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4+ Year Relationship Over?

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I started off by typing a long essay with as much as I could that were relevant and tried to explain our situation but I feared it would be far too much and no one would read it. I have deleted it and decided I will just post our last conversation via text and hope someone can inform me of what might happen from here, the chances of ever being together again or even being friends again, etc.


Brief description: We were together 4 years, 1 month. We've lived together. We were so comfortable with one another. Things began to get really different the last 6 months when she began communicating with an old female friend of hers again who made an appearance in her life. My ex is/was a very caring person, very intelligent. But she couldn't for the life of her communicate herself to me, express herself, at least for the last few months. My problem was it didn't take too much to upset me and I would take things out on here sometimes with my words. It was minor but again, enough that it sucked.


What I find odd is "I" was the one thinking ending the relationship would be the best thing for us. I'm the one who felt I wanted to leave her.


Christmas Eve I spoke to her about it casually and she stated she was feeling the same way as of late, we we split but decided to remain best friends. Later that day I saw her crying and looking so broken and I thought maybe she didn't want to break up but rather said so so I could feel better and do what I thought was right for me. We got back together that same night.


Things went good for the next days until New Years Eve where I got upset about being at her friends lame party where no one made an effort to be social or outgoing, rather the 10 people seemed split into 4 groups, all on their phone being rejects. I regretted now having just stayed home with her or celebrated New Years else where. I ended up leaving to attend my family's version of events, while she stayed.. I drove around for almost two hours hoping she would come to her senses and text/call me saying "Hey come pick me up we'll watch the countdown together at home." She didn't. By 10:30PM I began feeling bad and couldn't tolerate the idea that we would not be counting down the new year together so I went back and spent it with her.


When we left, in the car, she broke into tears and stated "I don't think we're going to be able to work this out" where I, without hesitation, agreed "No I don't think we are."


The whole drive home we said nothing to one another until I pulled into the driveway where I told her I would spend the night as we would normally, and when I left in the morning she could tell her parents whatever version she wanted.


It wasn't until I got to bed that it sank in. I was so sad, and so was she. She tried to comfort me by putting her arm around me but I just stayed there. Laying on the far side of the bed, on my side, with my back turned to hers. I was so hurt I began tearing and I never cry.


In the morning she asked if we could go for a drive, which lately had been our version of "let's talk." We went for a drive to Tim Horton's to grab coffee, and I couldn't hold myself in. I began to cry, and she had never seen me cry. We were both so hurt, so confused, so lost. We talked about remaining friends, and expressed how much we do care about each other.


Long story short I went home, only to cry some more. I couldn't clear my head. I needed to know how she really felt and why we really broke up, with this clarification I could maybe heal and move on.


I texted her and she was more than willing to get together. We went for another drive. She had never been to the CN Tower and had always wanted to go and it took this happening for me to finally take her. We had a great time and we hugged often and kissed eachother's cheeks, etc. On the drive down she told me the day she realized it wasn't working out for her was about two months ago at her aunt's house while I was drunk, frustrated and upset, I mentioned something really rude and stupid as "What makes me happy is knowing I can leave you at anytime." It kills me to have said that, I didn't even remember that until she brought it up. I wish I could take it back I wish I could take this all back. I thought I knew what I wanted but I didn't, it's now that I know what I want.


Two days later I took her on a spontaneous trip to Niagara Falls at night. She loves it there. I thought we would just take a cruise there and back but even with the cold we ended up walking around and going in a few places, grabbing starbucks, going to the arcade and on the ferris wheel, etc.. Again we were hugging and holding on to one another.


Then a few days later she treated me to the movies and again she put her arm around me, held me, etc.


Things were great and I was more ready than ever to be her boyfriend again and a better boyfriend than I had ever been and for as long as we'd live.


It wasn't until I started to get together with her with her friend being around, the one I feel sparked her thinking things were worse than they really were and caused this. I began to feel like a stranger in her home, a place I called my home too many times. The one time I finally stayed over, I slept on the couch. Because I felt hurt, I thought if I was quiet and reserved she would notice and show she cared. Up until now, from January 1st to maybe January 15th or so, whether or not we were together again, or on the verge of getting back together, we were amazing friends it felt. We even made out on like the 7th. I could tell she still cared so much and still loved me and vice versa.


Now. We're not even talking. She's been going out every night it seems, drinking, to I guess deal with things, move on, I don't know. It's killing me. I so badly want us to get back together and try one last time where I feel now it would work, or at least go back to being amazing friends again. My fear is she is being poorly influenced by her female friend in particular who she has grown very attached to lately it seems, so her sister says. She isn't listening to her parents advice and seems to be doing whatever this friend of her tells her.


OH one big thing I forgot to fit in earlier. It wasn't until this passed weekend that I actually thought to check her Twitter account and came accross posts she made in December before our first breakup for a few hours, and it was things like the following:


"I really hate having you in my life"

"You made me give up things that would have made me really ing happy right now"

"Too weak to fight or even bother. 's getting tough."

And she makes a lot of hastags of #TimeForChange



She never communicated any of this to me which makes me feel awful. Instead of talking to me about it, expressing things, it was easier for her to post about it on Twitter for everyone else to see.


Again, things weren't the best, but I don't feel they were as bad as she's thinking or being made to feel.



I genuinely believe if we tried once more, it would work. I acknowledge I was most of the problem and I am ready to be better and different. I don't want to lose her. How do you go from spending 4 years with someone, living together, claiming you love them, to just not speaking to them pretty much? I need her in my life.



This is the last conversation we had yesterday.




Me: "Can we talk?"


Her: "About what"


Me: "About everything. To figure out what's going on. To get proper closure?"


Her: "Look, I can't provide you with the kind of closure you're looking for right now, because I'm still figuring things out myself; how to be my own person without you, and how to approach my own feelings. We were together for a long time, and when you constantly try to get in contact with me, it's not allowing me to start that process for myself. I'm sorry you feel like you need more closure than you've received, but if you really want to help both of us get passed this, you have to back off, live your life and give this time to sink in."


Me: "I totally understand what you mean. It's just there are things I've learned and come accross that have not been spoken of or discussed, and I felt if maybe we did, and got it all off our chest, perhaps we could cope with the healing process better and move on without the regret of never having talked about it. Mostly me. I also understand now the importance the apart time plays and what others were trying to tell me but my biggest fear was not talking about it now while we're both already hurt, and instead waiting for when we're better only to then feel horrible all over again."


Her: "I tried being nice and being your friend during this time, but you can't message my friends and coworkers and expect that behaviour to go unnoticed. It's not ok"


Me: "I know you did and I wish I had focused at the time on being the friend rather than hoping to be more. And I messaged them because I was worried, it was the only way to know how you were doing as we didn't talk."


Her: "You don't need to worry about me, as much as you do yourself right now. I've surrounded myself with positive people and I've been really happy. It's when you contact my friends and colleagues, that make me uneasy. I don't like that. It stresses me out. When I say I need space, I want space, however long that may take."


Me: "And ultimately that's all I really want is for you to be so happy, and what destroys me is knowing you weren't with me, followed by the helpless feeling of wondering if there had been anything I could have done, followed by the realization that yes, I could have been much more understanding, followed by the regret that it's now too late. It shouldn't have taken this to be a wake up call. I really truly still want to be friends. I still contact you thinking maybe we could grieve together, maybe it would help, but I didn't know how you felt exactly about all of this until now. I get what you're saying."


Her: "I really really just want space. I don't think I can see you right now either. When I'm ready, I'll contact you. But right now, I don't need this added anxiety and stress. Maybe we can be friends again one day, but it's not going to work right now."


Me: "I understand. This conversation in itself has made me feel much better. Know that when you are ready, I will be here to be a great friend. I will not be passing by your house anymore as I know it will only make things feel more difficult but please let your family know it's because we feel it's for the best right now and no other reason, I still adore them. Live a happy life and do all the things you love. Know that I have learned so much from you and I'll never forget all the things you've done for me and although things are the way they are now, I'll never forget our time together nor see it as a regret. I will always hold a special place for you in my heart and everyday I will make new efforts to be a better person."


Her: "I genuinely hope you're able to heal better now."




ANY assistance in understanding what's going on, how she probably feels, what I should do, how much time it may take, what may end up happening, etc. Anything to help me deal with this.

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And for example, today on her Twitter:


Her: "I'm so happy!


and someone asked her "good news?"


and she replied "life is just too good"


and he's like, "lol it has it's moments"


and she's like, "some better than others, but right now, it's all good!"



How can she actually really feel this way? Especially considering after our breakup, she still seemed so happy if not happier with me? Now it seems we're done and she's even happier? I don't get any of this

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It sounds like you argued or got upset over really trivial things. Neither of you know how to communicate. What was the point of driving around for 2hours hoping for a text? We have all been to boring parties but you went there together-should have left together


Shes still upset over something you said 9months ago? Why was this not resolved back then when it happened.


It sounds to me like you both make a big deal out if the little things. Couples who are only together a month or two obsess and analyze every detail. A couple together 4 years should not be having those issues, you should be able to talk to each other about anything and feel comfortable together not to read into every little thing that is said and done


and when you break up with someone you are supposed to mean it. Not get back together the same day and then break up every 5 minutes again over every little thing


I think you both need to grow up, learn to communicate and learn to deal with issues in a healthier way


Some couples have REAL problems and the only answer is BREAK UP. You two have thrown away a good relationship for no real reason.

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Usually it's the men that ask for space. If it's the woman that's doing the asking, and she doesn't want to see you, either you are hurting her badly and she needs time off to heal, or she doesn't want you at all anymore. The conversation seems like she doesn't have much feelings for you.


It's pretty clear that it's over. I would leave her alone and focus on your life.


I am in a similar situation where I told my ex to leave me alone, but the difference is that he hurt me so much that I had to ask him to not contact me so I could heal, to forget him, so I can be myself again.


Here it sounds like you are the one who's trying to fix the relationship, and she doesn't want any of that right now.

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Jen is right.


When a man asks for space..sometimes it just means he needs time to think.

Other times...just being a coward.


When a woman asks...she is most likely letting you off slowly/gently

She has already given you the benefit of the doubt...and she is done.

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Iggy5129 - Stalker? Where did you get this from? I'm not some randoms stranger (although I'm now beginning to feel like one) who saw her for the first time at her work and followed her home. We've been together over four years. We grew extremely close to one another and have never felt more comfortable with anyone else. Obviously we care greatly about one another and if one drives by the house they were staying at to get some comfort from seeing the vehicle parked in the driveway signifying to them she is home and safe I don't see this being so wrong. Also, I contacted her friend, singular, just one. The one I feel began to push us apart, for the same reason I messaged a coworker of hers that I knew, to find out how she was doing, to confirm she's okay, as we were not communicating directly at the time. As for grieving together, because it made sense to me? We did everything else together? This is my first break up of this kind and this is all new to me, maybe one day I will understand but for now, I find it stupid that rather than trying to fix the situation, one would rather find it more normal to just simply ignore the other. I hope I never see this as a normal means of trying to fix a problem, by just ignoring it.


shelty24 - You appear to be more on target. I agree, the two of us failed to communicate properly and express our feelings the last few months. And sorry, that comment was made 2 months prior, not 9. Her reasoning for doing nothing about it was she had put up with stuff in the past, and when you're together so long, you let it go, but that day when I said that, she couldn't put up with it, and I think that's when the relationship really began to become jeopardized. "You two have thrown away a good relationship for no real reason." that was deep.


jenbrooks & mhowe - I've obviously hurt her emotionally, but when I opened up my eyes after the breakup on New Years Eve, I finally began to change and felt we were working things out, but strongly felt she was still unable to properly communicate herself. At that time, I was starting to enjoy spending time together again and actually doing things together. When I felt she wasn't fully letting me in, yet she was clearly showing she was still in love with me and feeling the same way as me, the communicationg began to die again and we're where we are now. I don't understand how you can spend over four years with someone so closely and develop such feelings only to simply give up when things get bad, and it wasn't even that bad, I think she feels it was worse than it really was.


I'd have been able to move on with this a lot smoother had I not felt so responsible for this. It kills me to think I really did hurt her this much and she was really this unhappy.


I haven't messaged her since that conversation yesterday and will not be doing so. It even hurts not to be able to see her parents as I grew to love them too and they miss me aswell, but I really just want to give her her space now and let her figure out her stuff. Thankfully I'm at least still able to talk to her sister and brother-in-law which helps me.



Once again, I'm no expert by far, but I don't believe "time apart", "silence", "ignoring", etc. really helps any relationship. This is just as lethal as a lack of communication. What's worse is when some people think you're an idiot for thinking otherwise.

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Iggy5129 - oooh you're referring to the "I won't be passing by your house anymore" part. Yeah ? We lives with her parents, sister and sister's boyfriend. I lived with them to for a big portion of our time together. I still talk to them/see them (up until yesterday) and will continue to do so once we get passed this. They still want me in their life and I want them in mine.

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[...] Once again, I'm no expert by far, but I don't believe "time apart", "silence", "ignoring", etc. really helps any relationship. This is just as lethal as a lack of communication. What's worse is when some people think you're an idiot for thinking otherwise.


Seems the problem is that you're viewing this as a time for relationship repair while she's viewing it as a breakup--period.


In your conversation you're trying to make it sound as though you understand you're broken up--but your statement above says otherwise.


People here got the stalking idea from your ex's admonishments for contacting her friends, family, coworkers and your admission that you're still driving by her family home. Stalkers aren't necessarily strangers--they're often exes, and if you continue any of this behavior, you'll be perceived as stalking, whether you 'like' that label or not.


Breakups are the most difficult thing most people endure, and your grief is understandable--but your insistence that she or those close to her help you fix it is not.


Grief is natural, and the only way around it is through it. A therapist can help, and working with one can help you understand necessary boundaries at this time.


The only way of preserving any possibility of friendship with this woman is to consider it a future goal--as in far, far, future. Months or years--long after she no longer views you and your motives as a potential threat to her exploration of single life and her desire for peace of mind.


I would move my focus away from blame and ideas about changing anyone's thinking but my own. Keep writing here, consider redeveloping your own goals, interests, friendships and understand that feeling lousy is part of the process--it won't feel this bad forever.


Head high.

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People walk away from relationships all the time. 4 years might seem like a very long time to you, but people leave relationships that have been much longer that that -- have left longterm marriages with children -- it happens every day. She's allowed to do that if she chooses to and is under no obligation to work things out with you.


Your ex is telling you that *MAYBE* you can be *FRIENDS* again someday..... what she's saying is the romantic relationship is over and that she's going to need some space before she can even be your friend.


It only takes one person to end a relationship.


Whether or not YOU agree -- or feel it can be fixed -- or want to try to save it -- or feel responsible for ruining things -- doesn't matter.


SHE'S telling you that it's over. You need to work on accepting this. I agree that working with a therapist might help you come to terms with what's happened.


Here's a guide that will help you as well: link removed

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catfeeder & sharky988 - Thank you for your replies and further insight on my situation and what I'm experiencing. I must tell you, the last day 36 hours have felt completely different for me. I understand hearts don't break even, and at first this was a lot to deal with. However, I found the more people I spoke to about this, the better it began to feel. At first the feeling would last for a couple of hours and then it would wear off, however now it seems to be sinking in.


I'm accepting it and leaving it alone. Let me clarify though. What I mean by this isn't, I'm going to forget her, what he had, what happened, not make any further efforts in the future in regards to this. What I mean is I will give her her time and space. I'm completely fine with this now as I feel it's what is required in order for her to come to the realization that things between us weren't as bad as her friends maybe be making her believe or she herself may feel it was at the moment. Maybe she will realize we could have worked our little issues out rather than have throwing things away. Maybe she's notice we never made a real effort to do so, and we never communicated, and maybe having done so, this would have never happened or one way or another we could have mended things.


I still don't like everyone's advice of pretty much "you spent so long with this person but because suddenly they feel they want to be away, it's over for sure and for good and both of you should ignore the other and never speak/see one another ever again. It's over, pretend the other never existed." This is the impression I get.


I know what she said in the texts, but she's the type of person who is good at hiding her true feelings, and is currently perhaps forcing herself to feel this way thinking it's the right thing, but at any moment she may have a change of mind.


Point is, I really think now that time and space is the best thing. Like I said, I'm now able to deal with it without feeling the urge to contact her, or drive by her house, or whatever, to try and feel better for any reason.


I'm not going to lie though, although I deleted her off my Facebook last week when I felt I wouldn't be able to help but see what she's going to be up to, I still check her Twitter and will do so daily. It gives me an idea of how she's feeling and what's going on with her, which then helps me figure out what to expect. I don't find it a big deal, she's barely updating it now anyway.


Again, I feel she's hiding her real feelings, but I could be wrong. Now I'm moving on for the time being until she makes any kind of move towards me. Yesterday I went out with an old friend for drinks and food and it made me feel GREAT. Monday I'm joining a gym with another friend and plan on going everyday. I will start eating healthier. I'm going to try to spend my free time learning a new language. I will go out more often, with different types of people. I'm going to open myself up more and overall try to better myself everyday. She will really appreciate this.


I'd still like for us to eventually be good friends again and hang out regularly where I'll now have the feel to do more things more often, and I think I'd still like to give it another try if the opportunity came but sometimes when I give it a lot of thought I think just being best friends would be best.


Just don't be surprised if we get back together!



Thanks again so much for all the advice. I was really having doubts about even bothering to sign up for this site, because at the time I was already feeling a bit better (but much better now) and thought maybe typing everything out and reliving it would make me feel like poop again but I was wrong and I'm glad I went ahead with this.



I will update regularly in the hopes it helps someone else.

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Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I made my Facebook profile accessible to anyone (since I had removed her from my friends and my profile was private to strangers) so she is able to view it at anytime if she feels she wants to see what I'm up to or how I'm doing, and I'm updating it a bit more often with exactly that, what I've been doing lately.


Again, I don't believe in completely ignoring the fact we had been so close for so long and now just shutting the other one down. If she does check up on me via Facebook, and I'm checking her Twitter, clearly we still care and again maybe we can try again because it wasn't that bad and it could have all been worked out, we could still be not just very happy together if we worked things out, but happier than ever.


But again, although I feel this way, I do feel great. My friends and family are realizing I feel a lot happier, I'm louder, I make jokes, I'm laughing and smiling.

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sharky988 - Thanks for the link! In this, it states she was pulled back and forth for the first six months by her ex, who was the one to break up with her. See, this is when if things were meant to be, and he/she truly learned and wanted to change, right now would be the second real chance to make it or break it. This gives me hope. If my ex were to do this, I think it would work.


Someone is always dealing with it worse or feels more hurt than the other, so right now, that must be her. If not, that's weird, we're both going through this very well and that's typically unheard of. In which case, great for both of us.


"It’s true that every relationship is different and your situation is truly unique" I love this part, because how can anyone's advice truly be right, when everyone goes through different circumstances.


"and the one thing you think that you most want – to get back together with your ex- - is very, very unlikely to happen." And then she ruined it with this nonsense.

Again I'm finding all the advice is about forgetting and moving on, rather than giving it a chance to work out, trying to fix it.


Still reading, thanks so much for this link, didn't think I'd care for it let alone bother with it but I'm still reading.

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Yeah I think I'm going to catch up on some movies, although the first sections were interesting, the rest I feel I don't really need to read, and this would have been what I needed a few days ago but not now.


Thanks again for everything!

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You shouldn't be following her Twitter account or having any contact online. That's no different from driving by her house or speaking to her friends or co-workers. It's a form of monitoring and attempting to maintain control. She's asked you for space -- and an honorable person would RESPECT her request for privacy!


I strongly urge you to seek out professional help in dealing with this breakup. You have many false beliefs and don't seem to be able to grasp the reality of this situation.


No one here has told you to "just forget her" or "pretend it never happened" -- I've frankly never seen that advice given anywhere on this site, to anyone. But what you fail to grasp is that your ex has told you that this relationship is over.


You need to accept this -- or at least start respecting her boundaries. That means, no more monitoring of her and her life, online and off.


It means that regardless of what you think -- or "believe in" -- she's decided to end this relationship and has made it clear that she doesn't even feel FRIENDSHIP is possible right now.


Even the way you misinterpret what's written in that breakup guide to somehow support the notion of you and your ex getting back together is bordering on delusion. I think you really do need to get yourself some help to sort this out and find a way to come to terms with what's happened.

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