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Is He Fading Out?


villgirl

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This is a continuation from this thread ("Am I Expecting Too Much?").

 

So, long story short: I've been dating this guy for about five weeks. He was on a business trip for two of those weeks. In the previous thread, I was annoyed that he had canceled a few of our dates before he left (he was sick and busy preparing for the trip) and didn't make much of an effort to talk while he was away.

 

Well, he came back from the trip and we saw each other that very day. He then suggested we spend the weekend together, which we did. It was great, we had fun, everything felt very natural and I got hopeful again that this might be A Thing.

 

We didn't arrange any plans for the week, since it was my birthday on Thursday, and he said he would attend my party. Then, the night before, he texted me that a work trip he was supposed to leave for on Friday was pushed up to Thursday. That sucked, but he couldn't do anything about it, so fine.

 

But in the past week, our texting frequency has dropped. And the tone has gone from being kinda cutesy and funny to more business-like and formal. We text maybe once a day. I've been mirroring him, so as not to come accross as needy/clingy. But my last text was yesterday afternoon, and he hasn't responded since then. And I know he's back in town now.

 

So, I'm just really confused. Maybe he's fading out on me by doing the slow, texting less and less thing?

 

Or, does my lack of texting (from mirroring him) indicate to him that I'm not interested?

 

I feel like the ball is in his court to make plans, but maybe I should just try one more time? I'm really not sure how to proceed.

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I don't understand adults who barely know each other texting throughout the day...don't you both work? Yes....the ball is in his court. He canceled on you. Let him get in touch.

 

And he spent the day he got back plus entire weekend. How is that a slow fade.

You need to relax. It is called dating.

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Have you even had the exclusive talk? I figure you're having sex since you spend the weekend together so why wouldn't you want to ensure that you're not sharing at that point? *shrugs* To each their own but jaysus if I'm going to be spending weekends with someone I barely know, then the least I can do is make sure he's not rotating me with another or several others.

 

He's fading on you. Or, at the very least he's letting it know that he's not on the same page as you appear to be.

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We have not DTRed, though I'm pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else. He took down his OLD profile after our first date. Before he left, he was at work until 9-10 every night. Then, he was gone for two weeks and upon his return, immediately spent the weekend with me.

 

As far as spending the weekend together, I was hesitant at first, but figured it was almost like we were making up the dates we didn't have while he was gone —just all at once.

 

I'm trying to chill. But I'm starting to think he's pulling a slow fade on me.

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You assume so much. You expect too much for what he's showing you in actions. Just because he took down his profile it doesn't mean that you were his only contact before he did that. Just because he saw you first could only mean that you were the sure thing and no one else was available. Just because he told you he worked until 10 at night doesn't mean he did.

 

You're gut is telling you something. You're spending weekends together and then after he does the fade on you. Either you keep yourself busy and stop hounding the man and making yourself angst ridden and insecure or you at least have the self-confident conversation where in you let him know that it feels like you're exclusive but this day and age you can't assume and you'd like it verified.

 

If you don't think you're getting the attention like you would get if a man wanted you seriously then you need to find out what the score is and then distance yourself if he can't / won't / doesn't have time ... to give you what you want. You're putting way more of yourself into what you have with him then he is with you. You shouldn't have to negotiate a smidgeon of time and then only get it when it suits him. What is the point in that?

 

You've given all your personal power to him by framing him as the prize. When you're dating early on then you MUST frame yourself as the prize that any man would be glad to have and if he's showing you in actions that he's not considering you the prize then you have a decision to make.

 

*Never mind DTR'ing right now. Rather then get petulant and passive aggressive, have you ever come right out and at least told him that you were dissappointed and that his constant cancelling is not cool with you or do you just go along with that thereby teaching him that he can continue to do this disrespectful behaviour to you. Do you want a man that has clearly shown you that he doesn't have time to nuture a real relationship of more then the sexual kind?

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You've given all your personal power to him by framing him as the prize. When you're dating early on then you MUST frame yourself as the prize that any man would be glad to have and if he's showing you in actions that he's not considering you the prize then you have a decision to make.

 

Very good advice, thank you. I need to lower my expectations (again) and focus on what I'm looking for and think less about what's going on in his head.

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UPDATE:

 

Well, he texted me last night a very brief (also totally grammatically incorrect/misspelled) message saying he was heading home from his trip (so, it got extended?) and did I want to do dinner the next day?

 

I said sure, I was free (which is true - and I'm not free any other nights).

 

But now it's 5pm and I haven't heard a word about the date. If it's happening. What time. Where we're going. Nothing.

 

These are all the signs of a fade. Now, I'm trying to decide among some options as suggested by my friends:

 

1. Text him now and ask if this date is still on

2. Wait to see if I hear from him

 

Then, depending on which of those I choose, if the date is still on, there are these options.

 

A. Don't go at all. Tell him something came up.

B. Go and pretend like nothing is wrong, have fun, take it one date at a time.

C. Go, but have a drink first and ask him nicely about what's going on and if he still wants to keep seeing each other. If he says yes, have dinner. If he says no, leave.

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Had to laugh at "C" to the point that I suggest:

 

D. Get a clue and stop putting your life in his hands and tell him that you're no longer interested in a man that has no time for you so you'll wish him well and you'll say goodbye.

 

Don't contact him. You obviously can't meet up with him and even have that begging type question that tells him you're his string to pull anyway he pleases and you'll go along with it. If you don't know where you're going or what time you should be there How can you even ask him?

 

I really need to ask why you didn't ask him where to meet him or what time he'd be pickin you up when he suggested dinner with you? SMH

 

Take back your personal power and stop leaving everything up to his decision. He's not showing you he values much.

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Wow, harsh, but that's probably what I need right now. I wish I were stronger and could just "next" this situation, but my feelings are engaged. I can't help it.

 

But you're right - nothing good can come of me poking at him. Ball is in his court. Again. If he doesn't choose to play it tonight, I'm 100 percent done.

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Yes it is harsh and very easy to say when you are on the outside because you can see (without emotion) that the relevant party is being taken advantage of. As my friends have said to me about my own situation: 'a relationship which is very much on her terms' and of course they don't work.

 

You may not be able to be that ruthless and I totally understand that but ironically you may be respected more by your man if you can be. It would be easier if he does contact you and then at least you have an opportunity to talk face to face if you wish to take it. Good luck however it pans out.

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I don't understand adults who barely know each other texting throughout the day...don't you both work? .

 

Mhowe, I love you and I'm your biggest fan but I have to defend....texting is soooo common these days and whether its healthy or not, a quicker connection can be perceived (yes, I know perception is not necessarily reality) when lots of texting happens. When someone thinks of you in the morning before work, at his/her lunch break, on his/her way home....its....flattering.

And YES...before you say it, I will...texting is effortless...you can send you "good morning, babe...have a good day" to 12 women/men a morning. I know that. But it kind of is what it is.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't try and chill a bit ...but just to put another lens out there for you. My ex husband and I used to text/call/email allllll day in the beginning. Its one of those things that fades with time (like flowers, chocolate and other 'beginning' overtures)...but its an overture nonetheless.

The guy I dated after my ex texted me all day and I was just swoooooning that he thought of me all day (meanwhile, as I learned about him, he was probably texting 100 girls a day...but that doesn't change that I went through a *fanning myself* phase with him). Haha.

OP, I get you....its hard not to measure anything changes you feel even when they make sense objectively.

Love you, MHowe!!! xoxox

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OMG. I'm a fan of yours as well Sav but: I'm with Mhowe. Texting does nothing to facilitate actually getting to know someone for who they are. You don't see facial expressions, you don't get to notice hesitation, you can lie much easier when typing, you can misunderstand so easily when its only the written word. You can pretend to actually value the other person while really not meaning one word that is said. Words without actions to back them up are just words.

 

Save texting through the day for when your relationship is already established and you KNOW who the person on the other end is. That flirt is meant for you and you alone and not repeated to his entire contact list as a means to keep you hooked. "Honey can you bring over a bottle of Pinot on your way over" because it's assumed that you'll be seeing one another because that's what you do... or "I love you see you tonight" has actual value.

 

A phone call asking to see you tomorrow night is far more showing of how he values you is then 25 texts saying nothing of substance.

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Wow, harsh, but that's probably what I need right now. I wish I were stronger and could just "next" this situation, but my feelings are engaged. I can't help it.

 

But you're right - nothing good can come of me poking at him. Ball is in his court. Again. If he doesn't choose to play it tonight, I'm 100 percent done.

If he calls you last minute (likely when he's been able to ditch the girl he has committed to pfffft) and you go out with him. Let us know what line he used to hoover you back in like nothing is wrong.
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OMG. I'm a fan of yours as well Sav but: I'm with Mhowe. Texting does nothing to facilitate actually getting to know someone for who they are. You don't see facial expressions, you don't get to notice hesitation, you can lie much easier when typing, you can misunderstand so easily when its only the written word. You can pretend to actually value the other person while really not meaning one word that is said. Words without actions to back them up are just words.

.

 

I totally agree with you (and MHowe)...my point was that its easy to feel "closer" to someone based on texting. I've been guilty of that even though objectively speaking, everything you and Mhowe say is 100% right on. I've had to adjust accordingly like some other people who have come before me

 

OP...update?? Did he call?? Did you see him? Are you done?? What's going on...???

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If I had $1 for every time someone agreed with me...I could retire!

 

Texting is fine IN a relationship... to a degree.

 

It is the WORST way to establish one!

 

You cannot tell inflection, sarcasm/joking can be misconstrued... and since it is the same device in your hand....opt for better "contact"!!!

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If I had $1 for every time someone agreed with me...I could retire!

 

Texting is fine IN a relationship... to a degree.

 

It is the WORST way to establish one!

 

You cannot tell inflection, sarcasm/joking can be misconstrued... and since it is the same device in your hand....opt for better "contact"!!!

 

I agree again! (Retirement ahead for you, Mhowe!!) I have to say though that the relationships I make up in my head with my own tone/voice/inflection are often nicer than the actual ones I'm in ;-)

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