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My ex and I broke up roughly 8 months ago because he felt it wasn't best for us to be in a serious relationship this young (me turning 21 this year, him turing 24). Of course I didn't want the break up at the time and was devastated, but I know now that it's what we need. For background info our relationship was everything we could have ever wanted, but his work confusion and the possibility of him moving out of state came into play and we knew that he needed to make life decisions based on solely himself and that I was going to only be turning 21 and changing/growing rapidly. I understand now that this break up was for the best for both of us to grow and figure our lives out while we're young, but I still love him more than anything and hope to end up with him one day. It was very much a right person, wrong time situation.

 

Over the last couple months we have hung out a lot and gotten incredibly close again. He confines in me with everything and he is my rock as well. When we spend time together it is as if nothing has changed, we have always been immediately close and comfortable with one another since we met. I love him like crazy and I know he deeply cares about me maybe even still loves me too (we haven't discussed anything regarding how we feel about one another), we just both don't want to get involved in something serious this young..

 

The problem is that I still want to remain close with him while we both find ourselves and grow so that the possibility for reconnecting later is better for us... My question is what should I say to him now since we did slip up, got drunk and had sex a few nights ago...? Since then he has been just as close if not closer than ever towards me so it didn't cause anything to change, but I don't want to be used as emotional support nor used for sex. If he tries to have sex again I want to tell him that he needs to commit to me to have the benefits of being with me, but I also don't want us to get back together just as he doesn't because I need to be young and focus on myself.. we both do.. and that I want us to stay as close as we are and maybe try again later on if the feelings are still there. Now that the invisible line of having sex was crossed I have no clue where to take it from here. HELP!!

 

 

Btw... I know that he isn't seeing other people because we share similar acquaintances who have told me without me asking that he wasn't seeing anyone nor had any interest to (also the same as me).

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I strongly believe a lot of relationships fail because it's the wrong time.

The biggest issue (I've noticed) is when a man (whether he be 10 or 39) is very unlikely to commit if his job sit is unstable.

He has to at least be on the right track in reaching his goals to becoming the man he wants to be or he'll nevre invest in a relationship... He's gotta do HIM first, you know?

It sounds like this is what happened between you 2.

Not knowing what state you'll be in is pretty unstable & a lot of people won't eben consider LDR.

 

Of course you want to remain close to him,

The thing is, nothing has changed... You know the BU was for the best & apart from him sticking it it your relationship dynamic is the exact same as it was before the hookup:

You don't have one, lol.

 

I'm confused as to what youwant.

You say you want to be close to him, but you don't want to get back together.

If that were *true* you wouldn't give a care what happens... You'd do what you wanted to do with him when you wanted to do it.

My fear is that I don't think you can compartmentalize what this is.

I think you're trying in that you recognize it won't work (right now), but to get this worked up about a guy you don't want to be with no is contradictory.

 

My advice is to step back.

A huge step back.

More of a leap.

Put some space between you so you can do you, but still keep the doro open.

This means texts every day go to 1x/week.

Seeing each other every few WEEKS.

No sex.

That's the safest way to safeguard a potential relationship inthe future (keep him in your life, but not too in your life) as well as avoid any heartbreak.

 

Also, don't be so sure he isnt' seeing anyone.

Guys hate confrontation so if he is seeing someone he'll make sure she's as far away from your social circle as possible.

You're not the only girl in his phone.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I strongly believe a lot of relationships fail because it's the wrong time.

The biggest issue (I've noticed) is when a man (whether he be 10 or 39) is very unlikely to commit if his job sit is unstable.

He has to at least be on the right track in reaching his goals to becoming the man he wants to be or he'll nevre invest in a relationship... He's gotta do HIM first, you know?

 

I can confirm this, to a degree.

 

My relationship fell apart entirely due to timing. It was the wrong time for both of us, I think.

 

My life was "stable", but I wasn't where I wanted to be. My job made me miserable and I was struggling to find a new one. I loved my ex beyond a shadow of a doubt, but when things got REALLY bad at work, I pulled away from her and put my nose to the grindstone to fix myself first.

 

I still showed her affection and love, but I stopped going the extra mile. I pulled back a bit on our contact, on seeing her, on fun and exciting dates. I really put the relationship on the backburner while I sorted out my own crap. I was nowhere near reaching my goals...I knew some of them, but was having a hard time getting there.

 

In my case, the change in our interactions was too jarring for her. She never said anything, but she "felt" that something was off and steadily lost interest in me. Maybe it's because I was "too nice", or too passive (I no longer "took charge" sometimes and planned dates or activities, but made her make all the decisions for 6 weeks), or because I "pumped the brakes" on the relationship and stopped all forward momentum because my life was in chaos.

 

I loved my ex more than anyone I'd ever met before and was really trying to sort myself out because I WANTED to commit to her more than anything...and lost her in the process. She went from being excited at the very thought of living with me...to dumping me in 2.5 months. The funk I was in killed all of her feelings for me.

 

For your own benefit, give this guy the 180. Pull away from him. Give him distance. Don't pursue anything, not even conversation.

 

Be friendly, but not friends. Keep contact brief and to the point. Don't be cold, but don't invite conversation or contact.

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