Jump to content

My heart tells me to stay but my brain is telling to me to go.. What do I do?


confusedas

Recommended Posts

A little history about us, we met at work about 5 years ago and been friends (with benefits) for about 4 years, during which I have fallen in love with him and has been waiting since then for him to love me too. Well last year he finally asked me out officially and told me that he has known for a while that he loves me. My parents weren't exactly happy with the relationship so I had to move out of home to be with him, he was great and helped me out with bills and groceries and everyone thought we were just perfect for each other.

 

About 2 months ago, he lost his job which he was ok with as he wanted to leave anyway and for the first month we were spending almost everyday with each other and we were happy. About 3 weeks ago though he suddenly change, spending most of his time with his friends, we'd plan to go on dates and day trips and he'll say he'll forget or he's at his friends, the final straw for me was when we had planned to have a weekend away. I waited the whole day to hear from him, messaged him and called him but didn't hear back from him until about 9pm on the day we were meant to leave, he said he was sick and was just in bed sleeping (my first thoughts were whole day in bed without getting up and seeing the messages I sent him, yeah right!)

 

Anyways I told him how upset I was and how I have noticed that he's been standing me up and told him I think we needed a break. He came over the next day and we had a heart to heart chat, he said he loves me but he knows he hasn't been a good boyfriend and its not fair that I always have to pick the pieces together and he thinks it may be time to call it quits. I was hurt and told him I love him and I don't wanna lose him, I thought after that chat that we were fine and he was going to change.

 

Fast forward to now, I haven't seen him in 4 days, and in all those 4 days he's been at his friends hanging out and drinking. He still sends me messages saying he loves me and he misses me but I find it hard to believe when he doesn't even make an effort to come see me or plan something with me on my day off or even just mention when he plans on seeing me. I feel that he is slipping away from me and it's hurting me a lot, I love him and didn't wait 4 years just to give up now but I am now unsure if he really loves me and if there is a future for us...

 

I just want a suggestion or any thoughts about this situation.

 

PS he's 29 and I'm 25

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that it's time to cut your losses and run. You spent 4 YEARS of your life trying to make this work and it hasn't. It is safe to say that it is not going to work out with this guy or it would have by now. Continuing to invest your time and feelings would be a waste and it will hurt your self-esteem. Believe me when I say that you don't want to turn around in 5 years time and discover that you have wasted your whole 20s on a loser who kept mistreating and ditching you. These are the best years of your life. Don't spend it on anybody who treats you like inconsistently. This is the time to learn that when words and actions don't match, you need to run. Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You spent 4 years as friends with benefits?!

 

I think you need to realise your own self-worth and end this relationship, which he has consistently shown you is not a priority for him. Trust his actions, not his words, because words are easy but actions can be hard.

 

I agree with clio that you don't want to waste any more of your twenties on such a man, you'll be glad you kicked him to the curb in a years time!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah 4 years very stupid right, but the thing is right before I met this guy I never even believed in love. My posts probably paints him as a bad guy but the thing is he's not. My parents didn't like him at first but now they love him, everyone that meets him always tells me to hang on to him as he's a keeper. It's just recently and I'm not sure why. I mean before all of this, he'll drive me to work and pick me up everyday, he'll take me out to dinner twice a week, we were happy.. I'm thinking maybe he just needs alone time, you know time with his friends instead of spending every day with me, that's a possibility right?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you are confused about what makes a good relationship. Helping you pay for your bills and driving you to work are not things that you should be citing as proof that it's a good relationship. He's 29, unemployed and been drinking for four days straight with his friends? He doesn't really sound like the type of guy who is looking for something serious with a girlfriend if that's how he spends his free time. And you have to ask yourself what is appealing about him if that's what he likes to do with his life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes we love who we love but if I were you; I would look at it from the blindside.

 

It's time for you to think of yourself as well as the time and effort that you've put into that relationship and just call the quits because you deserve better.

 

You're hurting and/but he's enjoying himself...Think about it!!! You want to be happy too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He's unemployed now but I'm sure he'll look for a job soon, I think he's just enjoying his time off work. He's worked his whole life and saved a lot in the process so I don't blame him for wanting to spend a bit time off work.

 

He's got dreams, he wants to buy a house and have a family. I know it sounds like I'm defending him but I just don't want this to be one sided where I'm the good one, I mean I have my flaws, a lot of flaws actually.

 

I was thinking of giving him until the end of next month and then if nothing changes and he continues like this then it's time to call it quits. I think this is the best way to go?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're probably right, maybe I was hoping someone will say, give him time he just needs space or someone will say I'm too clingy and expect too much and it's not him. I'm sorry. I never was any good at following other peoples advice.. I just can't seem to let go or accept the fact that it's not meant to be

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just can't seem to let go or accept the fact that it's not meant to be

 

That's not an unusual mindset. Look at all the posts here from people who can't let go. I know I certainly have had issues with that.

 

Whether you're clingy or not, he has still flat out agreed that he hasn't been a good boyfriend. And from the four-year waiting period to his most recent behavior, I'd say there is a significant power imbalance in your relationship. It's hard to have something healthy when one person holds all the cards.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He was acting out inappropriately and when he saw light that perhaps you were leaving the relationship with your break, rather than talk it through and realise that he was hurting you, he threw the break-up card at you. This doesn't exactly shout out to me that this guy still wants to be in a relationship. In fact, from what you've said, it sounds like he was acting out on purpose so you would break up with him and practically jumped at the chance to break up as soon as a break was mentioned.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe we can't help who we love, but we can certainly learn that some people are best loved from far away.

 

Sounds like time to invest the rest of 2014 in learning how to value yourself. That doesn't mean you need to view this guy as a villain, but it does mean your true match will be as invested in you as you are in him. This is not, and never was, that guy.

 

Grief is natural, and it's painful, and the only way 'around' it is through it. But if you want to come out the other side of it, you'll need to invest in your Self and learn how to recognize and appreciate your own worth.

 

You are better than this, and you'll understand someday that this is not the loss you believe it is right now.

 

Head high.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You cannot change him, you cannot make him love you. After 4+ years it is time to wake up and realize this guy used you. Its not love and never has been. Love shouldn't be so complicated or messy, it shouldn't hurt. It is supposed to be fun-two people who bring out the best in each other and make each other happy.

 

So many people don't get that. They don't understand that in real love you don't break each others hearts and torture each other emotionally. That is the main reason I wouldn't stay with a cheat or an alcho, a drug addict, a woman beater, or a person who always puts everyone else before me or someone who I fight/argue with regularly. What is the point?

 

I have been in an almost 6 year relationship. 6 happy years-no drama, no trust issues, no BS. Why don't you people raise the bar and set your standards higher

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...