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A husband's cry to save his marriage


KEVO12

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I few days ago my wife gave me the most devastating news ever when she told me that she didn't love me anymore. It came like a deer in headlights. I never saw it coming. Long story Short; My wife was diagnosed with brain cancer a little over a year ago. This past year was probably the hardest and darkest time of our relationship. She has tried leaving me multiple time because in her words “She was trying to protect me from heart break" meaning, she did not want me to go through what I had to go through as a child with my mother. I lost my mother to Aids when I was 16 years old and it was the worst thing that I have ever experience. My wife understands that since my mother’s death, I have never been able to deal with death or anyone close to me being ill to well. Now that it has hit home, I became very scared because I didn't want to lose my wife. Through that year I was by her side through it all. Her health condition worsened and it seemed as if there was no hope but I stayed strong and we continue to fight. During this time I became depressed and for whatever reason I wasn't there for my wife in the last 2 months. I was hanging out with my friends and drink my sorrows away, in a way I was in denial of what was reality' so I was never home. My wife would call and text me contently to come home. She was suffering while I was out doing me. I became very proud and selfish with my feeling and completely defensive. Unfortunately, by being clueless and insensitive throughout the past 2 months of our marriage, I sent her the message that she and her feelings were insignificant. Instead of recognizing that she felt distressed by something, I immediately attempt to ignore her stress and shielded myself by quietly discrediting her or angrily attacking her with my emotion. I have become the worst husband in the world at this point. Because of my irresponsible action, my wife's heart has become stone like and I am afraid that I have lost her forever. I know what I have done to contribute to her pain. The one person she looked to for safety proved to be one most unsafe to her heart. I love my wife more than anyone can imagine a now I am going to lose her. She says that she is no longer in-love nor loves me the way she did before. Now she wants me to move out and says that she has already planned her future without me but she still wants me to remain on the family health issuance policy and our family phone plan after I agreed to move out and start completely over. I need to know if my wife will ever forgive me for betraying her when she need me most and is there any hope to saving my marriage. I am completely broken and need answers.

 

If emotional feelings could bleed, a man would see a trail of blood following his wife as she leaves him.

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Putting you aside for a moment, how is your wife doing health-wise? Is her prognosis promising? My heart goes out to her.

You said it yourself...you were being selfish and "doing you"...I'm not sure if your marriage will survive that betrayal. If she thought she was facing the end of her life it could have felt like she emotionally died knowing that the physical was to follow...honestly I can't imagine recovering from that. If she has a new lease on life, I would imagine she already knows you can't be there 'for better or worse' and might choose to move on. While I can empathize with you for not knowing how to deal, I can also empathize with her re-evaluating your marriage after you couldn't be there for her when she needed you most.

Best wishes to you.

Please provide more context by giving more details about her condition...is she okay now?

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Only your wife can answer if she will ever forgive you, but you're going to have to face the fact that you tore a chasm deeper than the Marianna Trench in your marriage and she may not ever get out of it by the time her end comes around. It's up to her now to decide if marriage to you in her last days is worth her energy and the stress the past year has put on her.

 

Instead of "doing you" with your buddies, you needed to be talking to a therapist to help you resolve your feelings of your mother's passing and now your wife's illness. It's a lesson you're going to have to learn the hard way and it was a totally unnecessary one, to be honest.

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Yes, she recently had 5 brain tumors and as of last week 3 were gone so now she is still left with 2. Her liver is also failing because of the medication that she's been taken. She is doing better then she was a few months ago but it been a battle with the cancer. She is a very strong women and has a heart of a champion. The doctors gave her 2 years to live if she doesn't take care of herself by eating right, not stressing and taking her meds. I truly realize that I am the reason why I am in the predicament and I have expressed that to my wife. She says that she is afraid to let me go but again she is afraid to have her heart betrayed. I know that only time will allow her heart to heal and that she will be the decider of our marriage. I just want to be there to take care of her and to be her rock like I once was before.

 

Thank you all for your responses and honesty.

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I would honestly suggest finding a therapist that specializes in dealing with major illness and diseases that have a high mortality rate to counsel both of you.

 

The combination of the feelings from her illness, the weakness and resentment for the harrowing treatments necessary, the loss of independence, and then the person she depended on bailing for part of the time - that's one heck of a lot of emotion to deal with at one time. And BOTH of you should find support groups independent of each other. She needs to feel free to express her resentment without worrying about how it affects you. You need an environment you can express your feelings of helplessness and panic so you can be rock steady around her. And you can't do that in a couples type therapy.

 

So I'd suggest both individual and couples, and support groups, to help. There's no shame in needing outlets and support - there would be way more in not doing your utmost to find a counselor and some groups that could offer it.

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Your wife is giving you a big kick up the a** and telling you she will not tolerate this behavior from you. She is ill and she needs you so man up and quit drinking. If the shoe was on the other foot she would be there every step of the way. One thing I have learned from my own father is that most women are a hell of a lot stronger than most men. She lost her twin sister, 3 weeks later he lost his best friend. While he fell apart and turned into an alcoholic-she stayed strong.

 

They got through it even though she did leave him for 2weeks last year. There is hope but you gotta prove to her that you can be the man she needs.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't be so forgiving. I have zero respect for weak people but that's me. Hopefully your wife can get past it

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