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canine720

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I've been with my girlfriend 5 years now. Last year a new single guy moved in accross the street with his two young children.The GF fell in love with his kids but I think she fell for him as well. I have gotten into her phone and read her texts with him. Nothing graphic except for "I want to feel you deep inside me". This text was in September 2013. Things between us are great now. Better communication,better sex, just happier. But these texts are always nagging at me. Confront her? let it go? It doesn't help there is a 15 year age difference between us. Any advice?

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I'm glad things are better now. Couples can move on after an affair, and I'm willing to bet with a text like "I want to feel you deep inside me", there was. When did things start getting better? September 2013 isn't that long ago. Are you sure it is over? If communication is indeed better, as you say, then that option shouldn't be off the table if you suspect anything.

 

A relationship I had that ended last year is similar to your story. She was single but was hooking up with a married guy. We had a 19 year age gap and texts like the one you saw, except they were from the married guy ("I love you on top facing away from me" and "I love the sound you make when I push in from behind."). She didn't end it, but dropped me instead. Anyway, I mention this because I've been there, to some extent.

 

My advice is to keep your radar going for now. If she cheated once, she may again, or maybe it's still going on.

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Nothing graphic except for "I want to feel you deep inside me". This text was in September 2013.

 

I would look at that as a huge red flag, and something you can't simply sweep under the rug. Although as you say, "things between us are great now." there will always be a dark cloud hanging over your head until this is addressed. Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together, and without that you have nothing.

 

If you're looking at a future together, you need complete honesty.

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Id guess shes still having an affair with him and the reason you're sex life is better is because shes aroused by her trysts with him and taking it out on you...

 

Can i ask why you never talked to her about what you discovered?

 

 

 

I agree with heartgoeson. Its a massive red flag.

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I think you already know she was (and probably still is) cheating on you with this guy. You are just apprehensive about confronting her on it. I can intuit from your post that you are a passive person in general, and will tolerate a lot of disrespect from people. This is really bad when it comes to relationships with women, because if you don't set and enforce boundaries, women will not magically generate your boundaries on their own. Unfortunately relationships like these always end.

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If it was just the two of us I would have left but the GF has two daughters that over 5 years I have grown close to. I would lose a whole family. The GF over the last two months texts this neighbor a lot less, goes and sees his two young sons less, and constantly tells me how much she loves me and has never been happier. I guess I've always known I need to just confront her. I want to trust her but I'm not sure I can and HeartGoesOn is right, if there is no trust there is nothing.

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So what are you going to do? She's still very much having a sexual relationship with him by all accounts. If you don't care or you're too afraid to be without her, then carry on with things as they are. Just make your decision knowing that you're fooling yourself when you think she's not still having sex with this guy. She shouldn't be going over there alone for any reason. She uses his kids as an excuse to go over there and see him. That's my educated guess, anyway. Where are you and what are you up to when she's spending alone time with him? Do you feel left out and worried or are you quite fine having her spending one-on-one hanging out with someone she longs to have deep inside of her? That's a question you have to ask yourself honestly along with "can I live happily knowing what I know as long as she doesn't leave me for him?"

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Not sure. I don't think anything is going on between them now but with our new work schedules, I now work on Sundays and the GF is off. We used to work the same days. If she has her daughters with her I don't worry but every other week they're at their dads so I wonder if the GF is going over to his house while I'm at work. I guess I'll confront her when she gets home tonight and have a duffle bag ready just in case. No idea where I'll go but I can't keep doing this.I do love her more than anything but this is tearing me up.

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Not sure. I don't think anything is going on between them now but with our new work schedules, I now work on Sundays and the GF is off. We used to work the same days. If she has her daughters with her I don't worry but every other week they're at their dads so I wonder if the GF is going over to his house while I'm at work. I guess I'll confront her when she gets home tonight and have a duffle bag ready just in case. No idea where I'll go but I can't keep doing this.I do love her more than anything but this is tearing me up.

 

I'll pray for you. Try to discuss this as calmly as you can. She may deny it and try to escalate the tone of the conversation, but it will put her on notice that you know. A solid relationship is all about communication. That was a problem in an LTR I had. I tend to avoid conflict and that isn't always a good thing. I suspect you do too.

 

Plain and simple, as in my case, someone should not be sending or receiving "sexts" like that if they are in a committed relationship. Seeing much the same thing on my ex-GF's phone was a huge shock and I was in denial for a long time, thinking I must have read it wrong or simply, she wouldn't do something like this. I saw the texts last summer and I am still not over it.

 

I really hope you guys can clear the air. Even if this is over, it will take a very long while for you to regain your trust. If you decide to stay, you need to be aware of any indication this is still going on..

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To Steve55...Thanks. I guess I've been in shock and denial too. I've been cheated on before and those relationships ended immediately. But this relationship includes two girls who I look at like my own daughters. I have no kids of my own. The possibility of losing this family kills me. And it kills me to think that I will never be able to trust anyone again but I know I won't.

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To Steve55...Thanks. I guess I've been in shock and denial too. I've been cheated on before and those relationships ended immediately. But this relationship includes two girls who I look at like my own daughters. I have no kids of my own. The possibility of losing this family kills me. And it kills me to think that I will never be able to trust anyone again but I know I won't.

 

There are couples who can get past an affair and stay together. One of my colleagues here is a case in point. She discovered a few years ago that her husband was having an affair with a single mom of one of the kids in his scout troop. They worked on their issues (Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship) and they are still together. What needs to happen for that to work are two things: 1. That she ends this and gets it into her head that it was wrong and deceitful and decided never to do it again with this guy or someone else. 2. That she works as hard as she can to regain your trust. If both of those things can happen, then this could work. I would strongly suggest counseling for both of you. If she declins to attend, that is a red flag, but you should still seek counseling for yourself.

 

I hope this all works out for you. It didn't for me, but mainly because she had ended it with me for the other guy and their affair is still on going. That said, knowing what I know now, I don't think we could ever be anything more than going back to being friends. I just think I couldn't get past the fact she was willing to do that to another man's wife and kids....

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^ He doesn't need counseling with her, he just needs to get out and never look back. There is nothing to work through, OP deserves much more than this.

 

And infidelity is not about what's wrong with a relationship, it's just about lack of empathy, bad impulse control and lots of selfishness. You're lucky to be away from your ex, hope you learn to stand up yourself bc your post still makes u sound extremely passive.

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^ He doesn't need counseling with her, he just needs to get out and never look back. There is nothing to work through, OP deserves much more than this.

 

And infidelity is not about what's wrong with a relationship, it's just about lack of empathy, bad impulse control and lots of selfishness. You're lucky to be away from your ex, hope you learn to stand up yourself bc your post still makes u sound extremely passive.

 

I agree that the OP deserves better. We all make mistakes. Maybe his GF did. The question is; is she remorseful and does she want it to work? None of us can say for sure because we don't know her. That has to be determined by the OP, weighing against that the chances of being hurt again. It's his call.

 

There are a lot of reasons people become unfaithful. The ones you cited are certainly true as well. No doubt about that. The reasons you said are certainly the case with my ex, and I know how lucky I am that I wasn't more involved with her. This could have been a whole lot worse.

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Id guess shes still having an affair with him and the reason you're sex life is better is because shes aroused by her trysts with him and taking it out on you...

Do you really think? Cheating is different for men and women. I read somewhere once -- and I've experienced this personally -- that when women are cheating they're actually reluctant to have sex with their regular boyfriend or husband. Know why? 'Cause she thinks that would constitute cheating on the guy she's cheating with!

 

How twisted is that? In fact, this is s'posedly one of the warning signs that a girlfriend/wife may be cheating. Men, in contrast, are harder to read in that regard -- they wanna screw their wives and all their mistresses and girlfriends all at the same time, maybe in the same day. Also, when women cheat, it's potentially worse, because there's a good chance it actually means something to them. They're generally not as crass about sex as men.

 

Can i ask why you never talked to her about what you discovered?

 

I agree with heartgoeson. Its a massive red flag.

 

I wondered the same thing, and I agree that the text message is very much a big deal.

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Cheating is no mistake.

I agree that the OP deserves better. We all make mistakes. Maybe his GF did. The question is; is she remorseful and does she want it to work? None of us can say for sure because we don't know her. That has to be determined by the OP, weighing against that the chances of being hurt again. It's his call.

 

There are a lot of reasons people become unfaithful. The ones you cited are certainly true as well. No doubt about that. The reasons you said are certainly the case with my ex, and I know how lucky I am that I wasn't more involved with her. This could have been a whole lot worse.

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Do you really think? Cheating is different for men and women. I read somewhere once -- and I've experienced this personally -- that when women are cheating they're actually reluctant to have sex with their regular boyfriend or husband. Know why? 'Cause she thinks that would constitute cheating on the guy she's cheating with! How twisted is that? In fact, this is s'posedly one of the warning signs that a girlfriend/wife may be cheating.
This is one scenerio.. my guess is the other. If there is a noted difference in the regular sexual routine of the wife/husband or bf/gf then it is a symptom of infidelity. It can be more or less sex.

 

Men, in contrast, are harder to read in that regard -- they wanna screw their wives and all their mistresses and girlfriends all at the same time, maybe in the same day.
Again this is one scenerio. The opposite is also a symptom. It's the change in the usual sexual routine. Whether that be more sex when it's been low or low sex when it's always been high or regular.

 

Also, when women cheat, it's potentially worse, because there's a good chance it actually means something to them. They're generally not as crass about sex as men.
That may have been more true a decade or so ago but in this day and age of woman more often being quite fine with FB's and FWB's the "weaker" sex is evolving into being more like you men. They've learned to compartmentalize too. You guys have created a monster.

 

 

 

JMNSHO

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