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I met A 7 months ago and felt like I was woken up from a coma....he brings me happiness, life and makes me feel alive again, I have never been happier. we used to work together and now he has moved to another department but we are still together and I love him dearly.

 

But I am lying to my spouse, I am working late and trying to balance my two worlds.

 

I have been married to J for 7 years and we have three children together, all under 5. we have a very strong community therefore divorce is looked down on and not supported, it is not the done thing in our community and I would not have the support of any of my family. this is not so much the problem as the fact that if it came out, there should be shame within the community and my parents will disown me, and I would loose the children as they would make life hell for A.

 

J and me haven't had sex for two years (incase people say i am putting him at risk, me and J haven't even hugged since the twins were born in 2011) and there is no spark between us anymore...and since meeting A, I have found something I know had been missing from my life. Loosing A will be the most painful thing in the world...and I don't want to be in a marriage of obligation, pining over A and thinking of what could have been.

 

I grew up with parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids, to keep face in the community...and it wasn't very nice. they hated one another and blamed my sisters and me for their unhappiness. my mother always used to cheat on my father, and I don't blame her.....he wasn't very nice and when he was dying, I was the one who nursed him through cancer. He said his life had been a waste and he would have made different choices. This was many years ago, before my kids were born and I his words stuck with me- but me and J were happy then and had everything to look fwd to.

 

I know it is A I want to be with but J is not letting me go. he wants to make it work....for the kids.....if he found out about A he would take sole custody of them and the house (because he earns x10 what I do and adultery wont work in my favour)

 

so I am at the crossroads to and don't know what to do

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What exactly have you done with A other than having an emotional attachment to him? Has there been anything physical between you two? If so, why would you go and do this knowing full well what the ramifications would be? Balancing your 2 worlds will end up being very messy.

 

What have you and your husband done to address your marital issues? Seems like staying together for the sake of the kids will leave you in lifeless marriage full of resentment and kids pick up on that.

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Cheating deals with a lot of issues, specifically GIGS, in that you are getting what you want without having to work at what you currently have.

 

You have made your choices and thought about the ramifications. The thing is, you have seen from your parents a vision of the future. You have many hard choices to make and it will be easy for us to judge you but know that the other man is not your knight in shining armor.

 

Things just look better right now.

 

I don't suggest a pros/cons list but I do suggest you thinking about what you could live with.

 

1. A lie, but you work on your marriage and end the cheating.

2. The truth, but you work on picking up your life and making a new one with a possible divorce.

3. Continuing the lie (cheating) and stringing your husband along and your family.

 

In none of the cases does it appear to end up happy, but it can. What can you live with?

 

I have been in an affair with a married woman and she chose option 1. Its what she can live with because of family, pride, and ego. In her case, no kids are involved and she's a strong person, but she is settling for a little happiness over destroying her world and rebuilding it.

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Loosing A will be the most painful thing in the world...and I don't want to be in a marriage of obligation, pining over A and thinking of what could have been.

 

Think again, this would pale in comparison to the potential loss of your children. This is a disaster in the making, as you're living in the moment, as opposed to thinking long term.

 

If your marriage is not working, the answer is to either look for a solution or leave the marriage, rather than search for a replacement. Not to sound harsh, but you're being incredibly selfish, as well as playing a game of Russian Roulette that will more than likely backfire.

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Think again, this would pale in comparison to the potential loss of your children. This is a disaster in the making, as you're living in the moment, as opposed to thinking long term.

 

If your marriage is not working, the answer is to either look for a solution or leave the marriage, rather than search for a replacement. Not to sound harsh, but you're being incredibly selfish, as well as playing a game of Russian Roulette that will more than likely backfire.

 

I agree you think you're in pain now if you lose your kids that will be 10 times. My brother's soon to be ex-wife spun this roulette wheel. And it has exploded in her face.

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Why don't you see a marriage councellor instead trying to make yourself happy with some guy that you've not even spent any time with through the general stresses of life. You put him on a pedestal because all you see is the good. You don't spend anytime with him other then to bond or have sex. That's like being in a perpetual honeymoon period and it's not real. You can't know you actually love someone until that new relationship energy dissipates and you view one another through BOTH good and bad times, warts and all. You base your feelings for this other guy on lust and infatuation when if you are stuck with someone you married without chance of being divorced, then you'd think you'd do your utmost to make that a happy union rather then cheat and feel the way you are feeling right now.

 

You are your own worst enemy. Put your focus back on your children and the man you promised to forsake al others for, get your own personal therapy to help you get past the "Limerence" period you are now stuck in with your work colleague (google Limerence and read the Wiki link to educate yourself about the mental deficience you find yourself in). Therapy will also help you to respect yourself a little more and to realise that you base your life on a fantasy while you ignore your reality.

 

Here, I've found the link for you. Educate yourself about the mental dificient state you find yourself in and maybe you'll be able to pull yourself out of it before you lose your children and the respect of your 'community.'

 

link removed

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You said, “my mother always used to cheat on my father, and I don't blame her.....

he wasn't very nice”

- How do your Mother was a cheater?

- Did your Mother use the “he wasn’t very nice” excuse to your face or did you whip this up on your own?

- How did this all make you feel about your Mother?

- How would you have felt about your Mother if she had instead, bravely demanded the marriage she deserved and if he refused, honorably divorced him?

 

You said, “…as they would make life hell for A.”

- You don’t have to worry about A. Being a dishonorable “man” he will move on to another hapless woman as soon as the light starts shinning down on him and you.

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What makes you so sure A is actually going to want a full time relationship with you should you become divorced? Many a times I have seen this turn into he was in it for the sex.

 

Yep, the guy my brother's wife was cheating with for two years dropped her like a hot potato when my brother found out and is divorcing her. So now she has nobody. No husband and no boyfriend. My brother's children cry themselves to sleep every night. And she is scrambling to try and get my brother back. And he doesn't want her back. So basically she threw her whole life down the toilet, her children's life down the toilet for the sake of a little fun and a guy who doesn't want her.

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Same with my buddy - his now ex-wife had an affair, and while the other man and her broke up, and she's dated others, she always tries to get back with my buddy - and he's like, "Pla-leeze!!, Hell No!" Is there a reason why you and your husband can't try some intimacy exercises, or go on a vacay, and have a romp-fest?!

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I think the very first thing you need to do is to go to a lawyer and talk about this situation and see what the likely outcome of this will be if you divorce under the scenario that your husband uncovers the affair.

 

Because if you don't end it soon, he WILL find out eventually, and it will go much worse for you if he gets blindsided and the affair comes to light, but most likely it will come to light one way or another because they usually do.

 

Keep in mind too that most relationships that start as affairs eventually end up breaking up. It's all wonderful and exciting and romantic until the poo hits the fan, then suddenly you go from that missing and longing for your affair partner, to that missing and longing for your children when your husband sues for custody. And if he gets custody, you will have to pay child support! So you won't be getting off scot-free if you leave your husband, you will basically being losing the respect of everyone you know AND paying child support for the next 15 years for kids you don't see that often.

 

So I think you need to really decide if you are willing to take the worst case scenario, because eventually your husband will find out if you continue. I think it will go a little better for you if you stand up and admit the marriage isn't working and seek a divorce before he finds out and this things explodes in your face.

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What has also happened to my soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law is that she has no one left in our family. No one in our family wants to even talk to her. Her parents are disgusted with her. All her friends have dropped her ,well except for her new divorced sleeping around friends. She has nobody and nothing left. Well except for her new divorced drinking buddies.

 

Now because she has nobody and nothing left she has become an alcoholic. She's right on the verge of losing a job she just got. She has become physically abusive to my brother and he's taking out a restraining order.

 

Now Op you may not end up like my ex sister-in-law but that just shows you how low people can get. She used to be a normal family loving woman who worked hard and did her best. Now she's an abusive piece of pond scum.

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Your wedding vows, were they "I'll take you, J, until our marriage has stressors, responsibilities, and get's a little old, and I find someone shiny and new and exciting"? Probably not. Your dilemma is as old as dirt, which is part of why people make vows in the first place, to commit to working through the stuff life brings and to fix it when it goes off track. Take a step back, get some perspective, ask yourself what kind of person do you want to be at the end of your life when you're looking back on your life an how you've lived it. I don't know the best choice for you, but I firmly believe it is a mistake to commit to one relationship when you are still in another, because both relationships are unhealthy in some way.

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OP....I could have warned you that this is the 'advice' you were going to get! I have also known 'men' who left their wives and were happy for the rest of their lives with the 'other' woman.

 

Spouses don't 'lose' their children because of cheating. Most states have shared custody...unless there is proof one parent was abusive.

 

The only thing is if your children are young. I was divorced after 20 years of a loveless marriage. But my kids weren't little....and it was almost WORSE. They blamed me. My ex is now happily married. I am not. But would NOT WANT MY HUSBAND BACK under any circumstances!

 

Lot of people are on here because of breakups...and a spouse was cheating. (usually a man....but not always) and cheaters are not given a 'go pass' on this board for ANY REASON! I knew that when i first saw your post...and i thought "oh oh....she's in for a real treat now"....

 

Good luck. It's a tough call. But if you truly don't love your husband, i would leave. But as it has been said, the new guy might disappear....fast!

You know how infatuation works don't ya? The honeymoon period and all? Just think it over good.....

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What has also happened to my soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law is that she has no one left in our family. No one in our family wants to even talk to her. Her parents are disgusted with her. All her friends have dropped her ,well except for her new divorced sleeping around friends. She has nobody and nothing left. Well except for her new divorced drinking buddies.

 

Now because she has nobody and nothing left she has become an alcoholic. She's right on the verge of losing a job she just got. She has become physically abusive to my brother and he's taking out a restraining order.

 

Now Op you may not end up like my ex sister-in-law but that just shows you how low people can get. She used to be a normal family loving woman who worked hard and did her best. Now she's an abusive piece of pond scum.

 

I wonder if "I'm not happy" when she was married seems so horrible now.

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OP....I could have warned you that this is the 'advice' you were going to get! I have also known 'men' who left their wives and were happy for the rest of their lives with the 'other' woman.

 

This is very true. But it is also very opposite of the situations we are describing. In your case, the man is the one pursing the commitment of the new relationship. In her type of situation, its usually a man enjoying the benefit of having a relationship and sex without a commitment. Not saying that's 100% every time, just the norm in many cases.

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Take responsibility for your actions by getting divorced and living with the consequences. You are not entitled to use your husband as some kind of front to make yourself look like someone else to your community and family and for financial support. He deserves fidelity and if you won't provide that, it's time for you to go.

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>>Spouses don't 'lose' their children because of cheating. Most states have shared custody...unless there is proof one parent was abusive.

 

Actually that is not always true. You need to define what 'lose' means. I know cases where adultery has been brought forward in divorce and custody proceeding even in no fault divorce states, where they rake the cheater's character over the coals and influence the judge to give custody to the 'innocent' parent because the character of the cheater is brought into question in terms of who is most suitable to raise the children and who has the children's best interests at heart.

 

Then it degenerates after the divorce with constant hostility and bad feelings between the spouses, family, children and the paramour/cheater partner. There is endless drama that goes on with blaming, finger pointing, return trips to court to fight over custody, to fight over child support amounts etc.

 

And shared/joint custody is NOT the norm if it is shown in court that the parents can't get along and the judge thinks things will be contentious for the children. They will award primary custody/decision making to one parent, and visitation rights to the other. Joint custody does not work if the parents are scrapping over the kids with a lot of animosity, so judges won't award it unless they think the divorce will be amicable.

 

The OP has made the statement that if the husband finds out and she divorces, her husband isn't giving up the kids without a fight. So I doubt a judge would award shared custody in that scenario. Someone is going to get primary custody, and the other parent will be paying child support. And judges do look down on adulterers because it speaks to the character of the person who is cheating, that they are thinking of their own needs rather than reflecting on the impact of their behavior on breaking up a family and hence de-stabilizing their children's world. Judges will follow child support formulas, but they determine who gets custody and the type of custody awarded to each parent.

 

so the OP made a bad choice to cheat. No question that she can and should leave the marriage if she genuinely can't hack it and feels she must do it and it is better for everyone involved, BUT cheating before leaving is really shooting herself in the foot from a legal perspective. She can eventually be free if she wants to be, and *maybe* her paramour will stick around after the divorce, BUT it comes at a very high price.

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I have never seen anyone lose their kids because they cheated ...I don't really understand the reason why you are so determined ..I have also never seen the children taken because one earns more than the other ...but of course my words are dependant on my experiences in the uk so know nothing of how it is done anywhere else .

 

You sound like you are living your life for everyone else ..out of fear and duty ..You are not the first to fall out of love with their husband/wife and as sad as it is ...it happens .

 

Your downfall is that you have involved someone else .

 

the first thing you should do in my opinion is end the marriage with your hubby if you really do not love him and feel you can't get that back ..you are cheating ...end the cheating and do this the right way ...go and seek legal advice to make sure you have some control over this situation . The community you live in should not dictate how you live your life and what you do ...crap happens and things change and everyone around you wil just have to deal with it .

 

do this the right way ...for you ..but right now moreso for your hubby , he doesn't deserve this .

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>> I would loose the children as they would make life hell for A.

 

btw, did everyone miss this? The OP is making a clear statement that she is more concerned about her paramour than her children, and will give them up so that her paramour will have an easy life!

 

No judge on the planet would give custody to a woman with this attitude who is more concerned about the children's impact on her paramour than her own behavior will have on the children. She will lose custody, and she will be paying child support because she is lost in a besotted lust bubble over this other man where she will sacrifice everything including her children for him.

 

Judges deal with this every day, and will smell it from a mile away and step in to protect the children's interest and give them to the parent who is more interested in their welfare.

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When did things start going downhill with your husband? I think you should look at that and what was going on in your lives. I recall the time both my 2 kids were preschool ages were hard for our relationship because of the non-stop nature of our focus on caring for them, making ends meet, meeting the needs of a young family. It got easier for us as the kids got older and gradually more independent and in school. So while your love and intimacy may fade with 3 young ones, including twins, it isn't unusual but it also isn't irreparable. (And comparing your marriage to your affair is comparing apples to oranges, they are not the same thing.) If you decide to leave the marriage, leave it and be absolutely single so that you can heal, can establish healthy shared-costody of your kids, and only start a new relationship (either by starting again with A if he's available or someone else) when you have healed from your break up and your personal need to cheat. You don't need a new relationship, you need a healthy one. If you don't heal your issues you'll drag them with you.

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OP you are a great example of why you should have nothing to do with your kids. Your mom showed you as a child that it's ok to cheat and the result is you cheated on your husband, ruined his life, and will break up your family AND teaching your kids to do this when they grow up. Maybe you should just give them up to your husband. I mean, your new man will only see them as a problem anyway and you wouldn't want to jeopardize that relationship, would you?

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This all seems pretty cut and dried to me. Disturbing, but cut and dried, nevertheless.

 

I get that people want to be happy. We all do. But choices like these cause great harm to others, and here, there are several others involved.

 

It sounds, from what lavenderdove quoted above, that the OP is saying that her affair partner doesn't want the kids -- that they would make his life "hell." Thus, she's staying married so that she can keep him -- NOT because she fears losing her children to her husband if she divorces him, but because she fears that she'll lose her children because "A" wouldn't want them, and she would choose him over them. If I'm reading this wrong, please correct me.

 

Though I would normally not advocate this, because I would never advise someone to get a divorce without exhausting nearly every other option, I will say that, in this case, a divorce is best for everyone -- the husband and kids, for sure. And, the OP can have her man, too, which seems to be the priority here.

 

BTW, I am writing this as someone who has never been cheated on (to my knowledge, anyway) -- and who has never even been married -- so my opinions aren't coming from a place of anger or resentment or hurt as a result of being cheated on or left for someone else. They're just coming from my own personal beliefs and moral/ethical standards.

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