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I want to leave the 2 year relationship I'm in for "the one that got away"


UhNotherGuy

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I have been really confused and depressed for the past few months over a decision that I'm considering. I'm not sure that I want to stay in the current relationship that I'm in. This story sort of extends all the way back to high school (I'm now 29 years old). I'm REALLY in need of advice, so please bear with me. I will try to explain the most I can, as briefly as possible.

 

The genesis of this feeling of desperation I have started back in 2003. I sincerely believe in love at first sight. I know it sounds extremely corny. Back in high school, senior year, I met the most beautiful girl in the world. I mean, when I saw her, all of that corny stuff you see in the movies happened. I heard music, I saw everything in slow-mo. Oddly enough (because I have always had a crippling shyness), we became friends. We would talk and joke and I loved who she was. Again, I was so very shy, but she in fact liked me as well. In high school I was in a relationship, so I respected that and didn't make a move.

 

After graduation, me and this girl that I am insane over continued to talk. Since I was no longer in a relationship after graduation, I wanted to make a move on her. The problem THEN was that she moved to a different state. She had even begun to date someone. This guy made her quit her friendship with me. Eventually she married this guy, and they had three children together (they are now divorced, but we will revisit that shortly). I figured that was that, so I moved on with my life. I never ever stopped thinking about her, but I respected her decision. I remember the day she told me she couldn't speak to me again. She was crushed, and so was I.

 

About 2 years ago I met a woman who is a great person. We began dating and got along right away. We were on the good track to getting to know each other under normal circumstances. However, about 3 weeks of knowing each other and going on dates, we were almost killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. I took the worse end of the accident, but either way, we were both hurt bad. I'm talking about "we got metal implants in our bodies" bad. I had to learn to walk again, and she had to heal some time too. So we did bond, but in a different way. We bonded in the way you would with someone you almost lost your life with. Sometimes I feel that we were sort of forced to bond instead of doing it normally like people tend to do. Of course, our relationship SEEMED well, because after almost dying, you are so happy to be alive that you want to do everything. You talk about marriage and living life to the fullest.

 

My problem is that now after the whole euphoria of being glad to be alive is wearing off (partially because of residual damage of the accident has made my life a living painful hell, can't hold down a job because of it, etc) I'm finding that I love the person I'm with, but I'm not IN love. I don't feel a sexual attraction (or desire for sex in general- she's attractive, but after the accident I am often angry and never feel desire for sexual relations), and as you can imagine, with some of the residual injuries from the damage of the accident, sexual relations are difficult. We have a virtually non existent sex life. We DO get along, and laugh, but it feels more like a platonic strong bond, rather than an "in" love relationship. We share many hobbies and such, but I just feel like I want out.

 

My reasons are that I know she wants marriage and kids, but I don't want those things anymore (I have other reasons pertaining to the first girl I mentioned from high school, but I'll get back to that shortly). The woman I'm currently with, I WANT her to have kids and marriage. I want her happiness, but I know that if she stays with me, she will eventually resent me for my injuries and anger. She's being strong NOW, but for as brilliant as she is, sometimes she is very naive about serious relationships. She's had little experience, and I have pretty extensive experience with serious relationships. She doesn't have a concept or knowledge that eventually the whole "honeymoon phase" feeling fades. I don't want to hurt her, but I just can't give her what she wants.

 

My second reason is that I don't really feel that we would have gotten serious unless that accident had happened. We may have briefly dated but I think that we are two completely different people and eventually we would have seen that we didn't mesh together. Again, the accident acted as a forceful bonding experience.

 

The third reason pertains to the girl that I was friends with many years ago that I mentioned at the beginning of the post. I never stopped missing her, I never stopped loving her. Throughout the years, I would find her on social media just to see how she was doing and to see pictures of her because I missed her. I remained friends with her cousin throughout the years and her cousin would give me updates. This past summer, I went to check on the girl I never stopped thinking about and I see that she is now divorced. I have wanted to talk with her so bad. I always told myself throughout her years of marriage that I'd never feel complete unless I took my chance with her. She's now divorced and I know that I'm emotionally cheating. However, I feel like this is a now or never scenario. She is still as beautiful as the first day I met her. We always had that spark, I know we did, but life got in both of our ways. This girl represents the fact that I never took a shot at anything I ever wanted in life. The fact is, you love who you love and I've never been able to stop thinking about her for 10 years now.

 

I'm so confused and even feel more unhappy now than I did after my life when down the toilet after the crash. I need any advice I can get because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. Please do not judge me. I am a human being and I make mistakes just like anyone else and I have human emotions just like anyone else. I need advice.

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I've never experienced something like you are but here's my two cents...

 

I think you should be honest with your current partner. About everything. Sit down with her and put the cards on the table. You don't look like a bad guy and neither she. Sometimes things just don't work out you know? Just explain things to her. She'll understand. If not now, someday. I know it's not really an advice, but that's what I think you should do

 

Be well and be safe my friend.

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From reading this I get the impression that you may be projecting many unhappy elements of your own life onto your current girlfriend which is understandable. She represents what happened to you in the past, and something that is causing a ton of struggles in your life right now.

 

The person you desire... is someone from your past, someone you've always thought about, etc. However, things with her are uncertain. It's been a very long time since you've interacted with her. For all you know, she's a totally different person and someone you wouldn't get along with as well. She has 3 children and is now divorced. That means her life is far different from when she was in high school. You may not be able to relate.

 

From reading this, I get the impression that you need to work on YOURSELF before being with anyone, your current girlfriend included. It sounds like because of the injuries both of your lives are limited and the anger is likely going to be something you deal with in a different relationship. Perhaps seeking therapy and trying to figure out some options in your life will be helpful. I just feel you might be setting your expectations far too high for this woman from your past and may be projecting negative feelings about your life onto your girlfriend.

 

It just sounds like you don't really know what you want and maybe even have a fear of being alone, since in my mind, you should just break up with your girlfriend since you are unwilling to give her the happiness she wants and are unhappy and feel this is incompatible anyway. Take some time to work on yourself, figure out your employment situation and strike up a friendship with the girl from your past.

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Do you love your current girlfriend?

 

I do love her. I feel that we have a bond of the soul that you cannot forge through a normal relationship, only through almost losing your life next to a person. But in terms of being IN love, I don't think I love her THAT way. Like if I knew that she was with another man that makes her happy and treats her well, I wouldn't be upset. I would be happy knowing that she is happy.

 

I've never experienced something like you are but here's my two cents...

 

I think you should be honest with your current partner. About everything. Sit down with her and put the cards on the table. You don't look like a bad guy and neither she. Sometimes things just don't work out you know? Just explain things to her. She'll understand. If not now, someday. I know it's not really an advice, but that's what I think you should do

 

Be well and be safe my friend.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I do tell her often that she would be best with someone more positive that can offer her more out of life. I tell her that I'm not getting better physically, but like I mentioned, she's a little naive sometimes. She's so blinded by what she perceives is the "perfect guy" that she is ignoring the fact that we bonded through almost dying together, not dating and getting to know each other like normal people. She is person who literally handles problems by pretending that they don't exist so when I say these things and try to have honest conversations, she cries, and then an hour later pretends that I didn't say anything. She doesn't offer valid responses to anything I say. She even ignores my wishes- for example, some days are so painful for me that I stay in bed all day suffering. I beg her to please not visit me because I want to be alone in pain and sleep so that I don't have to feel anything, and she ignores the fact that I just begged her to please let me rest, and comes over anyway, forcing me to get up and have to entertain company. She is close with her parents and they have taught her that if she can't SEE something happening or that if it isn't happening to her specifically that it isn't a problem. Like I said, she is a wonderful person, but very naive sometimes.

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Thank you for your kind words and concern. I sat here and read your response with tears in my eyes because you are correct in the sense that I do need to work on myself. I always have. I have a thousand angers inside of me and I like to at least give myself credit for being man enough to recognize it.

 

I wanted to address one part where you said that I am unwilling to give her the happiness she wants. I want her to be happy, it's just that I feel more "incapable" than "unwilling" to provide her happiness. In the accident, I nearly gave my life to save hers. I would do it 1,000 more times if I could. But when it comes to a marriage, I don't want to be 20 pound weight strapped to her ankle instead of a partner, if that makes sense. I feel like I would be trapping her or hindering her right to fly as high as she chooses. She's very bright and hard working, and since the accident I'm just angry and in pain all the time. It's not her fault, she shouldn't have to put up with my bitterness.

 

I feel that it's selfless of me, but I'm sure she wouldn't see it that way.

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To me this is so painfully obvious.

 

You don't even want to have sex with your current girlfriend, much less marry her or have kids with her. You pine for this other woman for 10 years. Do you think you are doing your current girlfriend a favor by sticking around in a loveless situation?

 

Follow your heart and your dreams and pursue the woman you met earlier in your life. Now is your chance! The universe doesn't send you dozens of chances like this. When it is love at first sight, and two people love simply talking to one another and can't forget about each other, often it is simply "meant to be". I would prefer that you first break up with your current girlfriend because you should do that in any case.

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like wilyone11 said : "I would prefer that you first break up with your current girlfriend because you should do that in any case." I agree with this. You need to put your cards out on the table with your current gf and give her the respect she deserves.

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I'm happy to hear that you know the importance of working on yourself first. You could not possibly be a great partner for anyone until that happens first. I think you are going in the right direction by at least being aware of these issues.

 

I understand what you mean about being incapable. I think you will need to find the strength to break it off with her since it sounds like you are unhappy and that she may be with you for the wrong reasons as well. Breaking up is hard for anyone. You are viewing this as logical and rational since you are the potential dumper who is putting some hard thought into this. Your current girlfriend will be very upset, and justifiably so, even if it's the right call. She may not be able to see it that way, but that shouldn't stop you from ending things.

 

In regards to the new woman, I'm going against the majority here (hopefully others will chime in too) about pursuing this woman. I think speaking to her and opening up a lines of communication is great but this woman will not fix your anger and bitterness. Maybe it will temporarily help, but the only thing that will fix that is you, and you don't want to carry that anger and bitterness into future relationships. You just don't want to spoil what could have been with the new woman by not working on yourself or at least having a plan of action.

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I think that this other woman is a fantasy, she isn't the real deal like your gf is. A lot of people have these grand fantasies about people they haven't seen or spoken to in 10 years and I think it is rather silly at best, and reckless/delusional at worst. I agree with more that you have a lot of issues to sort out in your own life first. You mentioned that you and your gf were "forced" to bond over the accident, but that is life- I mean, you can't imagine how things were supposed to be if it didn't happen, because it did happen!

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No matter what you should break up with your current gf asap so she can heal and find someone who is in love with her. I see no point in continuing this relationship at all.

 

Next I to would advise you to go to therapy and work through this anger. Even if the other girl was interested in you still the anger could ruin it.

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Sounds to me like you have a romanticized view of this girl from high school. People can change a lot in 10 years, so keep in mind that she will be very different from your memories or fantasies. If you want to pursue her, just remember that she's human too and not some perfect dream girl. That being said, if you're not into your relationship 100%, I don't see any reason for continuing it regardless of another person.

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To me this is so painfully obvious.

 

You don't even want to have sex with your current girlfriend, much less marry her or have kids with her. You pine for this other woman for 10 years. Do you think you are doing your current girlfriend a favor by sticking around in a loveless situation?

 

Follow your heart and your dreams and pursue the woman you met earlier in your life. Now is your chance! The universe doesn't send you dozens of chances like this. When it is love at first sight, and two people love simply talking to one another and can't forget about each other, often it is simply "meant to be". I would prefer that you first break up with your current girlfriend because you should do that in any case.

 

Thank you for your honesty! Your message is inspirational for me to realize that I too have desires in my life that should matter to me. And you're correct; I know breaking up first would be in order. I'd die before I dishonor or disrespect ANYONE I'm with that way.

 

like wilyone11 said : "I would prefer that you first break up with your current girlfriend because you should do that in any case." I agree with this. You need to put your cards out on the table with your current gf and give her the respect she deserves.

 

I agree with you. It's never a good idea to "do" then "sort out". Thank you for your honesty.

 

I think that this other woman is a fantasy, she isn't the real deal like your gf is. A lot of people have these grand fantasies about people they haven't seen or spoken to in 10 years and I think it is rather silly at best, and reckless/delusional at worst. I agree with more that you have a lot of issues to sort out in your own life first. You mentioned that you and your gf were "forced" to bond over the accident, but that is life- I mean, you can't imagine how things were supposed to be if it didn't happen, because it did happen!

 

You are very correct and honest in many respects! I have wrestled with myself over the very points you mentioned about this person being a "figment" or a "fantasy". Like I mentioned, I'm friends with her cousin who has been a friend to both of us throughout the years and I guess that this is why I still feel that there is a magic there. Our friend (her cousin) tells me that she asks about me sometimes and that she hasn't forgotten me. In that sense, I don't feel that I'm a silly guy or even delusional. In fact, usually I'm a realist which often makes people see me as a pessimist or a negative guy. I guess what I'm trying to say Annie, is that "win, lose, or draw" I want to be able to say "Yes, she's all I ever wanted and I won her through years of never forgetting her and suffering over her" or "Wow, she DID change or is a different person now, incompatible with me but at least that definitive answer is there." I admit that sometimes I am a guy who doesn't know what he wants out of life (let's face it, most of us guys don't- it's the way we are wired sometimes) but I feel like I'd be happy being alone and not dragging anyone down, than never knowing if this woman was meant for me or not or finding out why I never stopped missing her.

 

*a quick little side story- I made the mistake of confiding this to someone who I believed was a close person in my life, and they ended up calling me bad names, and a weird person when in fact I'm just a human being with a problem. I find it funny that I'm safer confiding this to anonymous strangers than trusted acquaintances lol Thanks for your honest response and for not beating me up too bad over this.

 

No matter what you should break up with your current gf asap so she can heal and find someone who is in love with her. I see no point in continuing this relationship at all.

 

Next I to would advise you to go to therapy and work through this anger. Even if the other girl was interested in you still the anger could ruin it.

 

I agree with you 100%. Help is something I want because I'm often angry due to the accident and it's outcome. I have no kind of help or insurance or anything, but it's the first thing I want to do, hopefully when I can land steady work with some decent insurance, hopefully. (that's half of where the anger stems from- the driver who almost killed me had no identity, insurance, or license and registration, plus he died. The state couldn't hold anyone responsible and I got no help or compensation to help with ANYthing- My state denied me help)

 

Sounds to me like you have a romanticized view of this girl from high school. People can change a lot in 10 years, so keep in mind that she will be very different from your memories or fantasies. If you want to pursue her, just remember that she's human too and not some perfect dream girl. That being said, if you're not into your relationship 100%, I don't see any reason for continuing it regardless of another person.

 

You are honest in all of your points. Thank you for that honesty. I am aware that it might not be the same situation. I feel like this is going to be one of those "things I always regretted not finding out" situations. I don't want to be in a rocking chair (lol) wondering why I was so afraid to "find out" my whole life.

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What the heck dude. Spend time figuring out how to repair your current relationship instead of idealizing some high school crush. I predict even if you do somehow land being with her you'll soon realize it was a big mistake. I mean, are your even prepared to take care of three children who are NOT your own while getting to know her after the most intense years of matriculation people go through during and after high school? She will most likely NOT be who you remembered and neither will you to her.

 

I'm trying to slap some logic into you. You're all pumped up and reinforcing all the positives about her without any dose of reality. She asked about you. So what? She was forced to stop talking to you and you both were literally crushed? It sounds like your building up a sappy love story about reuniting with your one true love after insurmountable difficulties separated the two of you.

 

Dude she married someone else. She even had three kids. I don't think I'd do that if I still was pining after some lost romeo from high school.

 

Your current partner deserves someone with their feet on the ground who understands and is realistic about what it means to be in a relationship: commitment, personal growth, love, and being there for each other through hard times instead of looking out the window. The other side of the fence may look greener but watering and taking care of your own does just as well.

 

Love and not IN love is simply a way of saying I'm bored with them. Figure out how to make YOURSELF happy before you expect someone else to make you happy. You do not value her contributions to your relationship if you're unhappy and taking her for granted. Unless she has serious issues of her own that are affecting your quality of life, she seems okay in my book. Moreover pure ecstasy will NEVER sustain any relationship, eventually that fades and what will you be left with? Three kids, a less than stellar partner, and her ex who will always be part of your life due to the children.

 

People don't really wonder "If I had just passed that SAT course I would have gotten into Harvard and now be a world class astrophysicists with a Noble prize" or "If my mom simply let me study abroad and now I would know how to speak French fluently and become the US ambassador to Europe." The fact you're framing it as, "if I only could reunite with this one chick from high school and my life would be complete" screams fantasy. Then what for the next 60 years? I'm sure you can get through any and everything, even a car accident, if you just remember how awesome she was in high school, right? Even when she's taking a crapper in the bathroom or yelling at you during an argument.

 

Sorry if I come off condensing or angry. I simply don't think you're thinking it through logically and basing everything off some gut notion reinforced by romantic movies. That's not how real life works.

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I'm in agreement with snappy. You're projecting your general unhappiness and malaise with life into a fantasy existence of recouping your younger self at a happier time. This other woman represents a 'buoy' for you, something to rescue you from your drowning. But, in reality, I'm sorry to say that's not a role she's probably willing to play. Nor is it one you should allow anyone to play, including your current girlfriend, other than yourself.

 

According to your own posts, you're depressed, somewhat handicapped, uninsured, unemployed, bitter, and have a need to stay in bed all day for physiological/psychological/or both reasons on a recurring basis. You express these as reasons (rightfully) why you cannot provide your current girlfriend with the lifestyle that she has stated she wants. Can you honestly imagine that a divorced, middle-aged woman with THREE children to raise would view you as a romantic partner prospect?

 

I'm not saying all of this to make you feel worse about yourself. I'm really not. Yes, life has been unfair, but you essentially seem to be giving up and wallowing in a fantasy life. You appear to be a genuinely caring, good person and my best advice to you is to wake up and start doing the work necessary for you to find happiness as the person you are now, not someone you used to be.

 

As for your current girlfriend, I'm not convinced your feelings about her aren't being unfairly influenced by the negative mentality you are stuck in right now. Perhaps once you get yourself to a healthier place your feelings for her will become more clarified for you. In any event, I do think it's time you had a discussion with her and tell her you need to let her go to pursue her own happiness because right now you aren't at a point in your life where you can provide that to her. There's no need to mention this other woman. She's not relevant.

 

And lastly, as for that other woman, it's probably best you simply admire from a distance and keep the positive memories you have now until/if you get to a happier/healthier/more independent point in your life. Until then you'll likely only be wasting the one shot you MAY have at moving beyond a friendship with her.

 

Best of luck to you. Sincerely.

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I agree with Annie and being awesome. This high school friend of yours could just be that. An old friend. You have the be very careful that you are not projecting your emotions as hers.

 

It definitely sounds you are not commited to your current relationship. So that should end and you should do it in person and stand your ground. Break-ups are never easy, but it's always better to treat the other person with respect.

 

Next, I would recommend at least 1 year of not pursuing any relationship or contact with your crush. Focus that time on your own needs and recovery. I say recovery not just from the anger and physical pain from the accident, but from losing your current relationship as well. Because you will feel that lost at not hearing from her or seeing her. And you will need time to deal with it.

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