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Glutton for punishment


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I'm not as low as I have been. One thing I'm realsising is that I'm letting his decisions affect my moods. When really it's up to me to heal myself so why is that?


He came and saw our children Friday and Saturday eve, which was probably just a one off as I have a feeling when he finishes work Friday (works away during the week) he'll be doing what he's always done. I think the only reason he spent time with children this week is because he had no money to go out as he had to pay bills, guess we'll soon see


Finding it hard to stay NC. I think it's more the thought that I Want to talk to him, more often than not I don't give in. But dislike it when I do as he mostly he blanks them which makes me feel foolish for even contacting. It won't be anything serious just generally about children.


I can't help but let my imagination run away with me. Is he with her? Is that why he's ignoring me? I wonder who he's met up with? I wonder if he's seein someone different now? When he's here to see. Children all I want to do is go through his phone. The urge is strong lol Every bit of it. Then I question myself , what good would that bring? What are you hoping to find? Evidence? It wouldn't make you feel better. I'm ashamed to say I have been going through his email, that's because it's how I found out at Christmas that he was booking hotel rooms, by going on there. And now I keep checking to see if and when he does. But I know that's not gonna do me any favours and it's pathetic if me.


By doing all this I'm not letting go. I know that. One part of me feels "it's none of your business now. He can do what he likes. It's nothin to do with you" the the other side is like "no! You are the mother of his children you have a right to know! You deserve to know the truth!" And angel and the devil and compelling arguments lol


All the range of emotions that you go through during a break up and healing process, today I feel disappointed. About him, the situation, but mostly in myself. Probably is I expect myself to be stronger then snooping and should be over it by now. Shouldn't I be actin like the bitter ex? Vengeful to him? Shoudnt I have that "sod him cheating scumbag" attitude by now? Humph. Sometimes I'm disappointed that I don't have a personality like that lol! I'm just civil and nice and wanting to make sure this break up isn't hurting him as much as me. Pathetic huh?


Just a vent getting out my head, rather put it on here then let him know my thoughts.

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