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Don't know how to cope! Help!!


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Okay this might be a bit long but I really need help with this... I need help with getting over someone I love who doesn't love me anymore... I'll give some backstory:

 

So last year I completely fell for a guy for the first time in my life, I had never dated or even had a crush before but I fell for him and he liked me back. I messed it up and hurt his feelings, but I still thought we might be able to make it work... It didn't end up that way... The last year was so stressful and horrible for both of us in life in general and in our friendship, which we continued because we promised each other.

 

The thing is that I started feeling really upset with him because he would always be saying one thing but acting the complete opposite and it was so confusing and frustrating to me, so I decided that I would just bluntly tell him exactly what was happening on my end because really what would be the point of lying or deluding either one of us? So I said that I still had strong feelings for him, that I realised he didn't but that didn't change the fact I still felt it, I said I was sorry. Then I told him that it was up to him to decide if he wanted to stay friends knowing that but if he did then he couldn't be a jerk to me all the time and expect me to be little miss perfect, I said that if he wanted to be friends then I would try and do my best for it to work, but if he didn't then I would respect that and we would not contact each other again.

 

He disappeared for five days after that. Obviously that freaked me out, he came back though and said that he wanted to stay friends and that he knew he would have to put in effort for it to work.

 

Okay so now the point now there's background- I still have feelings for him, but I know that I need to stop or I'll lose him, I don't know how though... Worse a couple of other boys have asked me out and seem interested but I feel nothing for them and catch myself thinking about him and telling stories that involve him... I even feel jealous when he shows interest in other girls... I don't know what to do, everyone keeps saying that it'll go away with time but I don't know if it will... Any advice would be really appreciated!!!!!

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All the while you stay in touch with him, and therefore still make him a big part of your life, you won't be able to get over him. In order to get over him you really need to let him go. It isn't possible to be friends with someone who you still have feelings for. How are you going to feel if he starts seeing someone else?

 

You need to put some proper space between you by cutting ALL ties with him (including deleting him from Facebook etc). You must let go of him otherwise you simply won't be able to get over him or, at the very least, it will be a long and painful process.

 

If the idea of being friends with him is something that you think you really want then you can always reconnect in the future when you will then be able to be friends in the true sense of the word (ie. not be hurt or bothered if he is seeing someone else) …. but usually when we are over someone we become indifferent to friendship with them anyway. Either that or you would have fallen for someone else and the option of being friends with him won't even enter into your head. We often feel the need to be friends with an ex in order to stay connected to them in anyway we can but once we move on from them we aren't bothered by that connection any more.

 

I would put all thoughts of friendship to one side for the moment (you can worry about that later). Right NOW you need to make your priority getting over him and to do that you have to put in a lot of effort. You have to be strong and cut him out of your life. Honestly, I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but it will be worth it in the long run.

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My approach would depend on the reason(s) for the breakup and how it was handled--was I mistreated during the breakup or during the relationship? If so, how badly?

 

This is important, because all the denials or apologies in the world don't erase the fact that when we mistreat someone, we know it. If that person sticks around for more? All respect for them is dead in the water, and it's impossible to be a good friend to someone you can't respect. So if he mistreated you, he's likely to view you as a bit desperate and flakey for wanting to be friends--and that won't inspire good feelings toward you--just the opposite.

 

I agree with ALB that time and distance are necessary healers. I'd thank the ex for wanting to be friends and offer hope that I can be a good friend someday, but for now, I need to take some space and time to get past my feelings. I'd agree to be civil when we cross paths at school or in public, and I'd agree to revisit the friendship idea in a few months.

 

Then I'd leave him alone and work on getting over him. That does involve scrapping all social media connections and staying out of his business--not asking friends about him and asking friends not to discuss him with you or in front of you.

 

I can appreciate not being interested in other guys right now. I'd take the flattery as soothing in a way, but I wouldn't attempt to use anyone as a rebound or to manipulate jealousy from the ex--that stuff backfires and causes a bad rep. A bad rep is even harder to recover than a breakup.

 

If you're 17, what are your plans for after graduation? I'd focus there and leave the whole playing-friendzies idea behind as messy kid stuff. As adults you'll both view one another in a different light, and I'd opt instead to preserve that potential, and I'd make resiliency and dignity and healing my goals for right now.

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Thanks for your advice

 

There wasn't any mistreating, more a lot of misunderstandings that lead to both of us being hurt at one point or another... He's now very keen on staying friends and we talk all the time, I think it's because sometimes he finds it difficult to talk to people about things that matter. The reason I ask is that it's not just me initiating conversations and such and I haven't forced or coerced him into saying anything, I've told him that he can leave and if he doesn't respect me to just go away because I don't want someone like that near me. But he always seems to come to me when he's in a major crisis...

 

I know what I'm doing this year, I finished school last year, I got into a double degree- bachelor of psychology and bachelor of criminology and criminal justice. I've got pretty much everything set up for this year but I guess I do know that if the fighting and him making me worry about him and stuff would mess up my grades.

 

NC might be a good move for me but I dunno, I'd feel guilty if he needed someone and I told him not to talk to me. I'd miss him. I have been thinking about NC for a while though... Ugh I'm so lost

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