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Dealing with nostalgia months later


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Meh, I can't believe I'm feeling nostalgic about my ex (broke up 9 months ago)! This actually started right before the holidays, which I figured was normal with the holidays and all that. Then for a few weeks it stopped, and then reappeared last week. Last weekend, I had an important fundraiser for an organization that my ex and I started. He quit this past November so I knew he wouldn't be there. But many of HIS friends were there to support the organization. Many of these people I had not seen since we were together. They all spoke very kindly of me, even one of them asked me exactly what happened. For the first time in a long time, I talked about what happened, and I wasn't angry. I didn't even fill him in on the gory details and felt no need to speak ill of my ex. Just said the fact that he cheated on me, I found out, it ended badly and now we aren't talking and how it's for the best... For the record, that was the one time I talked about my ex during the event and it was only to that one person. He was never mentioned to anyone else there and his friends just asked me about my life, my impending move half way accross the world and so on.

 

I'm also leaving to move to Australia in about 4 weeks... my lease in my apartment ends in about 2 weeks and soon I'll be off to my hometown, many states away to be with my family before I leave, and that will be it... I may never see my ex again. All those past hopes from months ago of bumping into him or him one day reaching out to get some coffee are over. Wont even get a text or a call from him. None of this makes me sad, it's just been making me think about a lot of things, revisiting the past. Almost forgetting the fact about how abusive he was, how much he lied to me, all the cheating and focusing on the great times and how compatible we were. Even contemplating that hey maybe in a few years we could be friends again! It's a very frustrating feeling. I'm hoping it's just a result of me moving away soon to a place where I don't know anyone and letting go of someone who was one of the most important people in my life at one point.

 

I even unblocked him temporarily and noticed he untagged himself in our pictures but still kept them up, even our profile picture together. I really do think I'm over him too. He has updates and pictures of him with his new girlfriend saying how amazing she is and people commenting on how happy he looks and how they are glad how he's finally found happiness (not the one he cheated on me with) and none of it made me upset. I can't picture a future where we are romantically together... I've just been oddly missing him and wishing we could somehow actually be friends one day. It doesn't help that I've also become close friends with an ex from 4 years ago who I used to very much dislike although he never cheated or was abusive. It just ended badly and we cut each other off for years but now we talk almost everyday. So it's been making me think, hey anything can happen. But somehow I feel ashamed of myself for even feeling this way about someone who treated me so poorly when we broke up and who clearly doesn't care about me enough to just be remorseful for his actions.

 

Anyone have similar feelings? How do you deal with this nostalgia? Is it just a normal thing that sometimes hits you and you just got to get past it?

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I too thought of my ex over the holiday period. It's silly because he was so cruel to me. I live in Australia and have always fought bushfires with him, this year I am not. I think I have cried everyday for the last month. I think it's just a time of year where we reflect. You know in your head it's silly, it's another thing to convince your heart.

 

Hopefully your move to our beautiful country will be a fresh start for you

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I do the same and get so angry with myself for doing it. Really it's simple, he doesn't want me, probably never did. Time for us to let go. We are worthy of better and we need to believe there is better

 

That cheesy, but always truthful reply…

easier said than done, isn't it?

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I keep refreshing my ex's Twitter page to just see if she's posted anything, and to see if she's got a boyfriend or not. It's annoying me, because I want to live my life.

 

How long have you been broken up? For me, I stopped caring so much about those things around the 4-5 month post-BU mark. My situation was different since he cheated on me and left me for that person. So I was obsessed about if they were still together (she was married so everything was secretive) for months. Ironically, a week after it ended, he got in a relationship with someone new who he's still with. At that point, I was sad about the possibility of him starting a relationship with someone who didn't have the negative baggage and that had no idea about his history. But it didn't really make me that upset because by that time I was largely past it. Both of you will eventually move on though... you and your ex.

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I too thought of my ex over the holiday period. It's silly because he was so cruel to me. I live in Australia and have always fought bushfires with him, this year I am not. I think I have cried everyday for the last month. I think it's just a time of year where we reflect. You know in your head it's silly, it's another thing to convince your heart.

 

Hopefully your move to our beautiful country will be a fresh start for you

 

Thanks Mulder... I'm hoping it will be a fresh start too. And I know he's doing me a favor if he doesn't try to reach out before I leave... although he has no idea. I've avoided talking to mutual friends about my departure date entirely.

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Hey Mbee I can relate to what you say. I'm only two months into the break up and was emotionally cheated on and now he is with someone else. The feelings of nostalgia you have are amplified because you are at a turning point in your life, so it makes everything much more nostalgic. I'm sure you are reflecting on all other things too, including reflecting on the work you going to leave, even the flat you are leaving and a coffee place you used to go. And of course that relationship was a big part of your life at that stage. So it is only natural that you feel this. I understand how you feel because I'm too leaving the country which I'm in now and in which my ex resides this summer. This sort of complicates things and like you said makes you feel nostalgic and, to be honest, a bit scared, not knowing what the future holds and not knowing if you ever see them again.

 

I'm sure in the end things will work out greatly for us, just continue being yourself, being brave and kind and we'll be fine. Hugs to you!

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Hey mbee, I had my nostalgic feeling from a little before the holidays to 10 days after my birthday. Nostalgia is VERY powerful, hell some "get your ex back" material that I read in the early days suggest you even use it as a means of manipulation to win them back... I still go through the motions of nostalgia from time to time and I'm at 10 months almost (February 2nd) but I can safely say I'm over my ex for the most part.

 

Time and more time is all we can do, I recently got my drivers license, passed all my university exams, and got a new job, things I would have LOVED to share with my ex... but no can do, these are now things that are for me, my friends and my family to enjoy.

 

It's my first breakup but I think it's normal, the important thing is whether or not it's impairing you in your daily activities. I think an ex you deeply cared about is likely someone you'll never forget, we'll all even have the urge to check up on their life to see what it's like, via fb, twitter, or some other means.

 

There's even an article about how we face ex's in modern day in comparison to how our parents did, they no longer leave our lives: link removed

 

I still think about the day we can be friends but I don't know why I'd want such a thing or whether we'd even be able to, so what you're going through is definitely not far fetched thinking.

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How long have you been broken up? For me, I stopped caring so much about those things around the 4-5 month post-BU mark. My situation was different since he cheated on me and left me for that person. So I was obsessed about if they were still together (she was married so everything was secretive) for months. Ironically, a week after it ended, he got in a relationship with someone new who he's still with. At that point, I was sad about the possibility of him starting a relationship with someone who didn't have the negative baggage and that had no idea about his history. But it didn't really make me that upset because by that time I was largely past it. Both of you will eventually move on though... you and your ex.

 

My story is a bit different, I'd imagine.

When I was a little boy, I had a crush on this girl. But I was at an age of 9 to 11. So, you can understand me when I say that it's not the age to understand those feelings fully through. So this girl, we played on the playground every school-day and one day she vanished and the class teacher told the class she left. I felt abandoned, and all I had from her was a name (the only information you need at that age too)..

 

After that, I proceeded a year without thinking too much of it.. then in high school, I started thinking about her again and I set out on a mission to find her. I went through all resources I could (Social Media, calling in favours, etc)… 5 years of searching, I had a lead (I sound like a cop? haha!) from someone about the name that popped up on a visitor book and the girl looked like her… So immediately I used this lead to my advantage and tracked her down through that.

 

I then found her, after five years. I couldn't believe it. I introduced myself, and told her all about primary and how I felt. She claimed she had the same feelings. We then proceeded to go out on a date. We continued seeing each other every 2 days after that. Then 5 weeks later, I left her home and 20 minutes later, via Facebook, I got a message saying she didn't want to see me anymore in the sense of 'dating' but as friends… OK, I accepted that. A few days later I found out she unfollowed me on Twitter and unfriended me on Facebook, OK. That got to me a little bit, but I didn't outrage.

 

A few months later, I was lecturing a training session. She was one of the participants I was lecturing too. We made little eye-contact during this, and I was happy to know that she was moving on with her life and she was happy… I thought I had closure after this encounter.

 

Anyway, now another few months down the line, I had an unwelcome dream of her. It's brought all these emotions back up and all the questions I had: "What went wrong?", "Was it my fault?", e.t.c… you know the usual?

 

and I don't know what the best thing to do is. I'm thinking about confronting her in some way and saying what I have felt to her face, to see if that helps me get closure? But I'm afraid that might end badly for me, and I'm also a bit of a coward in that sense. I always think about my reputation, and then I think screw your reputation.. your happiness is better and have an internal debate with myself… etc.

 

Childhood crush, never thought it'd take so long to go away.

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I think you should start your own thread about this to get other's replies, but from reading this I would definitely NOT contact her. Leave it alone. You got your chance at something and it simply didn't work out. You felt like you had closure a few months later but the dream probably reawakened old feelings. As cold as this sounds, it probably doesn't mean anything and it's best to keep moving along.

 

My first love was someone I had a very strange relationship with. We met in high school, and were best friends for some time (we never officially dated but did date.) I moved away (3000 miles away) and we would see each other during the summers. And it was obvious we both had this connection to each other that never went away. We had a falling out because I couldn't stop loving him and he felt a relationship with us was impossible and a friendship was therefore unwise. It's been 4 years since then. I still dream about him, still see how he's doing on social media and occasionally ask my mutual friends in my hometown about him. Ironically, I saw him for the first time during this past Christmas at a movie theater. I'm not sure if he saw me and I contemplated saying hello, but I just let it go. We had our chance and there's no reason to keep digging into the past. Same goes for you. You both had your chance, it didn't work out, and now it's time to let go. Maybe in another few years you could reconnect as friends, but for now it's best to just let it pass.

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Glad to hear it's not far fetched! I just feel ashamed for even wanting to be his friend sometimes. I felt so much hatred and anger towards him just a couple of months ago, and now I miss the days where we could just hang out, talk, see a movie and do fun things together. I am glad we are mostly over our exes, just frustrating to think about the past and have largely good memories knowing how poorly they treated us. That hasn't happened to me in a very long time.

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Hey mbee, that might be the anticipation of going abroad. Are you excited to go or a bit apprehensive? If it's the latter maybe your subconscious is making you think about the good times you had with him (trying to bring you back to a confort zone)?

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