My break up story. Any advice and kind words are definitely welcomed.

[blackmilk]

So, I was in a year and a half relationship with my ex. We have had some turbulent times, she emotionally cheated on me once, but I forgave her and we worked through the issues. Well, two months before the relationship ended, I was undergoing terrible depression due to traumatic events that have occurred in my life which I will not go into. One night, I was having a terrible panic attack and an emotional breakdown. My ex was yelling at me, and she pulled on my shoulder during it and I raised a fist at her. I did not my fist back, and I immediately stopped before I would hit her. Well, I started to hit myself and cry because I almost hit my ex and due to the emotional stress I was undergoing beforehand. I was never in that bad of a state like I was that night, I truly felt I was at my lowest.

 

 

Well, my ex told me I should go home and we would talk about what happened the next morning. My ex came to my dorm the next morning and broke up with me. I begged for her to come with me to couple counseling and therapy to salvage the relationship, and make it healthier than it ever was. She denied this. Over the course of a week, I wrote her a two page letter, walked to her house in the rain with a candle and a card to apologize sincerely. I also did other favors for her like delivering different books she needed for her classes so she wouldn't fail her classes.

 

I became disgusted with her because three days after ending it with me, I found out on Tumblr that she was sending naked photos of herself to the man she emotionally cheated on me with. She had sex with him a week post break up, and I forgave her for it since I realized it was a coping mechanism. Well, she met another man, had sex with him, and is now dating him within a month time. This hurt me beyond belief, and I harassed my ex on Tumblr about it by asking questions regarding her sex life. It was stupid of me to do so as my emotions overtook any sense of dignity.

 

I haven't been able to fully forgive myself for what I nearly did to her. Even though I have not talked to her for more than a month, I am still recovering from my depression and the possibility that I could have hurt the one person I loved the most. I know there is no excuse for this behavior, but I wish my ex could recognize that the condition I was in at the time does not associate me as a potential abuser.

 

My ex told me she was not thinking of breaking up with me prior to this incident, but I found out that was a lie as she wrote on Tumblr that she was thinking for a while to break up with me due to my depression. My ex even told me I was a good person, but she could not trust me. I just don't understand how anyone would want to be friends with a potentially abusive partner, but my ex desperately wanted to be friends. How could she expect me to want to be friends with her after her actions? Why would she want to be friends with me after my actions? Any sort of insight or advice would help greatly. Thank you for reading this.

[toby4]

I think now more than ever you should be able to see why no contact is so important. stop checking her tumblr and other social outlets its only going to keep tearing open your wounds. Yes, what you did was wrong you shouldnt of "blown up" towards her so you have to understand that she's moving on and so should you. Her life is no longer any of your concern and she's made that very clear to you through her actions. Anyone can say they want to be friends but actions should speak much louder than words, just as i can say you won a million dollars it means nothing until you receive the money. What your getting from her is false hope, you REALLY need to stop contacting her and visiting her social outlets. Dhe knows how you feel about her you've made it clear nothing more you say or do will help that, itll only make things worse and push her further away. In time she may contact you but it will take time and she needs to make the choice to do that, its not up to you whether she forgives you for what you did.

[blackmilk]

I just wish she could understand the state that I was in. I wish she could see that someone who has been loving for eighteen months does not automatically become abusive from an incident, especially when they are more than willing to work through the issues and make the relationship even healthier than it ever was.

[toby4]

Yes it sucks that she isnt willing to work on things but a relationship takes effort from both sides, as much as it hurts if youre the only one trying to fix things nothings ever going to be solved.

[elle12]

You said yourself that she had already been thinking about it, so it doesn't especially matter if she understands the state you were in when you almost hit her. She used that as the "final straw" in order to break up with you without feeling guilty about it. Unfortunately at this point it looks like you're just going to have to do your best to move on and take what you learned in this relationship into your next one.

[shelty24]

As soon as she began cheating on you-this relationship was on the way out. Stop blaming yourself. You didn't hurt her

[catfeeder]

As soon as she began cheating on you-this relationship was on the way out. Stop blaming yourself. You didn't hurt her

 

I agree with this. You need to quit the contact and focus on your own issues.

[blackmilk]

She was hurt though. Her ex before me hit her one time, and she assumed I would become him. However, the difference between him and I is that he cheated on her twice, neglected her, and so on while I have only been loving and caring to her in all other instances besides a few minor fights between us. She was scared of me, but I don't think I traumatized her like she told me I did.

[sharky988]

This isn't a situation that you're going to be able to fix -- not right now, anyway.

 

For now, what you need to do is step away. You need to stop all contact -- especially following her online. You need to disappear from her world and make her disappear from yours.

 

You won't be bonded with her through trauma and pain.... or from your history together or with other people. Right now, she wants to be GONE and you have to accept this and let go.

 

Right now, you're searching for ways to reason yourself back into this relationship. This is called the Bargaining Stage of dealing with loss and grief and it's perfectly natural. But it's not going to work.

 

What DOES work is stepping away, giving the situation some space and time to play out as it's supposed to. Stop focusing on her and what she's posting everywhere and who she's with and what everything means.... and put the focus back where it belongs: on YOU, on healing, on feeling better.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting! You CAN and WILL get through this. :subdued:

[catfeeder]

She was hurt though. Her ex before me hit her one time, and she assumed I would become him. However, the difference between him and I is that he cheated on her twice, neglected her, and so on while I have only been loving and caring to her in all other instances besides a few minor fights between us. She was scared of me, but I don't think I traumatized her like she told me I did.

 

She doesn't need to be traumatized to leave, and she doesn't need your permission. It only takes one person to end a relationship, and there is no judge or jury that can decide for someone else what they want.

 

All relationships are voluntary. If one person wants out, it's futile to cry foul on that--they want out regardless of whether you like the reason they give you.

 

I'd leave her alone and work on your own issues so that you're better relationship material when you find someone who interests you someday. You've got too much to heal in yourself before you can expect that someone else will be willing to commit to you--a lover is not a therapist.

 

Head high, put your eyes back on your own paper, and work on your own stuff.

[blackmilk]

I have been working on myself, and I am a lot happier than I was two months ago. However, I can't seem to forgive myself for what I did. I feel so terrible that I would hurt the one I love most. What the is wrong with me?

[sharky988]

I think the affair with the other guy probably had more to do with her decision to end things than ANYTHING you said or did. Frankly it sounds to me like she was looking for an excuse to end things.

 

I think right now it might be easier to blame yourself and be angry at yourself for what you did.... than to face your feelings about what SHE did to you, which was pretty horrible.

[blackmilk]

In the beginning I thought it was a normal crush between them, I was hurt but I forgave her. She kept talking to the guy, and I found one time when she left her diary open in her room, that she wrote a very personal entry about him describing how she craved him. I was crushed, I felt like my heart was ripped out. Well, I guess she never lost feelings for him. She had an emotional affair until the very end. Hell, she had no respect for me in the slightest at the very end. She basically told me she can whoever she wants because she is single which, which is true, but why did it have to be the guy you emotionally cheated on me with.

 

I asked her for a second chance since I gave her one in regards to the emotional cheating, and she told me no since these two issues are not anywhere close to the same level.

[sharky988]

She has every right to NOT give you a second chance now, despite what you did or didn't do for her in the past.

 

I think in time you might come to see this whole breakup story very differently... to me, this looks like a story where she cheated on you and left you for someone else. I wouldn't blame myself for what happened.

[blackmilk]

She is not dating that guy though. They had a fling, but it didn't work out apparently. She is now off with some other guy, but in truth it doesn't matter. I need to just to focus on myself and become the person I would want to date. I need to become happy, confident, and independent like I was before.

[sharky988]

Wow -- now she sounds even WORSE! Didn't think that was possible.

[blackmilk]

She is not a bad person though, she is just damaged emotionally. My father put it best: "Most people do not know why they do the things in which they do". My ex came from a family where her father did not truly care about her, and her first boyfriend was horrible. I was the rebound that proved to her that she is worth something. I would show her how much she was worth to me constantly. I showed her that she was a beautiful, intelligent woman through my actions multiple times, and that someone did, in fact, love her. However, when things get rocky, I believe she needs self worth from men due to her past emotional issues with her father and her first boyfriend. That's why I think she emotionally cheated on me and why she had sex with two men in a three week time-frame. She wanted to know she was worth something when times got rough with me as we were in a long distance relationship when she confessed on emotionally cheating on me. She needed that self assurance. She has issues with men that she needs to work out on her own, and I can't "fix" her; only she can do that. Like I said, she is not a terrible person, she has many great qualities, but she is an emotionally damaged woman.