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Been happy with a few bumps that have me questioning.


Baaron

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Hello, I really needed to get this off my chest. My current girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I love her so much but things aren't always smooth.

 

When we first started dating, I was eager to make it last, unlike my attempts in high school. I made the first move and we've been together ever since. What I didn't know about her was her issues with her family, which I thought I handled well. I didn't see any significant changes til the next semester. Her grades dropped and she always felt down. Turns out, after a trip to the doctor, she has clinical depression. I still thought I could handle it.

 

The relationship still kept going good, except when she had her breakdowns. Each time she got like that, I did my best to keep a level head and help her through it. And after a year, she still tells me that "she isn't used to this kind of love and affection." A few times she said that I'm too good for her.

 

This most recent bump we had was last night. She thought I didn't care about her when I cared about her more than anything. And I counted all the times we went up and down like that. We hardly argue but it tears me up inside when we do. I just don't know if I can keep going with her and her condition. She doesn't want to go to therapy for it or get medication to keep it in check. (She is afraid it will get worse with meds.) I want to stay with her but I also want her to help herself.

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I am not saying that people should just drop partners who have a mental health condition, but if the person is treating you badly as a result and refuses to get help/treatment, then I think people should look out for themselves and move on.

 

Your happiness should not have to be dictated by her moods. A situation like this will suck the life out of you. I would let her know how awful this is making you feel ( in a non-attacking way...use "I statements"... "I feel very low after we argue") . While you can't and shouldn't try to push her to get meds, you could push her to get therapy. If she is in college, most colleges have free Counseling Centers for students.

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I am not saying that people should just drop partners who have a mental health condition, but if the person is treating you badly as a result and refuses to get help/treatment, then I think people should look out for themselves and move on.

 

Your happiness should not have to be dictated by her moods. A situation like this will suck the life out of you. I would let her know how awful this is making you feel ( in a non-attacking way...use "I statements"... "I feel very low after we argue") . While you can't and shouldn't try to push her to get meds, you could push her to get therapy. If she is in college, most colleges have free Counseling Centers for students.

 

I totally agree, and I find it concerning that she is not seeking therapy. She can't get better without help. I agree that you need to let her know how you feel, and how her moods make you feel, I think sometimes people with this sort of illness are unaware of how they impact the other people in their lives.

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You're not a therapist and you know she needs one. I'd make seeing one a condition for staying together, and if she's not willing, I'd let her know that if she changes her mind and begins working with one, she can let me know.

 

If you're not willing to introduce consequences and free yourself, then nothing will change for the better. No matter how bad the drama gets, it will continually get worse.

 

People are not projects we can fix or save, and sticking around is not necessarily 'support,' it can cross the line to dependency and enabling--and if you think it's difficult to get out of this now, you could be in for a nightmare when she escalates to blaming you and holding you hostage with suicidal threats and self harm.

 

If that sounds exaggerated, you may want to consider that avoiding treatment doesn't ever ~improve~ a condition. Read more posts here for examples, and it can help you decide against positioning yourself as someone else's savior. It does not work.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll be strong enough for the both of you to do what is the most healthy thing for both of you.

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