annoying "friend"

[somuchcooler]

I am 22 and my bf is 26 almost 27 we have been dating seriously for 2 1/2 years now. This girl and him were friends for 7 years before we met. From day one it was obvious she liked him as more than a friend. Before we started dating she was my friend then I started dating him and she turned on me completely. She always used him for rides to places and money. Like the three of us would go out to eat and at the end of the meal she would beg him to pay and then promised to pay him back later which she never did. He told me later on in person that it has been that way for the 7 years they been friends. I told him it sounds like she is using him and I dunno how he couldn't see that and he just shrugged it off. (this was towards the beginning of our relationship) She started getting really pissed because she saw him less. (well no he has a gf now) She was mad because she honestly expected him to always bring her along when we hung out. It was almost like she was his pseudo gf when he was single. About 3 months into our relationship I told him look I don't like the idea of some girl using him for rides and money all the time. She is 26 now and hasn't had a job last longer then 8 months, doesn't have her license, and dropped out of college. She literally sits at home all of the time. Ughh I just can't stand her. I was always nice to her though. He agreed that she was using him and he said his family noticed it too but he was always in denial. I said I didn't mind them hanging out but the paying for and the rides everywhere (not just places they were going together but more like he was her errand boy) had to stop she was not his gf and my feelings should be respected and come first as his girl. He agreed and she was pissed at me telling my boy that I was controlling and a blah blah blah. I told him look im not saying you can't be friends and hangout but come on there has to be boundaries and he explained that to her. It got to the point where she badmouthed me so much that he said if she doesn't stop he can't be friends with her anymore and she didn't so he stopped being friends with her. Since then she would call/text him once in a while but she was in a relationship so not as often. She just recently broke up with her bf and not she calls/texts/fbs my boyfriend just about everyday about stupid all of the time. She is like I miss you blah blah and she crosses the line. My boyfriend doesn't have the heart to tell her to stop so he is cordial to her when she calls. This has been going on for weeks now. I want to tell her very nicely to please stop texting/calling my boyfriend. I don't want to look like some crazy girlfriend but honestly I don't even know why I would care what she thinks since I cant stand her. I am cool with him having female friends but the difference between them and her is that they are respectful towards boundaries and our relationship and they don't use him and badmouth me. I am sorry about the long rant but what should I do? Should I text her myself nicely to tell her to stop contacting him or what?

[missmarple]

Don't do it. Your boyfriend is a grown man and perfectly capable of doing it himself if he wants to. The fact that he takes her calls and is cordial to her means that he doesn't want to cut her off completely.

You know, you're his girlfriend, not his mum. You can't tell him who to talk to and you can't tell other people not to talk to him...he's 26, not 5.

I understand it's annoying but I think you should stay out of it as long as it doesn't affect you personally.

[BellaDonna]

He needs to be the one who tells her to stop.

 

He is being far to passive in the situation. I think he likes the attention and feeling needed too much to stop it. If it keeps up, I think you should get rid of both of them.

[somuchcooler]

Don't do it. Your boyfriend is a grown man and perfectly capable of doing it himself if he wants to. The fact that he takes her calls and is cordial to her means that he doesn't want to cut her off completely.

You know, you're his girlfriend, not his mum. You can't tell him who to talk to and you can't tell other people not to talk to him...he's 26, not 5.

I understand it's annoying but I think you should stay out of it as long as it doesn't affect you personally.

 

But it is my business because it is my boyfriend so it does affect me personally and just to make it clear he has other female friends that I have absolutely no problem with him talking to because they respect boundaries and aren't rude to me and they aren't trying to get with my boyfriend. This girl used him that is not a friendship and she was openly rude to me and disrespectful to our relationship so yes I would say that affects me personally. It's not like I am asking him to get rid of her for the fact that she is a girl. It is disrespectful to me and our relationship to keep talking to a girl leading her on when she is openly rude to his girlfriend and is obviously keeps calling him because she wants him so yes it does effect me. As his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years my feelings should absolutely come first in terms of other (non family) women. Honestly there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in a relationship and putting your foot down when someone is being disrespectful to the relationship which yes does affect me.

[somuchcooler]

He needs to be the one who tells her to stop.

 

He is being far to passive in the situation. I think he likes the attention and feeling needed too much to stop it. If it keeps up, I think you should get rid of both of them.

 

THANK YOU! Jeez okay after that last post I thought I was loosing my mind. I agree he is being waaaayyy to passive like I was saying she is completely disrespectful to our relationship. Just to make it clear our relationship is wonderful other then this issue.

[bulletproof]

I agree with the others. Do not do anything yourself. He is the one that needs to tell her. If he doesn't do that, then clearly he doesn't want to end the friendship. You can then decide whether that's worth breaking up over.

[somuchcooler]

I agree with the others. Do not do anything yourself. He is the one that needs to tell her. If he doesn't do that, then clearly he doesn't want to end the friendship. You can then decide whether that's worth breaking up over.

 

Did everyone not read when I said she is obviously trying to get with him and has been disrespectful to me many times and has used him. It boggles my mind how people can be okay with a guy who has been with his girlfriend for 21/2 years to continually put some other girls feelings ahead of his girlfriend when she continues to disrespect his girlfriend. IMO he should be defending me to the end and when she continues with her rude behavior (which she did btw) then he should say, "look since you are disrespecting my relationship by continuing to be rude to my girl then I am going to have to stop talking to you." It should not be that difficult. I mean if he can't put my feelings first now then when will he??

[bulletproof]

It boggles my mind how people can be okay with a guy who has been with his girlfriend for 21/2 years to continually put some other girls feelings ahead of his girlfriend when she continues to disrespect his girlfriend.

 

What are you talking about? Where did anyone say he should continue to put her feelings ahead of yours? What I am saying is that he should not continue speaking with her, but he should be the one to tell her that, not you.

[somuchcooler]

What are you talking about? Where did anyone say he should continue to put her feelings ahead of yours? What I am saying is that he should not continue speaking with her, but he should be the one to tell her that, not you.

 

Sorry I misread the response. This is just a really sore subject with me. Yeah I know he should be the one to tell her but I just don't understand why it is so difficult for him to do so if the roles were reversed and some guy was doing the same thing to me I would have put my foot down yesterday and told him to stop calling/texting.

[bulletproof]

Well, the original question was whether you should contact her yourself. I think the consensus is that you shouldn't.

 

From what you just wrote, it seems then that your issue is with him, not with her. It's with him because you are disappointed and let down by his inaction and passivity. That's what you should address, not whether she is horrible or not. Think about it- you just wrote a large paragraph about why she's terrible, with a few comments about your boyfriend. In my opinion, that's because it's way scarier and harder to address the real issue.

[missmarple]

Honestly there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in a relationship and putting your foot down when someone is being disrespectful to the relationship which yes does affect me.

 

Of course there's nothing wrong with that but it wasn't what you asked in your original post..that's why I answered the way I did.

You can set boundaries and put your foot down..and you should...but WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, NOT WITH HER.

[catfeeder]

I want to tell her very nicely to please stop texting/calling my boyfriend. I don't want to look like some crazy girlfriend but honestly I don't even know why I would care what she thinks since I cant stand her.

 

It's not about what she thinks, it's whether or not you want to harm your own relationship by coming off as the crazy possessive GF.

 

This is between you and your BF, not you and her.

 

I'd just tell BF that I've made my feelings about her clear, and I don't want to hear another word about her. He can do as he pleases, but I don't want to know about it, and if it's ever at my expense in terms of time, attention or money that we've agreed to allocate toward something for us, then there will be consequences to our relationship.

 

Then I'd let it go. Reaching beyond that would turn you into a controlling shrew, in which case, his passiveness and your aggressiveness would deserve one another.

 

Head high, you can outlast her if you're smart.