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Hello everyone, I'm very new on these forums but I feel like I need to get some advice from people whom I don't actually know in real life and this looked like a wonderful community where I could find some assistance/get advice on my current predicament.


I apologize for the long-ish story that I'm about to tell, but I feel that it is necessary that I give some context to the current situation at hand. I'll be leaving out actual names of people, however, as real names don't really have any effect on the context of this story.


The Relationship


So I started going to college in the fall of 2012, I was single and ready to enter the "dating world" of college. During my first two months there I didn't have any encounters with girls who I felt that attracted to, I mean I saw some incredibly good looking girls but nobody who I could hold an actual conversation with. I had however been going to rehearsals for a show that I had auditioned for and got a small part in, the name of the show isn't important but the fact of the matter is that I met a girl there who I found to be incredibly interesting personality wise and was just straight out, BEAUTIFUL.


It turned out that this girl was in a relationship, so I kept my distance but we talked every now and then, she was a grade above me and she seemed pretty cool and we had some common interests but never actually hung out outside of rehearsals. Now we fastforward to the end of October and it turns out that she and her boyfriend of several years had broken up, I found this out at an afterparty for the theater performance that we had done, the show was over and we were all celebrating as a cast & crew.


After learning of this we began to talk more, I sat with her and her friends at the dining hall for meals and we began texting each other. This little friendship stage went on for a month or so before we both found out that we had feelings for the other. Her friends told me that I should really make a move because she really liked me, so I did and we ended up talking for another week while we went on lots of little 'dates' and everything was great, we eventually ended up together.


This girl and I quickly bonded, she was my first kiss, my first everything actually, so it was quite a magical experience for me. I was quickly accepted into her friend group and everyone got along and things were great, unfortunately one of the "relationships" in that friend group ended and caused some problems for an entire semester, however my girlfriend and I stood strong and bonded more and more while helping our friends out during their own tough times. There had never been any issues between the two of us either, we had a pretty great relationship & didn't argue much about anything, just really small and insignificant things that we later would laugh about.


Eventually the summer came and we had to both part ways back to our homes, we were several hours apart from the other so meetings were quite scarce but we made it work and talked tons on the phone/instant messaging. We couldn't wait to get back to school for another year so we could see each other and spend more time together.


When we got back to school things were great, we were so happy to be around each other and see our friends and our relationship was just as strong as it was before. Several months later however things began declining a bit, our relationship had hit that 1 year mark in which things get a little more "routine" or "dull" and seeing as we were both very busy with schoolwork and other activities it made it hard to be impulsive, as most "dates" had to be planned. This took the biggest toll because she was a girl who loved surprises and being taken on 'adventures'. It was also difficult because we were on such a small campus and when Winter hit it became hard to do things due to all the snow everywhere, most activities had to be indoor activities.


We were about to leave school for Winter Break ( 1 month apart ) when she mentioned that she hadn't been that happy in our relationship, I panicked and asked if there was anything that I could do and she said that there really wasn't and that it was mostly just a lot of stress going on with her home life, she never liked going home because of her relationship with her parents and one of her grandparents were really sick. I told her that it's perfectly fine and that we can talk over the break about things and try and see where we stand.


We talked several times over break, she even came over to my house and spent the night and we had an incredibly long talk and she told me all these great things and how she had missed me so much and that I was such a wonderful boyfriend and that she was incredibly happy with how I respected her and gave her the space she needed. She talked a lot about how she's always wanted independence because she has been in relationships since she was 16 essentially, her boyfriend before me and then me, so she's been living her young adult life while in relationships, but she told me that I always give her the space she needs and doesn't crave this independence because she gets it while shes with me.


We were going to get an apartment together, however were unable to due to the fact that my mom was concerned about my grades dropping as a result. My mother also brought up the fact that things might be bad if me and my girlfriend broke up but since we had been talking so much and fixing our problems it didn't seem like a possibility, my girlfriend even told me that we were doing so much better than before.


Eventually the break ended and we went back to school, we had planned a movie night together and everything was great. She was the one who came up with the idea and was really excited to spend some time with me. She seemed a bit quite however and I asked her if anything was wrong, she told me that she had been thinking about us and was just thinking that I deserved someone better and that she had a lot of problems that she didn't feel was fair to burden me with. Her mother called 10 minutes into this talk and she was on the phone with her for half an hour, when she got off the phone with her mom she was really upset about something that had happened yet said we should continue our talk. We continued and she kept saying that I need someone better and someone who isn't as "crazy".


The night ended with us breaking up, though it came out of nowhere and none of our friends understood why and neither of us understood why, I think it was just a lot of mixed emotions due to the phone conversation and that we didn't even intend to break up.


During the Breakup


I gave her all the time & space she needed during this breakup. I told our mutual friends to go comfort her because she needed it more, I ended up avoiding her at all costs and would leave the dining hall whenever she walked in.


I also didn't speak with her or try to make contact with her, I didn't ask my friends about her either, and I let her do her own thing.


Two days into it she said that she couldn't take it anymore and that she needed to talk to me and that she missed me and regretted the entire thing. She asked if we could start talking again and I said yes but didn't start any of the conversations that we had, I let her do all of that.


I felt that the ball was in her court as she had been the one that wanted to break up, not me, so I didn't want to push her or pressure her towards any decisions. Eventually she asked if she could come down to my room so we could talk face to face and when she came in she hugged me for about 3 minutes and then began sobbing. She said they were tears of joy and she was so happy to be hugging me again and to talk with me and everything felt right.


We still weren't back together but we both felt a lot better.


I found out from one of our mutual friends that she's really glad I've given her the space she needs to think during all of this, but she really wishes I'd fight to get her back at the same time.


So she wants me to come fight for her and to be adventurous. We're planning on hanging out again just the two of us tomorrow, because it something we both wanted. She's really into horoscopes so I planned on writing a "love letter" from my symbol to her own symbol as a way thats saying I'm still going to fight for her but isn't coming off as too strong or desperate.


So do people think that we really have a chance? I can assure everyone that there is NO OTHER GUY OR GIRL in this equation, we didn't cheat on each other, the relationship wasn't abusive, something really weird happened one night and we broke up out of nowhere. I'm not mad at her and I really want her back and it seems like she really wants me back too.


Am I right to think that it's possible we can get back together?

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Anything's possible. You are both very young and this relationship has shown you a lot of firsts, so, it will always be very special to you. In my opinion you have done everything within your power to please her. You have given her the space she needs, you have provided distance when you broke up, and you are there for her when she needs you. She is the one that is confused. And it is up to you to decide how long you tend to ride the emotional roller coaster she is putting you on.

Also, you are in college to work on making a future for yourself. Shouldn't that be your priority right now?

College is the beginning phase to laying the pathway for your future. Work on that. If a relationship fits into the equation right now great, but if that relationship is causing more stress than peace maybe it's time to let it go.

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I'm glad to see that anything is possible, I plan on confronting her on where we stand as a "couple" at the end of this week. Our mutual friend has been meeting with both of us to make sure we're okay and keeps telling me that she's been regretting this entire decision and is just trying to decide if she wants a relationship or not.


I have been using this time to focus on school though, and I've never had any true problems in school. I do make sure to do all of my studies and classwork so it's not like this relationship has been fully demanding of all of my time. She was an incredibly successful student and still is, I remember her complaining about getting an A- in a class so both of us made sure to put school first.


I'm not very stressed about it all, just trying to figure it all out. I'm still willing to be her best friend in the end because there isn't really any bad blood between us. I'm mostly just wondering why not keep it in a "relationship" seeing as we've been together for a year and don't really have any true reason to break up. If we still both love each other and have intimate feelings for one another then I think it could all still work.


For the time being I'll just be helping her when she needs it, trying to drop little hints here or there while I "fight for her" and keep on top of my schoolwork

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I think there IS a reason for this breakup -- there always is, people don't break up for no reason at all. But I think she's not telling you the real reasons because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.


It sounds to me like the attraction is gone -- that's my guess, anyway. It sounds like she's conflicted about it because she knows intellectually she should want to be with you because you're obviously a great guy and you really love her. But I'm guessing the feelings just aren't there anymore.... she might love you as a person, but the romantic *spark* is gone.


I think this is why she's asking you to fight for her, because she's hoping that if you have more of an alpha male vibe it's going to re-ignite her feelings of attraction, as opposed to being so giving and accommodating to her needs. I definitely wouldn't write her love letters right now.


If she doesn't give you a firm "yes" when you speak with her, I'd walk away and not try the "best friends" route.... that rarely works anyway, and all you'd be doing is holding her hand through the breakup (until she finds her next boyfriend).


But good luck on your upcoming relationship talk -- I really do hope it works out for you!


And I hope I'm wrong, it sure wouldn't be the first time. But from what you've posted it looks -- to me, anyway -- like she's already experiencing serious doubts and ambivalence, which isn't a good sign.... sadly these feelings usually don't just go away. Sadly, they usually become stronger with time.

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The only real reason for this breakup that I myself and that our friends see is that since she's been in a relationship for essentially 4 years straight ( with a 1 month break in between her old boyfriend and me ) that she wants to see what it's like to be single and have independence. However like I stated since she still wants to be best friends I don't see what the big problem is with trying to keep a relationship, I'm very respectful of the space she needs and understand that she has her own hobbies and interests and her own special group of friends that she hangs out with and I make sure I don't tread on that.


Throughout the relationship she was a girl who really enjoyed the "magical" aspect of love and treated it sort of like a fairytale, unfortunately I'm more of an analytical person and often got so wrapped up in trying to make sure I was always doing the write thing instead of living in the moment, something that I now realize was a huge mistake of mine. She really just wants a boyfriend who can provide her with a sense of excitement and wonder and surprise her every now and then, something that was really hard for me due a busy college schedule, we didn't have much time where we could actual surprise the other.


I really don't want to try and wipe her out of my life, and it'd be really difficult to in terms of the 'best friends' route, I know people always say not to be friends with the person you broke up with and that I'll just be holding onto my feelings for her but we share a good majority of the same friends and have a lot of the same interests. Our campus is also really small so it'd be impossible to fully avoid her.


I too hope things work out, she's such a wonderfully intelligent and beautiful girl and just a great friend through and through. I've missed her company a lot over the past week or so and I just want to have a nice and civil talk with her to see where we stand and ask if we can try it again. I've just got to make sure that I don't forget what happened between us, forgive not forget is what they always say I guess!

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Yeah, nobody really wants to have to walk away or give up that special friendship.


Sadly, most dumpers will happily keep you in their lives as a *special friend*.... until the day they meet their next boyfriend.


If she's telling you it's "relationships in general" that she's rejecting -- and not you, personally -- then you should know this is something many people will say to protect your feelings. Don't be surprised if she then goes straight into another relationship with someone else, despite what she's told you.... this is very common as well.

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This didn't come out of "no where"....she has been expressing discontent for a while.


And I think that she is just tired of being in a relationship and wants to be single....until the next guy comes along.


Well I guess it didn't "come out of nowhere" but we had been working things out and were incredibly happy with each other.


A week before it all happened we were both discussing getting an apartment with one of our other friends, an idea that wouldn't work if only if all 3 of us would be able to do it. When I asked her about our 'relationship' since we were still working things out she told me that we were doing fine and not to worry about that, as there wasn't going to be any sort of chance or reason for us to break up.


In fact the night it all happened she had asked me if I wanted to watch a movie because she really missed me, then when I said I'd love to and we both wished each other a goodnight and did our usual " I love you! " and whatnot.


So sure, there had been some problems but we had discussed them and were incredibly close to working them out.


When we were doing the period of NC she was the first one to break it, telling me that she couldn't do this and that she was regretting her choice and was wondering why it all happened but we're both waiting a week or two before we fully discuss where we're at.


If she still wants to be my best friend but doesn't want to be in a relationship then I don't see what the big fuss is, honestly we're both still attracted to the other physically are still in love with the other, she just doesn't know what she wants right now and seeing as she's been committed to relationships for most of her young adult life I can fully understand that.


The fact that her best friend told me that she wants me to fight for her and show her that I still really love her during all this said something to me, and I'm taking that as a good sign, and we still hangout a lot when we're alone and it's incredibly fun and we both have a good time.

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The fact that her best friend told me that she wants me to fight for her and show her that I still really love her during all this said something to me, and I'm taking that as a good sign, and we still hangout a lot when we're alone and it's incredibly fun and we both have a good time.


This is, in fact, an incredibly bad sign. She has watched too many romantic comedies or read to many romance novels.

There is nothing to fight for.

She is the one who said she needed time to be single.


She is very immature and needs some time to be single and grow up.

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If she still wants to be my best friend but doesn't want to be in a relationship then I don't see what the big fuss is, honestly we're both still attracted to the other physically are still in love with the other, she just doesn't know what she wants right now and seeing as she's been committed to relationships for most of her young adult life I can fully understand that.


So you would be perfectly content if, while letting her do her own thing, trying to figure things out, she met someone or a couple of someone's, that she wanted to date? You would be perfectly happy listening to her talk about those dates to you, her 'best friend'?


I'm saying this because usually when someone says that they have been in a committed relationship most of their adult life and want to see what it was like not to be in one for awhile that is what they do. They live the single life. I'm not saying she is going to go out and meet/date a ton of guys, but it is possible. And just knowing she has no one to answer to, it is probable.


Only you know what you are capable of handling emotionally. Personally, if I still had feelings for someone that was no longer committed to me, the last thing I would want to be was a best friend to them.

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No dude, outlook is horrible and couldn't get any worse. She broke up wih you. She did that because she didn't want you. Anya then she has the immaturity and audacity to spect you to fight for her. Fight with whom? Against whom or what? It's jibberish. All she wants to do is control you and have you for a back up ego boost. Stay far far away.

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