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Why would a guy stay with a girl and never want to marry her, then marry later


Sweetestsin92

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I hear these stories how men will be with long time girlfriends, love with them and never marry them. Longtime meaning more than 2 years. The guy always makes excuses for marry, then later they break up due to him not marrying her or other reasons. Then a year later he is married. Why do men do that

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I wouldn't say two years but I have seen men stay with a girl throughout his 20's 7+ years, break up and then hes married within a year..

 

My guess is because he forgets what infatuation feels like after being in an ltr-then meets someone new and thinks "I have never felt this way before" blah blah blah

 

But I doubt many of these shot gun weddings last long

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I tend to believe some people do seem to "settle" in the end. I have come accross a lot of men, boyfriends of friends also who seem very desperate to get married, then after a year or two run onto the next thing. Usually when I have seen it, it is the LTR was too complicated, even if filled with love and passion, so boy leaves, boy meets 'simple' girl who does not question too much and is happy to go along for the ride, so boy marries the easier girl.

 

I'm sure it happens with women too I just don't know any!

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Two of my ex gfs from long term relationships were married soon after breaking up with me. One of them had cheated on me and I dumped her, then she's got another guy and is married within a year. So it does happen with women. There may have been a biological clock component going on with her since she was married within a year after we broke up and had a kid soon after. I was just thinking, "That poor dude doesn't know what he's in for." But maybe she learned her lesson after I dumped her? Who knows.

 

With either gender I also think going through a breakup (hopefully) makes you re-evaluate what you want and (hopefully) you learn something so you approach your next relationship differently. Also I think a lot of people may not see the point of marriage if they aren't particularly traditional or religious, but then when you go through a breakup you see the value of making a public commitment like that. Not that you can't still get divorced, obviously that still happens all the time, but it is harder than just breaking up and there is more incentive to actually work on the relationship instead of just leaving if you are married.

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Also, when a man gets divorced, like myself, you tend to tread carefully around the M word. I came out of my divorce in really good shape, I got all the property, she didn't touch my retirement, I got my son. Presently I am in a relationship with a much younger adorable girl who obviously wants to get married and each time the subject comes up, crickets chirp. It doesn't mean I don't love her, I do. I like owning everything however, and taking that risk after coming out ahead, probably isn't going to happen. I take damn good care of her, she has a comfortable life, she's loved, and I feel that should be good enough.

 

In addition to the above, I am wondering if marriage is a thing for the young. Starting out in life, romance and teamwork are a good match... not that it isn't good for us "old people" but when I got married, I was 23, my girlfriend was 17, and we built a life together. I presently have everything I want or need, but having female companionship and affection is something that makes something good, perfect.

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Yeah, my ex who I was with for many years common law and never married (though neither of us wanted marriage, so it's not a case of someone left because marriage wasn't happening) - has been engaged twice since we broke up. And all through this, still has tried to hit me up to 'get back together'.

 

I think for some people they are afraid of getting old and feel they have to do certain things to prove they have 'grown up' or 'matured'. But even though they are going through the motions of it, it doesn't necessarily mean people know what is going on behind the scenes or that they actually have 'grown up' or 'matured'. Or are even ready and wanting a marriage and/or kids.

 

I don't think it's possible to blanket everyone with one explanation, though. It's unique to each person. It's hard to ignore how often this happens as people get older though.

 

That's why it's so important, I think, ofr a man or woman, to really know what they want at any given time and not be afraid to not settle for less. If you want marriage; don't get together and live with a man hoping it will lead to marriage. Take it as is; or dont take it.

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Over the years I have seen this a lot. Even more recently a guy friend of mine bumped into an old friend of his one evening. He introduced us to his gf and throughout the night I noticed that he avoided her as much as possible, leaving her to talk to people she knew whilst he did the same (and talk to people of the opposite sex he didn't know). She had her eyes on him the whole time. Turns out he has been with his gf for 10 years. I have no idea whether they live together but I do know that they're not engaged or married. That night he asked a friend of mine for her number (not that she gave it to him as she was totally aware of his gf). The next day he and his relationship was a hot topic of conversation.

 

The conclusions is (and I am sure that this applies for most people in this situation) that he is with her for security, companionship and habit but he quite obviously doesn't want to make that final leap into a life-long commitment with her. In reality he is looking out for the person that knocks him off his feet whilst, in the meantime, being happy to plod along in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere because it is better than being alone ... and judging by the way his gf was keeping tabs on him I think she knows this too.

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I hear these stories how men will be with long time girlfriends, love with them and never marry them. Longtime meaning more than 2 years. The guy always makes excuses for marry, then later they break up due to him not marrying her or other reasons. Then a year later he is married. Why do men do that

 

No idea but an ex of my sisters did just that to her. She was devastated by it. I think the men love the women but they do not see them as future wives and mothers to their children, so when they continue to date they probably see someone who could become that and propose. Idk though is what is in a mans mind.

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Maybe they have a lot of conversations about marriage with the longterm GF and this sort of mentally prepares them for the next step, so when they meet someone they think is the "one", they are less afraid to propose. Also, maybe the longterm GF just wasn't someone the man wanted to marry, as others have said.

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I hear these stories how men will be with long time girlfriends, love with them and never marry them. Longtime meaning more than 2 years. The guy always makes excuses for marry, then later they break up due to him not marrying her or other reasons. Then a year later he is married. Why do men do that

 

She wasn't the one, and then he met the one. I don't hear these stories, but it seems straight forward.

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Over the years I have seen this a lot.

 

The conclusions is (and I am sure that this applies for most people in this situation) that he is with her for security, companionship and habit but he quite obviously doesn't want to make that final leap into a life-long commitment with her. In reality he is looking out for the person that knocks him off his feet whilst, in the meantime, being happy to plod along in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere because it is better than being alone ... and judging by the way his gf was keeping tabs on him I think she knows this too.

 

In my opinion, it boils down to this. I had a male friend explain it to me this way ... Marriage to him is important. It is sacred. He wants to marry the girl who ticks all of his boxes ... who feels like the one. His gf is not the one but he hates being alone (likes the sex and someone to spoil him). The crazy thing is that they have been together for almost a decade, live together, and have two kids. When she asks about marriage, he stalls (not enough money, we need to work on our problems, etc etc).

 

Ultimately, I think for women it boils down to having an internal deadline and not waiting past that.

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But I think you are being selfish. Your partner wants to get married, you don't. Therefore you are preventing her from fulfilling important life goals that she has. Which makes you both incompatible. Have you told her you will never marry her? Or are you vague when the topic comes up? What does "birds chip" mean exactly?

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I thought women want a ring on their finger? Just from reading this thread, I don't understand why they would stay in these relationships so long without one. Surely women can sense they are not 'the one' after a while and bail. I learnt this the hard way.

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But I think you are being selfish. Your partner wants to get married, you don't. Therefore you are preventing her from fulfilling important life goals that she has. Which makes you both incompatible. Have you told her you will never marry her? Or are you vague when the topic comes up? What does "birds chip" mean exactly?

 

I was thinking the same thing, but I thought it would be too forward to mention it. I think as long as he makes it clear of his intent to her so she can make up her own mind it should not be a 'problem.' It is kind of unclear if she is aware of his intentions. To stagnate a young woman in her prime is totally inequitable considering that women have a biological and 'prime' dating sale-by-date. Men can waste time in their prime and still have a large dating pool later, but women can ill afford it.

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I've also heard stories like this. Fortunately, I am aware of stories of what happened later. For instance my friend's dad was with a woman for 20 years and did not marry her! She wanted children and marriage, but he kept delaying and delaying. Finally he broke up with her and immediately married another woman 10 months later. The other woman was heartbroken. It's been 10 years since and my friend's Dad is still with that woman. According to my friend, the woman is a control freak, pays for everything, manipulative, plays mind games. According to her, her Dad was attracted to this new woman because she was so different from the other woman he was with. With the other woman it was more of a balanced relationship, he took care of her, she completely adored him. With the new relationship... this woman pays or everything, wants to constantly be in control, etc. According to my friend, she highly doubts this woman is the one to her Dad... just was totally different from what he was used to and had its perks (i.e., having a wife who took care of him, paid for everything vs. being with a woman where he was the breadwinner).

 

Like someone said everyone's situation is different. Saying it's because she is "the one" sounds like a really simple response and doesn't explain the opposite situations. My brother dated his wife for 8 years before marrying her. They are honestly like soulmates, he's a wonderful father and they are very happy. They broke up and made up a few times during those 8 years but he took forever to marry her. According to him, he just wasn't sure she was the one, and it took losing her for him to realize it. My other brother also waited 6 years to marry his wife. They are currently going through a divorce but he is the one distraught and heartbroken over it. Similar to my other brother, they had to break up for him to realize she was the one. And he didn't know if he wanted to marry her cause he wasn't sure and kept wondering if the grass is greener.

 

I think sometimes people just don't know what they want. Like someone else said, a person might be with someone for 10 years, feel a lack of a spark, meet someone else, and get infatuated and it'll just take another 5+ years for that person to realize that relationships become a routine and the spark sometimes lessens. I think sometimes people settle and it's just not an ideal relationship. Also, people go through different phases. A guy changes a lot in his 20s for instance, and may just end up growing in a different direction from that relationship and what he ideally wants.

 

In my opinion if a woman wants marriage then she needs to make that clear after a certain point and learn to leave when it's time (like what happened with my 2 brothers to make them snap out of it) OR the guy needs to own up to what he doesn't want, end the relationship and move on. Either way someone has to know when something is off and make a decision eventually.

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I agree with mbee. I don't think it is as simple as they met 'the one'. People marry or don't for all kinds of reasons. Not all of them are honorable. Not all of them are even about love.

 

Sometimes, I think, it's a matter of timing. There is that old gem about a first serious girlfriend 'lubing up' a man so that another woman will benefit and get a husband.

 

Also, I don't think everyone who is with someone but doesn't marry them, but then goes on to marry someone else, is being disingenuous (like some are - just plain out lying and using) when they say they aren't ready to get married. They may really not be ready at all. Then...for whatever person reasons....they might decide they want to marry later on. There are too many other reasons besides "the next person was the ONE and he/she just wanted her more". There is the fact of different stages of ones life, for some people - it may be for reasons like meeting certain expectations they feel they must, or wanting a kid, or finances, or simply because the next person they meet demands they get married, and rather than leave them, they go in it even though it's bs.

 

I mean, there are just too many factors to say it's as simple as "you weren't the one, but this other one they thought was". It's true that they must have decided, this person I want to marry. But that is about it.

 

I have a sort of friend who was married once, but she overdosed on drugs and died. Together, they didn't want kids. Now he met another woman, and they had a kid together. It's obvious as day he doesn't love her MORE nor even think she is more the ONE for him than his previous relationship (if anything, he is constantly stating how much he wants to get out of the relationship and doesn't like her all the much really). It's just that...life goes on....he's older now and having a kid doesn't seem like it did when he was younger, etc.

 

I am certainly NOT saying ....stay with someone where you want more and they are showing you they aren't ready/wanting to give it.

 

I just don't think it is as simple as people actually know what they want all the time, or that it never changes.

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This is such an interesting discussion!

 

I agree with mbee. I don't think it is as simple as they met 'the one'. People marry or don't for all kinds of reasons. Not all of them are honorable. Not all of them are even about love.

 

Sometimes, I think, it's a matter of timing. There is that old gem about a first serious girlfriend 'lubing up' a man so that another woman will benefit and get a husband.

 

Yep. I agree.

 

I think the taxicab theory from "Sex and the City" has merit, lol:

The taxi light theory is one that is perpetuated by many single women (although try mentioning it to a man and watch his face gloss over in confusion). It goes something like this: a man is like a taxi driver, driving around with his taxi light off, which means he is against settling down any time soon. The minute his light goes on, he's available and the next woman who gets into his taxi (so to speak) is the one he is going to settle down with.

(That's a better explanation than quoting the show!)

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If a man tells a woman that he doesn't want to get married, it means one of three things:

 

1. He never wants to get married.

 

2. He never wants to marry her.

 

3. He's still in the process of wrapping his mind around the whole serious relationship/marriage idea.

 

If I could invent a Tricorder-esque device that would help women determine which of those three is afflicting their man, I'd surely become the world's first trillionaire.

 

I told both of my girlfriends that I didn't want to get married, and they thought it was #3. Just a phase that young men go through, etc. Except...I didn't change, so they left. (Incidentally, one met her future husband while she was still with me, and basically left me for him, while the other sort of...well, we won't go into that.)

 

I think it's wrong for people to use each other in a "good enough" capacity, and both men and women do it, unfortunately. Men know that women want relationships, so, when they're at their "relationship peak" (say, late twenties), it's easy for them to string a woman along and waste her time, just so they don't have to be alone. Women do the same thing to men when they're at their sexual peak (well, technically "visual peak", say early 20s), stringing along men until The One comes along. I maintain that people should be honest about what they want (and don't want)...even though that philosophy sort of screwed me.

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If a man tells a woman that he doesn't want to get married, it means one of three things:

 

1. He never wants to get married.

 

2. He never wants to marry her.

 

3. He's still in the process of wrapping his mind around the whole serious relationship/marriage idea.

 

If I could invent a Tricorder-esque device that would help women determine which of those three is afflicting their man, I'd surely become the world's first trillionaire.

.

 

I would be your first customer! Although, whichever of the 3 it is, the girl would be smart to move on. It doesn't really matter "why"...just that it is what it is, as they say. Its like we want to hurt our own feelings ..."Is it meee or you just don't want to get married at all??

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Yeah, people and circumstances are complex, unique, and change all the time. There's no "one size fits all" explanation for human behaviour.

 

About the gf changing a man for his next relationship, I think this happens to both genders. Especially if they get dumped. Nothing like that for a rude awakening to make people re-evaluate their previous actions. Of course, some people never learn but for a lot of people the end of a relationship is a wake up call or a call to action. Or something.

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