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Over Before it Really Started?


akrngrl

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I was seeing a guy exclusively for the past two and a half months, but we hadn't made it official. He has a lot of personal issues, which I helped as best I could with when asked. He was all about "us" and wanting to be in a relationship, but I held off because of his issues. Regardless (and obviously notoriously lame on my part) I still really really liked him. I've spent every weekend at his place (I had to drive to him and we had to use my car to go places because he had sold his and hasn't found a new one). We FINALLY went on that legitimate date I posted about last month this past weekend. As I mentioned he has a lot of personal problems that in the long run I know I'm better off not being exposed to any longer, but I'm still really upset about it. We got along great, and he was the first person I've ever been 100% comfortable around.

 

He started acting weird earlier this week, being short on the phone and whatnot. Then he mentioned in a text that he hated complaining so often to me because it was such a turn off (which yes it is, but you've been doing it for the past two months so what has made you realize this now?) I asked him about his lack of communication and he said everything was fine between us he was just depressed. Then I called him and sent him a text with no response. Admittedly after not hearing back from him for half a day I fell back into my "Well if he doesn't need me I don't need him" mindset and made no further contact.

 

I finally texted him this morning because I left my jacket at his house last weekend and I wanted to get it back before we apparently stopped talking altogether. He finally answered with "You don't want to hang out?" I don't know why, but for once I actually thought "let me communicate like a mature adult instead of brushing my feelings off" so I brought up how he's been acting. I get responses along the lines of "It is what it is, I have my own stuff going on, etc." and then came out with "I don't always have to be the one to call or make plans and take you out and lately that's what it feels like."

 

I don't know if I'm more hurt/upset that it's seemingly over, the fact that that those are his thoughts about me or both. I mean I drove to him & we used my car. Unless I missed some drastic clue, my staying over was always a mutual thing. I've listened to him (at all hours of the night), offered advice (when asked) and I planned the restaurant last weekend (which yes was money he had to spend, but HE wanted to take me on the date). I haven't ever complained about using my car or asked for gas money or anything I just assumed it was even with me staying over and the few times he's gotten us Chinese food. He's asked me for a few dollars before to get breakfast for us, which I've given him and I've always been gracious for food/letting me stay over.

 

We literally went from people who talked a bunch throughout the day and had at least one facetime/phone call every night to this. I'm not trying to be like "oh I've done this this and this for him", but I am trying to figure out if his claims of "having to do everything" are legitimate. I feel like I've tried really hard to be supportive and be there for him, but maybe I'm just better off and should stop feeling so horrible.

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No, his claims are not legitimate at all. I'd say get your jacket back then tell him goodbye. You already know he has issues, he openly says he has issues, you've now gotten a clear look at what those issues are. He was using you as his pseudo-therapist and is now unhappy that being with you somehow hasn't "cured" him or alleviated his problems. And that's the wrong thing for him to put on your or anyone else's shoulders. If he's depressed or has problems he needs to pony up the money for a good therapist or find out how to see someone who will work with his financial situation and stop expecting people to make him magically happy. And as an aside people who spend all of your time complaining and venting and going over and over their problems with you will often do this since they have the idea that if they just can talk to the right person it will all magically go away.

 

In short, they don't want to do the work, they want someone else to make it all better. And when they decide that you can't help them or make them feel better they get really nasty and turn on you. My advice, don't do this again and next time listen and pay attention when someone says they have problems. It's normal for someone to vent from time to time, but no it's not normal or healthy if that's the only conversations you ever have. It's not anything you did except hope that one day he'd change or get better. And you aren't a trained therapist, so knowing how to deal with someone like that is so far beyond your league it's not funny. Even someone trained can have a very hard time of it.

 

Tell him he needs to go see a professional and you aren't playing at being his therapist any longer.

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@ParisPaulette- Thank you! I guess I was relieved in the beginning because we both had the issue of anxiety and for once someone understood some of my feelings because they had them too rather than other people who just didn't understand why I couldn't "Get over it". We had definitely discussed his going back to a therapist and that I wanted him to be in a good place. Granted a lot of things in his life truly aren't fair and he is a good person, but I know from firsthand experience that people have to want to change for themselves and no amount of suggesting or telling someone what to do will work unless THEY want it. You're totally right and I really appreciate your input!

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You're welcome, glad to hear I could be of help. I've been there before, so I know how it can go. I understand completely, but at the same time there has to be a point where you say enough is enough. I've been at the mercy of a few emotional vampires over my life and I know how easy it is to get sucked into it. And no, they don't always have a fair life, but I've learned that not everyone who's had something bad happen to them becomes like that. And when someone does there's just not a lot you can do for them and in the end you're the one who pays the price.

 

I hope you're dealing okay with your own anxiety, that's a hellacious thing to have. I've struggled with it myself over my life from time to time, so take care of yourself first.

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