Jump to content

How do I handle my ex out of prison?!


misssmithviii

Recommended Posts

5 years ago I was a much different person... I had fallen into drugs, violence and mischievousness. I met a guy who was the bad boy cliché in every sense of the phrase, who I spiraled out of control with. I was codependent and foolish.

This guy, we'll call him A, and I had a daughter together. During my pregnancy he became distant and began to resent what he once was 'all for'. Shortly after giving birth his abuse transformed from psychological to physical. I don't divulge this... but it resulted in my stay in a mental hospital for a few days and he ended up in prison for grand theft auto plus multiple drug felonies.

 

Now if you saw who and where I am today you'd never guess that this was my past. High GPA, going to a renowned university working towards my Physics degree, working part-time and raising the light of my life, my daughter and, despite my latest posts, back in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. One of respect, love, kindness, promise and all kinds of fun. My bf, Chris, is everything I've ever aspired to want in a man and losing him, as I did for 6 days a couple weeks ago, would be... in a word devastating. Chris left me a couple weeks ago because he was stressed out, but not even a week later came running back, professing his undying love and how rash he felt his decision was. We've only been getting stronger from it, growing even more, and there's a closer, more open line of communication between us now that wasn't as prevalent before.

 

Tonight, A got released from prison after about 4 years. He's never actually met our daughter except when she was an infant, and he's never had a healthy lifestyle. If I had to describe my feelings right now it'd be fear. Fear of losing Chris over the obvious underlying stresses this can potentially bring, and the general fear that A invokes within me. I just get these flashbacks of him breaking down doors, hitting me, throwing my face into things, strangling me, squeezing the sides of my face with his hands as I screamed in agony... I had a long, long time in therapy over this.

 

Chris had a look of terror in his eyes tonight when we found out. He explained it wasn't a fear of me going back to A, nor was it jealousy - but fear that A might feel that I am his 'property' as A used to believe all those years ago. Now I've visited A over the past year and we've ironed out a lot of our past, Chris has always known this and has known this day would come. I've come to see a change in A, one of humility and remorse... but because our past, it's inevitably nigh impossible for me not to brace myself when I'm around him.

 

I don't want this to wedge Chris and I apart, and that's why Chris and I spent a great deal of time tonight talking it over - mostly of me reassuring him.

 

How do I handle this? Chris smiled at me, kissed me tonight and repeated that he's not going anywhere, but I can tell it's on the forefront of his mind and I can see him laying awake in bed right now thinking about it.

 

I guess what I'm doing mostly right now is venting... I don't want to vent my fears to Chris, the best thing for him is to see that A being out of prison really doesn't change things between us and he won't get in the way.

But I'm in need of a little comfort, perhaps a little understanding from those who might have been or be in this position... Is there anybody out there that has words of wisdom and reassurance?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think chris will mirror you in this situation .

 

So if you are freaking out , worrying , being aggitated , concerned etc etc etc then it will rub off on chris and he will feel the same if not worse because he will want to protect you and he will of course have his own worries .

 

So take a positive approach , he is out and that is all there is to it ..no point in worrying over what could happen ...

 

You said you had visited A and ironed out your issues ,so that is indeed very very healthy . remember after 4 years he might not be bothered with the life he had as well ..some people do learn their lesson while inside .

 

I guess what I'm doing mostly right now is venting... I don't want to vent my fears to Chris, the best thing for him is to see that A being out of prison really doesn't change things between us and he won't get in the way.

 

I think this what you wrote is the way forward ... be strong and positive , you are probably both fearing drama when indeed they may not be any ...and it is understandable that you have a few reservations .

 

In a couple of weeks him been out will be normal life and you will just adapt to it . Best wishes xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your X was probably doing a lot of "behind the jail ceil jail talk" when you visited him and will only repeat his same way of acting and thinking once he gets comfortable in the free-world. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't deal with him because you could never excel in life with someone in your life like him so I would only deal with him through the courts; as well as place a respraining order on him. He's still that same person...Just hiding behind his sob story and facade so don't deal with him because he'll ruin your life. BTW, your current boyfriend should concentrate on protecting himself and his family instead of feeling insecure because it's a child involved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your X was probably doing a lot of "behind the jail ceil jail talk" when you visited him and will only repeat his same way of acting and thinking once he gets comfortable in the free-world. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't deal with him because you could never excel in life with someone in your life like him so I would only deal with him through the courts; as well as place a respraining order on him. He's still that same person...Just hiding behind his sob story and facade so don't deal with him because he'll ruin your life. BTW, your current boyfriend should concentrate on protecting himself and his family instead of feeling insecure because it's a child involved.

 

He hasn't actually done anything yet !!!!! get a restraining order !! for what ? you can't treat people with assumptions and accusations based on 4 years ago .....what you do is brace yourself in a sensible and realistic way and take on board with maturity your past experiences with that person , but keep an open mind .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He hasn't actually done anything yet !!!!! get a restraining order !! for what ? you can't treat people with assumptions and accusations based on 4 years ago .....what you do is brace yourself in a sensible and realistic way and take on board with maturity your past experiences with that person , but keep an open mind .

 

I suppose she could just forgive his past and wait for him to come by and beat her half to death and take their daughter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is he expressing an interest in forming a proper relationship with his daughter, is that why you've been in communications?

 

I would caution too against jail cell talk. It is common though I don't think it is necessarily purposefully manipulative. I have seen it in the past go both ways, with change to support it and then of course people who just got themselves into the same situation yet again. Mostly the latter.

 

I guess it really truly depends on the sort of role he wants to/intends on playing in your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, I think this is where you consult an attorney to uncover your options. If your ex is violent and criminal, I think it would make perfect sense for him to only have supervised visitation with his child until and if he ever shows he is a responsible citizen and no longer the violent and abusive person he once was. So an attorney could help protect your daughter and you. I'd quit worrying so much about the BF and worry about your daughter instead.

 

You can limit your ex' s influence of your life by ensuring that his visitation with your daughter is in a neutral, supervised facility where you drop your daughter off and never actually have contact with your ex yourself. That would minimize contact with you and your BF and make him more secure.

 

But you should have nothing at all to do with the ex other than thru the lawyer who gets the court to agree to only supervised visitation with your daughter in a neutral facility due to the history of the relationship that includes violence, abuse, and criminal behavior. The less contact you have with him, the less stirred up he might get.

 

But at this point, he may have lost interest in you and your daughter and be pursuing other women, so this may not be all that bad. It is far more likely for people like this to lose interest in their children from former relationships and drop out of their lives (and they usually have multiple children with multiple women and are only interested in whatever children they have with the current woman in their lives) than it is for them to continue to pursue someone in a way that might put them back in jail, unless they are mentally ill stalkers.

 

So your best bet is to go low profile, and consult an attorney to be ready if he does try to contact your or wants to see your daughter. You need to start this out right, by having the attorney contact him if he tries to contact you, to let him know he does have a right to see your daughter, but only in a supervised setting until he shows he is not a threat to her. And that even though he has a legal right to see his daughter, he has no legal right to contact or see or talk to you at all, and if he does so, there will be legal consequences.

 

You don't need a restraining order yet because he hasn't done anything, but he needs to be on notice that you will not allow a repeat of the past abuse, and that you have no intention of letting him back into your life again so he had better look elsewhere for someone to date.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I second lavenderdove, it's good advice. It covers the bases without assuming A is going to be a problem. You say you've ironed out difference with him, but you don't say if he's in your daughter's life at all or if he even wants to be. I would take legal steps now so that if he does indeed want that you have supervised visits and proceed with caution. If he's a changed man he will understand that and if his old habits surface you and your daughter and Chris are all protected. And you can take further steps from there.

 

It's tough, and yes all will be apprehensive in the beginning. It's an unknown you are all facing, the ex included. The real question will be to just make sure you and your daughter and loved ones are safe first, then that the ex has or hasn't turned over a new leaf. You can proceed from there. And no, a restraining order isn't needed right now and without any current threats or actions won't be granted anyways. Maybe look into it in your area, what's needed and have that information handy along with the legal consultation, but that's all you do for now.

 

This may all turn out to be much ado over nothing or it may not, but the sane thing to do is be prepared legally so you all are safe. And the ex is too until and/or if he shows that he hasn't changed. If he has, then all the more power to all of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Firstly, I greatly appreciate the feedback!

 

For reference: I have had sole custody of our daughter since before she was a year old. A had actually committed some sort of fraud, trying to claim her as a dependent and get money for himself via her when in reality she was living with me in my apartment. There was a custody hearing and I was awarded. Grounds for visiting our daughter have been set and agreed upon at said hearing that in order to see her, I must have a court appointed mediator present or my father. I've made the rules, and he's been incarcerated the majority of her life so it's never really come to the point where those rules were 'tested' if you will.

 

As for visiting him this past year? That was preemptive on my part. I didn't quite like the idea of him being released without us having ironed out our past. I understand how behind a glass and through a phone it can go either way - he's either sincere or manipulative. In the past, he's been sincere... sincerely bat dung crazy unless he doesn't get his way in which case he's resorted to manipulation. During our visits however, he expressed the will to see her, be a part of her life but he doesn't want to tell her that he's her father until she's older. He said, "I want to earn her friendship before we can go further." That in itself I found very commendable. He's also never skipped a beat, drawing pictures and writing letters to us both, just as a "fellow friend who cares".

 

From my standpoint he's done a lot of changing, but of course I keep a yardstick between him and us.

 

So you see, I don't really feel worried about our daughter because she's well protected by law, myself, and my father. I was more venting along the lines of how this can potentially affect my relationship with Chris - to which I'll say, I do agree that he'll mirror me in this aspect. I realize he's thinking of it a lot but I know the more confident I am in our lives being unchanged by his being out of jail, the more confident he will become.

 

I sincerely hope he can turn over a new leaf. Goodness knows I've done more for him in that regard than he even deserved (gave him shelter, bought him a car, cooked, cleaned... everything) until the day be turned his violence on me.

 

Anyway, I really do appreciate the feedback and advice.

 

A little tidbit - I find it amusing how defensive people can get over their opinions. Disagreeing is a part of life and it's interesting when it escalates. I cherish everyone's point of view, hence why I posted on a forum. I wasn't looking or searching for what I wanted to hear, so each and every piece of advice I received was well considered and appreciated regardless of whether or not I personally agreed.

 

Much love and thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, if you've already got your daughter protected, that is the most important thing.

 

But I do recommend you keep contact with the ex to a minimum, in the same manner that one makes sure to give a wide berth to a rattlesnake rather than constantly treading near it. He may have changed, or it may just be all words to try to manipulate you. And he might be on his good behavior until he falls back into a life of crime or drug abuse again, which unfortunately many felons and addicts do do. So the less enmeshed in your life, the better, for all kinds of reasons.

 

re: your BF, it is actually a logical impulse to be scared considering all the drive by shootings, violence etc. that happen these days. He may be concerned that your ex will think eliminating him or harming him will improve his chances with you, or just to spite you. So the best way to reassure your BF is to keep your ex out of your lives as much as possible, so that he has no interaction AT ALL with you or your BF. You want your ex thinking about other things and other women and NOT about you and your BF, and the best way to do that is to draw a firm line and not have any contact with him at all. Get him set up on a regular visitation schedule through your father and don't let him come to your house or converse with him. Let your father handle that contact.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...