I want to date but nothing serious

[hodgeheg]

I don't think that I want a relationship and I'm unsure whether this is because I'm commitment phobic or scared or simply a rational, normal thought that indicates nothing at all, other than that I'm happy as I am.

 

It's been over 2 years since I first joined ENA, following the break up of my almost 4 year, first relationship. And I feel like now is a time to reflect on how I've changed and developed over that time, and assess where I am now in my personal life.

 

Since October 2011 I have not had a boyfriend. I have had a guy tell me he loved me (after dating for a few weeks - you Americans are dramatic!), fwbs, one night stands, holidays flings, a guy want a relationship and me not, a guy with whom I thought I wanted a relationship with but he didn't, and everywhere in between nothing and an actual relationship. Overall I have had something with (even if it was just a date) probably around 40 guys. 3 years ago I thought I would be with my ex-bf forever and that I couldn't so much as breathe without him in my life, massive change.

 

Most of my friends are in relationships, some are married and some have children, and my parents and family members often drop the "So have you got a fella?" question. To which I answer no, because explaining that I have an online dating profile, am sleeping with one guy, and there's potentially an ex-fwb hanging round again is a little TMI for my mother.

 

So then I question if I actually want a relationship. I am pretty good at casual and I think I like it. My ideal situation is a safe sex situation, with occasional contact (texting) and a cuddle afterwards from a guy who kinda likes me as a person and would perhaps shed a tear if I died tomorrow but would be fine if things ended. I don't even want to be taken out, I have friends to do fun things with, just physical intimacy really.

 

I guess my question is whether that's okay? Whether other people feel like that? I think I second guess myself because it is not conventional/socially the norm for a woman to act like this. I think a big part of the responses I get may hinge on my age - which is 21. I kind of feel like I want to wait for a relationship. But with my current mind set, when I decide I want a relationship, will I struggle to find a man who accepts my current (would then obviously be old) lifestyle? And I also worry thar by the time my attitude changes it may be too late to find a decent man or even to have children. Or, if the right person comes along, would my outlook change?

 

Summary - 21 year old female, enjoys the physical side of relationships but requires nothing more from a partner. Normal? Okay? Will I stop feeling like this one day?

 

Thanks for listening ENA, and for being there over the past few years.

[NorthDallas40]

It sounds completely normal to me.

[goodheartlady]

A lot of - if not most - men your age are not looking for anything serious either. Enjoy!

[ecaryn]

Ditto. Not only regardless of your age, but specifically because of your age.

 

As to the future, your views on relationships will naturally change as your needs do and you'll have no obligation to disclose (in any great detail) your past experiences to future prospects as long you remain safe in your practices and conscientiously have yourself tested periodically. Beyond that, anyone else's business, it will remain not.

[pl3asehelp]

I personally wouldn't be compatible with anyone who has sex without emotion or attachment like that. Unlike most, I don't see the ability to turn off emotions as a positive trait. I believe if you can do that you would also be able to be unbelievably cruel to others.

 

It might be normal by today's standards, by so is the highest divorce and depression rates of all time and I think this cultivated ability to be cold when one chooses is why.

[NorthDallas40]

I personally wouldn't be compatible with anyone who has sex without emotion or attachment like that.

 

You're also 17 years older than the OP.

 

And even if you felt this way when you were her age, I'd venture to guess that most attractive 21-year olds wouldn't share your view.

[pl3asehelp]

You're also 17 years older than the OP.

 

And even if you felt this way when you were her age, I'd venture to guess that most attractive 21-year olds wouldn't share your view.

 

Yeah, I already said I'm in the minority. Also pointed out the majority seems to be pretty screwed up and sad, so if that's what you're aspiring to, by all means, join the lemmings.

[John John]

Yeah, I already said I'm in the minority. Also pointed out the majority seems to be pretty screwed up and sad, so if that's what you're aspiring to, by all means, join the lemmings.

 

Enjoying casual sex doesn't make anyone screwed up or sad, I don't think. I enjoy it from time to time and I'm sure as hell not sad before, during, or after!

 

As long as both parties know what they're getting into...no problem!

[NorthDallas40]

Also pointed out the majority seems to be pretty screwed up and sad, so if that's what you're aspiring to, by all means, join the lemmings.

 

And today's award for Most Sweeping Generalization Based On Opinion Instead Of Fact With A Heaping Helping Of High-Horse Condescension goes to...

[pl3asehelp]

Enjoying casual sex doesn't make anyone screwed up or sad, I don't think. I enjoy it from time to time and I'm sure as hell not sad before, during, or after!

 

As long as both parties know what they're getting into...no problem!

 

You're missing the point. Cultivating a way to detach from your emotions isn't likely to be an asset to you in the long term.

[John John]

Cultivating a way to detach from your emotions isn't likely to be an asset to you in the long term.

 

Oh, I agree with you. And I know my limits. That's why I'm very careful when managing FWB relationships. And it's only from time to time...it's not going to be for the rest of my life. Just to bridge the gap in between relationships.

[Justnotsure]

I just think you need to make sure you're true to yourself and honest with yourself. If the place you are in right now is that of wanting to keep it casual, then do it!

 

While I was never really into/capable of casual sex, I did date a lot of different people in my 20's, and I think it helps a LOT now that I'm settled down in my early 30's. I don't have those "what if" questions that I would have had if I'd force myself to settle down at 23 just because I could have.

 

Enjoy yourself, and don't force anything!

[chr8st8na]

Nothing is wrong with casual dating.... I get burned out but hey lots of ppl got better stamina than i do (ND) lol

[savignon]

At 21 years old, there's no reason to force yourself to want a relationship or long term commitment. Your opinion and thoughts might change over time, you might meet the right guy, you might not be suited for a long term thing...you have pleeeeenty of time to figure it out. Just make sure you're not doing anything that makes you feel badly about yourself and enjoy the phase you're in now!!

LOL @ MJDC..."I don't feel bad before, during or after!" That made me smile.

[John John]

LOL @ MJDC..."I don't feel bad before, during or after!" That made me smile.

 

That's what I'm here for

[mbee]

Yeah, I already said I'm in the minority. Also pointed out the majority seems to be pretty screwed up and sad, so if that's what you're aspiring to, by all means, join the lemmings.

 

This is all so subjective. I'm an attractive 25 year old woman and have only slept with one person. I have had PLENTY of opportunities for sex without emotion and attachment but it's simply NOT in my nature to do so. Just my personal values and morals. I have MANY close, beautiful female friends who feel this way, and MANY close, beautiful female friends who don't. Maybe I attract friends with similar morals, I'm not sure... but I definitely have a mix of friends who have different moral outlooks on it. Ultimately it's someone's personal choice how they choose to live their lives. I don't care one way or the other.

 

OP I think at 21 this is normal. Although I wasn't into the casual sex thing at 21, I sure as hell was very against a committed relationship. I had a couple of FWBs (without intercourse), a 2 year relationship, and dated plenty of guys. I was happy and I've had so many amazing opportunities because of it. 21 is WAY too young to settle down anyway. Your views will likely change. I'm still not ready for marriage myself, but I'm definitely more open to it than I was a few years ago. Live your life now, and worry about sharing it with someone else later.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think at 21 this is totally normal. I think you'll find that most guys in your age group will be glad you feel this way.

 

I went through the same phase from about 23-27. Now I've decided I want something else but it's still nice to know I have the ability to have a FWB situation if the opportunity arises.

 

Go with what makes you most comfortable for now and just know that in the future things could change. Actually, they probably will.

[greta96]

My ideal situation is a safe sex situation, with occasional contact (texting) and a cuddle afterwards from a guy who kinda likes me as a person and would perhaps shed a tear if I died tomorrow but would be fine if things ended. I don't even want to be taken out, I have friends to do fun things with, just physical intimacy really..

 

This is EXACTLY what I'm looking for too, you described it better than I ever managed to! Ok I would also like to go out every now and then with the person (splitting the costs) and do something fun (play some pool, grab something to eat, go for a drink).

It is normal I think, sometimes we are at points in our lives where a relationship just doesn't fit in. When you're ready, you'll know.

[Ms Darcy]

You're missing the point. Cultivating a way to detach from your emotions isn't likely to be an asset to you in the long term.

 

This is a valid point and OP I think you should give it some thought. I don't judge you for your choices. And in fact I think it's great that you aren't one of those young women who is on a mission for a relationship. Just take care not to swing the pendulum too far the other way.

 

In other words, there are people who become so focused on the physical, they actually numb a bit to the emotional. They may start to discover it's hard to find someone they like emotionally and get extra picky or generally feel dissatisfied with their choices because, ultimately, they are not truly able to attach emotionally.

 

So, as an example, then you end up with 40-year old bachelors chasing young girls and then dropping them after the thrill of the chase wears off. It's sad really.

 

Just something for you to think about.

[Thorshammer]

I dont prefer it, i am a relationship guy. If we have sex while we are in the dating process, then we have sex. But i dont turn those into fwb or open-relationships- i dont want that, i would just leave and keep looking for the next girl who might be my gf. For some reason this makes me a player and a jerk...

 

My ex thought like you, i changed things around with her. We dated for 3 years.

[savignon]

I dont prefer it, i am a relationship guy. If we have sex while we are in the dating process, then we have sex. But i dont turn those into fwb or open-relationships- i dont want that, i would just leave and keep looking for the next girl who might be my gf. For some reason this makes me a player and a jerk...

.

 

That doesn't make you a player or a jerk....unless you're being dishonest about how you feel and sleeping with multiple girls/women while one of them thinks you're dating exclusively. And yes, not telling them (omission) is the same thing. Its not up to the girl to force the conversation when you already know you're not into her.

OP, I think you're in good shape. I'd take MsDarcys advice too...be careful not to swing too far to the other side where you soon find its hard to attach to anyone. It seems like it can easy go that way. Or, go that way and then find your happy medium. Just enjoy your journey...it'll all work out!

[chr8st8na]

i think someone mentioned that people dont know what they want... and I think thats true with 90% of ppl out there... whatever type of relationships it is- if there is a strong physical attraction/emotional attachment between you two or just one of u having for the other, well it can change ur whole outlook/attitude about relationship.

[Blue Spiral]

You're missing the point. Cultivating a way to detach from your emotions isn't likely to be an asset to you in the long term.

 

I personally think that people's emotional needs are fixed, in the sense that they're locked in place and unchanging. We see it on ENA all the time: someone wants a relationship with this type of guy, they settle for FWBs with another type of guy, and they're miserable as a result. I don't think that FWBs or no-strings sex changes one's ability to emotionally connect to people. Either you can emotionally detach enough to do it, or you can't. Now, it may change your outlook on relationships, but you could say that about almost anything. Tons of things can change a person's opinion/outlook on relationships, from family history to things that happen to friends.

 

tl;dr, being FWBs with someone isn't going to turn them into me. I was already me long before I did FWBs. Whatever social constructs we choose to enter, we'll leave them with the same needs we came in with.

[hodgeheg]

Thank you to everyone for your responses, both positive and not so. I feel more reassured that the way I am is not abnormal, and not seen in a bad way by the majority of people. I think my questioning came about because I live in a shared house with a guy who, when he moved in, was quite into me (I think!), and I him. However, he then obviously learnt about my current dating attitude and the flirting stopped and I don’t think anything would happen between us now. He’s the kind of guy who has only slept with 2 people, both of whom he was in a relationship with, and essentially great long-term material. I’m afraid that, when I do want to settle down, a guy like that wouldn't touch me with a barge pole. But then, like somebody said, he wouldn’t necessarily have to know about my current attitude (and yes, I am safe).

 

Anyway,

I personally wouldn't be compatible with anyone who has sex without emotion or attachment like that. Unlike most, I don't see the ability to turn off emotions as a positive trait. I believe if you can do that you would also be able to be unbelievably cruel to others.

 

It might be normal by today's standards, by so is the highest divorce and depression rates of all time and I think this cultivated ability to be cold when one chooses is why.

This is a valid point and OP I think you should give it some thought. I don't judge you for your choices. And in fact I think it's great that you aren't one of those young women who is on a mission for a relationship. Just take care not to swing the pendulum too far the other way.

 

In other words, there are people who become so focused on the physical, they actually numb a bit to the emotional. They may start to discover it's hard to find someone they like emotionally and get extra picky or generally feel dissatisfied with their choices because, ultimately, they are not truly able to attach emotionally.

 

So, as an example, then you end up with 40-year old bachelors chasing young girls and then dropping them after the thrill of the chase wears off. It's sad really.

 

Just something for you to think about.

I think you essentially make the same point, only Ms Darcy words it in a nicer way! I do think about whether I have an issue with emotional attachment, and this has played on my mind for quite some time. However, aside from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship my life is full of people who I am emotionally attached to. I have a large, loving family with parents who have been married for over 20 years, and friends ranging from those I met as a child to work colleagues. I am emotionally attached to their relationships. I am also not cruel, I work with children and have previously worked with adults with special needs, who I did and do care for. I think my dating ways are more of a thick skin than an attachment issue. Of those guys I’ve been involved with over the past 2 years I’d say a good 60 – 70% have been the ones to end whatever scenario we were in. It amazes me when people post on here about being distraught over someone who they’ve been on one date with. It isn’t that I’m not disappointed when a guy decides he doesn’t want anything with me anymore, but more that I have perspective on the situation. I know that no man I date/sleep with/etc could ever hurt me as much as I was hurt by the ending of my LTR. I think I’m just rational in those situations, when I may be emotionally hurt by rejection I am able to engage my brain and talk myself happy again. Surely that isn't a bad thing?

 

p.s. Sorry, I have the tendency to talk a lot.