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Recently broke up, giving space, long term relationship, little help please?


NGR

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Hi all,

 

So been in a 4 year relationship, broke up about 2 months ago, in that time there hasn't really been a long time go by without a text, email, phone call or meeting.

 

Long story short, mistakes were made, I've tortured myself beyond words about it, its gone from her not wanting me to talk to her, to texting, speaking, to meeting...a coldish one at that saying...we are not getting back together, to spending a day together full of laughs, happiness and flirting.

 

Just a week ago we met up, and ended up talking about the situation, I told her how I can now see what I wanted from us but somehow didn't know all along and love her so much, she got really upset as its what she wanted/wants, there was hugging, we kissed, she said she is still really attracted to me and it was hard to stop things going further than kissing, she said in one way she could just get back together, I know she cares for me and by emotions hope she still loves me, she even joked about which side of the bed would be hers etc... as I am a humorous person and try to keep things light, then comes the but, she said she feels she needs space away from me as wants to get her head straight as wants to make the right decision for her, this implies she may think of trying again. I find this so hard as to me we made such progress last week, the more we talk the more seems to be resolved. One of the biggest issues I promised things would change and they didn't, so my words are almost meaningless, ive started making changes for myself, and her too which she has seen, but struggle to understand how she can see the rest to believe my words if we are not in contact?

 

I have to say its me who has done most of the chasing with her just contacting me once when I managed to leave her alone for nearly two weeks and when we spit up it was almost mutual, like I couldn't see how good she was, probably a common story.

 

Basically ive had issues which have stopped me living my life, almost like a fear of everything, thanks to some therapy its like ive woken up and feel in the moment and want to do all the things I didn't before with great excitement which I know she would luv to do.

 

I am just finding it so hard to not get in touch, yet I know its whats she wants and I need to do, as I don't want to lose her or her to forget me, rationally thinking im sure what wouldn't happen.

 

I also don't want to try to move on by thinking of things that were not right about us, then possibly start to go off her, by which time she comes back and the roles are reversed.

 

Can anyone give any advice please?

 

Many thanks in advance

 

NGR

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do you want her to come back because she can't help herself and you are pushing her? or do you want her to come back because she has thought about it and WANTS to be back with you? if its the first, then it shows that your love is selfish and all about your wants and needs. if your answer is the second ,then you have your head screwed on right this time and have a hope of having a reciprocated healthy relationship. be patient. you have shown her you have regrets and want to be with her. now she has to make a choice. respect her choice.

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What was her reason for breaking up with you? This likely hasn't changed in two months.

 

Hanging out with your ex, staying in touch, getting physical, flirting..... to YOU, these might seem like baby steps to reconciliation.

 

To her? What you're doing is holding her hand through this break up. You're her safety net. She doesn't have to face the loss of YOU in her life..... because she knows if she ever changes her mind, you're right there waiting.

 

But she's not coming back to you, is she? She's not telling you no.... but she's not telling you YES.

 

She wants you there as a Plan B. And the longer you allow her to use you as an emotional crutch and surrogate boyfriend... the less respect and attraction she feels for you.

 

Man up. You can make your case and let her know that if she's not interested in reconciliing, you're walking away so YOU can heal and move on. That's what an attractive, confident, self-respecting person does after a break up.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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Thanks for the replies.

 

The second one, I want her to WANT to be with me, like I would hope most people would.

 

I am trying my hardest to be patient, only problem is it seems things got better when we actually saw each other and spoke, after the pain had reduced it seems. I don't want to leave it too long I guess

 

The reason was she felt we are too different, but more so and I feel because when it was mentioned before I had not spent the time with her I should have and she was not at the top of my priority list where she should have been, so I had said I would address these things but foolishly did not

 

Now, that I can see the light and have almost woken up I just want to put it all right, as she tried so hard to get me to do the things together, it pains me more than I can say.

 

So do you think with the giving her space and no contact she would start to feel the loss of me not being there and come back to me?

 

I appreciate the input, im sure everyone says this, but she really is one in a million, she actually said she does not want to keep me hanging on but just felt she needed space from me, almost like she may be 75% thinking to try again but not sure in case my words didn't happen again, I know, I know, my own fault.

 

I get what your saying and I know I need to heal, but I don't feel ready to say.. come on or im walking...as if just doesn't feel right.

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There is no 75% maybe someday..... there is only her, having broken up with you, feeling uncertain that she'll meet someone else and wanting to keep you around as backup.

 

I know this sounds incredibly harsh. But in this respect, your girl ISN'T one in a million. She's doing what the vast majority of dumpers do: trying to keep you around as an emotional safety net.

 

Of course it doesn't feel right to say "come back or I'm done".... you WANT to hang on and cling to the hope that if you're nice enough and remorseful enough, she'll change her mind. But people don't work that way... actually, the more you make yourself available to her, the LESS attracted to you she becomes, because she can see you are acting weak and clingy.

 

I can't say if you go No Contact, focus on yourself and work on healing that she'll miss you and change her mind. Usually, that doesn't happen. Most breakups are permanent.

 

But it's pretty much your ONLY shot. And more importantly -- MUCH more importantly -- it's the best way for YOU to really start to heal from this breakup. Check out that link I posted above, it's a guide which was written by a fellow member here and many people find it very helpful.

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As I am a humorous person and try to keep things light, then comes the but, she said she feels she needs space away from me as wants to get her head straight as wants to make the right decision for her, this implies she may think of trying again.

 

She told you what you need to do if you ever want to have another shot with her. I can't tell you it's going to be a success for sure but it's the ONLY way.

Furthermore, it's the only way for you to heal and to make those changes permanent and believable - do you want to disappoint her by telling her you've changed and let her see you've really not changed (Changing takes time, old habits come running back if those changes aren't permanently inscribed in ourselves...) ?

 

And stop making probabilities... 75%, 50%, 32,5% are just numbers... Reality is : She is with you or she's not. That's all.

 

EDIT : just realized I basically repeated what Sharky said. So let's just add that I agree with her

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Thanks guys

 

Sharky, ive just read that guide, really good stuff in there, thank you

 

Let me just add something to make it clear as I didn't before, we had been speaking about breaking up for a few months, and each time she asked how I felt about it, then we sort of just carried on together, the night we broke up I agreed as felt it was the right thing so was from then we parted. So it was I guess mutual on that night, it was the next week I started to realise the mistake

 

She said sex would be easy but didn't want to use me or be friends with benefits as thought a lot more of me than that, if it makes a difference.

 

Brotherhood, my gut tells me the same, its just so hard not to text or whatever, this is just it, no, I don't want to disappoint her or let her down again, and I wont, reason being my therapist said I have made amazing breakthroughs in the last two months. Imagine me acting as a child, not believing someone could love me like that, but at the same time being too scared to go away with her, get on a plane or spend the time with her I should have or more importantly move in together which is what she wanted. Something has changed inside me regardless of my ex, I want to see the world, get on a plane, live my life and more than anything for her to live with me. So I 100% know I would not let her down, otherwise I really would just walk away as wouldn't want to put her through more disappointment like I have before, twice in fact. When she wanted to break up but I promised to do other things and didn't, still hurts to say that.

 

Thank you again, this is really helping me

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Of course it's hard when you love someone to stop contacting her. But trust me and trust Sharky (and others !) on this one : it is nowhere near as hard as receiving a text from her which somewhat says "I really like you as a person and I like to be with you but I can't say I love you anymore", direct consequence of you staying in contact with her when she explicitly told you not to...

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Hi guys,

 

So an update, I somehow managed follow your advice and not contact her...

 

Then after 10 days she called we had a talk, I was quite composed and managed to avoid mentioning...us...and just kept it nice and light, also managed to avoid pushing and trying to make any sort of plan to meet up, so against all I wanted to really just and left it open at the end.

 

Soooo I guess leave it to her to contact me again, as she said she would?

 

Thanks!

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Okay, by *NOT* bringing up the relationship.... you are heading into the friendzone.

 

Really... you broke up 10 days ago and she's calling to chat like girlfriends? Is that what you want?

 

If you continue to let her use you as an emotional safety net through this breakup, all you're doing is helping *her* to move on without you... while delaying your own healing and keeping yourself in a state of limbo. The more you allow her to use you this way, the less respect -- and attraction -- she has for you. It's like a lose/lose/lose scenario.

 

My advice is to tell her that unless she wants to discuss getting back together, you need a period of time without contact so you can move on. She has *no right* to expect someone she's just broken up with to be there as her platonic buddy to chat with every time she feels bored or lonely or guilty.

 

EDIT: Omg -- I just saw you broke up two months ago? Please, end this contact now. You don't need to be mean about it -- but YOU need time to recover.

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NGR, our situations seem very similar. Two months out of a LTR (over 10 years) and barely a day had gone by without contact be it text, in person, phone call. Always initiated by my ex who ended things as he felt unappreciated by me.

 

I am also afraid to push him away and have been agreeing to being friends. There is a lot of attraction there and we spend time together cuddling, watching TV etc. it's almost like being in a relationship without the title at times.

 

However whenever we speak he says his mind is made up, he says Never as never, but at the moment he sees no future for us.

 

Everybody tells me to move on, cut ck tact, forge him, but it's so hard. He have to been dealing with the situation? Have you cut contact?

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Lulu, I really feel for you, please understand I am by no means an expert, however have read many, many, many pages and watched videos on Youtube, check out Ashley Kay and Relationship Inner Game for what I feel some very sincere and helpful advice. Yes they both ultimately want you to buy their program, but also give away a lot for free, sign up for their free newsletters

 

With my situation, I can now see even actions from two months ago, were cold, the words...were not getting back together...were said in a defiant and angry tone, the conversation was forced and the body language alone should have told me to keep away.

 

I would say that you do need to step away, the bit that really spoke to me is...allowing them time to miss you...which I realised I had not done. Therefore I really feel you need to either become distant, or say you just need time away from him. This should, and obviously no guarantee make him see what he is missing. Otherwise the situation you have could just go on forever, and become like the person you fancied at school, who would never actually fancy you back and you would be forever frustrated.

 

Maybe some of the other guys could help you too?

 

I think ulitnmatley you need to...see...or...feel...the other person make an effort, but I cant help but say seeing him every day is not good, seriously check out the people I said on youtube and hope you would feel a lot better

 

Good luck

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Ok you clearly want her back but odds are that is not going to happen. She asked for space so you don't have much of a choice here. She wants space - so give it to her. You can make it clear that you'd like to give it another try but DO NOT keep bringing it up and pressuring her (I think you've made it clear already). Let her make her own mind up and give her the chance to miss you. It's a long shot but it's the only one you have.

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Thanks glowguy

 

Yes, somehow when I realised I had no choice, it made it...not easier...but like I had to do it.

 

Hence why I did, and am still giving her time and space, I am pleased she contacted me, it shows making the effort, and from the conversation it didn't feel like just friends. Like you say, I have told her what I want. I have known her a long time and she actually puts others feelings before her own, so although I can see what was meant, I really don't feel she is using me as an emotional crutch or putting me into the friends zone. There were too many positives from our meetings the other week.

 

Just have to stay patient and hope.

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