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Almost 10 months! :)


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Hello ENA, it's been a while since I've posted in this section of the forum, 10 days ago I felt a little down but it came and went pretty fast.

 

I still sometimes (rarely) think about her (it's only normal) but before writing this up I honestly had to count 3 or 4 times the months that have passed by lol. It's like the year mark is easier than the 9 or 10 months to calculate, anyways I digress.

 

Starting on a positive note, during these last 10 days really good things have taken place:

- I got my drivers license (I now have 2 drivers licenses, a European one and an american one just got the European one)

- I got another new job at a startup

- I passed all my university exams

 

I am now looking for new apartments with my brother, our goal is to move out in the next 30 days, let's hope I can meet that target!

 

Things have been remarkable for me and keep on getting better. It really feels good to set up some goals, sweat for them and eventually accomplish them.

 

I would have loved to share this with my ex but now it's all for me to enjoy with my friends and family.

 

I think I'm pretty over my ex for the most part, of course it's able to catch me in unexpected moments like it did 10 days ago but it stems from a trigger I haven't yet been exposed to in this case it was contact from her behalf on my birthday.

 

With respect to healing, time and lots of it has really been helping me. I've started opening up my eyes, ears, and heart to other women (I'm still a little guarded with my heart). I believe I'm afraid of finding that deep connection I had with my ex with someone else so I backwards rationalize it to a "I can't find that connection with anyone else", but it's honestly starting to feel right again. It's just a fear of being hurt again I think, however if the right person comes my way I can guarantee at this stage it would not be a rebound. Note: I am not actively looking for anything though, I'm pretty happy being single right now.

 

In any case I just wanted to let everyone know that what is preached works, things do get better: give it time, more time and when in doubt there is no doubt, time and no contact!

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I'm so glad to hear you are doing fine. Can't wait to be at this stage. I just woke up at 5 am again and knowing I still have to battle through all these months ugh. But your post made me a bit more optimistic! But the problem for me when I start feeling a bit better, my inner voice is like 'who are you trying to kid?! stop faking you are feeling good'.

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I'm so glad to hear you are doing fine. Can't wait to be at this stage. I just woke up at 5 am again and knowing I still have to battle through all these months ugh. But your post made me a bit more optimistic! But the problem for me when I start feeling a bit better, my inner voice is like 'who are you trying to kid?! stop faking you are feeling good'.

 

Truly the only thing that helps is time and no contact. What changes is your perception of time and how that time is passing by, at least in my experience. Either it will feel like an eternity or it will pass in the blink of an eye. So the things you do while time is passing by is what will change your perception, so being proactive, gym, exercise, friends, movies, etc.

 

Even if you're not feeling hot, force yourself, early on I sometimes cried in public, I got angry easily with friends, I broke down in the gym, I left university, etc. All horrible things, but I kept pushing myself and kept coming back to ENA.

 

I had my support system, my friends, family, brother, went to therapy for a few months. I joined an NGO, started a few projects, helped my family financially, etc. Anything and everything to keep busy.

 

Time started speeding up eventually: 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, felt like an eternity, then 4 5 6 started going by faster, 7 8 9 ... looking into the past and seeing who you were during this mess and who you are now, is quite comedic.

 

As for the "who are you trying to kid?" don't fall for it, your mind will be doing a lot of mental gymnastics, and there's a member on this forum if I'm not mistaken it's Autumnborn who highly recommends positive reinforcement and affirmations, do them daily for 30 days and you'll start thinking differently.

 

If you've heard of Derren Brown (he's a mentalist, NLP master) there's a cool video on the placebo effect where he uses positive reinforcement and makes the candidates use positive affirmations to change their perception of themselves (recording themselves, talking in positive form, etc) to overcome their fears by making the placebo itself more powerful, really cool watch, it even made me laugh quite a bit.

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Unfortunately, the video is not available! I think I'm just gonna fake it until I make it, to be honest I'm so tired of feeling miserable and crying. But when I do these things I still feel empty, I feel like I'm just running away from the situation if you know what I mean? I must admit, my concentration spans have been suffering greatly so that doesn't help. I'm glad to hear that the months begin speeding up. It is only two months but I feel like I lived mini-life, it seems so stretched. I think may be what makes it seem like an eternity has to do with the multitude and complexity of the emotions. For example, your content happy months prior to the break-up or when you are not in a relationship pass so qucikly because there aren't many emotions? Thanks for your advice and keep pushing on!

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Unfortunately, the video is not available! I think I'm just gonna fake it until I make it, to be honest I'm so tired of feeling miserable and crying. But when I do these things I still feel empty, I feel like I'm just running away from the situation if you know what I mean? I must admit, my concentration spans have been suffering greatly so that doesn't help. I'm glad to hear that the months begin speeding up. It is only two months but I feel like I lived mini-life, it seems so stretched. I think may be what makes it seem like an eternity has to do with the multitude and complexity of the emotions. For example, your content happy months prior to the break-up or when you are not in a relationship pass so qucikly because there aren't many emotions? Thanks for your advice and keep pushing on!

 

Yes, you are correct. It often feels like an eternity because you are adjusting to a different life (one without your ex) and dealing with such painful and complex emotions. The first few months were tough. Egh, I remember those very early days of NC. It felt like 1 weeks was an eternity. Crazy to think how time and NC does make everything much easier and better.

 

However, for me, time hasn't been speeding up. I've been very busy and had some large life changes but life continues to go slow... my thoughts and energy are spent on far more things than thinking about my ex.

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