The old "is he THAT in to me, what should I do?!" thread

[skippington]

A close friend and myself shared some attraction between us over the last few months. Firstly we both kind of dismissed it and kept being friends. Then it got seemingly to a point where we couldn't ignore it.

 

A complication has been that he's working away in a new, busy, difficult and stressful job and I'm living a state away. So there is a lot of distance and poor timing involved.

 

We managed to make a lot of time to chat and realised more than ever that we have everything in common and are completely compatible. I think in many ways we both got over-excited and delved in to deeper feelings and talking about what our goals in life were ect. In the moment it was amazing to share and connect with someone like this, but I think in hindsight we got a little carried away so soon.

 

So right now, the contact has slowed down. I panicked and then calmed down enough to ask him if he was losing interest in me/the situation. He said that he's really busy, work is hard (he's been doing 3 weeks straight of 12hr shifts in a manual labor type job) so I really get that. Where-as my work has been slow recently and I've had too much time to over-think. To be on the safe side (trying not to be a crazy, obsessed person) I slowed down my contact too.

 

To be honest I expected to stop hearing from him. He still contacts me every day, asks how I am going and wants to chat with me. He's stopped all flirting though and any kind of talk of something happening between us. Right now I'm responding in kind, not being TOO chatty or flirty. I've dropped in a few flirty comments here and there, while he hasn't shut me down he hasn't really responded in kind.

 

To be honest, I hate playing at this. But my nature is I'm highly emotional and over think things. So rather than just going with my crazed feelings (which would probably be me being OTT and putting him off in a time where he can't focus entirely on me) I feel I should maybe stick to matching whatever he is projecting and seeing what happens....

 

I guess I'm wondering if given the situation (physical distance, him being busy, things seemingly toning down) if this is a good approach? What could be a better approach? Is it even worth me pursing or should I gracefully bow out? Note: I'm inclined not to let this go easily because when I said we have everything in common, have high compatibility and attraction, I honestly really mean its on a level I've not experienced before (and I know he's not laying it on to impress me because I've known him long enough to know)

[missmarple]

First of all, since you live a state away, what do you expect to happen? Is there any chance of living in the same state at some point?

Second, from your post, I'm not sure I understand what exactly the situation is between you. Have you talked about romance at all?

[skippington]

I realise I downplayed that because I've been considering moving back home (which is also where he lives) for some time now (unrelated to him). Mostly for a new job. It isn't 100% yet but in answer to your first question. Yes there is, in the near future and he knows it.

 

In answer to your second question, yes we have in depth. We have both acknowledged a deep connection and attraction between us and a desire to be together as a couple. Sorry I didn't really clarify it exactly...

[missmarple]

In that case, it could be the distance + the hard work that makes him look like he's losing interest. Any chance to meet in person soon?

[skippington]

I guess that is what I feared. It just seems like such a waste to have a mutual, really strong connection with someone (its not really something that has happened for either of us) and then him backing off and putting me in the "too hard" basket. BLAH.

 

Thanks for your feedback though I think its what I needed to hear.

 

Hoping to have a meet-up soon. He was going to come here but got called back to work. I know he's finally finishing up next week, so I think if nothing happens then, I should walk away.

[savignon]

I'm a little confused....are you dating? Have you kissed/snuggled/spent date time together? If he's not expressing interest in dating and is telling you he's busy, stressed, etc. I'd imagine he sees you as more of a friend who he wants to keep in touch with incase you do move and he gets less busy. I think if he were really, super interested those things wouldn't get in the way.

[skippington]

No we aren't dating, just both flirted, talked about dating ect.

 

Yes I completely agree that he's started communicating with me more as a friend now.

[catfeeder]

When I work a lot of hours I can barely talk, much less muster the creativity to be flirty.

 

Between the distance and his hours, he likely doesn't see the point in the two of you working yourselves into a lather. He also likely doesn't view it as fair to you to pursue romance when he barely has the energy left over to pursue a social life at all.

 

I wouldn't write him off, but I wouldn't invest in fantasies about him, either. Follow his lead in back burnering romance with him, and don't close yourself off from dating others. If your time and distance issues ever resolve, you both may decide to revisit this.

 

But don't take my word for it--you're good friends. Next time you're able to meet up, raise the conversation and confirm what we're only speculating here.

 

Head high, delays are not exactly bad news--they can help preserve for the future what might otherwise flash and die from bad timing.

[skippington]

Thanks so much for your reply, also really helpful in getting some perspective.

 

I think it certainly is a timing issue and I agree with what you're saying. Going to certainly follow his lead, back off, continue the friendship and see what happens in regards to being physically closer and if anything happens.

 

I'm just thankful that I've managed to keep fairly together and haven't done anything in the realms of "crazy" and hopefully he will be wanting to pursue it further