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All of our fights are over sex!


Murderface

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Here I am, yet again, posting another thread about my horrible sex life... I just don't know what to do anymore. Seems like all we ever do lately is fight over sex. He's gotten a lot meaner about it too. When the fights first started to accrue he'd be overly apologetic and tell me he's "broken" and doesn't know how to fix himself. However, now he's always telling me that it's not him and that it's all me. He'll always repeat, "I'm not the problem!" He says horrible things to me like "you just lay there like a dead corpse" or he'll say something like, "Sex is always ME, ME, ME (!) what about what I (!) want!?" ...Everything he says to me when we argue brings me to tears, and since I'm extremely introverted I can hardly defend myself against all his screaming. When I do manage to say something he immediately turns it around and uses my words against me and then I end up apologizing for saying anything at all.

So far I'm sure I'm making him out to be a total monster, but he really isn't. He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and outside of the bedroom he's really good to me. He buys me things, he gives me massages like ALL the time, he even cleans our apartment when I ask. Most importantly though, he's like my emotional-backbone, I can have the worst day ever and totally fall apart, and he's always there to put me back together (unless I'm falling apart over our sex life.)

Lately though I feel like the romance is dead. I know all relationships have a "honeymoon phase" but he's a lot shorter with me these days, and he doesn't leave me cute little notes or flowers anymore. It just makes me feel discouraged, all the time. And I know it's not just the guys job to be cute, in fact if anything it's probably more the girls job, but all of our problems just have me completely overwhelmed to a point where I feel that he should almost be obligated to do all those extra things to overcompensate for all the stress and sexual frustration he's been putting me through.

Back to the sex though, just the thought... it brings tears to my eyes. He's the only guy I've ever been with. He took my virginity when I was 23 years old after only dating for a couple months. He was 25 at the time. That was nearly two years ago. Back then the sex was amazing. I mean, I had obviously never felt anything like it before and all I wanted was more, more, more. Back then he could last forever and have a throbbing erection almost the entire time. He has some sort of erectile issue though that prevents him from cumming. He tells me that he cums easily when he masturbates but that he can't do it during sex. I was the first girl that he came with (he had 3 other partners before me.) The few times that he did cum with me he needed "preparation" time. Pretty much, he'd masturbate before hand and then we'd have sex for a couple minutes once he got close to orgasm. Yeah, not very pleasurable on my end, but I'm still always super happy/relieved when he does that for me. Makes me feel more womanly and sexy, I guess.

For the past several months though, he hasn't done any of the "preparation" before sex even despite knowing how happy it makes me to see him get off. He never has a full erection either. It's very frustrating because I can barely feel anything when he's only semi-erect. He likes to tell me that he's 6" down there, but he's really more like 3". When I hold his penis in my hand, I grip all but the head, and I certainly don't have giant hands, they're pretty average for a woman. I'm not sure if he really believes he's that big or if he thinks I've just never looked at a ruler before. Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that the state of his erection is REALLY important when it comes to intimacy if he expects me to feel anything. So I get discouraged really easily when I can't get him hard enough, and then he can tell I'm discouraged due to my lack of a poker-face and it just turns into this huge fight, every time.

Once he told me he was going to go to a doctor, then he told me that he went to a doctor, both times he lied. We've tried pills, vitamins, weird creams, nothing works. He told me that shaving his pubes helps him gain sensitivity, but even still he's maybe shaved twice down there during our whole relationship, which will be 2 years in April. The root to most of my frustration is his lack of effort. He's always telling me that he does "all the work" and that I'm the one lacking effort, but at the same time he does none of the things that I tell him drive me crazy in the bedroom. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have to tell him how much I love it rough, but he never performs that way. In fact, he gets pissed off at me anytime I say "harder!". Then again, he also gets pissed off at me when I don't say anything. He expects me to talk dirty, but I can only do that when I'm turned on. So he tells me to fake it, he tells me that he'd LOVE it if I faked it, but I'm just not that kind of girl. Faking it seems more like cheating myself of a good time, if I fake it the problems will never get resolved and I'm not okay with that. I want good sex! I don't want to be sexually frustrated my entire life, but I also don't want to lose him. He's all I have. I have no close friends, no close family. If I lose him I have nothing.

I desperately NEED our sex life to improve, but anytime one of us mentions it it leads to a fight, and usually a pretty bad one at that. He's told me many times in the past that sex does nothing for him, since then he's taken those words back and now says that sex does nothing for him IF I'm not on top doing all the work. Me being on top however does nothing for me. I can't feel anything and I've told him that. For awhile though, I'd do it anyways because he'd tell me that it felt good for him, but he'd still get soft right away, never look into it, and never cum. So I stopped doing it. I didn't see the point. I'd always feel like I was suffering for nothing. These days whenever he tells me something feels good for him I assume he's just humoring me because of how hard it is to read him.

We're clearly both unhappy in the bedroom, but regardless of everything he's said I still feel like I'm the one trying harder. There will be days where he'll say something like "I'm going to your brains out when I get home" via text and then nothing will happen and I'll get upset over it and he'll say something like "You just didn't seem into it." but I'd be looking forward to it all day long and I'd even tell him so!

Sometimes I feel like I only look forward to sex for an excuse to rub myself off. That's the only thing that gets me to orgasm when we're intimate, unless he's going down on me, but that takes FOREVER.

I just want our sex life to go back to how it was when it was still shiny and new to me. I don't like getting frustrated to the point of fantasying leaving him for another man that knows how to take control and make me hot in the bedroom.

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He has ED and is in denial about it. That is one issue. Another is that you are not sexually compatible. You both want different things in bed. And the only reason it takes you so long to orgasm is because your tense and you don't feel safe enough to relax with him

 

Nothing will change. My advice is break up now before you end up sexless and miserable

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- Is he circumcised? Any chance his insensitivity is due to masturbating with a lot of pressure? This can, I believe, be fixed with rehabilitative exercises.

 

- He's obviously very sensitive about the issue. The way he acts is completely unacceptable. Personally, I would tell him that you're willing to take sex of the table as a pressure/issue for the time being and help him fix the problem, but only if he can treat you the way you with kindness and respect instead of lashing out. If he can't do that then whatever his good side is like, you may have to make the decision to move on. There are plenty of supportive guys out there and you deserve better than his worst.

 

- Your username is awesome. Just wanted to say that. Metalocalypse is great.

 

- If you're going to give instructions in bed, take note of how you phrase it. Sometimes, if it comes accross as a complaint rather than a girl getting into it massively and begging for more, it can kill the mood. This may be a non-issue, just something to think about.

 

- Do you feel like you need to be involved with a sexual partner to masturbate? Just wondering whether you're limiting yourself from getting a release as often as you'd like or need because you feel you shouldn't or something.

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I just want our sex life to go back to how it was when it was still shiny and new to me.

 

Unfortunately the shiny and new wears off and when it does you are left with who the people really are and that includes all of their issues. He has a sexual dysfunction and it sounds like he had it long before he met you. As long as he's in denial about it and chooses to pin the blame for his own sexual issues on you then there's nothing you can do, but either resign yourself to bad sex or find a partner who isn't dysfunctional in that area AND who won't try to blame those around him for his issues. And it's not you, particularly given that he's your first it's actually a lot more on him since he's the one with experience who has been "teaching" you about sex. So no, any which way you turn that finger pointing it just goes back to him.

 

All I can suggest is you tell him you both need to go to couples counseling and/or he sees a doctor and a therapist about the ED issues or you're out. I know he's your first, but most first relationships don't last any more than first jobs or first cars do. You learn from them and one of the things you learn is what you will put up with and what you want in a partnership as well as what they want. As someone who's been around the relationship block a time or two I can tell you that bad sex is pretty much a death sentence on a relationship. Right up there with bad communication and verbal abuse or refusing to fix issues that come up.

 

And unfortunately what you're describing is a relationship that has all three: bad sex, bad communication and no addressing of real issues. Sex should be pleasurable for both of you, not a one-way street. I would like to offer you hope that he'll change, but given his past history coupled with his current attitude I just don't see that happening. And if you are starting to think about other men and what it would be like with them then yeah, it's basically time to move on and let him go. Life is just too short to spend it fighting with the person who you're supposed to love and who claims to love you.

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There's no point fighting or getting upset about something he has no control over. How would that make him feel? The more pressure put on him the less he's likely to 'succeed'. I think this will only get worse as time goes by and it'd be best to call it quits now, hopefully without him feeling like a total failure as a man. I think it's sad for him to feel that he has to try so hard especially when it's something that 'trying' doesn't help.

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Of course it's going to be terrible, way too much has been said! "You're a dead corpse" "I can't feel anything" this and that, here and there - it's all going to be flying around in your heads during the act. His insults and blaming are obviously attacks in order to keep the responsibility of it all off him but instead he is insulting you whilst you are in a very vulnerable position.

It's obviously been happening so much that you both come to expect terrible sex. You're concentrating more on the fact that it's going to be terrible rather than on each other. You need to find each other again. Spend half an hour kissing and touching - don't think of it as foreplay either. Don't have sex be the "end goal" because you will both be anxious of how terrible it will be. Instead, just leave sex out of it for a night and do other things.

 

Like I said, too much has been said already that neither of you have any confidence in yourselves and each other at all. Yelling "harder" may have been dirty and sexy to you but with all the criticisms he is taking that as yet another criticism. You are both so sensitive in your performance you are forgetting what is important. A guy who feels like he is "broken" will be hurting so much over it every time it happens, which is why you're probably getting the vile insults every time he feels you are getting sick of his "broken" self.

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