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When is the right time to move in with girlfriend and her child?


DieYoung

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I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 9 months and she has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. She is currently still married and living with her "husband" and son. Her husband and child are both aware that we are dating so it's not on the sly or anything. For all intents and purposes they are split up, just not legally. Her and her son have met my family and they all have a good relationship together, as do I with her son. For the last few months we've been making plans to move in together once her lease is up.

 

However, my family has expressed concern recently about the timing of us moving in together. They're worried about me moving in with someone who is in the middle of a divorce and not completely free from her marriage. They're also worried about how confusing the situation is for her son. His parents are telling him that they're no longer together yet they still live together, and now here's this new guy who he'll be living with every other week. My family doesn't have a problem with us living together, but their stance is that ideally we should live separately for another year so that her son has time to adjust seeing his parents apart, and to give her divorce time to process.

 

It was kind of a hard wake up call for both of us and it's been real disappointing going from the excitement of living together to putting it off another year. We still really want to move in together but I suppose the only logical reason in favor of it is that it'll be very difficult for her to live alone financially. Other than that we just really want to.

 

Right now my feeling is that I'd still like to go through with living together as long as she thinks her son will be fine with it. She is his mother after all and I've never had kids so I trust her judgement. Also, I wouldn't sign a lease with her unless she files for divorce first. I understand that a lot of things have happened to delay her filing, one being that she lost her job and had to find a new one. But we've been together for 9 months and she hasn't even filed yet which worries me. I don't want to be one of those typical cases you always hear about where they say they'll get divorced but never do. Am I rushing into this living arrangement too soon?

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She is currently still married and living with her "husband" and son.

I don't want to be one of those typical cases you always hear about where they say they'll get divorced but never do.

Am I rushing into this living arrangement too soon?

YES, you are rushing this living arrangement way too soon! She is STILL MARRIED and that's enough reason NOT to move in with her. Wait until ALL issues have been resolved and she is legally divorced. You really need to go into this one with your eyes wide open.

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Do you eventually plan on marrying her? If so then that is when you should move in together.

 

Doesn't matter that her son knows about you or that he knows about the parents "not being together". He is a child, and divorce is very complicated for adults let alone children. In this case it is important to do what is in the best interest of her son.

 

I think you shouldn't live with her until you're ready to either commit or after a couple years of being together. Nine months is hardly enough when a child isn't involved, and it is certainly too soon since there is a child involved, and while the parents are still living together.

First he needs to adjust to them not being together, then to adjust to mommy and her boyfriend.

 

I think you're both rushing it.

 

 

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I agree with your family. Give her time and space to end the marriage fully and learn to live apart from anyone. You can continue to see each other since the husband knows and it's not a secret from anyone, but I would slow it down a bit. Just to take the time and properly let all the business, emotional and otherwise, get taken care of first. Then once she's free and clear, and you and she see that she isn't just jumping from one relationship to another, you can look at moving in.

 

I think your family is very, very, very wise and you should listen to them.

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Also, children are unpredictable. There is no way she can know how he will react once they are not living in the same house. He might seem fine now, but it could be a very different story once mommy and daddy are no longer in the same house.

 

 

 

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Yes. She's not even begun the process of a divorce yet, her child is going to jump from one living arrangement with their father to another with a different man. He is 5: He does not comprehend it the way we all do here, as adults. Your family has the right idea.

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Coming from a single mother, I have to honestly say I think she's being incredibly irresponsible. She barely knows you, and she's going to jump right from one man to another with her kid in tow?? How on earth is that child supposed to process that and be OK?? Sounds like she just doesn't want to be without someone supporting her financially or emotionally, but her child will be the one paying the price for that. I wouldn't just "trust her judgment" as you say because clearly she doesn't seem to be using good judgment at ALL.

 

That, AND she hasn't even FILED for divorce yet. I don't know how you started dating someone that was still married and hadn't even started the process of divorcing yet, but this sounds ridiculous to me. At least if she had filed already, I could maybe take her more seriously... but I don't know why you would bother dating someone who isn't even bothering to get divorced. At this rate she won't be divorced for years - it takes a long time to finalize the process.

 

She obviously has some serious messes that she needs to clean up first. And then, she's going to need to deal with the logistics of divorced life, finances, joint custody, etc.

 

I agree strongly with your family. They seem to be more concerned about her child than she is. Although she seems to be making rash, irresponsible decisions, doesn't mean you need to be doing that too.

 

I wouldn't be moving in with her unless and until:

 

1) She's FINALIZED the divorce

2) She's had time to live alone for a while and process the divorce/take care of her son - at least a year or two

3) She's found stable employment and maintained it for at least a year or two, and is demonstrating self sufficiency/not being financially dependent on you or anyone else

4) You have dated at least a year or two and have planned to get married

5) Her son has really gotten a chance to adjust to having newly single parents that live apart, and also has been able to get to know you well enough to trust you as a father figure

 

Again, I'm a single mother also, for whatever that's worth.

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I think your family is also trying to protect YOU. As in, she is jumping right from one man to another, and she is not even divorced yet! You can't be sure that you're not just the vehicle she intends to ride out of the marriage, and then when she gets on her feet again financially or meets a man who makes more money than you, she may dump and jump! And her poor kid is now watching all these various men rotate thru his life.

 

So I agree, if this relationship is a good one, it will still be good in a year. She needs to work on getting divorced, getting her kid acclimated to not living with his parents full time, and let her head clear so that she is not just treating you like a rebound. You do NOT want her son getting attached to you (or you to the son) until you are sure she is well out of the marriage, and is sure that what she wants is another serious live-in relationship rather than just a guy who will help her financially.

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How would you feel if you were five years old and your dad left only to be replaced by another guy?

 

^^ This!!

 

OP, they are a family unit living together. The break up of that is no small thing for a child to process.

 

Also the grown ups involved may find they have mixed feelings about letting go and moving on once it goes from a concept to reality. Let her and her son adjust to life without dad at home. Rushing to move in with a new "dad" is a horrible idea.

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Apparently only your family has the best interest of the child in mind. Don't know what his daddy is thinking. Obviously mommy is happy to have someone on the side until she decides to end her marriage. And you are thinking with your own interests in mind.

 

For the sake of the child, you really need to get out of the picture and the parents should focus on helping the child go through the divorce.

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This has 'disaster' written all over it. If this woman is not capable of moving out of her family home and divorcing her husband, then you are a tool of necessity being used to bridge her way out. Problems will begin shortly after that, and you'll be discarded like a used up band aid as soon as she finds her next mark.

 

I don't know which is worse, dating her while she's still married and living with her husband or bringing the kid into this mess.

 

Whatever trouble you think you foresee, I'd times that by a hundred. You're not seeing clearly enough to fathom a fraction of what you're up against.

 

Good luck.

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