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no contact... torture


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So, on Friday I finally concluded an affair with a guy who I've been in love with for the better part of two years and who has dragged me through the dirt and back. This guy I dated for a while, wouldn't actually commit to me, since he was coming out of a 7 year relationship, I listened to his problems, tried to help, like an idiot, then he got with another girl and actually moved in with her. He kept popping up, was mad when I deleted him from social networks, from whatsapp, apologetic, fed me a spiel about how he never meant to hurt me, blah blah blah.. stupidly after 6 or so months of not seeing nor really hearing from him, he got back in touch in May, and I let him back into my life, even though he was with her we began seeing each other, there is a strong attraction there, plus friendship because despite the fact he treated me like crap... I like him, he makes me laugh, and seems to get me. I went in with my eyes open, and feeling smug because he'd come back, but then we got closer, we talked about personal things, hopes, dreams...But I realised... he's just using me, whether for sex, or for a crutch, or because I have something his girlfriend does not, I don't know. But I figured I wasn't that much to him else he would be with me. So when we spoke on Firday I, out of the blue, said to him that I didn't want to hear from him until he was free to have a normal relationship with me, that maybe I loved him but I didn't have much hope and the situation was going nowhere. And he didn't argue, he just said he was ashamed of himself, that truly I deserv better, if that was what I wanted he wasn't going to argue with me.. Already on Saturday I tried to call him (he didn't answer) and text that I just wanted to hear his voice. I'm going through torture right now because I want him to call, even though I specifically told him not to. I want to call him, but then he's not going to take me seriously. I want respect and my dignity (back, I lost it somewhere) can anyone offer me any words of sympathy or advice?

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You will not get respect or dignity from this man child.


He's enjoying you being at his beck and call. He knows he has you if he wants you now and he's gone. Maybe he only wanted you back because he couldn't have you.


But one thing is for sure, he's just thinking about himself. If he didn't want to hurt you he wouldn't have done all the things he has done. Look at the actions do not listen to the words, he could very easily be just saying a bunch of crap.


Also, you should not have gotten involved with someone who is in a relationship from the start. Fair enough, you tried, but it's never a good idea. I don't really know how anyone stomach's it who does it. Someone will always get hurt.


Also, him saying he's ashamed of himself etc and then ignoring you makes him feel like he's the responsible one but he is also taking all the power from you. It was you who ended it. Sure, he may have known it should have ended but he didn't end it, he went along with it until you clocked he was just using you and then makes out that he agrees with you on for the same reasons as you, but no, he just agreed because you said you wanted to end it and he knew he wanted both relationships so was not going to argue as you said you still loved him when doing it anyway so he knows he has you. He's screwing with your emotions and he knows it.


He's probably mirroring you and that's why you like him. Some guys like this do that. It's all about power with them. Power and control.


Don't focus on trying to figure it all out and don't focus on wanting to contact him. I bet you he wants you to beg him back to having this affair again. He may not even want it anymore but he'll want you to beg. Trust me. And don't do it. It will only hurt you more.

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Are you saying that he would never commit to you, found another girl that he pretends to commit to by moving in with her and then you were with such low self-esteem that you enabled him to cheat on this new girl?


Why don't you love yourself? Why would you even look at this man again after you allowed him to drag you through the mud? (Yes you allowed it) When we allow someone to mis-treat us, then it's not a good idea to continue on in your addiction of him. You need to rehab from your drug of choice known as "Dirty Rotten Scoundrel" He's a cheater, hes a liar, hes a user, he doesn't love you and you are addicted to him.


The only way to rehab from your drug of choice is to go cold turkey withdrawl (zero contact and acceptance that you are better off without him) and with the help from the good folks within a 12 step program such as alanon or codependents anonymous or through personal training to get past your codependent thinking and actions. I don't think trying to keep clean and sober from him on your own will work for long with you because you're going to need to learn the tools that will keep you from getting addicted to other men in your future who are just as vile as this one is.


You need to hone your personal boundaries so that you'll not let men like him in your life to begin with. Those good folks I mention will help you with that.


This isn't about him, (its clear what a horrible partner he would make) it's about you and what you allow in your life. That needs to be repaired. Even if he said he wanted a "normal relationship with you" do you honestly think he'd be monogamous with you while in it? Hardly. He's shown you who he is. Take him down off the pedestal youve put him on look realistically at who he actually is and you'll heal all that much quicker. Get the help you need and you'll understand that he's not a good partner to you or anyone else.


You're easily pleased. He came back even less committed to you then he's ever been. You need to look within and ask yourself why that is something to feel "smugness" about. Its not a good thing.

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Further: You told him you didn't want him in your life if he didn't leave her and then you immediately tell him that you didn't really mean that because you called him. You're addicted. Start your rehab now. Pretend he died if you have to.


Maybe this book will help you with your cold-turkey withdrawl.


link removed


Here's a review of the book:

Mellody has written a lucid and informative book on a subject little understood: love addiction. Speaking both from personal experience and a clinical standpoint, she very carefully defines her terms, including "love addict," "avoidance addict," and, of course, codependence. The last term she carefully distinguishes from love addiction. She also includes information on the recovery process, the marks of a healthy relationship, and the process of entering into a healthy relationship. The book concludes with a set of journal exercises designed to help someone in recovery. Worthwhile reading that is recommended for libraries serving both the professional and general reader.

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I already went cold turkey once but this time I'm sure it will be harder. He is smart and knows how to manipulate me by now. Worse still is his passivity "if you go, yes I'll be sad, but I won't stop you, if that's really what you want"

But he also knows he is not a nice person. He said that he is rotten on the inside and he doesn't deserve to be loved. He said I only know half of it and that I would do well to get away and find someone who could love me in a way I deserved. Of course, his current girlfriend is obviously not worthy.


So the problem really is me, then.

I ask myself, if someone did something to me as a child. Am I looking for validisation by "winning" someone who is impossibile?"

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He is smart and knows how to manipulate me by now.
There is a solution to this. You block and delete him so that you cannot break your own self-made boundary.


I ask myself, if someone did something to me as a child. Am I looking for validisation by "winning" someone who is impossibile?"
It's not a stretch to assume that you are a product of your upbringing. There are lots of self-help books and web sites to help you with your codependency issues, your fear of being alone to the point that you'd settle for a emotional abuser then be single, your need to win this loser over.


... and No.. you didn't go cold turkey once. If you did, then you obviously fell off the wagon and had started using again or this thread wouldn't eve exist, you'd be over him and you'd hopefully be working on making you the best you that you can be.


Cold turkey zero contact doesn't mean "for now" it means "forever" luv.


You can do better then some cheater who only wants you for the side piece. The trick is to believe you deserve more and when you love yourself then you will believe such a thing and you'd be appalled to be with someone as vile as he.


Are you able to get access to councelling to help you with this cold turkey withdrawl pain you're going through? If you can't afford personal therapy then Al-anon or Codependents Anonymous is free and they can help you to remain strong and to build personal boundaries that will help you to stay away from men like him. You don't frame men like him as "the prize" they are no prize.


Be strong, you're coming off of a drug so you're going to have to fight your craving for him. You can do that if you don't cave and go back for another hit. Zero Contact.


Adding: Did you read the intro to that book I suggested? Stop thinking about him and think about yourself for a change. Help you to see that who you want is not worthy of being on that pedestal you put him on. He's a cheating piece of work. Do Not let him hoover you back in only to be cheated on yourself once the new relationship energy wears thin with the two of you.

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