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boyfriends family is driving me insane HELP


whatthef

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okay so i want to start off by saying that we have been together 3 1/2 years now and have been talking about engagement and marriage. we are both in our 20's. i have always been okay with basically everything and got over things really fast. up until recently i started feeling like i cant take it anymore. okay so his mom says things to me like "wow are you getting fat" and "i dont like your hair like that change it back to blonde" and basically always has some bullshi* to say to me but laughs it off like shes kidding. i have ALWAYS been super polite and nice to all of his family, ESPECIALLY her. shes always telling us what to do with our money and how and where we should spend it. always putting her 2 cents into everything. both of his parents work and have VERY good paying jobs but she always asks him for money or telling his 14 year old sister to take money from him. now i know its HIS money but im trying to plan a future with him . for my birthday he bought me very nice flowers and i loved them and didnt expect anything else so when he told me he didnt have money to get something else i understood. BUT 2 weeks later he gets his sister a brand new iphone and is paying for her bill. (the first year i got nothing for my birthday and he got her an ipad... SHE WAS 12....) he then tells me how his parents are probably saving to move back to our country and they want to leave his sister with him.... i told him multiple times that he is not her father and they are more than capable of paying for her and im not going to raise her idc. he understood and told me he would talk to them and he did. the thing is his mom doesnt care she listened agreed and went on her mary way of doing everything again. when she says rude things to me he tells me when we get to his room not to listen to her. doesnt even bother to stand up for me when clearly shes disrespectful. again i told him about this and almost broke up with him and he got really sad and promised he would change and everything. but i just cant get it out of my head. if i asked him not to buy the phone that its his parents job , why not listen. why is it so fricken hard to stand up to your mom, i stand up to mine for you when its necessary so wth. im over his mom crying so hell feel bad for her. my family has never disrespected him not once not ever so i know he will never understand how it feels. i know his mom means well when she gives us advice but honestly i dont care. i have my own opinions her input isnt needed. and whats worse is that my boyfriend thinks shes a god. he says he knows she wrong but whenever she has an input he agrees with her. he finances and caters them when they dont need it they are well off. i dont think its normal that everytime his sister wants something her first instinct is to ask him and not her parents. she doesnt appreciate anything either, NOTHING. this has been going on for most of our relationship and i never said anything until recently. but i have been fighting this for almost 2 months now and i really just dont know. i know that he loves me and i know that we are on the same page with the engagment and everything but i just cant take this , it is literally driving me crazy. his mother also told him how the flowers he got me were too expensive and i later found out from his sister that she told him not to get anything else. he tells him how my engament ring should be about 2000$ and if my dream ring is $1 ill be happy but dont tell him how much to spend on my ring.

 

honestly im just worried that if it doesnt stop now that things are going to be alot worse when we are married. i have kept my mouth shut for too long and i told him if hes not going to stand up for me ill do it myself but it wont be pretty and we will probably end up breaking up.

 

i dont need her anymore. we both were born in a different country but we were raised here. and my parents realized that i cant be raised the way they were when im living in america, and unlike most foreign girls i dont care what people say or think about me. im polite and not a or party animal therefore its non of anyones business what i do with my life. his parents on the other hand are traditional and annoying foreign people that want everything their way and they think i dont have the right to stand up for myself. and at the rate this is going i have a feeling theyre going to find out really soon how i feel.

 

 

 

i really really really love him and ik he feels the same way, i just dont know what to do...

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What you see is what you get. He loves his family more and his family controls him. Blood is thicker and all that.... You really don't stand a chance against them. The sad reality is that your bf is a total momma's boy and whatever momma says, goes. You will not win if it's you v. momma. I wouldn't even think about stepping into this sort of a situation.

 

The problem with marriage is that things are not going to get better. You marry him AND his family. Think about it - how would they even know what he spent on the flowers for you? He has no boundaries that's how. As for his sister telling him not to get you anything else, I'm guessing he listened. He is never going to stand up to his family or change the dynamics. Either this is something you can totally live with and be happy or you better run and run fast. Sometimes we love a person who is just wrong for us. Don't marry him unless you love his family dynamics also. You won't fix this situation.

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I have been through a similar thing, where my boyfriend's family actually didn't want him dating me. But, he is dating me. He doesn't stand up to his family, he does not and would not disrespect them, but he is dating me. I have to live with the fact that his family will probably never accept me. As long as my boyfriend is making me feel loved, and he treats me how I want to be treated, that is what matters.

 

Whether his sister told him not to buy you anything else for your bday or not, does not matter. What matters, is whether or not you were happy with what he got you. If not, then you need to address that with him. His treatment towards you is all that matters. No one can control their parents. I do not hold my boyfriend accountable for the horrible behavior of his family, and he does not hold me accountable for the horrible behavior of my mother. What we do hold each other accountable for, is how we treat each other.

 

Ignore the parents. They are not your relationship. I'm not sure if he still lives with them or not, or why you have to be around them. Don't.

 

When I was originally married, my ex mother in law actually tried to set up my ex husband on a date with another woman before we got married. She thought we were too young to get married. It finally came down to me not interacting with her. I didn't marry her. Later, she came around.

 

Don't throw away a good guy for the wrongs of his family. Let him deal with them. Hold him responsible for how he treats you. Don't interact with his family.

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he flowers were beautifull and after i told him how i felt he went out and surprised me with some victoria secret things and poor guy waited in line for 2 hours because it just so happened to be the semi anual sale. hahahahah thats what he gets.

 

but i meant his sister told me that his mom told him that the flowers were enough. i was happy but dont tell me you didnt get me anything because of money issues when we both know thats not the case you just had to buy your sister a phone. when i told him not to get it he agreed that it wasnt his place but his mother basically told him he had to get it.

 

i know hes trying and i know he wants to change so i am going to give it some time to see what actually happens. i would never make him choose between me or them thats just plain stupid and i wouldnt want him to disrespect them but if you plan on marrying me im not going to put up with her . ever. i speak my mind and his mom thinks just because she can walk all over him , that she can walk all over me too. WRONG. i know that family is first but when you decide to marry someone thats when you are making youre own family so yours no longer had an input.

 

i have a feeling if it doesnt change that im going to blow up and never speak to him again.

 

i am a good gf. loyal i dont party or do drugs im in school have a job i dont disrespect him in any way or anyone for that matter i can cook deliciously and let him do whatever he wants basically, never tell him no to something that he wants to do. and if he doesnt see what he has soon hes goinig to regret it later.

 

 

i just wasnt raised this way. my parents also have a good amount of money but my mom has never been the one to disrespect others unless she is being disrespected. i was rasied to say hi and bye please and thank you always respect your elders. but i was also raised to not let someone pick on me just because they feel like it.

 

she also doesnt like that i take antidepressent and anxiety medication because she says " i dont need them". i went through alot when i was younger and i cant controll how it affected me therefore she can go F herself.

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/snip... when you decide to marry someone thats when you are making youre own family so yours no longer had an input.

 

That's what you believe and that is correct thinking, imo. However, unless his actions today indicate to you that he is on the same page, then don't hold your breath that he'll start seeing things that way once married. It generally doesn't work like that. People come from different backgrounds and family cultures. A large part of compatibility is seeing eye to eye on things like above. Right now, it doesn't seem like you two are there. So don't jump on the marriage wagon unless you are certain that you are both on the same page about what proper boundaries for parents are.

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i deff agree on that, im not rushing into anything an i already told him i refuse to marry him until he gets this worked out. we are on the same page and he knows what his mom is doing is wrong. i really feel like if she doesnt f off soon im going to lose it. i told him last night that if it continues we wont. im just hoping it doesnt continue..

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Another mama's boy problem. Read my story, it's pretty sad, similar to yours. We tried everything, therapy, etc. Still ended up breaking up. We still love each extremely, we both got depressed, after his family told him to kick me out of the house, he turned to bottles, gained about 30 lbs, I lost 10 lbs, my work suffered, his house became empty, brightness turned into darkness, all of what we went through was just because his family did not accept me anymore.

 

He's a white boy, can you believe this? I could almost turn my story into a movie, but it would be a sad ending movie.

 

Trust me on this, I tried everything, couple counseling, individual counseling, talked it out 10 thousand times with him, and nothing worked, his family had the control of everything. His mom and his sister were running the show and our relationship. They decided whether we should be together or not, and when they said No, he had to lie to them about me. He did that for six months until I found out because something just didn't feel right.

 

Imagine that when you two get married, his sister and his mom are going to get into your business, they will talk to him, and they will have secrets together that you won't know about. He will still do nice things for you, but anything important, he will not include you. As long as they don't like you, their son is going to do what they want, it will never be less than what they want, he will have to always balance between what they want and what you want.

 

Can you live like that? Seriously think about it.

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He usually does what I say (not like a ) just understands and changes it. I'm hoping he changes this too or I know I won't marry him. I can't live like that , I loved like that with my parents when I was younger until I say them down and explained some things. I really don't want to lose him I mean you would think almost 4 years in we would be even a little bored but it's the complete opposite. I'm going to try until I feel that I have done enough, I want to know I did everything I could because if we break up it's for good. I never did the whole take a break for a few months thing. All I know is I'm jot telling him to choose me or us but he needs to put them in their place and put down his foot or we can't continue.

 

 

Even if I do say something , in her eyes I'll be the bad guy and I don't ever want to be the reason someone doesn't speak with someone else. I would choose for him before I am "that girl"..

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