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Is it my age????


spr

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Sorry, my first thread will fill people in.

 

I just can't process or understand what happened! I cannot get a straight answer. It is the most frustrating and consuming struggle to understand what the heck happened. So annoyed. So in need of closure!!!

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I read your earlier post. My thoughts:

 

First, I'm really sorry you're going through this! It sounds incredibly painful. Know that in time it WILL get better.

 

Second, I don't buy his reason for the breakup. Not for one second. I think it's more likely his ex contacted him over the holidays -- or right after -- and he decided to give it another go. Or he met someone else that made him question his feelings for you. Either way.... his reason just sounds like total BS to me.

 

Thirdly... closure will come from YOU, not from him. I understand how frustrating it is to be given an explanation that defies logic. Usually, that means it's a lie. But actual "closure" is something you get when you've finally reached the point of acceptance about the breakup.... and that's a process that happens within yourself, not from anything your ex tells you.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting! And please don't blame yourself -- or your age -- for what happened. This one's on HIM.

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Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting! And please don't blame yourself -- or your age -- for what happened. This one's on HIM.

 

Hi Sharkey and SPR. I'm going through similar struggle after a very recent and very raw breakup. Nothing to do with age (although he decided to get back with an ex who is 10 years his junior, we are only 5 years apart in our 40s). Sharkey, I started reading that breakup recovery guide. Very powerful. Is that yours? Kudos to you if so.

 

And while I likely shouldn't go down this path, after reading some of this guide, I wonder if he will get burned for going back to his ex who said she wanted to reconcile (mainly because she saw him in a new happy relationship a year later - she dumped him). I'm doing all I can to focus on me, and get MY inner strength to move forward. I have so much to give, so much empathy for the world, and respect for myself (on top of this struggle of getting through rejection). If he does reach out to me, I only want to hear from him if and only ifnhe says he's made a big mistake and ready to make a huge apology and work on us (there was nothing wrong with our relationship all all - except his unresolved feelings for this ex, which were a huge surprise to me). I'm not going to "be his friend" while he explores these feelings for his ex. He doesn't get it both ways (or my friendship as a way to ease his guilt for hurting me and throwing away something really good.

 

Again, the guide is helpful. Thank you for sharing in several posts.

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No, I didn't write the guide, it was written by another member here named FlyingPiggy. And I'm so glad you find it helpful!

 

As long as you're protecting yourself with No Contact -- and keeping him blocked online -- then you're headed on the right path.

 

You deserve so much better than someone who would choose anyone else over you!

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Keep posting! And please don't blame yourself -- or your age -- for what happened. This one's on HIM.

 

Yes, and let me add to Sharky's comment to SPR, you did NOTHING wrong! That's part of my empowerment as well. I know I was 100% authentic me when I was with him. And thanks to him, made me realize who I am and how to be happy. What I struggle with at this time is why he would give that all away and knowing I did nothing wrong.Now, sadly I'm the one who suffers now that happiness being taken away. (I am doing my best to believe I will find it again - I just want this "time" to move faster).

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Hi Sharky -

 

Many thanks for your time and advice. It is wholly appreciated

 

I have never questioned his reason for breaking up with me and instantly deciding he couldn't do the LDR thing anymore. He quotes that it is "too hard and won't work" because he wants to "settle down" and can't do that when I live "up there". These are strong points that I fully understand although some things he says compared to other things he also says…or rather he doesn't say, when for example I *sigh* BARGAIN with him by wishing him well and hope he "meets someone truly wonderful in every way ever possible", he just doesn't respond to those sorts of messages - which I send partly because I do mean it, but mostly because I want to get a rise, or a "I don't want anybody else" kind of response from him, which sort of intertwines with what I highlighted in your reply Sharky - I'm bargaining and pleading with him because his reason doesn't make sense, and you're right, this usually means it is a lie.

 

I don't like that thought. It makes me feel dirty and stupid

 

 

 

 

Thank you. You reiterate what I tell myself all the time, but then it is one thing to think and another to do sometimes - but the Breakup Recovery Guide you sent me unlocked a bit of confidence and courage to move forward, even it is slowly. I have decided to read her articles in stages mirroring the stages I am currently progressing through, and at the moment it is the Initiating No Contact stage…even it is almost a month later! Everything ever written in that part of the article and the brief bits she touched on beforehand speak loud and clear with me. I put my hand up as a beggar and pleader. I do love the idea of posting on ENA instead of texting him and this would help immensely! I know I am a "have to have the last word" kind of person (the Leo in me I say). Are there any threads as such already initiated? My biggest problem in this situation is I am a huge mothering type of person, and at the moment I cannot not ask him if he is okay, if he is getting through the day, etc etc.

 

You have been most helpful Sharky. Sometimes I feel like family and friends cannot offer the right things to say at times even though you appreciate their concern for you and love. I really am grateful for this forum. I can feel muscles of mental strength building in me right now and that's because of you, truly. Thank you, and I will keep posting and keep you, and you @PearlHarbor updated

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Pearl,

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I know what it is like to hurt and I don't wish it for anyone. It is so horrible when people have unresolved issues with an ex and when they go back to that ex after being with you the amount of mental burden and questions that are asked to yourself. I hope I can support you and say that at least you are keenly aware of this unfairness, and that you won't put any future partners in the same predicament because this is what you can offer to the world…one less romantically unselfish human being! It is so very dumbfounding how a loving partner can love their other and the other not see this for what it's worth. I want you to work through this

 

 

 

I'm beginning to wholeheartedly accept this. I guess it's what they mean when they say "it's not you, it's me" hey? Ahhhh. I take pleasure in knowing that when I get past all of this it will be an armour and I will see the red lights long before they start flashing before me.

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Hi Sharky -

 

Many thanks for your time and advice. It is wholly appreciated

 

I have never questioned his reason for breaking up with me and instantly deciding he couldn't do the LDR thing anymore. He quotes that it is "too hard and won't work" because he wants to "settle down" and can't do that when I live "up there". These are strong points that I fully understand although some things he says compared to other things he also says…or rather he doesn't say, when for example I *sigh* BARGAIN with him by wishing him well and hope he "meets someone truly wonderful in every way ever possible", he just doesn't respond to those sorts of messages - which I send partly because I do mean it, but mostly because I want to get a rise, or a "I don't want anybody else" kind of response from him, which sort of intertwines with what I highlighted in your reply Sharky - I'm bargaining and pleading with him because his reason doesn't make sense, and you're right, this usually means it is a lie.

 

I don't like that thought. It makes me feel dirty and stupid

 

 

 

 

Thank you. You reiterate what I tell myself all the time, but then it is one thing to think and another to do sometimes - but the Breakup Recovery Guide you sent me unlocked a bit of confidence and courage to move forward, even it is slowly. I have decided to read her articles in stages mirroring the stages I am currently progressing through, and at the moment it is the Initiating No Contact stage…even it is almost a month later! Everything ever written in that part of the article and the brief bits she touched on beforehand speak loud and clear with me. I put my hand up as a beggar and pleader. I do love the idea of posting on ENA instead of texting him and this would help immensely! I know I am a "have to have the last word" kind of person (the Leo in me I say). Are there any threads as such already initiated? My biggest problem in this situation is I am a huge mothering type of person, and at the moment I cannot not ask him if he is okay, if he is getting through the day, etc etc.

 

**Edit** I found the No Contact Challenge thread shortly after I posted this. Strangely the post went to be approved by moderators or something. Thank you anyways.

 

You have been most helpful Sharky. Sometimes I feel like family and friends cannot offer the right things to say at times even though you appreciate their concern for you and love. I really am grateful for this forum. I can feel muscles of mental strength building in me right now and that's because of you, truly. Thank you, and I will keep posting and keep you, and you @PearlHarbor updated

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Pearl,

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I know what it is like to hurt and I don't wish it for anyone. It is so horrible when people have unresolved issues with an ex and when they go back to that ex after being with you the amount of mental burden and questions that are asked to yourself. I hope I can support you and say that at least you are keenly aware of this unfairness, and that you won't put any future partners in the same predicament because this is what you can offer to the world…one less romantically unselfish human being! It is so very dumbfounding how a loving partner can love their other and the other not see this for what it's worth. I want you to work through this.

 

 

 

I'm beginning to wholeheartedly accept this. I guess it's what they mean when they say "it's not you, it's me" hey? Ahhhh. I take pleasure in knowing that when I get past all of this it will be an armour and I will see the red lights long before they start flashing before me.

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I'm so glad to hear you're finding the guide helpful!

 

And I hear you on the whole "Bargaining" thing. I think that's one of the gifts of No Contact, is that it stops that kind of communication from happening. Whatever the reason for his sudden turnaround, he really doesn't deserve to have you still in his life, wishing him the best, or trying to keep up any kind of connection.

 

Please continue to fight against that part of yourself that feels *dirty and stupid* -- it's SO not true. When you're out there dating and having relationships and falling in love, it's the price of admission that sometimes it doesn't work out, sometimes we're deceived or play the fool, sometimes WE have to be the one to break someone else's heart.... and so it goes. :subdued:

 

As you've discovered, there's a 30 Day Challenge, and there's also a thread called "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" that you might find helpful, too.

 

Please keep posting so we can support you through this!

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I read your other thread, and don't believe it is your age that is the reason for the break up. Surely there were good qualities that drew you to him, but look at the red flags as well. Red flags are important, but the biggest red flag to remember is his choice to break up. In fact, it is a red door, and that door is shut. After reading your post "Hard to do" ( ) I wonder about him being a victim of circumstances. For all of us, our lives are influenced by the decisions and actions of other people, but sounds like he blames others and doesn't take responsibility for his life circumstances and past choices. He blames the guy who "wronged him" for the loss of his business, and his choice to move to a different city? He blames his own "primal urge" to do harm for his level of anger? He was part of a "toxic social scene" because he had no emotional support from his girlfriend? AND he's 38? At 38, I would hope he would have a bit more self-awareness and self-responsibiiity than this. I imagine he is also charming and can be loving and sweet, but I caution you not to make excuses for him. I speak from experience, and decades of "making excuses" for my then-husband, those excuses were understandable considering the circumstances, but in retrospect I better understand how he chose those circumstances, and when they no longer existed he found or created new ones so he could choose similarly. Yesterday I heard a good quote: "Date the person, not the potential." It's a good way to keep your feet on the ground and tuned in to what you want now. It doesn't hurt to recognize what you value in a good relationship (those qualities you miss most now) and what characteristics you do not want in a partner (those painful things from this you'll remember over time). In doing so, you'll move forward with the gifts you've gained from this experience, and greater self-knowledge and self-determination. Heart breaks are hard, be gentle with yourself, and know you will heal from it.

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