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I really need some advice on my situation :(


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Ok - so I have been with my current boyfriend for almost three years now. We live together and are very happy together. I am happy almost every day, and I often think how lucky I am to find someone that I can be with for the rest of my life. Up until about 2 months ago, we were engagement ring shopping (just to find the style and size that I like for him to pick out later when he feels its time). I was really happy and couldn't wait for him to propose I even started looking for ideas .

 

Before I make it seem like the perfect relationship, there are some minor things that we often hit a brick wall with. We are completely opposite. He loves sitting at home and doing nothing all weekend, where as I like to get out and go do things. He is barely affectionate except when he wants sex, and ive often talked to him about wanting him to be more affectionate to me, and he says he will try and work on it for me, but it often just fades back to no affection. We barely snuggle together when watching tv, we both sit at opposite sides of the lounge and I often feel like if I went to sit next to him or lay on him he would tell me to go away he just doesn't want to be touched.

This has led to a basically sexless relationship. We maybe have it once or twice a month. And it is my fault because lately I feel like im not sexually attracted to him (which sounds horrible) and its killing me that im not. But I just don't feel that passion anymore. I have also spoke to him about this too which he says that we arnt suppose to have the passion all the time, and we can work on it. However, it just isn't getting any better.

 

Apart from this we enjoy our days together, we do have fun together, and he makes me laugh a lot. I enjoy his company. He has made me such a better person, and if it wernt for him, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

Back on track, after we went engagement ring shopping I started having thoughts about my ex boyfriend (we were together a year and a half) but he was my first love. We were madly in love with each other but we were very young. I was 16 at the time and he was 18. He was extremely jealous and would check my phone, call me a , spit on me if we had a fight, push me around. It wasn't nice, but I still loved him. We were always affectionate and had sex regularly, we were the stereotypical young love couple. I ended up finding the strength to leave him and didn't look back.

 

Since this, I haven't stopped thinking about him, and I cant seem to remember in detail all the bad things that happened and I went purposely searching to remind myself that this is why you left him so stop thinking about him! however everything I found, including old messages and photos just made me miss him.

 

The only rational I can think of is that I want the qualities of my ex boyfriend in my current boyfriend, such as being affectionate and having fun. My old boyfriend and I always used to go out, to the beach, park, go play in sprinklers, go shopping, go eat out, go to lookouts. Me and my current boyfriend don't do any of that. I often ask him if he wants to but he is more interested in sitting at home playing xbox or reading...

 

Im scared that I will keep thinking about my ex, and want to leave my current boyfriend thinking my ex was better. But the thing is I don't want to leave my current boyfriend. We have a life together. I just wish I could somehow fix this problem myself.

 

I thought about going and seeing my ex to talk about our relationship, maybe its closure I need? because I never got it..

 

I am just really confused, any advice would be so greatly appreciated!

 

Thank you

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In a relationship you have to 'give a little' and him NOT giving in in a few ways is making you remember your ex, by sounds of it.

BUT i dont know how good this is, really, with this fact of HIM coming up in mind again?

 

I think you have to either set things straight in your mind or- talk to your bf with all of these concerns and if he can't give a bit in this.. maybe it is time to throw in the towel? We can't win em all.

 

And i wonder IF you might want to look into some counselling of your stuck in this rutt over the ex and new bf.?

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Immediately this sounds like rose-colored glasses to me. You recognize there were unhealthy things in your past relationship, and yet you still seem somewhat willing to rekindle that? As well as with your current man, there are things that sound like you might very well begin, or have begun resenting him for yet you remain vigilant to remain with him.

 

You seem smart enough to know that relationships are balance, and they require a great deal of it. Instead of thinking about the good qualities of your ex and meaninglessly pondering about how things could be, attack how things are now head on. Initiate going out a little bit more, and if he still refuses go out on your own. When he wants to sit and do nothing all day (which, by the way sounds so lazy I couldn't handle that) you go out, have fun, be reeling by the time you get back.

Don't keep giving and giving without receiving. That'll only lead you to resentment and eventually breaking up.

 

I would stay away from the ex if I were you... what your subconscious might be justifying as "needing closure" is more likely looking for the attention, affection or whatnot that you're starved of in this relationship.

 

Awhile back I was in a sticky situation choosing between two different guys. Both loved me like crazy. Both treated me with value and respect. Both are great men.

I actually took a break from my current boyfriend to figure things out and really get in some solid hours with my therapist to try and figure it out and you know what he said? If nothing changed about either man, 5, 10, 20 years from now would you be happy? I took all the cons of both and imagined them not changing. And I went running back to my boyfriend like a bat out of... you know (not sure if that word would be moderated hehe)

 

I know you're not choosing between two men, but you are choosing between your man now and the prospect of somebody else with your ex's qualities if not just your ex.

Ask yourself if you'd be ok with your current man not changing. I know it's somewhat unrealistic because everyone goes through some measure of change and most certainly can, but I ask you to imagine that simply because it looks like you have already spoken to him and he's resisting it.

 

And the entire time, remember the bad things you just said that your ex was doing to you. Remember the disrespect, the humiliation of being spit on (my gosh honey how could that not be washing away the fond memories?!) and remember there was a darn good reason you had to become strong enough to leave him. It'd be somewhat of a weakness on your part, no offense if you went back to that. Also, the things you mentioned that made you happy with your ex are things people can do with best friends... love isn't that alone and you seem to be romanticizing your past. And believe me, I've been one to do that myself.

 

I wish you the best and I hope I've given you some things to think about.

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I thought about going and seeing my ex to talk about our relationship, maybe its closure I need? because I never got it..

 

Closure is something we give to ourselves. Sounds to me that it's not closure that you need, or you would have sought that years ago. I think that you are trying to escape/distract yourself from your current relationship problems by thinking of the past. The things you are missing from your current relationship are important to you or you wouldn't be having these thoughts. You need to try your best to make your boyfriend listen how seriously this is affecting your feelings of him and make him realize that this is tearing your relationship apart. If he won't compromise, then you need to either decide whether you would be ok carrying on like this indefinitely (doesn't sound like it) OR break up with him. However, whatever you do, you should realize that the thoughts you have about your ex are the attempt of your mind to escape from your present problems rather than genuine feelings. You should not attempt to contact your ex while you are having problems with your current relationship. Nothing good would come out of it.

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I think you're not being honest with yourself about how happy you really are with your BF because you want to be so badly. But affection and an external social life are some serious things to allow yourself to be deprived of, and I think you're too enamored with the idea of a ring on your finger to be clear about how unhappy you're becoming.

 

There would be no room for ideas about your ex if things were all that great in your current relationship. I hope you'll look at that closely before you invest in a marriage that could land you in misery.

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wow I'm truly amazed at how many people have taken the time to give me advice. I thank you all so much for it and im truly grateful All of you said things that has made me think that maybe it isn't me missing my ex, maybe it is just escaping my current relationship trying to get the things that are important to me back. Im glad I posted on here, you have all given me some great advice. I may start with trying to have a serious talk with my boyfriend and highlight the seriousness of these qualities that I am missing. I do love my boyfriend with all my heart, he is my best friend. I just cant help but think will I be able to live without the things that im longing for.

 

thank you all again!

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Talk to your bf. Stay away from the ex! It is just you escaping problems and not wanting to face them head on. Your bf should at least have the chance to work on those issues with you. If he loved you, he will.

 

And as for the passion, I want to say: passion will ALWAYS subside and it will ALWAYS become 'routine'. There's no way you can keep the chemical rush that you once felt for him. You CAN however, both work on spending more quality time and be more affectionate towards eachother. Please don't ditch a good bf for the matter of 'passion'.

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