Contact his friends to find out if he's lying

[rhia]

Hello, and thanks for reading.

 

I got to a point where I am in serious trouble in my relationship and I don't know what to do.

 

I am girl 27 yo, been with my boyfriend - same age, on and off for several years now. We were in a long distance relationship and now we are living in the same country (which is neither mine or his home country, I moved here basically for him, and he's been working here for a long time). But we live and work in different cities, and since I moved here last June we used to meet every few weekends and everything went all right. A couple of months ago he even finally he told me he was probably moving to where I live so that we could start living together, but much depended on his job if this was possible or not.

 

Around a month ago he changed his attitude and now he's avoiding me. At first I though that he was only dealing with his problems and that I need to let some time pass. He had let me know laconically that he has been having problems at work and in his family. I tried to be understanding and caring, but he refuses to tell me what exactly is wrong (something like "I don't want to talk about this"). Until the point that I started to actually miss him and I tried to face him and ask if there's something wrong in our relationship, he's become defensive and aggressive towards me and avoinding me even more (not picking up the phone or constanly saying he's busy, etc).

 

I also have a feeling that he's lying to me. For example he told me he had to travel home to his mum who was sick and that he is still there now, but I had several clues (no certain proof though) that he's actually not gone anywhere, that he is just saying so not to have to see me. Now, actually traveling to his city and checking in first person would cost me quite much in terms of money and time, or maybe I am too much of a coward for that, I don't know. Anyway, in our last conversation when I tried to find out by asking him, he reacted very bad to my doubts, calling me names and all this stuff that honestly, he has never done before. At the same time, though, he still made an hint about the possibility he could come here to work, so I am confused about he wanting to break up with me and being just indirect about it, or seriously having big problems that make him so nervous.

 

This situation has been going on so long now that I think I am losing my mind. I think he's been seeing another girl, of course I am not sure, but I have been watching when he's online, what he is commenting and stuff...everything is possible. Talking about it with him is not an option, not only talking with him about our issues, but contacting him in the first place, because he is making himself unreachable.

 

We don't have any common friends because we never lived in the same place for more than 2 months. Of course we have common acquaintance but they are basically either my friends who happen to know him, or some people he used to hang out with whose faces I know, nothing more. So, I have nobody I could ask to about what is going on with him. One part of me wants to end all of this because it's unbearable, but another part needs to know the truth, otherwise I think I will never be in peace. Also he's basically the only person I have in this country and we have made life plans together so he is so very important to me.

 

I had this idea to try and contact his friends, maybe the ones he's been more in touch with (at least online) in the last few weeks. Because I have the impression that his change of attitude is only towards me, not affecting how he is around other people. I thought about asking directly this ONE girl he's been around online for a while, to find out if she is a friend or more. Or to ask any of his friends if they know something about what is going on with him, if he is really facing all of these problems or if he is lying to me because he does not want to talk to me any more. Normally I would have never done so but I reached a point when I can not leave things as they are.

 

I would like to know if somebody ever had a similar situation, and what did they do in this place. Is it totally insane to try to contact his friends for whom I am a complete stranger? He has always been so reserved about his relationship that I am not even sure his friends know about me. The idea of involving other people into our relationship disgusts me, but I am so helpless.

 

Thanks for your patience.

[mhowe]

This is not a man to be making life plans with.

You need only to know he is avoiding you....those are not actions of a man who loves you.

You don't need to stoop to asking people you barely know what is going on.

Your instincts are likely right...you don't need proof.

Now you need to decide to stay in this country or return home.

[CeeLambrini]

Asking anyone he knows or associates with will only get back to him. The fact that you are asking them will instantly ring alarm bells in their head and if they have any loyalty to him, would probably lie for him anyway.

If he has decided to ignore you, then he is very cowardly avoiding a situation that could let you go free, when he knows that your initial reason for being in that country is for him. I think when people drop everything and move to a country just for somebody else, it could put a lot of pressure on the relationship. If you hadn't said "on and off" about the amount of time you've been together then I would argue that actually, it is probably a good step forward, however not living together in an "on and off" relationship is quite intense. Maybe he is feeling guilty that he got you to drop everything and go to that country just for him, only for him now to not want a relationship anymore. It still doesn't excuse the cowardliness behind hiding away from you though.

Bottom line is, if he is avoiding you, then those reasons above are enough to leave him. You don't need to investigate further into a possible affair because what he is already doing is enough of a deal break in my opinion.

 

Does he have a house phone at his place, or a contact number at his mothers? Something that doesn't show your number when you call him so that he'll pick up wherever he is at and you'll know the truth? Doesn't facebook have a "location" when someone sends you a message? Things like that might lead you closer to finding the truth, but like I said - asking his friends will only get back to him and if he is telling the truth then that may be more damaging.

[rhia]

Thanks for your replies. Breaking up for me has always been so hard, I was never the one ending a relationship. Let alone that he was my first and only "real" boyfriend, others before him were just flirts. I think going home is no option for me, I have my job here and if I leave it, I would have to depend on my family and that would only add to my sense of loss and make me feel even more useless.

 

CeeLambrini, I have no house phone at his place, and I don't have his mum's house phone number....and I think

Facebook locator only works if you allow it to show your location, which he's obviously not doing...

[mhowe]

Then start building a social network/friends where you live because he has made it clear by his actions that you are no longer a priority in his life.

[CeeLambrini]

I think you also need to show yourself of this. Don't contact him at all, wait for him to contact you. Then keep a log of each day you are ignored, whether you get a text, and whether you get a phone call. You'll be surprised when it's right there in front of you as proof that you are a very low priority in his life.

In a partnership, you would want the person you are with to come to you when in need of support. Instead he is treating you like an additional nagging problem with which he needs to deal with. This alone is a reason not to be with this person.

[rhia]

Thank for all of your nice messages. I really appreciate your time for me. Basically I know all of this, but I need to convince myself to take the step and end this relationship. The point is that it is all so confusing, he was always the one talking about marrying, about having kids together. And when I try to talk to him seriously he gets all defensive, he sais things like "I am going through such a difficult moment and now you only make it worse"....then I no longer understand what he actually wants.

[mhowe]

It is known as future talk....and until a ring is on your finger.."want to get married some day" is. nothing but words. Stop looking at his mouth...look at his feet. Oh...you can't see them because he is nowhere to be seen!

 

I know it hurts. So take yourself out of limbo and make yourself YOUR priority!

[ParisPaulette]

I would ignore what he's saying and look at the actions. Except when he called you names, that right there is a huge, huge red flag that this isn't a guy you want a future with. My instinct is yes, he's chasing some other woman, but doesn't quite want to break up with you just yet in case it doesn't work out with her. In other words, you've been backburnered so to speak or maybe he's thinking if work lands him in your city then he can have you as the backup plan.

 

Don't ask his friends, they may very well have been lied to by him or they simply will have his back and lie to you too. Or not know what he's up to. If you have friends who you say know him casually you could ask them, but I think you know. And if he's just not taking your calls and when he does he responds aggressively and gets nasty then that's really all you need to know this relationship is over. He may well never say it, because he hopes you will just go away until he needs you again and can call and act all sorry. My ex was the master of this tactic and sadly it kept me hanging on for six years before I pulled the plug. That's six years of my life that could have been better spent than waiting for someone who would do what you're describing. And yes later on I found out it was that every time he would see some other girl he'd want to chase he'd do that to me. So that when things didn't work out with her he could come crawling back all apologetic and claim some disaster or another in his family or at work. Again, all lies as I later found out from a mutual friend who he confessed everything to one night when they were both drunk.

 

I say stop waiting, stop worrying, tell him you don't want a relationship with someone who calls you names and has disappeared and it's over. Then delete and block him and go through the healing period. Don't accept him back even if he shows up since he's shown himself capable of being verbally abusive and often times that means there are other abusive characteristics lurking in the shadows too.

 

I'm really sorry, but if verbal abuse is what you get when you ask legitimate questions and it's long distance can you imagine how he's going to treat you when and if he shows up in your city? Having a long distance relationship unfortunately doesn't let you see the person in day-to-day life, which is why this is coming as a shock to you. If you'd been around him you would have been able to observe how he acts more and how he treats others and it may have been more of a warning. I'd say what you're seeing now is the real him when he feels someone is standing in his way and not letting him slide on bad behavior.

[catfeeder]

[...] he reacted very bad to my doubts, calling me names and all this stuff [...]

 

This is all I would need to hear in order to walk away.

 

Put up with nastiness and name calling from NO one--that's a boundary stomp that makes everything else irrelevant.

 

Respect yourself, and all else will be clear.