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Where is this going?


GADawg11

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Dec 31, 2013. My wife tells me that she is not happy and thinks that we married too quickly. My wife has mood swings, I knew this, but this one went on for a month and when I finally confronted it, and that reason was what I got. I asked her what is causing the unhappiness and all so far it has come down to the quick marriage. A little background is that we had known each other about a year, on and off and then a solid 4 months, before we were engaged in July. We were originally planning a June 2014 wedding, but that changed we she called me one night in tears and said she couldn't wait a year. She couldn't go through a year of planning with her mother and having to go to school (nursing school). We are young. I am 25 and she is 21, 22 in March. We know we are young, but that wasn’t going to stop us. Anyways, in that phone call she asks if we can get married in August, a month later! However there was nothing standing in my way for me to say no. So we were married in August. Now here we are almost through January and according to her that feeling of unhappiness is still the same, but she feels better that she told me. Meanwhile I’ve been living in misery trying to figure out if it is me or what I can do to help. I’ve done just about all I can. I have scheduled a counseling session in a week, but if it doesn’t help I don’t know what to do. I think my wife expects me to sit around and just live until she decides she is better. I have asked her if I have changed since we first met and she says that I haven’t. I try to talk with her about issues, but she calls our conversations fighting, it’s not fighting. I have never raised my voice to her before and don’t plan on it. My wife has admitted that she has changed, as far as being unhappy. But she doesn’t know what will fix it, or when it could be better. I am hoping the counselor helps. If not, I may become a statistic. I hate to even say that, but we have only been married six months and the last two months have been terrible for me. It is taken toll on me mentally, because all I can think about is our marriage and that I have not been able to fix it and may not be able to. Has any body else been in this situation? I’d like to hear from both sides. There is more detail I could go into, but what I have put pretty much sums up where we are at the present.

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I think it's a case of getting married before really knowing eachother.

 

I think she got caught up in the ideal of getting engaged and married but the reality isn't what she thought it would be. Shes rushed into a marriage and now is starting to question things.

 

Could you get the marriage annulled?

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I'm sorry but it sounds as if you've did your best.

 

You just can't allow her to consume you anymore because she's the one with problem...Not you!!!

 

I would ask her this: Where do we go from here and I would tell her the I just can't take the stress and unhappiness anymore.

 

Take her words to heart and like a man because you have an entire life ahead of you and you can't be happy with someone like her.

 

Reading this is exhausting so I can only imagine living it.

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KarenC, my wife has told me several times that she is the one with the problem, however I look at it as our problem. If my wife isn't happy, I'm not happy. I am very close to asking the question that you suggested, but like I said I want to give the counseling a chance first. I am not too convinced the couseling will help though. When I asked her if she wanted me to make the appointment she said, "If YOU want to." I may be taking this the wrong way, but what I hear in my head is she doesnt want to go, it's only if I do. I get the feeling maybe she doesn't want to work on this issue. I feel like we are only coexisting at this point. we have good days where I can actually get her to have a conversation with me, not about us mind you, but a conversation the least. I know there are some people out there who are just not happy people, I'm beginning to think she may be this way. I am not that way, my job requires me to be an outgoing person where I have to meet new people regularly, however I can rarely get my wife to go to events for work with me. And when I do, she is not very personable.

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It sounds like HER idea of marriage was going to make her 'happier', but she's still sad/miserable?

Not much YOU can do for her. SHE needs to seek help- counselling etc to deal with herself/emotions.

 

there should NOT have been such a rush on this marriage thing...

No YOU may not be able to 'fix' anything, because it's HER. Her problems.. her moods etc.

 

Im sorry this has done what it has for you.. I understand. But she has to deal with herself in a few ways.. just marriage should not have happened the way it did, sadly.

 

Only so much YOU can do.. but you cannot solve her problems for her..

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I am all for counselling, but only if both people want to work on things and get back to the happy place they were once in. Your wife seems to want to back out now and isn't very interested in making it better. I don't think she wants to be the one to say that the marriage is over either. I would still try one session if you can, but make note of her behaviour in them. If she looks interested and eager to learn more then I am wrong, however it really sounds like she's already got her foot out of the door - she's just waiting for you to let her go.

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Sounds like the new relationship and the idea of a white dress and a party lifted wife's existing depression for a time, so she snuck it past you. Now she's back to it, and you're allowing yourself to get taken down by it.

 

I'd get her into counseling so your therapist can give you a referral to the right doctor for a mental health workup for her. If she won't do that, I'd separate.

 

Ruining your own life for someone else is not 'helpful' to them.

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It sounds like you just got married too soon. I doubt a counselor is going to be helpful this early in the relationship because you guys didn't really build on much. I think this needs a nice "sit down" meeting. Set an appointment with her and let her know you want to talk about whether or not to stay married. Heck, bring a list of topics you'd like to cover. At this early stage in the game there really shouldn't be a lot of life altering broken heartedness. This will avoid anybody being caught off guard. You guys were engaged...what...4 months? She's probably just thinking "what the heck did I do???".

A divorce at this point will be super cheap. Less than $250 each as long as you both agree to the terms.

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Bless your heart!

 

I know that you love your Wife and we get married not because we want a divorce in the later years; but because we feel that we'll be together for a lifetime.

 

My advice to you is to just do want makes you healthy because it sounds as if her issues are making you very unhappy and mentally sick.

 

Don't allow anyone to deprive you of your peace because that's our everything and you have to stay well for you.

 

There are people that we will exhaust the hell out of ourselves over and they will walk right out of our lives and into someone else's and never look back.

 

You deserve happiness, Brother...That's all that I'm saying!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

So, just to update. My wife and I attended a counseling session this past Monday. Really didn't get anything out of it though. We addressed a couple of things that my wife and I had already discussed ourselves. I listened closely to what my wife had to say to these topics again. But, after she finished I made it known to the counselor that we had already discussed these issues (helping out around the house more, etc.). And not to say that those things aren’t important, but to me those are not reasons to be in counseling six months to the day we were married. I told the counselor that I have worked on those issues, but that my wife had told me that those were not the reasons that she was unhappy. However, we never really got into that subject for some reason. We have an appointment to go back in a couple of weeks. My wife did say while were in the session, towards the end, that she really didn’t want to be there. So, I don’t know if the counseling will really help anyways. One issue that did come up in the session was communication. I’m not a big talker by any means, but my job requires me to interact with people/market. But I don’t look for things to talk about. She says she wishes I had more conversations with her, and I have tried, but now all I get is a short response most of the time. It’s like there is a short in a switch. Sometimes we are good, but then all of a sudden we are in a “danger zone” again. I really do not know how to address the issues anymore because it just makes things between us worse. She’ll shut down or not want to talk about it, sometime she refers to our discussions as “fighting” but its not. Like I have said before I have never raised my voice to her. I think it is going to come down to me just flat out saying, “your unhappiness is causing me to be unhappy. I have tried everything under the sun to help the situation, including going to counseling. If you don’t want to go to counseling because you don’t think it will work then we won’t, but you have to be able to tell me what will and when things are going to change. If you can’t tell me what will end your unhappiness, then you need to tell me what you want to do.

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Remember the counselor works for you so make sure you talk to your wife and agree on the things that should be addressed in your sessions.

 

Ask your wife to make a short list of the things she sees as the biggest issues and you do the same. Then compare your lists and agree on what you would like to work on in the next session. If you want you can trade off. One session you talk about her biggest issue and the next you work on one of yours. Let her go first though.

 

You are there for help resolving conflicts so keep the list with you so you both can stay focused and not get sidetracked.

 

Lost

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I have made the suggestion in the past for each of us to make a list of issues, however she was against that because she felt it would only do more harm than good. I have tried my best to help out more with tasks around the house and communicate more, but all I get in return is a cold treatment. We ate dinner with my parents last night, and when she came in their house, as we had driven separate, she was going to walk right on by without saying a word, so I say "hey" as she walked by. I pretty sure I heard a quiet "hey" back. I had been gone all day while she was home studying. Th whole time at my parents she did not want to talk to me or sit close to me. My parents even noticed how cold she was being towards me. I just don't understand. I am going to try and wait until our counseling session next week to finally just put everything out there and not hold back, as I have in the past. I want to let her know that I have done all I know to do and that if she is not happy being married that she needs to do whatever she feels necessary and I will not get in her way. I would like for her to be the one to initiate everything. I'm tired and exhausted, and to be totally honest I would be relieved with a divorce at this point.

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I know what you mean about being exhausted. Please don't give in to any demands or make any big decisions without talking to a trusted family member.

 

Avoiding making a list does not make the problems go away. It is like being afraid to ask a question because of what the answer might be. The answer is the same no matter if you ask or not. Make your own list so you can stay on track in the session. If she doesn't want to talk about the issues and you feel they are important then bring them up and let her explain to the counselor why she won't talk about them. If nothing else you can get a great deal out of the sessions even if she doesn't participate. Who knows once you start talking she might chime in with her 2 cents.

 

I have been where you are. Emotionally exhausted, losing weight, physically weak and just wanting the hurt to end. You have to keep people that love you close during this time and let them help and support you. No matter what happens you need to come out the other side in decent shape.

 

Keep posting

Lost

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