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thought he was sorry, then blindsided


Lady42

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Update from my last post where the guy I was talking to blew me off at my little birthday get together:

 

The next week he spent the week contacting me and apologizing, to which I didn't want to hear it. Finally he showed up at my house and apologized, admitted he was an ass and a jerk and said he was going to try harder etc. So stupid me, I believed him.

 

A few days went by and things were fine but then old patterns started coming back. THEN I invited him to an event that was very important to me and he ended up coming... we had a great time at the event for the most part, then when we got back to my place we came in and were laying in my bed cuddling... I was being very loving towards him like squeezing him, kissing his cheeks, and stroking his hair telling him I'm glad he was there. He just laid there with his eyes closed... ALL OF A SUDDEN he literally flips out. Literally out of no where he starts pointing out like every perceived negative thing about me possible. (Most of them work performance related because we work together) Some of them were extremely exaggerated etc. I was literally in shock... Then when I calmly was like "I honestly don't know what you're talking about" he flipped out even more that I'm blind and can't see my behavior etc. then when I tried to defend myself he got even more mad and left.

 

After he tried to call me 5 times but I didnt answer. The next day I texted him and was really upset and confused. He pretty much blamed me for not understanding and said "I hate that I like you so much" and that were at a dead end.

 

I don't even know what happened or what to do at this point...

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Something is really wrong with this guy. Honestly, when I read this, I had to check your location to make sure it wasn't my ex you were talking about. He did similar things occasionally -- would go into this really strange Jeckyll and Hyde mode and act like his behavior was totally reasonable. *shudder* And, I work with him, so things were weird for a long time.

 

Too much drama here. You're not in a relationship with this guy, so I don't see the point of even trying to fix this, and honestly, even if you WERE in a relationship with him, his behavior isn't normal, and it will probably get significantly worse over time. He sounds, as CeeLambrini said, like someone who needs drama in order to feel "alive" -- he can't deal if things are calm and peaceful for too long. Red flags flapping in the wind here. Sirens a-blarin'. End it now, or you'll be here for the next several months -- or longer -- continually lamenting this guy's terrible behavior and trying to figure out "why." The "why" is easy, so I'll spare you all the trouble of analyzing: He's nuts.

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On another note, the "I hate that I like you so much," just on it's own, is a sign of addiction to drama. My ex used to make dramatic pronouncements like this -- some of them were of this type -- the sort of "backhanded compliment" where he's sort of paying you a compliment, but then it's a negative, too. Sometimes, they were out and out positive, but in a hyperbolic way that, in hindsight, just reeked of drama, drama, drama. Usually, not too long after he showered me with hyperbolic praise, he'd find a way to get in some equally dramatic, nasty dig at me. This is a sign of an emotionally immature, unhealthy person, and it's not going to get better. The good news is you're seeing this early on and recognizing something's wrong -- you can get away from this guy before it's too late. I hope you will. I hope you won't make excuses for his behavior or try to push it aside and focus only on the "good" stuff. This is a recipe for heartbreak.

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Oh, goodness -- after reading Ms Darcy's response, I went back and realized that I responded extensively to one of your posts a few weeks ago (I didn't realized you were the same poster).

 

Go back and read that thread -- the one from early January. My advice still stands. There's a reason you're hanging onto this guy that has little or nothing to do with him. You have to believe you deserve better and act like you believe it. That will prevent you from attracting -- and being attracted to -- guys like this one in the future.

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Nutbucket alert! Seriously, this guy has some BIG issues... drop him and don't look back... And given that he works with you, it is REALLY dangerous to get involved with him because he could start spreading rumors or lies about you at work because he is so unstable. Just bow out of this situation and don't agree to meet him again. If he asks why, tell him you've thought about it and it is not a good idea to get involved with people at work, so better to just cut it off.

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Because he's a total nutjob and you, foolish girl, keep thinking that because you like him that hopefully he'll change. He won't. Seriously, you're on the bed, it's all going great and suddenly he flips out on you??? What.the.you know the rest. He's either a) got a guilty conscious about something or b) is one of those nutjobs who believes he's not worthy of love and so will attack anyone he perceives as showing him love. Neither one of these is anyone you want to be with. Oh and the whole "I wish I didn't love you" run, just run whenever someone says that. It means they are grooming you to accept that this is how they show their "love" to you. In short, he's pulling out the stops to see what you will or won't put up with and he's going to continue to escalate it. Possibly into something much, much, much worse.

 

And the whole going off on you and verbally abusing you will.not.get.any.better. It will however get worse and continue to get worse. Sorry, he has shown you now several times that he can't be trusted and that he will turn on you in the blink of an eye or for no reason that you can see. That is crazy and you continuing to let him stay with you and you believing him when he apologizes and says it won't happen is the very definition of insanity--i.e. continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.

 

Seriously it is time to shut the door on this one and move on to one who isn't buckets o' crazy. And I don't say that expression lightly except in cases where yeah it's insane. Otherwise expect to be regularly blindsided by him one way or another as he continues the standard cycle of an abuser mistreating you then apologizing, mistreating you and apologizing, rinse and repeat.

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Thanks for the responses.

@browneyedgirl, I actually screen shot your response from before and I refer to it often.

I guess I just got caught up in his apology and thought he was sincere, and the fact he reverted was somehow my fault.

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Not your fault at ALL -- well, except the part about sticking around for his nonsense, but most of us have done that at one time or another.

 

He WILL apologize and act contrite. And that will last for a bit...until he starts acting like a maniac again. After awhile, he'll start acting like a jerk more and more often untik the good qualities you THOUGHT he had seem to have entirely disappeared. Meanwhile, you'll have been riding this awful rollercoaster of emotions, and you'll be miserable.

 

He's got issues. I think Paris Paulette's post zeroed in on a couple of really significant possibilities -- the lashing out at anyone he perceives might love/care about him because he feels unworthy of love, etc. You can't fix that. Only he can, and he most likely won't -- he'll just move from woman to woman, wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of broken hearts and bewildered women behind.

 

The good news is, you know this now -- your eyes have been opened by his behavior. Don't make excuses for him. Don't dismiss these little outbursts as flukes; these are part of who he is, and that's not going away. And, it won't get better as time goes on -- it will get worse. You can't fix it, or him. We can all only fix ourselves, hence my advice on your other thread to examine why you think you have to stick around for this kind of treatment. Take him totally out of the equation and look at why you think that sticking around and hoping this will get better, that he'll be the person you want and need him to be if you just love him enough, is a good idea. Love, despite what movies and books tell us, doesn't magically fix damaged people. They have to work toward loving and fixing themselves, and a lot of people don't want to put the energy and emotional effort into doing it because it's easier just to stay the way they are.

 

I have significant, painful experience in this area. I probably cried more in the few years I was mixed up with my last ex than I had cried in my entire life up to that point. I had to hit an all-time low in order to wake up and realized\ that I was taking his crap because I didn't value myself enough not to. Now, I do, and it's made such a dramatic change in my life. I hope you won't get to the point that I did. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was really, really disgusted with myself that I had put up with what I did and hung on so pathetically to someone who didn't want to be with me. I feel sick even writing about it now. Don't do what I did, please!

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If I were to guess, this has less to do with you getting caught up in his apology and more with you being afraid of being alone.

 

Yes, or being afraid that his treatment of you "proves" something negative that you already think about yourself. For me, it wasn't so much about being alone; it was about what I thought his treatment of me said about me -- something I had already mostly convinced myself of: That I wasn't worthy of real love --from a man or anyone else. This lie is one that I had told myself for YEARS, and I know now that my ex's rejection of me was either 1) My way of confirming it for myself -- "SEE! I AM unlovable!" or 2) My way of trying do dis-prove it: If I could get such a difficult person to love me, then I MUST be lovable, right? Either way, I was setting myself up for heartbreak and failure. It was a lose-lose situation.

 

This is why I strongly suggest doing a lot of introspection/self-evaluation -- asking yourself hard questions about WHY this guy's affection and validation is so important to you. The answers to those questions, I can assure you, are entirely unrelated to him and who he is.

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Please read the following article on the signs of an abuser:

 

link removed

 

I suggest you cut all ties immediately and get yourself to counseling so that you can strengthen your awareness of healthy boundaries. You do have some awareness, but you are not completely trusting it. Please cut all ties- it will likely save you trauma and maybe even your life!

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This guy will start rumours about you because he won't want you around to remind him of what a jerk he has been and so you dont tell everyone whats been going on. Be prepared and start looking for a new job and soon.

 

Also, while you were there stroking his hair and kissing him etc, he was angry and thinking hateful thoughts about you. It didn't come out of nowhere.

 

Dont go back.

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Thanks everyone. I'm hoping I'm strong enough for this to be the last time I let him manipulate me.

 

@calichick007, nope, this is someone different. I work in a large office. No one knows about this one, and we had been friends for over a year before we became romantically involved. (This one started in Sept 2013)

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