set me back and keep hoping for more.

 

In this situation, it would slowly eat away my focus at work, my focus on healing, so I would kindly tell the ex I am not ready to talk right now, and will contact when ready.

 

For my situation, I explicitly told my ex to not contact me after breaking up. He respected my wishes except that he sent me a birthday text apologizing for bothering me, but he wanted to wish me happy birthday anyway. Which I never responded.

 

Since then, I have not heard from him. Today marks two weeks since the breakup. I'm feeling a little bit better. I no longer cry, I do better at work. I am thinking about my future such as buying a condo, and start doing piano.

 

Also note that I blocked him from everything one day after breaking up. I also removed all our pictures on Facebook, pictures that I have of him, *ANYTHING* resembling him in it. I did a clean purge in a way that he never existed in my life at all.

 

It really helps with the breakup. It took me about 2 days to get rid of everything, and mind you I did not keep a single thing between us. Even though I looked really good in most of the pictures we took together, I still purged them.

 

I went a little extreme, but anything right now for me to heal is better than trying to keep some memories that even set me back a little bit. If things do pan out between us, we can always relive those memories and rebuild those memories together. Or I can build new ones with the next one who is not a mama's boy

 

Even though I keep myself busy and all, but looking at my life, it really sucks. I am 31, no marriage, no boyfriend, failed relationship after another. All of my friends are all settled with family and kids. I am pretty much the loser kid in love and relation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, I am 2 months post breakup and having no contact with her FEEDS the little ember of hope burning inside me that one day she will realize she made a mistake and come running back to me. I feel that No contact is doing an equal amount of harm than Contact may do. I feel a little stuck even..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...