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Boyfriend wants a roommate and I don't ......PLEASE help ASAP


Goldielocks

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Ok, I moved to Europe from the USA with my boyfriend 1 1/2 years ago. We are both in our late 20s. When we moved here I was concerned about not being able to find a job and my boyfriend said that I wouldn't have to work and that wouldn't be a problem. Well fast forward to the present and I guess he is having a hard time with money. I have offered many times to try to find a job, but he said that I don't have to. I am finally now to the point where I'm looking really hard for work because I WANT to have a job, but he seems indifferent. I'm having a hard time because I worked in the entertainment industry in the USA and really there are not many jobs like that here.

 

The area I live in is heavily focused on the technology industry and I would say that 90% of jobs here that are in English only are professional tech jobs (my boyfriend is a software programmer). Anyway, I have recently found one job that I can apply for and I've been working on my resume to send this weekend. I will also begin foreign language lessons next week. (I've been trying to take them since I moved, but JUST got a place in the class).

 

My boyfriend bought a small condo here for us to live in 6 months ago. His parents lent him the money for the purchase, which is how he got it. He has been saying that he wants to rent out one or two of the rooms and I have been saying absolutely not because I don't feel comfortable with it. Well today he dropped a bomb on me that he's been working on it and starting March 1st he will be renting out one of the rooms!!

 

I feel that this is very disrespectful to me after I said that under no circumstances would I live with a roommate. I mean am I being unreasonable? Here are the reasons why I don't want a roommate:

 

1) I am a very private person and there would be absolutely no privacy in this situation (big living area, VERY small bedrooms, so it's not like we can just "stay in our rooms)

 

2) Our condo is on the small side 1,000 sq ft, it's 3 "bedrooms", but the 2 extras that would be rented are the size of walk in closets (I honestly don't know who would want to live in a room that only fits a bed)

 

3) I don't trust strangers ( I have many valuable items and I don't trust strangers home alone with my things, I just don't)

 

4) We have a small dog and a ferret with a huge cage. They run around freely. Once again, I don't trust strangers to be alone with them and they wouldn't be able to have free range of the condo anymore

 

5) We only have one tiny bathroom that we would all have to share

 

6) A guy roommate would be awkward and a girl would be awkward, each for different reasons

 

7) I feel like I'm an adult, 28 years old, and I thought I was in an adult living situation (I'm sorry, but to me roommates remind me of being in college and going backwards in my life)

 

8) I'm not okay with sharing my things

 

9) I'm not okay with roommates having people over that I also don't know

 

10) Our items barely fit in the condo as it is. Literally every closet and cabinet is full. Where would a roommate keep anything? Would we have to store our belongings so they'd have space?

 

11) **I really don't know who would want to live with a couple in their 20's in a small condo, in an itty bitty room, with 2 pets running around. I am concerned that the people who would apply for this are going to be very young, very hard up, or very weird. I am really worried about this**

 

I know some people would be okay with this, but I am not. Also, in Europe this is much more common than in the USA. I also know that when my boyfriend mentioned the idea to another couple we are friends with from here. The girl said absolutely no way she would be okay with this situation or giving up that much privacy. It's not like we have a BIG place. I would say it's "just right" for my boyfriend, me, and our two pets.

 

Please help me with what I should do. I am SO stressed out right now and thinking that I will have to leave everything because of this. I am trying to get a job to help with the bills, but it is very difficult. He said that the roommate is happening no matter March 1st and that it's his apartment. I told him we need to talk when he gets home. This doesn't make me feel comfortable or safe.

 

I would appreciate any advice. I am so upset that I'm sitting here shaking and I feel sick.

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I agree - its his house his parents gave him money for. You pay nothing, and you don't have a job. I can understand you don't want strangers where you live, but if you bought that house together - then he would have asked your opinion. But technically its his house, and he needs to get the money back he got from his folks to buy it. So the only thing you can do is to get a job and help him getting it back faster, so that way he has no need to rent out the rooms anymore.

 

He promised me a certain living arrangement well, I thing trying to give a loan back is not betraying. And if you want to have a job go get one and tell him he has no need to rent room out. Its not like he keeps you locked at home, right?

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Also let me state that I WANT to have a job. My boyfriend assured me many times that it's not necessary and actually discouraged it at times. I have had a couple interviews for temp jobs here, but they hired someone else. I don't feel like it's fair that now he is getting a roommate when he has always known that I would never be okay with this. I would MUCH rather work or sell belongings for that matter. I feel like he should have been upfront a long time ago, like before we moved here. I would have never agreed to move with him under these circumstances. I had a job in the USA.

 

How is it not my say? He promised me a certain living arrangement and now is going back on his word and I feel betraying me when I trusted him. When we first moved we were renting an apartment that I was very happy with until he decided to buy this condo and it was supposed to be an improvement. I would rather live in an apartment half this size by ourselves then this condo with others..I guess that's just me because I like my privacy. My boyfriend has a very good paying job. While we are short on money it is not to the point that it is necessary to rent to a roommate. It's not like we can't pay bills we just don't have extra spending money.

 

I am also working very hard to get a job. He still says he will rent the room no matter what and he doesn't want me to pay rent because it's not the same. He is mad at me and doesn't understand why a roommate is not okay with me.

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Wow I used to have a 1000 SQF one BR condo. Plenty big enough for 1 BR, but I couldn't imagine stuffing 3 BRs and 3 people into it.

 

Tell him absolutely not no. If he can't respect your wishes on something of this nature then that tells you plenty about what life with him will be like.

 

Why wont he let you work?

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OK, I am going to be very honest with you... I am old enough to be your mother, and when I was young, my own mother made a point of saying that you should never ever put yourself in the position of being totally financially dependent on a man, because that also means that you could be in dire straits if he turns out to not be the man you hope him to be or makes decisions you don't like and he totally controls the purse strings and hence decisions about how YOU will live your life because you are dependent on him for survival. So she made really sure that I went to college and got a good career such that I could always support myself and was never in a desperate situation where I had to stay with a man who was behaving badly for whatever reason.

 

So you've got yourself in a little pickle here by trusting him and making choices that assumed he would be both fair and responsible to you and you'd live in an environment you were happy with. And unfortunately he reneged on that. I am always suspicious of men who discourage women from working when they want to, because that does put you in a dependent and hence very vulnerable position where it makes it very hard for you to leave him, and he can make unilateral decisions without your input. And you are not even legally married, so you have no claim on any assets that you share together.

 

So he has turned into a tyrant of sorts. I have to also say, that he has made no permanent commitments to you. You're not married, the condo is in his name, and he is making choices that are firming up the idea that he controls your life and the pursestrings and now your living situation. So this is not a partnership by any stretch of the imagination. He unilaterally got this roommate and basically said, 'tough, live with it.' So he is feeling very arrogant and in charge rather than working out a compromise with you, and is using his financial leverage to control the situation.

 

I would not stay with a man who did this to me. He's treating you like a kept woman and not a true partner. There are many solutions here that would have better outcomes but he chose not to discuss it with you or allow them. For example, you could return to school for a few months or a year to get a career in something that is marketable in the area and then get a job. But I don't think he particularly wants you to get a job because he wants to call the shots and control your lives.

 

You also have to consider that you have NO standing in that condo and are not building any equity or saving any money and he could toss you out on your ear in a nanosecond and you'd have no recourse at all. So you are in an extremely vulnerable position and he holds all the cards. At your age, you need to have a viable career and be saving money and establishing a life of your own and a shared life with a partner who is committed to you. I don't sense that he really is... you play a role in his life (housekeeper, bedmate), but he's not treating you like either a true partner or an equal.

 

So if someone did this to me, I'd leave. Immediately. Be out before March 1. If you don't have the money, get one of your friends or relatives in the U.S. to send it to you, and pack your bags and get out. He's shown you very clearly that he doesn't see you as a real partner, and that you're just along for the ride, HIS ride and any choices he makes. And he's not showing any signs of making you a true partner, in fact, the reverse is true, where he is buying assets solely in his own name and he's calling the shots and decisions about your home (which he sees as really HIS home), and he likes it that way.

 

So go home to the U.S.. And get yourself a career where you can support yourself sufficiently, so that you never get in this position with a man again. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home Mom or having periods of time where one or the other doesn't work if you both agree that is what you want, but there is something very wrong with being unable to support yourself and totally financially dependent on someone else in a way that they can abuse their power over you and trap you in an impossible situation or toss you out on your ear while you have no money, no job, and nowhere to go.

 

At 28, you are too old be to living off a BF with a third person/roommate in a 1,000 sq ft apt. You're not college students, and it is time to have a real, mature, adult life as you say, and not live this way.

 

So start making your plans. I know it is hard to admit he's not turning out to be the permanent partner you hoped he'd be, but that is just the way it is, and you need to get a career and not be dependent like this on any man or far worse situations than this could happen to you.

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Thank you for your advice. I'm going to try to talk to him more when he gets home. I guess that this is a deal breaker for me, mostly because he doesn't seem to respect me like you said.

 

 

He always seems to discourage me from working in subtle ways.. For example, my boyfriend's work mate mentioned that he has "connections" and he could probably find a job for me if my boyfriend gives him my contact info. I told him, "yes, please do that"! He told me he would several times, but never did.

 

Now I have no way of contacting his work mate except through my boyfriend and for whatever reason he never "gets around to it" for 2 months now....very frustrating. He told me it makes no difference to him if I make money or not. I know now that this was a mistake to trust him and I am trying to do everything in my power to get a job.

 

It is very upsetting, but I guess I will have to leave if he won't change his mind or compromise.

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Is there anyway I could convince my boyfriend that it would be better for me to work and pay rent then a roommate or do you think this is a deal breaker? I don't know what to do right now. - no there isn't. you can talk to him and if he refuses to see your point once again, I would agree with lavenderdove - he wants to control you, and he gives you no options.

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btw, re: the dog and ferret, call U.S. customs and see what the regulations are for bringing those animals into the country. Sometimes there is a quarantine period, and you will definitely have to have certain vaccines and vet certifications, and will have to pay to transport the animal, so you need to investigate what you need to do there to bring your pets with you if you don't want to leave them. So you want to have that all set up and ready to go for your pets safety and comfort.

 

Also, will he try to fight you to keep the pets? And will he be violent or do anything like hide your passport to keep you from leaving? I think you need to plan your exit very carefully due to the situation here... get your passport and any important possessions out of the house and in a safety deposit box or storage locker before you tell him you are leaving so that he doesn't destroy them or try to stop you from leaving by hiding them or claiming they can't leave the country because they are his.

 

So have an action plan in place and your possessions/pets protected and out of the condo before you give him any indication at all that you are going to leave. If you make that decision to leave, then make your plans and exit quickly and in a way where he can't harm you in any way or stop you. He's shown you he is not the person you hoped he'd be, and is not interested in your concerns or feelings at all. So people like that can behave badly during breakups.

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@ goldielocks, that is not "letting" you work without him actually coming out and saying it.

 

I agree 100% with lavenderdove.

 

 

 

It's about more than just being able to pay rent, it's about having the security to leave if you have to, to be able to buy yourself stuff without asking, about knowing that you have a back up stash of money if you need it...

 

Why has he said he wants a roommate?

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Open your eyes. He is not forgetting, he is deliberately preventing you from getting a job. That is a control thing. Pure control over you. Which is landing you precisely in the pickle you are in - no money, no say so and no easy means to walk away either. It does make a difference to him whether you make money or not in the sense that he wants you without it and completely dependent and under his thumb. It takes a long time to see someone's true colors and you are just now starting to see his.

 

Have the talk with him tonight, but be prepared to leave. Going forward, take this as a huge lesson to never ever put yourself in a situation where you don't have your own funds. It doesn't matter what someone tells you, you have to always look out for you and make sure you have the means yourself.

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@agent He wants a roommate because he says he need to make extra money. His parents told him that there is no rush to pay back the loan and also that we should only get roommates if I am comfortable with it. He is still persistent about the roommate and I'm not sure why. He says he doesn't want one either, but is okay with it. For some reason he thinks that this is the only solution. We also lived together in the states for 2 years before this, no roommates. I had a job and paid for all of my own necessities and bills...but he would not let me pay rent.

 

Another thing is that he bought the condo so we could have privacy. We were both sick of having to show our apartment to new tenants on request and having strangers come through. So I really don't understand

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Then that really should tell you everything. A roomate for money, even though it would make your own living situation uncomfortable, and you have expressed a negative reaction to it is still preferable to him than you being a financially involved partner whose thoughts and wishes he has to take into account.

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I think you should handle this discussions by trying to get more information about the essential problems here. As in telling him, this is very unnerving for you because he's made a unilateral decision about your living space and not even included you in the discussion. And he has put you in a position where he has total control of the money and finances, and you are not comfortable with that and he needs to treat you as a true partner and not like a kept woman living in HIS apartment on HIS money. You need to find a career for yourself, and start working as soon as possible.

 

Then lead into the topic of how he should have consulted you about this roommate, and that the place is too small to support 3 people living there, and you will be very unhappy, not only because it really changes your living circumstances, but because he also just went ahead and did this rather than discussing other possible alternatives with you.

 

Then see what he says. if you get any more of this, 'it is my decision and that's just the way it is' stuff from him, I think you really need to leave because he doesn't care whether you're happy or not as long as he gets what he wants. And it is DANGEROUS to be dependent on a man with no financial resources of your own in a foreign country. I would immediately get your identification papers and passports and special treasures out of the house and into a safety deposit box, especially if you have a stranger coming to live with you. Start socking away any money you can into that safety deposit box, and ask relatives to wire you money if necessary so that you can leave the country quickly if you need to. Also have your pets vaccination papers and anything else you'd need to bring them into the US in that safety deposit box so he can't stop you.

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btw, I have one cardinal rule in life and relationships. NEVER do anything that restricts my freedom or abuses me in a harmful way.

 

If i'm ever put in that position, I IMMEDIATELY take steps to remedy it. And by bringing another person into your place without your consent, he is restricting your freedom. You know absolutely nothing about this roommate either, and the person could be dangerous, larcenous, criminal, a drunk/druggie, his OTHER girlfriend, who knows! So this is a very WRONG move on his part, and is a huge red flag on your part that you need to take immediate steps to recognize he does NOT have your best interests at heart and is in fact behaving in an ominous way by dragging a 3rd person into the apartment without your consent and keeping you financial dependent on him in a foreign country.

 

Please don't be naïve... recognize that this situation has gone really South, and whatever you hoped for, just isn't happening so as an adult you need to take steps to remedy this situation, and quickly before the roommate gets there. Rent a storage locker or safety deposit box TODAY and start moving your valuables and papers there.

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If he needs the money he probably already weighed his options and knows he needs to get at least one other room mate to be able to live comfortably finances wise with you and him. Why can't you both sit and interview the room mates so you get a say in who gets the room? Make it a month to month deal so if they don't work out for whatever reason you only need to deal with on a month basis. Idk I only ever lived with my ex or with a gf 2 in a place but each of us both worked to pay the rent. You will probably have to compromise because he seems set on it.

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Uh, just straight up tell him you will not live with roomates and if he brings one in before you have a chance to get a job you'll leave.

 

There's really no other option if you both are that firmly entrenched in your positions.

 

It was a big risk to leave the country and become completely dependent on this man, you rolled the dice and unfortunately got snake eyes.

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Do you actually have a work visa in place or are you planning to work illegally? Most countries require paperwork months in advance before you can work officially. Since it sounds that you were not really planning to work before you moved there I am just wondering if he doesn't want you to work because he is trying to control your life or if there is a legitimate concern due to your visa status. Visa applications also often require having a job offer before you start the application process.

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^^

 

This advice is perfect.

 

OP, make sure you have your passport and papers. If you need money for plane fare than contact your family. May be safer to hop on the euro rail and go to neighboring country. Stay at a hostel for a couple of days until they can wire you money.

 

He is acting very shady and you need to protest yourself!

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I would leave this man. The only reason a man would try to stop his partner from working is to control her. For some reason he wants you dependant on him. He doesn't see you as his equal and he thinks its okay to make important decisions that affect you without you.

 

Go home OP- back to your family unless you want to be dictated to and manipulated for the next 20 years.

 

Ill just add: you have no security there. He could come home tonight and kick you out. Where would you go? No job, no money, the house is in his name, your family are ten thousand miles away.. what were you thinking?

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Wow I used to have a 1000 SQF one BR condo. Plenty big enough for 1 BR, but I couldn't imagine stuffing 3 BRs and 3 people into it.

 

Tell him absolutely not no. If he can't respect your wishes on something of this nature then that tells you plenty about what life with him will be like.

 

Why wont he let you work?

 

Agreed -- my house is just under 1100 square feet -- 2 bedrooms (large master and much, much smaller second bedroom) 2 baths; I live alone, and I while I could see myself living with a boyfriend or spouse, anything more than one other person would be too much. I already joke around that if I ever have a guy move in, he'll have to take the second bathroom for himself, and the closet in the second bedroom will have to be his because the one in the master bedroom is the perfect size for my clothes, and there's no more room in it!

 

I'm of two minds on this: ALL of your reasons for not living with a roommate are valid (especially the issues with the bathroom -- yikes! -- and the pets). I had roommates until I was 26, and I hated every second of it, so much so that when I finally moved out on my own, the first apartment I lived in wasn't all that great, and the neighborhood wasn't the best. I didn't go for the cheapest (bad, bad neighborhood), but I couldn't go too expensive either without roommates, so I went with the maximum I could afford to spend with all my other bills. Also, you have a right to be upset that you thought you were moving in with your boyfriend only, and now he's springing the roommate thing on you. That said, if you're not paying rent, and he needs money...well...you're not contributing anything financially, and he has to find a way to pay all the bills without help from you. I understand that he was originally OK with this, but apparently, it's not working for him now, hence the roommate thing.

 

Can you talk with him about waiting a bit, to give you time to find a job? At least a few months? If that's possible, it would be a good compromise. Worst case scenario, does either of you have a friend who could move in and help with rent? While living with friends isn't THAT much better than living with strangers in some cases, I'd much rather live (and share a bathroom, kitchen, etc.) with someone I know who I can be reasonably certain isn't going to steal from me, abuse my pets, use my stuff without permission, etc.

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