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Two break ups. Don't know how to grieve / move on right now. Please help.


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Hi all. For anyone who's read my posts, knows that I broke up from an 11 month relationship on 22 Dec, and also from a guy I was seeing afterwards, who I thought was much more suitable, when he unexpectedly dropped me an went back to his ex when she yanked his chain.

 

Believe me I know it is not at all advisable to date anyone so soon. I am 38 yrs old, reasonably intelligent, and always have had several months if not yearly or more gaps between relationships previously. However, I find myself stuck about where I am emotionally. I'm grieving for both. Two very different people and relationships. I can't compartmentalise. It's really screwing with me today.

 

Does anyone have experience with this or can offer suggestions? I'd be very grateful.

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You can look at it this way: you have already been through a lot of grief and yet here you are, still standing. I'm not saying it hasn't been difficult bc I believe it has, but I wanted to emphasize your ability to deal with it. I think you should focus on that: this too shall pass. Who knows, within a year so much can happen. You might be living together with prince charming. Someone who does want to make it work. Keep your head high, and post here if you want for any support!

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I'm sure that it's very hard for you but "it is what it is" and I personally feel that you should allow these experiences to strengthen you to be stronger when it comes to relationships because you have to protect yourself and your feelings.

 

The one that went back to his x had it in his heart anyway so don't worry about him because he was never right from the start.

 

Try to find a hobby and maybe you should just stay away from dating for awhile so that you can properly heal.

 

I hope that you feel better.

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You can look at it this way: you have already been through a lot of grief and yet here you are, still standing. I'm not saying it hasn't been difficult bc I believe it has, but I wanted to emphasize your ability to deal with it. I think you should focus on that: this too shall pass. Who knows, within a year so much can happen. You might be living together with prince charming. Someone who does want to make it work. Keep your head high, and post here if you want for any support!

 

Thanks Lucha. Yeah I am still standing, amazingly! So I guess I am strong in that sense. Thanks for the tip about the long term view too. In a year, who knows? Same goes for us all

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I'm sure that it's very hard for you but "it is what it is" and I personally feel that you should allow these experiences to strengthen you to be stronger when it comes to relationships because you have to protect yourself and your feelings.

 

The one that went back to his x had it in his heart anyway so don't worry about him because he was never right from the start.

 

 

Try to find a hobby and maybe you should just stay away from dating for awhile so that you can properly heal.

 

I hope that you feel better.

 

Thanks, yes defo staying away from dating. The thought of it actually makes me feel panicky and quite nauseas. You're right about the ex too. I think I was so immersed in my own previous break up, my judgement wasn't clear and I missed the red flags.

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You can do this, Peb!

 

We've all had our heartbreaks, and most of us will have more of them. We each get to decide while healing whether we've learned anything valuable--as opposed to adopting a harmful coping mentality--and whether we'll opt for resiliency, or turn brittle.

 

An inward focus, private goals and baby steps toward daily rewards have always been helpful for me during grief, but the most helpful thing was the decision to change my habits of self talk.

 

I asked myself what would happen if my critical inner voice would become a kind and supportive ally instead of an adversary. It occurred to me that this is a decision, not something that 'happens to me,' and I can work this in my own favor if I choose.

 

Become the adult teacher who educates and inspires your fearful 'inner child'. Sounds cheesy, but grieving pain is already as painful as it gets--so there's nothing to lose by observing your scariest, most infantile responses and behaviors over the course of your life from a mature and experienced vantage point.

 

Hey, we all wish we knew then what we know now...so why not use the pain you're already in to heal the fallout that has influenced your life and decision making even through adulthood? Offer the frightened part of you who was the driver of some of your most regrettable choices some of the accepting, forgiving and loving comforts you believe only someone else can provide.

 

Speak to yourself as a kind adult would speak to a hurting child and overwrite the cold and judgmental scripts that have been your drivers for too long.

 

I believe a therapist can be most helpful in this work, but I also believe much of it is intuitive when we're willing to have a face-off with our own pain while we're in it.

 

You're in it, so use it. You're admittedly smart--you may just surprise yourself and come to view this time as one of the most important, confidence-building periods in your life.

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Thanks so much for this. I've been meaning to write a reply for a few days catfeeder, to find the words to do your message justice. However, my brain /energy is such that finding words to sum up is difficult. But I really wanted to acknowledge your wise words. Sounds weird but I am trying to treat myself (when not at work) almost as I would 'someone in hospital', ie. healthy fruit, foods, drinks, plenty of rest, gentleness, fresh air... That's the best I can do for now. Thanks again.

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Yes! Self care is how we teach ourselves self respect. I've read that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Well, the foundational habit everyone can change is the way we speak to ourselves. It occurred to me that I was framing everything with some arbitrary judge and jury in my head, and this formed the kind of critical voice that kept me down.

 

Full life changes come from the inside out, and this can only occur with beliefs and perceptions that are supportive, loving, and as you say, 'gentle'.

 

This begins a domino effect: gentleness soothes the urge to seek attention from others that can drive us to act out. We become more stable and clear. We observe rather than speak or act on impulse. We learn to encourage rather than judge, and when this becomes our primary focus, the kindness we give to ourselves changes the way we operate in the world.

 

This foundational shift in your energy is life changing, and I sense that you have what it takes to use it wisely. There is nothing more liberating than reaching the 'low' that you've always feared. It teaches you that you can survive anything, so there is no need to fight against solitude by grasping onto any relationship that presents itself.

 

Grounded stability can prompt a clearing away of habits and people who don't serve you, while your new energy and calmness teach you discretion and confidence. Allow for the process and trust that your highest intelligence is at work.

 

If you can trust this time of healing, you've embraced the metamorphosis of the forming of the butterfly or classic archetype of the ugly duckling transforming into the swan. Go with it!

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I also know what you are going through. I had a 2.5 year relationship end last April. I didn't give myself enough time to grief and I jumped in another relationship a few months later. That one also ended a few weeks ago. I feel as though I am now grieving for both and I have never felt so lost as well. I've take actions to help myself heal, but it will take sometime. You are definitely not alone! I wish you the best of luck.

 

I read this article that has helped me a lot.

 

link removed

 

That website also has a lot great articles you may find helpful.

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I also know what you are going through. I had a 2.5 year relationship end last April. I didn't give myself enough time to grief and I jumped in another relationship a few months later. That one also ended a few weeks ago. I feel as though I am now grieving for both and I have never felt so lost as well. I've take actions to help myself heal, but it will take sometime. You are definitely not alone! I wish you the best of luck.

 

I read this article that has helped me a lot.

 

link removed

 

That website also has a lot great articles you may find helpful.

 

I'm sorry you're going through something similar too. While I'm accepting that my first relationship had to end, the second one, a nice guy who chased me then went back to his ex out of the blue, has totally floored me. I don't know which way is north. It's really painful.

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I'm sorry you're going through something similar too. While I'm accepting that my first relationship had to end, the second one, a nice guy who chased me then went back to his ex out of the blue, has totally floored me. I don't know which way is north. It's really painful.

 

People go back to their exes all the time, and that's why it's never wise to mess with someone who's newly broken up--especially when you're fresh out of a relationship yourself.

 

There is a full year of milestones to reclaim--holidays, birthdays, all kinds of private ways you and your ex have marked time throughout your relationship. Getting your bearings, grieving, healing all of that stuff can't be bypassed without coming out sideways on your next lover.

 

Rebounding has a whole minefield of consequences, and attempts to bypass those are the long road and the hard way to learning that you're back at square one.

 

Take the time to grieve and regroup. It's ~supposed~ to feel lousy.

 

The only way 'around' it is through it.

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