Girlfreind and I broke up and its very confusing for me

[gottago]

I am seeking some advice on an adverse situation that is not your normal break up. My relationship may not have been a long one but it was one that got pretty serious too fast. So, in other words we probably moved to fast.

 

Backround on the Relationship

 

I am 22 and she is 27. She also has a 5 year year old daughter. All together it was 4 months that we knew eachother and nearly 3 months of official dating before we broke up. Firstly, it was a once a week thing and she didnt want me to meet her daughter for awhile. Then on our 4 date I met her daughter out of the course of an unexspected event. After that we began to hang out much more and I would stay over her place. Over that time period we began to be official and i stayed there at least 3 nights a week. She was being very serious with me for the beginning. She would do things like send me a photo and say this would be a cute engagement photo for me, you, and my daughter one day. She gave me keys to her apartment on our 1 “monthiverssary”. We talked about things like moving in the future. She told me early on i put more effort into the relationship than any of her past 3 boyfreinds. She was married previously to that. I became very close to her daughter and she had met my whole entire family. I had met hers as well. Came the holidays, we spent 5 days together at times. I would stay there for 5 days. Then go back to 3 or so until the next holiday. For christmas and new years, we spent 5 days straight together. I even baby sat her daughter about 5 times towards the end. I began to feel unappreciated. When i was with her sometimes I would feel as if she became disinterested in me. She sometimes became rude and would treat me less caring. Not once during those time periods did she mention to me she was on edge about her space. Come a wednesday night, we got into a fight. I texted her 2 days later explaining i wasnt happy with the way things were going. As a usual fight in ignited complaints about her and how i felt. She had explaine to me that she was sorry for being rude and taking me for granted and that she was on edge about how much time we were spending together. I insued to understand and still tell her how I felt. We told each other good night through text. That night i freaked. I couldnt take it all. So i made the mistake of calling and texting her that I couldnt take how ive been being treat and my feelings werent ever being considered and that i was moving on. The next 5 days insued with me apolgizing. She told me to take a step back and gather my thoughts and feelings. I just continued to tell her i was wrong and that i was sorry. All she would do back is tell me how if im accepting of the fact she isnt willing to change for me or anybody, how is she suppose to deal with these problems i have with her or how she was suppose to move past it. That she couldnt just because i said so. I asked her to talk to me in person and she said she wasnt ready for that. The next day i texted her saying its either we talk today or we dont or else this is going to continue to get no where and we just should probably move on. She was upset and told me she didnt need to deal with me threatening her and telling her what to do. I responded with ok, what your addres for your keys? We were done. Two days go by I ask her to talk in person because i dont feel like this is what we wanted. She continued to only text me back with this statement of how she wants to be on her own and that she doesnt even know why she trys to have a relationship. That all the fight did was cause her feelings from before of not being in a relationship to be her best option to be true. That she was thankful of my understanding and that she does care about me. That it all freaked her out, that she was sorry and not ready. I said to her that maybe we couldve taken a step back she replied with, yeah maybe i dunno. Left it at that. 3 days later i texted her saying im sorry i didnt mean or want to overhwhelm you or mean or want to push you away. She immediatley texted me back with i know you didnt. She then said i could never ask you to wait around on me but i appreciate the understanding. I tried calling 2 days later and got voicemail. Asked her that i greatly appreciate to meet and talk about this all in person. She texted me back 2 hours later explaining she had been busy and that she has things to do and maybe next week? I waited to the next day to text her back asking her to let me know what day either tues or thurs. Its been 4 days and I havent heard anything again. How could someone let me get so close to their kid and say and do all these things with me and then be so cold when they claim to still care? We spent much time together and talked about so much. Her daughter and I loved one another. Then to just take me out of the picture? What do I do now? Its been hard going from all that we had and talked about, including her daughter, to our aprubt ending that I dont understand. Why bring me so close to your life and say and do this then just be able to drop it. Not healthy for her daughter either.

[mhowe]

Because when you argue to threaten or try to end it.

Continuously.

 

I think you should accept that it is over and learn to take a relationship more slowly.

[gottago]

I took the relationship at the pace that it went because she never once told me that she felt we were moving to fast. Maybe I was blind because I didnt feel that way. The first time I did it i explained to her that I was very confused from what we talked about earlier in the day and that I was sorry for the way I handled it. Then on that wednesday i acted that way only because she was rienforcing me with things she said. I know that I shouldnt of tried to push her for an answer. But it was 5 days and it was only dragging on and getting worse. I got really close to her and her daughter and I feel like there is something there that actually is worth salvaging to us both. I havent texted or called since the no reply 4 days ago to me texting her back to maybe next week? Ive created space.

[mhowe]

Four days isn't space.

 

Four months is space.

 

Let it go ---

1. That night i freaked. I couldnt take it all. So i made the mistake of calling and texting her that I couldnt take how ive been being treat and my feelings werent ever being considered and that i was moving on

2. The next day i texted her saying its either we talk today or we dont or else this is going to continue to get no where and we just should probably move on

[gottago]

There was actually a weeks time in between the two of those events occurring. All I want to say to her now is I know I hurt her feelings and I know how I made her feel. I want to say....I know what I did wrong. I was wrong in arguing and threatning to end things. I know that you needed space during the fight. I know that you were working your feelings out and I pushed and complained. Im sorry that in the middle of it all I instead broke up with you. You and "her daughter" are more important to me than that. I appreciate what you did for me helping me realize that I cant allow my aniexty to control how I act and feel with anything I do. It was your feelings and thoughts that mattered most to me and I got too far ahead of your feelings and what you needed.

[mhowe]

While it is good to know that you realized all of that --- they are words and not actions.

If you have realized all of it, then you must respect her request for space.

 

There are 19 "I"'s in that short paragraph. I don't think this is all about you....only 9 references to her.

And that speaks to YOUR mindset.

[gottago]

I know that it is my mind set. I will respect her space. I feel that if I say something like that she will at least understand that I know what I did wrong and that I'm focused on her feelings, not mine.

[mhowe]

If you respect her space --- then you wait for her to contact you instead of you needing to contact her to alleviate your guilt for your treatment of her.

[gottago]

Wouldn't that also be a good thing though? So she knows that I mutually understand what I did wrong. Maybe we could mutually agree to take some time apart. Rather than her trying to move on without knowing how I feel? That she just only knows what I did and we never talked about things together again? I feel like she'll never contact me again first. She already had insecurity issue's with contacting me first during the day. She was uncomfortable with saying hello first or anything. She always wanted me to start the day off.

[mhowe]

Again, or rather---- still....you are putting your need to contact her an apologize over her request for space.

 

You don't need to "mutally agree" to take time apart. She asked for it, and you said yes.

She doesn't need to "know how you feel". You threatened to "move on" 2x.

 

You are looking for excuses.

 

3 days later i texted her saying im sorry i didnt mean or want to overhwhelm you or mean or want to push you away. She immediatley texted me back with i know you didnt. She then said i could never ask you to wait around on me but i appreciate the understanding. I tried calling 2 days later and got voicemail. Asked her that i greatly appreciate to meet and talk about this all in person. She texted me back 2 hours later explaining she had been busy and that she has things to do and maybe next week?

 

She knows how you feel. She will call when SHE is ready.

[gottago]

I know, you're right and I'll move on. Yet idk how someone could tell their daughter I'm practically her step dad and talk about many things like that. Give me keys to their apartment, talk about marriage, kids, tell me I am apart you were apart of our loves and that I was great to her and her daughter, then just leave. I feel so small and insignificant. I am human and most mistakes. I apologized for the mistakes I made. A lot of people have done worse to someone else. She told me she was happy she found someone who puts in so much effort and accepts her daughter. Just was confusing how someone could just let it all go. That's not healthy for her daughter either.

[mhowe]

Because she believed in you --- until your temper made you tell her on 2 occassions that you were moving on.

 

Learn that words cut....and can kill trust.

 

You are not concerned about her daughter to the degree you are concerned about yourself and your guilt.

Yes, humans make mistakes.

But mature adults to not play games with peoples emotions. Nor threaten to leave.

 

Because others do worse does not excuse your behavior. And having done this 2x, she knows you are capable of doing it again at the first sign of trouble.

 

Live and learn.

[gottago]

I know that she believed in me and that I broke her trust. That's the hardest part. I always swore to her that is never fell apart. She always thought that I was stronger, but I let her down and I'm so sorry for that.