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I was the SIDE CHICK and didn't even know. How can I feel better?


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I've been flirting around with this guy for a long time. He always wanted me to go get naked and I did, but we never had sex. I dont like him but lately he's been really nice to me and I started falling for him. He called me beautiful and amazing when I felt like nobody and he told me he loves me. Yesterday we were sexually flirting too. He started making dinner, so I randomly went on FB to add him cause I'm rarely on it. I was shocked to see he's in a relationship with some girl, and to see he's been with her for 3years. And they live together. He always hung at my place. I told him I know about his game and he didn't tell me why he did this with me, he just said sorry. I feel like she's better than me now and I feel used. Help me

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You are shocked and hurt and that is understandable but it doesnt mean that she is better than you.

 

Learn the lesson from this that you need to get to know someone properly before believe everything they tell you and definitely before you get naked for them.

 

Walk away now before you get even more drawn into his web of lies and BS.

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So now you know he's a cheater. That little comment that you don't like him is your gut telling you this guy isn't likable. Go NC and send his butt packing I say and tell him if he comes near you again you'll file a restraining order.

 

How can you not like him and yet be falling for him? Those two don't actually go together, you may have enjoyed the attention, but trust me the attention of a cheater is not flattering or anything desirable. Oh and love the whole "sorry" thing from him. Sorry what? Sorry I'm a cheating who wasn't going to tell you I had a girlfriend? Shhhh-yeah please. You can do better, so much better. Don't give this one the time of day.

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This isn't about him; this is a self-esteem issue that you have, and you'll keep ending up in situations like this if you don't address the issue.

 

You "don't like him," yet you were willing to take off your clothes for him, and then you "fell for him" because he said some flattering things to you -- these are sure signs you need to work on your self-esteem. That feeling of not liking him originally was a gut instinct thing; you knew he was no good. You proceeded, though, because his flattery, saying he "loved" you (you know he really doesn't, right?) gave you temporary relief from your feelings of unworthiness. The thing is, you CAN'T look to others to determine your worth. Your self-esteem can't be derived from others' opinions, words, actions, etc. It has to come from YOU.

 

His girlfriend isn't "better" than you; this, again, is your low self-esteem talking. This whole thing has nothing to do with her or who she is. He's just a jerk. A jerk AND a cheater. He probably saw you as someone he could manipulate because he picked up on your need for validation. He sensed that you don't value yourself enough, and he preyed upon that. YUCK.

 

You need to stop talking to him, like, YESTERDAY. And, once you do that, you need to work on finding ways to base your self-worth on things other than what a man thinks or feels. You deserve better than this creep, but you have to believe that, and act like it, so that creeps like him won't even bother with you anymore.

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Here's what you say if he contacts you again (and he probably will):

 

"You have a girlfriend, and you've basically been cheating on her with me. This is unacceptable to me. I am not interested in being something "on the side" for you; I am worth more than that. Please do not contact me again."

 

You have to back it up with actions, though, which means NOT contacting him anymore or accepting his contact. This bothers you because you KNOW, deep down, that you are worth more and that you deserve more than this. Now act like it and cut this guy off. He's a pig.

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Oh I'm 18, he's 20.

 

Ah, OK, this makes more sense now. Not to insult you, but it's a lot more understandable considering your age. If you were over 21, I'd be shaking my head big time.

 

My advice is the same, though, regardless of your ages: He's a cheater. He's not interested in you for anything other than something physical. He's telling himself that just seeing you naked isn't cheating because in his immature perspective, it's not cheating unless he actually has sex with you. YUCK. Are you hoping to have a boyfriend? If so, you need to cut this guy off immediately so that you will be available to pursue better options. This one's no good.

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Okay. I know that at 18 you are just figuring out who you are, etc. So this is a crucial time to start building some self-esteem. Put the hooking up/dating stuff on the sidelines for now, and figure out what you like about life, what you love to do, etc. It will make a world of difference if you have good habits and friends that you can fall back on. You should never feel like you have to be treated this way.

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What do I even say to him?

 

You don't say anything to him, but get out. Then you block and delete him. Seriously trying to talk to a cheater ever just opens you to one excuse after another. And since he's cheating and lying he's probably pretty good at being all convincing and sincere about how it's all over, she's crazy, he's only staying with her because her dear auntie is dying, blah-blah-blah, lie-lie-lie, cover his butt, cover his butt, manipulate you, manipulate you.

 

I know you're only 18, but now is the time to open your eyes to the ways of the world. A cheater can't be trusted ever and there is never any reason to cheat. It all comes down to either pure cowardice on the part of the cheater who hasn't got the nerve or the sack to end a relationship they aren't happy in OR it's pure malicious intent in which they see all others as things to be used for their pleasure and amusement. It isn't anything else. This guy wants to have sex with you, he didn't do anything just yet because he was grooming you to feel safe with him and let your guard down. Also he's seeing just how far he can push things before the girlfriend gets wise, so at that stage of the game even if he got caught he could say, "Nothing happened" and keep a straight face and look her in the eye, because yes in his twisted little universe nothing did happen. Yet.

 

Just kick him to the curb, you don't need to talk or understand every loser you come into contact with. Something I hope you figure out sooner than I did as a young woman. It will save you a ton of heartache and possibly some POed woman coming after you too in the heat of the moment.

 

And work on your self-esteem too, cheater, manipulators, liars and conartists look for people with low self-esteem that they can flatter and BS. You are walking around with a target on your back for these types of people if you really believe you are nothing, so go get some counseling or do something that makes you feel good about yourself that doesn't involve someone making you take your clothes off or flatter you. Talk is cheap, you need to pay attention to the way people are and their actions, not when they tell you what you want to hear.

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oh my god don't compare yourself to this chick! how can she be any "better" than you she lives with someone who cheats on her.. move on with your life and be thankful it only went as far as it did. that guy sucks and doesn't deserve any more of your brain space.

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I'd be more interested in my future and completing college than prancing around at 18 naked in front of someone.

 

There is nothing about her post that makes me even remotely think she was "prancing." I don't think shaming the poster helps her much. She's eighteen years old, have some compassion.

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Agree with bulletproof on this one. She was being manipulated by a player and is still young enough and naive enough to not realize that's not how you get a boyfriend.

 

And to the OP, sweetheart if no one has ever told you this before I'm telling it to you now, guys who ask to touch your boobs, who ask you to get naked in front of them, who have another woman somewhere deserve to be kicked to the curb and nothing else. Don't hold back, be aggressive about defending your right to have a guy who respects you and your body and your mind. All others need not apply and if someone whines about how mean you are or gosh their GF/wife/So says it's Okay tell them to pull their big boy pants on, go talk to their SO about why they're a cheater, then slam the door in their face. Seriously, you will come to despise anyone who whines or snarls at you about what a (blank) you are because you don't let them walk all over you. You deserve respect. Even if you don't feel like you do, even if you are shaking in your boots to do it, just do it. You find out acting confident, acting like you own the street and your life, refusing to put up with bad behavior from others will soon have you believing and feeling it.

 

Toss Mr. Trash in the trash where he belongs and don't accept anything but people who show you respect. You'll be fine.

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