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To tell or not to tell


romantic87

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I really need advice or courage to do something I've had drilled into my head not to do when it comes to men.

 

The story...

 

I've recently reconnected with an old ex, we met in High School and dated for about a year. He was my first love and first intimacy. Things did not end well between us ultimately.....fast forward to current time. We are both 26, its been about 8 years since we've seen each other. I have had bad relationships in the past, serious and casual. I've initiated a casual arrangement with him or what one would perhaps call (Fw/B) I do this because I'm a busy lady, I don't really have time to be in a relationship and I live on the outskirts, so I really cant be driving myself to the poor house by traveling to see a boyfriend all the time, they would have to come up to me (an hr away) Living in the city, he does all public transport and has no vehicle...(this is all really irrelevant to my main question) So, we've been seeing each other since December 2013 and are at least getting together once every week or two. Given our past, I feel the territory may have slight differences then a standard Fw/B, but I'm not going to deny the fact that it still obviously tends to lean more towards the booty call side given how much we see each other and what we do with that time which is I go to his place, he makes me dinner or takes me out and I always sleep over. This person has always made me feel welcome, admitted that he wants to have a good time, he wants me to have a good time, make sure I'm happy and enjoying his company..all good, he's a complete gentleman, attentive, sweet, I get along with his roommates, I feel comfortable, he's comfortable...all good things. This weekend I saw him and I slightly fished for answers to things that perhaps now I didn't want to know. I wanted to know if he had other women while being involved with me and approached it more or less in a way that I was just making sure I was safe and he was safe. It was vague, but he said he had been with someone at some point in our 'relationship'..now before people start railing me about "this is a booty call, this is what you get" I understand, I have no place or right to be upset..I don't want to imply that I thought I was a special case, but I thought I was different and I don't know if this woman was in the beginning or if it was last week, I didn't push beyond that, because its not my place and I didn't want him to think he upset me, but he told me something..when he entertains he wants everybody to have a good time and he is 100% committed to that person during their time and again I'm thinking well great..here I am believing you to be just wonderful and amazing with me when that's your game for all. I feel slightly embarrassed now in front of his roommates because ultimately I'm just another girl...Here is the dilemma...Trying to be cool as a cucumber, I've been drilling into his head that I'm not available for a relationship, just because in a sense I'm not, but also I was afraid to admit that I wanted one (its been a year and half since I had a serious one)..I just wanted to have him again after all this time and I wanted him to think I was completely down with the situation which I was initially, because I've been lead to believe this is what men want and they think its cool that a girl will be up for it and not get emotional, but the more I see him, as the cliche goes, the more I want him to myself..I recently read a forum about a woman in a long-term casual relationship who withheld her feelings and eventually another woman who was also a casual relationship with him got the courage to tell him how she felt and he went with her. Now because I've been portraying myself a certain way to him, I can't know for sure if he's just reacting to my portrayed emotional availability. When I seek the truth in myself I know 2 things...I don't like being second fiddle and I really like him...and I don't feel like these are emotions from the past..we didn't see each other for years..so I can say as an adult, interacting with him, I like him again, we have good chemistry. Should I tell him how I feel? Its hard to get past the fear of losing what I have with him now, but what outcome is worse..telling him how I feel? He may not feel the same, but he will be a gentleman about it or continuing until he finds someone else or that someone else snatches him first, leaving me probably more upset than the former. Because ultimately I don't regret getting to have this time with him again, not every encounter turns into some great love, but I've never had that anyway and I feel if I just continue and say nothing I will get more and more insecure and needy and awful and I've vowed never to be that person again, its humiliating. What do I do?

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Make decisions from strength, not fear. Avoiding things you don't want to hear is only playing dice and putting off the inevitable. If you know what you want, then not dealing with it may hurt you more in the future than it will now.

 

In short, if you're happy with status quo (you're not) then leave it as is. If you're not then deal with it and take the risk of losing it all.

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