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I moved out but still doing the merry dance of dysfunction :(


missbritz

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I will try to make this brief as possible but I am sorry if its a little long. Just want you guys to get a good picture.

(I have posted here before BTW, back in the Summer)

I met my boyfriend, 2 and a half years ago. we both have children from previous marriages, and we were both custodial parents.

 

He lived 30 miles away with his mother who was helping him raise his 2 boys.

I thought he had too much baggage (Gosh I wouldn't even know where to begin with THAT!) but thought whats the harm in a fling/few dates. well after a couple of months we fell in love and even more so the following months. I don't think I had ever felt so loved and adored, to be honest I was smothered and told him so but I was too intoxicated with it all to realize what a red flag that was.

 

7 months after our first date we moved in together, my child and his 2. the 5 of us. a proper little family. how stupid could I be?

 

Things changed pretty quickly, I realized how selfish, love avoidant and passive aggressive he could be. I will stress - not always, but when he was, it was awful.

 

The external issues didn't help at all either (his dysfunctional family, narcissist mother, child support drama, and the list goes on and on).

 

I moved to where he was, gave up my job, uprooted my daughter, became this stay at home mom. all in the name of love! jeez.

 

Anyway basically he flip flopped throughout our whole relationship after I moved in. sometimes I felt so neglected and unloved, it caused me to cling tighter to make it work and sometimes it was great.

 

About 4 months ago he said his feelings had changed, he wasn't feeling IN love and he was so stressed with other things he didn't have the emotional capacity fro a relationship, wanted to live by himself with the boys and do it on his own as he hadn't before.

 

But he was willing to try, though I knew his heart wasn't in it. Well after 2 months of this, it seemed he didn't want to or perhaps he just couldn't. I couldn't take it for another minute so while he was away with his kids one weekend in November I signed a lease on an apartment and announced to him when he got back that I was moving out December 1st.

 

He seemed shocked and sad but he was never good at communication and expressing his feelings very well so I never really knew how deep that went. Ironically those final 2 weeks I was there, he really stepped up to the plate. we were still acting like a couple in every sense of the word anyway, but he became more loving, expressive, attentive and we got on extremely well. But the plans didn't change. I forged ahead and he didn't stop me.

 

I moved out. For the first half of december we had daily contact, and we saw each other a couple of times where we declared we missed each other. I know I should have gone NC but there were some circumstances where that wasn't possible.

 

Anyway, so let me move on to where I am now.

 

so 2 weeks after I moved out, my daughter and I were at his house, he was going to pick up my car while I watched the kids, there was a snow storm coming the next day so we stayed over and well we ended up together. and the next night. and several nights since. we are now like a couple again.

 

 

But I still FEEL something missing. Its nice that we have our own space now and it has definitely taken certain pressures off and we are enjoying each other again. But I don't know if the damage has already been done and thats why I still feel needy and clingy. I have great self esteem and confidence OUTSIDE this relationship but in it I feel like a pathetic needy person, which I never was before. I hate this version of me!

 

My friends and family think I am mad, they say what he did to me was emotional abuse. and that he has too much dysfunction around him and issues of his own, I dodged a bullet by moving out etc etc.

I have studied the love avoidant/love addict dynamic at length and think this is definitely what I got locked into.

 

I think a lot of my neediness is that I am still living up here and still have to depend on him for certain things. So we are together but now it seems hes getting his cake and eating it too! The relationship is better but as someone pointed out to me was it was because Mr emotionally unavailable didn't have to be so emotionally available now since I moved out. Ugh I get so confused, I feel like I am still doing this push/pull merry dance with him.... sometimes he is very affectionate and loving and other times he is nowhere to be 'seen'!!

We actually have talked about this the past couple of weeks and he admits hes like this and doesnt know why. Also says he knows he is selfish but he just wants to do what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. He doesn't want to answer to anyone! Also says he is sorry, he knows we moved way too fast in the beginning but he wasnt thinking and didn't expect he would get so overwhelmed even though he knew what he could be like!!.

 

I do love him but I know now he is a very unhealthy dysfunctional man so why cant I cut the ties, why cant I love myself MORE!!

There is a whole lot more to this story but I don't have the energy to type it all out right now and bore you all to death

 

Thank you so much for reading

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You are allowing yourself to be used because you don't want to cut all ties. The only thing that has changed is proximity and therefore space. Which he loves and which causes you anxiety.

 

So...what are you going to do? Settle for 1/2 a relationship?

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Thank you mhowe. I was hoping you would post as I have been lurking here for a while and have enjoyed your honesty....but in my own circumstances maybe not so much!

Ummm,as said, theres a lot more to it...Ive given the bare bones of it really, to this audience (for want of a better word)

however, There is something that is right about what you say...am I allowing myself to be used? maybe. but I am also guilty of that to a degree. which brings me round to not cutting ties completely because I am unable to right now. emotionally yea I could but that is so difficult at the moment.

not really sure what else to say..... saying too much just doesn't seem to do me any favors apparently so I feel kinda stuck, and lonely and bored and frustrated.

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Maybe it went too fast...I have no experience with blended families.

Kids, ex's...but if this isn't what you want you need to rip the bandaid of having him in your life off.

 

Because this quasi relationship is all he wants.

 

Your life...your choice. You had the strength to leave.

Now you need to find the strength to let go..and find a man capable of commitment.

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