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Stay or move on? Please help me


nickster13

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Hey All,

New poster here, but I have an issue. It will be a little long winded, so please bear with me.

 

I have been dating a girl for about 11 months. She is from Asia, and came to Canada to study english and work, etc. We dated since early on, so naturally she has come to associate her Canadian life with me. We have enjoyed our time together, but now it is time for her to go back to Asia to finish some schooling. She will be gone for 4 months, as she plans to come back to Canada in the summer. Though naturally, if i break up with her, I don't see her coming back here.

 

I am her first boyfriend, and she really loves me, possibly because she feels like she won't find another boyfriend ever again.

I'll break it down according to what I like and don't like. She is 23 and I am 24.

Likes:

She's cute, sweet, kind and gets along with my family. She has a really good heart and is innocent.

Dislikes:

She is very immature, very dependent on me, doesn't talk much(her english is very poor and doesn't study well), has no obvious hobbies and is quite passive. In short, she's a bit boring.

 

The problem is, I love her, but I have some things that bother me a little bit, she's 23, but had a really sheltered childhood in the asian countryside. So she is quite immature and very passive. She has a good heart though, so part of me is banking on her potential, and hoping that someday she will figure out her hobbies, be more independent, find her career, get better at english, etc.

 

Note that I speak a very decent Korean, just the communication issue is starting to creep up, and knowing that her english has regressed instead of improved irritates me a little.

 

Did I miss anything? If anyone has any questions, please ask. Also, any help would be much appreciated. Ultimately, I wanna know what I should do, or if I should break up with her, etc. Thanks in advance.

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I personally feel long distant relationships are a waste of time. Most the needs of a relationship are not being met-affection, intimacy, quality time..

 

Plus you come from two very different cultures. Have you slept with this woman? Many Asians are extremely conservative and boring in bed..

 

It is hard to maintain a healthy long term relationship with someone who doesn't see sex as a priority

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Well, the distance is not so much important to me as knowing if we have a future together. We have already done distance for 3 months of the 11 together so far and survived just fine. But now the issues I mentioned have creeped up, making me not sure if I want to.

 

No we don't have sex, but she has said she wants to when she comes back (potentially) in the summer. But we do touching, etc. And that's fine for now.

 

I find myself wondering, "is this it?"

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I love her, but not as much as I used to. I see two futures. One where we are together and one where we are not.

 

I think the problem is, my love kind of evolved into a parental love. I got used to teaching her english, teaching her how to live, telling her she should expand her interests, teaching her about relationships, etc. So from this, I kind of have a paternal love for her now. Not sure how to break out of it, because she is highly dependent on me and doesn't have many life experiences.

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I think you should break up with her. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and be independent. Its not an equal partnership if you need to constantly hold her hand and it puts you under pressure.

 

When someone makes you their everything, you begin to feel trapped. Its not healthy

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I think the problem is, my love kind of evolved into a parental love. I got used to teaching her english, teaching her how to live, telling her she should expand her interests, teaching her about relationships, etc. So from this, I kind of have a paternal love for her now. Not sure how to break out of it, because she is highly dependent on me and doesn't have many life experiences.

 

Break up with her now so she can start to move on. In the future, date native English speakers who live closer to you. That will hopefully get you someone less dependent on you.

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I vote break. It's a depressing and suffocating trap to encourage someone's dependence on you. That's not doing her any favors, and it only gets more misearble with time.

 

She seems quite content with our relationship though. I have tried to encourage her to find hobbies, meet friends, be active. Still a work in progress on that front as I am her first boyfriend.

I guess I will have to see where time takes us..

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You see her potential? How is she ever going to realize her own potential? She has no motivation to change now. What makes you think she will turn into someone else in the next year? She wont. People dont change

 

I say that because she's a sweet girl, just immature. I assume people mature. I'm also trying to find out what will make me more content.

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She seems quite content with our relationship though. I have tried to encourage her to find hobbies, meet friends, be active. Still a work in progress on that front as I am her first boyfriend.

I guess I will have to see where time takes us..

 

You've conveniently missed the point, and it has zero to do with her contentedness.

 

You're already feeling guilt about considering a bail, and that's because you've encouraged her to be dependent on you. Well? It doesn't get easier to free yourself, it gets harder, and you'll end up suffocated and miserable.

 

You've convinced yourself that you're responsible for another fully grown adult, and that's unhealthy and something you may want to consider therapy for. Meanwhile, her trip gives you the opportunity to free yourself--and her. If you won't take the opening, then that speaks of a problem bigger than we can address here.

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