The nightmares are back :( - Muru's story (TW CSA)

[Muruluisku]

All you kind people, thank you for listening and letting me know you're here with me. And sorry if I bore you with more of my rambling flashbacks/ memories / nightmares...not quite sure what to call them.

 

They are back anyway, after a few better days since writing in here. I wonder if the GP could give me some sleeping pills because I'm getting scared to go to sleep at all? When I wake up from the nightmare I am completely lost from here and now. I'm back in the bad place, being hurt.

*********************** TRIGGER WARNING*********************

 

The baddie uncle has come to me at night many times now. I usually know when he'll come when mummy says she's tired and needs some space. She usually goes to see her sister, my auntie who only lives down the road. Daddy gives me funny tasting Fanta before bed. It makes me feel sick these days but I drink it because it kinda makes me feel better. Sort of floppy.

 

I'm also very good at climbing out of my window and into my climbing tree when the baddie uncle comes. He always has the special rubbery sheet with him so that I don't make mess on my bed. I hate me being bad and bleeding. Baddie uncle says I shouldn't bleed anymore, I should be used to it by now. I kinda am too, I can't hear the other little girl crying in my bedroom so much anymore when I'm up in my climbing tree. And when I climb back down, usually when the baddie uncle pulls the sheet off under me, there's not always blood there... But sometimes there is.

 

I also make sure I put my knickers in the rubbish bin in the morning if there's blood in them because I don't want mummy to take me to doctor's again. I make sure the knickers are well hidden in the bin so mummy won't get angry with me. Mummy buys me more knickers and sometimes she asks what happens to them, why do I always run out? Usually I don't say anything, sometimes I point to my dolls so mummy thinks they've hidden my knickers. I don't like dolls anymore. The baddie uncle tells me I'm his doll.

 

Whe he's been to hurt me at night I don't want to do anything the next day. Mummy has started to do childminding so that I have other children to play with. In this country children don't go to school until they're 7 years old. They start pre-school at 6. Mummy says I should play with the other children. Sometimes I do but if the baddie uncle has been to hurt me I just want to lie down on the sofa and watch the others play. My body often feels burning or sometimes I feel really cold and shivery the next day after the baddie has visited... Mummy sometimes gives me Calpol and says I shouldn't stay out in the garden late at night because that's how I catch these colds. I like to climb up into my climbing tree and stay there until it's bed time. It's safe there, no adults can get there.

 

I try my best to be good so that mummy doesn't get tired of me and go to see her sister when it's bed time. I'm not very good at being good. When it seems I'm doing okay and the baddie uncle hasn't come for many nights I do something stupid like knock over my glass of milk, shout or giggle too loud with the other children, can't finish my dinner or get my clothes dirty or ripped in my climbing tree. I hate being bad but I don't seem to be able to stop it. Just when I think I'm doing alright the baddie uncle comes at night and I remember something I did that day or a few days prior was probably why he had to come and punish me. He says I need to be taught a lesson for being bad. He says if I tell anyone something really really bad will happen. I'm not sure what that would be, but things are bad enough, I don't want them to get worse. Sometimes I make myself hurt to see if the baddie uncle would stay away if I hurt myself first. I make myself fall off climbing frames, knock my head on the sharp corner of a table, scrape my knee or arm against a sharp rock to make me bleed. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.

 

Even though I'm 27 now and should know that it wasn't my fault I feel like I'm just bad to the core. No matter how hard I try I mess things up and then I wait something bad to happen. I still hurt myself just in case I can stop something worse from happening by doing it.Does anyone else do that? I know it doesn't really make logical sense...

 

[Seraphim]

Honey, therapy will help you with all these things. I had nightmares for almost 35 years. I almost never have them anymore. I did a therapy called EDMR. When you get a therapist ask them about it. I have PTSD and a panic disorder but I am AMAZINGLY better with therapy.

 

Here is a list of the ones I have done.

 

CBT

EXPOSURE THERAPY

TALK THERAPY

EMDR

SOMATIC EXPERIENCING

 

Your counselor can decide what is best for you. But you CAN get rid of the nightmares.

[SooSad33]

Yes, I can understand... you've done self harm for a while now and this is why.

 

If you work on continuing with your therapy, hopefully you CAN get over your past. I Know how horrific it is..poor you

[Muruluisku]

Thank you both for your encouraging and compassionate comments, makes me feel a bit better.

 

*Hugs to both*