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Can't figure him out. Has he lost interest?


nadinefleur

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I started dating a guy back in October, he was really sweet, lovely and a true gentleman.. which is pretty rare to find these days. On our first few dates he paid for everything, didn't let me, we had great conversation, had many common interests.. and he waited until the third date to kiss me.

 

We both went away for a few weeks over the holidays to visit our families, and he said he wanted to get to know me better and see me when we returned. When we were away he was in constant communication. Asking me what I was up to, messaging me continuously every day, sending really long messages with lots of detail (rare for a guy), sending me photos.. having a laugh.

 

When we returned in the new year he asked me out again, and we had a wonderful few dates. We had sex which was amazing, I felt very comfortable with him and felt we were closer and connected.

 

Now, I must add that he is pretty shy... when he first kissed me I could tell he was very nervous. And he hasn't once told me that he likes me (although I could tell from constant contact, the way he was so affectionate with me, and the way he treated me that he was very into me). Also he hasn't told me what he thinks of me or us, ie.. hasn't told me if I'm beautiful, funny, sweet... or told me if he's happy or what.

 

Before we had sex I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said no he wasn't, and I believed him. However, now that we have had sex... he isn't making much effort anymore, not contacting me as much... and not even initiating dates! I initiated the last two.

 

Now of course I take this to mean he has lost interest... After I last saw him, I didn't hear from him in 3 days when he finally text me asking how my weekend was. I was so disappointed!

 

Usually when you first start dating someone, you are in the honeymoon period and you want to see them all the time and contact them all the time, and make plans... He hasn't been doing this.

 

Now, I wasn't sure if he was playing games or not, but I decided that I'm too old for this.. I've been in relationships before where its all a guessing game and I can't be bothered with that anymore (we are both in our mid to late twenties)

 

So I replied to him and told him that I was confused by his behaviour, that he was in constant contact with me before and now we've had sex I don't hear from him. I need to know where I stand with him and I told him I really liked him

 

His reply was that he has been really busy with going out and work and that he was really sorry that I took it the wrong way.

 

I couldn't believe he didn't acknowledge where I told him that I liked him, nor where I asked him where I stood with him.

So I didn't reply, I didn't know what to say!

Then later on in the day he messaged me again asking when he could see me again.

 

Its so weird, also he knows I'm not the type to sleep around, so sleeping with him was a really big deal to me..

 

Could it be possible he was playing games, ie. not contacting to test me for my interest, and now that I called him out on it he didn't know what to say except say he was busy?

 

I haven't replied, because I don't know if this is just casual sex for him, I don't know if he likes me or where I stand, I don't know if maybe he is really bad at expressing his emotions... I gave him a chance to tell me, and all he could do was explain his behaviour to me like a naughty boyfriend which isn't what I wanted!

 

He knows I am ignoring him now..

 

What do you guys make of this? I really like him, but I just can't figure him out or where I stand!

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The question about where you stand should have been asked before you slept with him. I'm not saying that sex was all he wanted from you but the change in his behaviour shows that it's either that or, because you slept with him, he feels he doesn't have to put in as much effort as before.

I don't think he was playing games...you slept with him, you initiated the next 2 dates, what reason would he have to play games?

As things are right now, I only see one thing you can do. Go out with him one more time (if you're still interested, that is) and ask him in person what he thinks about the situation, what he wants from you and if he sees what you have as dating or the beginning of a relationship. In a few words, do what you didn't do in these 3 months you've been dating: communicate. If he still won't answer your questions, tell him ok, it was nice meeting you..and move on.

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You have to understand that once you sleep with someone it changes the dynamics of the relationship. It just does. It sounds like he is just a slow boiler....not that he's not interested. Lighten up on needing to know where you stand. You had sex.....it doesn't obligate him to you. Now don't get me wrong, as a woman I empathize. Men need to invest in you emotionally, at least for a while before they I'll commit to you.....this is why he was so gung Ho before you had sex....he still had in invest in you. Now he's gotten the 'prize'.....so hold off and let him move toward you. If you continue asking him about the 'relationship' he will likely disappear. So for now.....just pull back and see what he does.

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At this stage I would say that yes, once he slept with you his interest died. It happens and some guys and gals for that matter, are like that. They enjoy the chase, the buildup and then when they get the sex or whatever it is they wanted from you they move on. I wouldn't contact him again, I'd let it drop and start dating others. You've noted a distinct change in his behavior and no, at this stage of the game you're right, he should be wanting to see you more. Not suddenly pulling out the tired old excuse of "I'm busy at work" since presumably unless you can see some major event where that makes sense like he's a rescue worker and they just had a major flood in his area or he tells you five people suddenly quit at his job then yeah, it's an excuse.

 

Sorry, sometimes it just is what it is. I say it's time to move on and stop contacting him altogether. He went through the motions of saying the right thing, because possibly he wants you as a backburner, but that's not enough to keep trying to stay in touch with him. Move on to someone who will be thrilled to pieces the relationship went to the next level since yeah, at this stage of the game he should be breaking your door down to spend time with you. Not claiming he's busy with work. (Rolls eyes)

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My heart goes out to you. Yes, sex changes the whole dynamic of most relationships, and that's why it's a good idea to prepare yourself for that--and your potential lover for that--before you have sex going forward.

 

I know myself. Once I'm sexual, I'm vulnerable and tender and self conscious. So since I know this about myself, I make sure I'm positioned where I want to be in a relationship BEFORE going there. I don't mean I've gotten affection and interest and I've drawn conclusions about where the guy stands--if I haven't reached a point of comfortable communication with a man and know exactly where he stands with me, I won't get sexual. Period.

 

Head high, we live and learn.

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I think his interest may have waned, but it hasn't completely stopped. You need to do a few things...

1. You need to own the part of you sleeping with him, and know that you mad this choice because it's what you wanted to do, because you enjoy it, and not use it as a tool to gain more of someone else's love or affection.

..once you can understand that, you can see clearly that he may/may not be contracting you a similar amount as he was before, or he hasn't. Sex seems to cloud the judgment.

2. You need to reply. He didn't text for three days, yes, but he asked how your weekend was and then asked to see you again... Be busy, don't be so available, but do make a plan for a date, something fun where you can connect and get to know each other more and not int he bedroom again.

3. Not sleep with him again until you are ok with doing so without using it as a guide to his affection.

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I want to be clear that I didn't sleep with him to get him to like me more, or to feel closer to him. I slept with him because I felt like we were heading into the right direction, and because I enjoy it and because I wanted to! I understand that women get emotionally attached after sex, and I knew I would.. but I thought it would be ok because of his behaviour before we had sex, I didn't think he would pull away! Never happened to me before!

 

Now I haven't replied to his text, because 1. I told him I liked him he didnt say it back. 2. I asked where I stood, he didn't say anything. 3. He explained himself and apologised, which isn't what I wanted - he's not my boyfriend and doesn't have to explain himself to me.

 

Its been a few days since he text, and its clear I am ignoring him. So I don't know what I would say to him now to explain why its taken me 3 days to reply to his text.

 

All of my friends say he isn't good enough, that he should have texted me in those 3 days and if he really liked me he would have text me the day I left his and made plans with me the day I left his... not wait 3 days to text me. They say I should ignore him and not reply.

 

Now I don't know what to do !

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You don't have to "not reply" but you don't have to continue to date him either. I would agree his level of interest changed and it seems like yours has too and for fair reasons....he didn't reciprocate that he's interested, he didn't ask you out again or make contact for days and he didn't answer your question about where you stood.

I would definitely feel the same way you are feeling after having built up some feelings. I would probably let him know that I was no longer interested rather than just blowing him off. If you are still interested, you could say "my apologies for the late response. I was a little disappointed that you didn't acknowledge what I said when we last communicated...I am still interested in getting to know you more and hope to hear from you". Then you have to accept that he might still not acknowledge what you said, ask you out, not ask you out....it'll be putting the ball back in his court which you'd have to be okay with and accept the result without being angry if it doesn't go the way you hope.

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Well I would like to see him again, but not if its only casual sex for him. How do I ask him this?

 

'Is this only casual sex for you or do you want more?'

 

I've no idea why people don't ask when they want to know something. Be honest, be straight, ask for what you want and, from then on, it's up to the other person to respond. From his answer, you'll be able to understand much more..even if his answer is confusing, you'll still be better off than just guessing.

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Well I would like to see him again, but not if its only casual sex for him. How do I ask him this?

 

So since he did ask when he could see you again, reply "I'd like to see you again too. I'm free (insert day here)"

Then the ball is in his court to make a plan for that day if it works, or recommend a different one if it doesn't. If he says "I'm free at midnight" or "come over for a movie" then you will have to make it known you aren't interested in that type of relationship ..

 

If you don't reply, but want to see him again, days are going to continue to pass and the momentum that has already been lost will be completely gone, if there even was any left

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So since he did ask when he could see you again, reply "I'd like to see you again too. I'm free (insert day here)"

Then the ball is in his court to make a plan for that day if it works, or recommend a different one if it doesn't. If he says "I'm free at midnight" or "come over for a movie" then you will have to make it known you aren't interested in that type of relationship ..

 

If you don't reply, but want to see him again, days are going to continue to pass and the momentum that has already been lost will be completely gone, if there even was any left

 

I made the decision to reply, as i do want to see him again and see how hes feeling when we are together in person.

 

But i actually feel a bit awkward because i took so long to respond. Im not sure he will reply now. Also, theres a part of me that thinks its just sex for him and he probably thinks im crazy for asking him where i stand, him not telling me, and me now agreeing to see him almost a week later.

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theres a part of me that thinks its just sex for him and he probably thinks im crazy for asking him where i stand, him not telling me, and me now agreeing to see him almost a week later.

This is why you have to be clear. You're sending a bit of a mixed signal that could be interpreted as back pedaling from "where do I stand" to "nevermind I don't care" and then when you bring it up again might seem like another mixed message. But none of that matters...ask him again and ask what his intentions are. Not answering is an answer --so if he blows it off, that's your answer.

Be upfront.

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This is why you have to be clear. You're sending a bit of a mixed signal that could be interpreted as back pedaling from "where do I stand" to "nevermind I don't care" and then when you bring it up again might seem like another mixed message. But none of that matters...ask him again and ask what his intentions are. Not answering is an answer --so if he blows it off, that's your answer.

Be upfront.

 

Well... I didn't get a reply, so I guess I have my answer!

Not sure if he's annoyed that I took so long to reply or if he jhas already lost interest... either way the message is clear now.

 

Thanks for the help!

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Man this is so classic textbook behavior. Exactly as some said on here...he got the prize so what else is there to work for. Usually after sex a guy has to decide whether to take it further because he knows that's what you'll be thinking, so they start to distance themselves to see how you'll react. What you should've done is not text or call him at all after sex then he'd of thought "hmm..maybe she's not as into me or wanting a relationship or acting emotional, I wonder why." Then he contacts you.

 

The damage has been done... so now you gotta work with it. Send him a text that says this. "Listen, truth is I do like you and see relationship potential and if you're interested in pursuing that I would like to spend more time with you, I'll leave it up to you." This way the ball is in his court and he now knows exactly what you want. If he doesn't text back then you have your answer. If he does text back wishy washyness then it's pointless unless he asks you out again.

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That is a good message to send, however he hasn't replied to my last text where I asked him when he can meet so I can't send that!

 

He obviously didn't like me enough, or maybe he was annoyed that I took so long to reply to him when he asked when he could see me again. I took so long cos I was hurt and didn't know where I stood with him, but in the end I decided I did like him and wanted to see him again, but he never replied!

 

Men just confuse me way too much

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A guy who perceives sex as a "prize" and a relationship as a liability is not a guy worth keeping. Sex is the price of finding out his true character, don't beat yourself up and move on.

 

And also, you don't need to reach out again. I think his silence is indicative of what he wants, or does not want.

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I just don't understand how a guy can just disappear without a word! Things seemed to be going so well, we were talking nearly every day for 3 months and then suddenly he just changes his mind!

 

It doesn't hurt so much that he changed his mind about me... but more that he didn't respect me enough that he didn't think he needed to explain anything to me. Fair enough if you go on a date with someone once or twice, then disappear.. you don't owe anyone anything.

 

But if you've been talking to someone every day for 3 months, you open up to eachother, you are intimate, you have sex.....it just baffles me completely how someone can do that?! Is that what I deserve?

 

Sorry, I'm just venting here.. but I really liked this guy, he had so much promise, and I am fed up of being let down by guys..

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sorry to hear.... but your not the first or the last person to experience the disappearing act. Also this happens in all types of relationships. Just be happy you werent in a committed relationship with him or had his kid...

 

there are many possible explanations why he disappeared but a man who disappear is still a coward.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So this guy has reappeared, he sent me a message saying he is sorry he didn't get in contact but he was feeling confused and wanted to take things slow as he was hurt from a previous longterm relationship, but thought I wanted something more serious and he felt he couldn't give me that.

 

Now I don't want anything serious, and didn't want to jump into a relationship as I have been really hurt before too! He must have thought I wanted something serious from when I called him out for not contacting me for 4 days after we had sex. I don't want something serious, but I didn't want to be used for sex either!

 

Is this just a misunderstanding? We didn't communicate what either of us wanted when we started dating so maybe this is the problem here?

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It sounds a bit like BS to me. Give him another chance and he will do the exact same thing again. I have been there and every time he came back he had a better excuse and every time I thought it would be different. Until one day he just found another girl and disappeared completely.

 

I may be wrong, but once a coward, always a coward.

 

Also, there is usually a big difference how people perceive serious. You may not want kids yet and get married and meet each other families etc. but I think for him anything that is more than FWB will be perceived as serious and he will therefore pull back/disappear as soon as you will expect the tiniest more from him.

 

Are you sure you are willing to suffer even more for him? Then again, some lessons we just need to learn for ourselves...

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So this guy has reappeared, he sent me a message saying he is sorry he didn't get in contact but he was feeling confused and wanted to take things slow as he was hurt from a previous longterm relationship, but thought I wanted something more serious and he felt he couldn't give me that.

 

Now I don't want anything serious, and didn't want to jump into a relationship as I have been really hurt before too! He must have thought I wanted something serious from when I called him out for not contacting me for 4 days after we had sex. I don't want something serious, but I didn't want to be used for sex either!

 

Is this just a misunderstanding? We didn't communicate what either of us wanted when we started dating so maybe this is the problem here?

 

Tell him you agree that both need to take things slow...real slow. So tell him you're ready to go back to just holding hands and not having sex.

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